


Before I Wake

by Erudite_Conduit



Series: By the Light of the Moon [1]
Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Bella is descended from vampires, Character Growth, Depression, Dimension Travel, Disabled Character, Emotional Growth, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Falling In Love, Found Family, Grief/Mourning, Healthy Boundaries, Human/Vampire Relationship, Minor Angst, Mystery, PTSD, Panic Attacks, Pining, Reincarnation, Romance, Sarcasm, Secret Identity, Secrets, Self-Insert, Slow Burn, Strong Female Characters, Transmigration, Twilight Renaissance, Twilight Series Rewrite, artist, healthy relationship, neurodivergent character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:05:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 22
Words: 115,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27470143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Erudite_Conduit/pseuds/Erudite_Conduit
Summary: This was NOT part of the plan. I was supposed to wake up after brain surgery and get better so I could do all the things my mom and I had been dreaming about for years. I was NOT supposed to end up in the Twilight universe inside of Bella fucking Swan's body.Two months in and I can't avoid going to Forks. Renee is catching on too quickly. It's impossible to act in character all the time, especially since Bella's personality and mine are polar opposites.In a world of myth, magic, and monsters, there has to be a way to get back to my mom, right? Bella's fate was bound to be tangled in with the supernatural anyway, so no harm no foul. That's what I foolishly believed.The last thing I ever expected to find family with the Cullens...or maybe fall in love with the man meant for Bella. What will happen if I wake up? What will happen if I never wake up?And how do I even begin to explain the difference between 'Bella' and ME?
Relationships: Alice Cullen & Bella Swan, All Cannon Relationships - Relationship, Edward Cullen/Bella Swan, Edward Cullen/Original Female Character
Series: By the Light of the Moon [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2010271
Comments: 893
Kudos: 1038





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> NOTICE: This story contains mention of medical trauma from the perspective of a person who has dealt with a life long condition. I am not coming at this uneducated. I have done my research and experienced more than I can write here. Questions are always welcomed in the comments, and I will do my best to answer them. But please note that I am not a medical professional. Please do not self-diagnose based on what you read here.
> 
> WARNING: This story contains some cases of strong language used casually. I still marked it as 'Teen and Up Audiences' because I didn't think it was outside of the realm of what teenagers would already be exposed to.
> 
> DISCLAIMER: The twilight franchise and its characters belong to its respective owners.

#  Prologue 

“Alright, Hallan, are you feeling relaxed and comfortable?” the neurosurgeon asked me, looking down at me from where I was laying on the table, the final preparations for surgery underway around me. 

I tried not to look around. The instruments they would be using were covered, but my anxiety was still rising inside me. I wished my mom was there in the room with me. “I’m feeling panicky,” I told him honestly, my breathing increasing after I'd acknowledged the fact aloud. “I really want to see my mom again.”

“We’re going to do our best to make sure that happens, okay?” he gave me a compassionate smile. 

I swallowed down my tears and nodded. “Okay,” I whispered around the lump in my throat. I closed my eyes as they attached the last of the monitors. My feeding tube had been removed before I’d come back, and it felt strange not to feel it there anymore. I’d had one for so long. The thought had me remembering the last conversation I’d had with my mother before I’d been wheeled back. 

_“I’ll see you really soon, lolly, okay?”_ she had murmured, smiling through her tears as she hugged me. 

_“Yeah,”_ I hugged her tightly, shaking. _“When I’m discharged, remember you promised I could try a chocolate milkshake! Don’t think I’ll forget.”_

_“We'll have all the time in the world.”_

They finished prepping, and then the anesthesiologist came beside me and held my hand. “Okay, Hallan, all you have to do is count to ten, and then you’ll wake up and this will all be over.”

“Promise?” I asked, hoarsely. 

“Promise.” She confirmed, squeezing the hand she held. “Can you count with me?”

“Yes.”

“Okay. One…”

“One.”

“Two…”

“Two.”

My head began feeling cloudy, and the vision was dimming. Not even the panic could keep me from slipping under.

“Three…”

“Three….”

“Four.........”

The darkness washed over me, calm and peaceful. My mother’s words in my ears as I lost consciousness. I couldn’t wait to have a chocolate milkshake.


	2. Fall Away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Please note that this story is unbeta-ed, so there may be typos my buddy Grammarly and I don't catch.

#  Chapter One: Fall Away

I was floating. I couldn’t feel anything. Not the chronic pain that had become standard for me, or the constant headaches, or the burning pain in my stomach. I felt...nothing. I felt _like_ nothing. I had no eyes to open. No arms to stretch out and search with. No legs to tingle with discomfort. Had I died? How long had I been there? It could have been a few seconds, or it could have been a few months. I had no understanding of time.

There was no panic. No chemicals to flood my brain with anxiety. There was nothing at all. Everything was simply empty. But it was full too. There was no sensation, but there was such a strong feeling of being _everything_ that I knew I was _nothing_. I had died. My family had probably mourned me and buried me a long time ago. I was alone in this emptiness. 

I wished I had a voice to cry with. A chest to sob with. A mouth to sing with. But I had nothing. I _was_ nothing. Even if I had those things, I had no ears to hear them with. Or at least, that’s what I thought. 

☽ ◯ ☾

_Two months later..._

The nurse had lied. I had been in this insane coma for two entire months. It still wasn't over. But, with no way to go back, the only way was to continue forwards. It was finally time. I stood in the airport with Renee Dwyer in her daughter’s body and smiled at her. 

“This is me,” I waved at my gate. The airport experience of an early 2000s flyer was vastly different than it would be in 2020. 

Renee gave me a worried look. “Bella,” she started, concern in her tone. “Maybe you shouldn’t. These past few months have been…”

“Really, I want to go,” I quoted Bella from the book, clutching the handle of my carry-on just a little harder. I couldn’t bring myself to call her ‘mom’. She wasn’t my mom. 

“I know you’re a big girl and all, but you hit your head pretty hard!” she protested. 

I tried to laugh her off. “That was two months ago!”

“Still…”

“Look,” I put a hand on her shoulder and gave her a placating smile. “If Charlie or I feel worried about it, you’ll be the first to know. I’ll go to the doctor’s straight away.”

“I’ll see you soon,” she insisted, giving me a tight hug that made me a little uncomfortable. “You can come home whenever you want — I’ll come right back as soon as you need me.”

“Don’t worry about me,” I told her, stepping backwards toward the gate. “Go have fun with Phil, okay?”

She watched me go with big, watery eyes, so I spun on my heel and headed to the boarding line. I didn’t want to see her cry. It felt too personal. And if I were crying, I would hope for the same courtesy. 

Now, my worries turned to Forks. I knew what awaited Bella there, but I still hadn’t made the decision to follow the storyline. I knew that if I made one wrong move, I would probably be killed by Edward because Bella was his ‘singer’ or something. I would worry about that tomorrow when I had to meet him. I had to deal with Charlie first. 

Charlie was not as intuitive as Renee, but he would notice the outright odd things that Renee would not. For example, my sudden drop in grades, or my proclivity for art, music, and writing. Being in Bella’s body had its perks. I was freer now than I had ever been. She was just so...able. I had been nearly hysteric with giddiness as I stood and walked around for the first time in her body. She had no chronic pain, no lifetime conditions, no feeding tubes, and no need for wheelchairs. It was amazing. 

Unfortunately, I knew that my sudden lack of clumsiness would alert Charlie to something being off. It wasn’t something I could turn off. I had taken so many dance classes before I’d gotten sick, the small pivots and the sudden grace that ‘Bella’ would portray would alarm him, as she had always been a clutz like him. 

Thankfully, I had my whole flight to think about it. I was not entirely certain I wasn’t in a coma. In fact, it was the only reasonable explanation for what was going on. But coma or not, I had quickly taken the money Bella had saved for college and invested it in Amazon and Apple. I was going to make BANK if this wasn’t a dream. The dotcom bubble was definitely something I wanted in on.

When I landed in Seattle, I had a moment of hysterics, wondering if I should go visit my great grandmother before she died in 2005. But I had no knowledge of how similar this coma was to real life. Would the same people even exist? If I went south to Portland, would I be able to find my family? What would I do if I did? What would I tell them? 

And so, instead of thinking about how to deal with Charlie, I had an anxiety attack followed by a nervous breakdown on the last leg instead. The plane landed all too quickly, and I couldn’t procrastinate any longer. 

Just like in the book, Charlie was waiting with the cruiser. Right. Police Chief. I walked towards him, rolling my bag behind me, and with my backpack slung over my shoulder. I patted myself on the back for remembering to bring the essays Bella had already written, so I wouldn’t have to. I’d probably rewrite them in my own handwriting for consistency purposes, but other than that they would be fine. 

Because I was distracted, I forgot to try to imitate Bella’s body language. Charlie was staring at me with a weird look on his face. I stopped abruptly, ending up about ten feet away from him. 

“Hey,” I greeted, not any more willing to call him ‘dad’ than I was to call Renee ‘mom’. They simply weren’t.

Charlie recovered. “It’s good to see you, Bells,” he hurried over to me, coming in at an odd angle for an awkward side-hug. “How’s Renee?”

“She’s good. She and Phil should be leaving Phoenix tomorrow to head for Phil’s next gig.”

He nodded. “Is that all you have with you?”

“Yup.” Renee had been very kind in offering to buy me cold-weather clothing, but I had spent years penny pinching on increasingly ill-fitting clothing due to my constant atrophy and unhealthy weight loss, so I was well-versed in the art of layering and the necessity of belts. In the end, all I accepted were some basic pieces like black turtlenecks, leggings, and a skirt or two. The prices were so low compared to what I was used to, so I really had no basis of understanding what was expensive and what was a good deal. I had relied on Renee’s open facial expressions for that information. 

“Okay then. Let’s get you loaded up.” 

I nodded and waited for him to pop the trunk. I had no problem swinging my bags into it, reveling in my ability to do so. Charlie stood next to me awkwardly, unsure now that there was nothing left to help with. 

“So, Forks?” I offered after a moment of silence, hoping it would get us moving. 

“Right,” he responded, seeming to be lost in thought. 

We both climbed into the front of the cruiser and Charlie pulled out of the parking lot. We chatted idly on the way to Forks. I carried the conversation out of politeness, but I could tell he was uncomfortable. 

“You hungry?” he asked, nodding at the diner on the way in. 

I tried to assess my body. I wasn’t exactly sure what signals it was sending me. Tired. I recognized that one. “I’m not, but if you want to stop I don’t mind.”

“Nah, I have leftovers from lunch back at the house.”

I vaguely remembered that Bella cooked for Charlie while she stayed with him and winced internally. I had never been...capable in the kitchen. I wondered how that had worked out. It was fortunate I arrived early enough in the timeline that he didn’t have any pretenses of my capabilities. 

“Here we are,” he said, pulling up in front of a small, two-story house on the edge of the wood.

It didn’t look like it did in the movies. I grabbed the handle and let myself out, walking around to the trunk and waiting for Charlie to pop it open. 

“I’ve got the big one, Bella, you just worry about the backpack.”

“Thanks,” I smiled, slinging the blue backpack over my shoulder. 

I went to the front door and tested the knob to see if it was open. I was correct in assuming it was unlocked. It groaned slightly as I let it swing open, and I got my first look at the interior. There wasn’t much to see from the front door. It was just a small hallway and a set of narrow stairs. I followed the hallway, hoping to quickly understand myself with the layout before Charlie noticed my lack of familiarity. It was a good thing the house was small. 

There was a small family room off to the right with a sofa, armchair, and TV. Farther down the hallway, I found the kitchen and dining nook. The other door in the hallway was a small shelved pantry. By the time Charlie had lugged my bag up to the front door, I had finished with the downstairs.

“I’ll follow you up,” I told him. 

He blinked at me for a minute because he nodded. “Sure, Bella.”

He led me up the stairs, struggling a bit with the bag. I helped him heft it from the bottom. At the top of the stairs was the small washroom. The only one in the house, if I remembered correctly. To the left was Charlie’s room, and to the right was Bella’s. He led me to the right. 

The walls were a delicate light blue and the floors were a warm brown hardwood. I liked the vibe. The greenery outside and the rain on the window panes made it even better. The desk had been taken over by a beast of a really outdated computer, but I couldn’t complain too much because it would give me access to the internet, and thus the stocks. 

“We, uh, refreshed the paint before you came.”

“We?” I asked him. 

“Billy Black, his son Jacob, and I.” He explained. “You remember them right? We used to go fishing with them in the summer. You were friends with Jake's older sisters.”

“Oh, yeah. Kind of.” I hedged before voicing my earlier thought. “That was really nice of you guys. I really like the vibe in here.”

“The...vibe,” Charlie repeated, voice dropping. 

Were vibes not a thing in the early two-thousands? “The feel of it,” I explained. “Or rather, the way it makes you feel. I like the contrast of the delicate blue to the vibrant green outside. The color kind of makes me think of the sky and makes me feel like I’m immersed in it. The juxtaposition of it in Forks is humorous though.” I grinned.

“Bella, do you have a fever?” he demanded, crossing his arms. 

Sure. Let’s go with that. “Maybe. I’m a bit tired.”

“Right, well, you should get some sleep then. Oh. Before I forget, here.” He tossed me something that jingled. 

I caught it in my right hand and looked down at it. “Keys?” I blinked up at him. 

“I know you said you don’t know how to drive, but everyone should know before they’re an adult. Billy and Jake fixed up his old truck and sold it to me real cheap. I’ll teach you with that.”

My eyes widened in excitement. I would get to drive? “Really?” I asked because I had never been able to try before. 

“Of course, Bells.”

I hugged him then. He wasn’t my father. But he was trying his absolute best to help me, and he was offering freedom and opportunity up to me on a silver platter. 

Charlie was surprised, but he hugged me back, patting me on the back. I pulled away and flopped down on the bed. 

“I’m so excited I think all the blood rushed to my head.”

“I’ll, uh, leave you to sleep, then.”

“Thanks.”

The door closed behind him, and I reveled in the knowledge that tomorrow was the beginning of everything. I decided right then and there that while I was here, I might as well have fun. I was going to experience as much as I could and figure out what all the fuss about living was about, and I was going to do it outside of a hospital. 

Tomorrow would be a good day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you like this story, don't forget to subscribe, bookmark, and leave kudos! I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments.


	3. Deflection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie's onto Bella's out-of-character behaviour. Bella manages to deflect him for now, but only after he extracts a promise from her. Then, she begins her first day at Forks High School.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think in the comments!

#  Chapter Two: Deflection

I woke early the next morning, unable to sleep. This body didn’t need so much shut-eye, so I wasn’t surprised to find myself awake as early as three. I stared at the ceiling, silent tears running down my cheeks and into my hairline. I had dreamt of my parents. With my medical issues, life hadn’t always been easy, but we loved each other. 

In my dream, I had been sitting at the table with my family eating dinner. The dream was more of a fuzzy, nondescript memory than anything else, so while no words stood out to me, I had known we were having a good time because we’d been laughing. My mom’s cheeks always got rosy when she laughed like they did when she had one too many glasses of wine. I missed all my family, but I missed her the most. We fed off each other’s emotions and sometimes even physical pain, which had made my medical trauma really hard for her.

A sob stuck in my throat and lodged itself there. I clamped my lips together, not willing to let it out, but I couldn’t help the keening sound that still escaped. I squeezed my eyes shut and clenched my fists together until it stopped. Then I swallowed hard and sat up. I didn’t think I could get back to sleep, so I stood up from my bed and walked over to where my large duffle was sitting on the chair partially opened. 

I figured I might as well take the opportunity to begin unpacking. My spirits rose as I did so, enjoying doing the task myself. Before I’d been sick, I never thought I’d enjoy chores, but I had an entirely new perspective now. Even the simply shower I took a bit later on put a pep in my step because I did it on my own without a shower stool and I was perfectly clean. Cleanliness was next to godliness as far as I was concerned. I never wanted to go another day without taking a shower again, let alone seven to nine. 

As I began my skincare routine in front of the mirror, I vaguely remembered that Bella in the book had complained about her unremarkable features, seeming to loath it for that reason. I didn’t really understand what made a person plain or beautiful. What was the real difference between the two anyway? But I hated Bella’s face for an altogether different reason. I hated it because it was a blank canvas. 

Her skin was nearly as pale as mine was, but her veins were better hidden with a healthy amount of flesh. There were no dark rings around her eyes, and her nose was perfectly proportional to her face, unlike my larger, pointier one. My eyes were sharp with prominent lower lashes and reminded me of the colour of jeans. My hair had been lighter than hers, and my jaw had been strong. I wasn’t ‘beautiful’ in what I supposed was the traditional sense like the women I had seen on social media and in movies, but I liked to think that my face was interesting. This face was...well, it meant nothing to me. I could see no marks of hardship etched into it at all. And that’s why I hated it. It was like everything I had been through had been washed away in this strange dream. I tried not to look into mirrors. 

The rain made a pleasant sound as it hit the window panes, and it had me itching to write. So I emailed my mother. I told her everything that had happened to me. I told her that I would come back to her. That I missed her. Then I sent it, knowing it would go nowhere because the address hadn’t even been made yet, even if she did exist in this dream.

Powering down the computer, I flopped back on my bed, wondering if I could sleep. I couldn’t. I contemplated doing my hair in a cute updo, but seeing as I was going to be sitting next to a murderous and very hungry Edward today, I didn’t really want to tempt him with the visual of my neck; especially because I knew he could see the blood pumping beneath the skin. So instead I opted to do a half-up-half-down style with two space buns on top. I had no idea what was in fashion right now and I didn’t care. I liked it, and that was all that mattered. 

I went light on the makeup. Just some light brown eyeliner that I faded upwards so it almost looked like slight contour on the outer-sides of my eyes. After that, I applied chapstick. Looking at the clock, I could see it was five in the morning, and that Charlie would be up soon. I quickly got dressed in black leggings and black miniskirt before I pulled on a black turtleneck in and layered one of Bella’s cute white tank top blouses over it, tucking them both in. Yes, I looked fantastic.

I had never had the energy to devote to my appearance after I’d gotten sick and never cared enough before that, so experimenting like this was liberating! I added a black, oversized raincoat over the whole thing, and fiddled with it until it slouched just right off my shoulders. I would add my dark grey leather boots once I was ready to go outside. 

Charlie stumbled out of his room and did a double-take when he saw my door open and me inside, double-checking my backpack. “Didn’t sleep last night?”

“I did. I just don’t need a lot. Guess I was excited for today. What time do you need to be at work?”

He was still looking at my appearance with incredulous eyes like he couldn’t believe it. Instead of answering my question, he demanded, “Bella are you wearing a miniskirt?”

“Kind of. It goes past my fingers when my arms are down. Do you think it will break the dress code or something?”

He shook his head. “I need coffee.”

“Great! Me too. I was hoping you’d have time before work this morning to get breakfast with me at the diner.”

His step faltered. “You-you want to?”

“Why do you sound shocked? Yeah, I want to. We didn’t get to spend a lot of time together last night because I was tired, and we’ve mostly only talked about me so far. I want to hear more about you this morning. So, Breakfast and coffee at the diner?” I asked. 

“Yeah!” he enthused, looking more energized, and genuinely pleased. “Let’s do it!”

_Jesus Christ, Bella, why the hell is your dad happy over the smallest stuff. What did you do to the poor man?_ I grumbled internally, loping down the stairs and sliding down the fall in my fluffy socks to the shoe rack.

I tugged on the lace-ups and tightened them quickly. 

“I’ve never seen you look like that before. Is it a new trend or whatever?”

“I don’t think so,” I said, not sure why he was asking since I was pretty sure fashion and trends were not things he gave two shits for. “Not really sure. This is just how I dress. Layering is better in weather like this.” I explained, grunting with effort as I got the second foot in. 

“And your hair?”

“You don’t like it?” I wondered. Did it look weird? I couldn’t see the back so I couldn’t know if I’d parted it correctly. 

“No!” he assured. “It’s great, probably. I just didn’t think you cared about stuff like that.”

I shrugged. “What about you? You’re looking sharp in your uniform. Do you have a hearing or something today?”

His eyes lit up again when I asked him about his job, and he began telling me about what he had planned for today as we drove. I had been right. There was a hearing. Though, he didn’t want to talk about the specifics of that. I didn’t pursue that line of topic any further. 

“What’s your favourite part about Forks?” I asked him on the way there. 

He was still smiling, eyes shining. “I like the people here. I like that it’s small. I like that I can go to the diner and know I’ll have Darla as a waitress and Johnny as the chef. I like playing cards with all the guys on Saturday nights and watching the game in their living rooms.”

I wasn’t sure I’d ever read so much dialogue from him before. “You like being known,” I observed, nodding.

“How about you. What’s your favourite part about Phoenix?”

That was a loaded question. I hadn’t liked Phoenix. “Renee,” I told him. It wasn’t exactly a lie. I had enjoyed Renee’s spontaneity and artistic nature. She’d had so many different supplies in different mediums to play with. We had spent a lot of time going that. 

“She called me the other day,” he began, looking a bit uncomfortable again. “Said you’d not been yourself since you hit your head. You wanna talk about that?”

_Had she now? Renee, you snitch!_ I chucked ruefully to myself. “Oh come on,” I snorted. “I’m what, sixteen? Isn’t it normal for teenagers to try out new things and see what sticks? I don’t need head trauma as an excuse to explore different avenues of thought and interest.”

“Right,” he agreed slowly as he pulled into a parking spot. “But it’s _not_ normal for you to hit your head and behave like an entirely different person from then onwards.”

Damn. I always was a shitty actor. Too many things to pay attention to. At this point, now that I was in Forks, I wasn’t trying anymore. “I think we can both agree Renee tends to exaggerate and _emphasize_ when she’s telling stories.”

“You’re different.”

“I’m not that different,” I rolled my eyes to hide my anxiety. 

This time he snorted. “Bells, you walk around like you own whatever space you’re in. I haven’t seen you trip or fumble _once_ yet. You caught the keys last night one-handed. You’re wearing a _skirt_ and is that _makeup?_ ” he scoffed incredulously.

I raised a brow at him, head cocking and eyes challenging him. Sure, it wasn't in early 2000s spirit, but what did Charlie know about makeup? “You don’t like my makeup?”

“I don’t really care one way or the other about the makeup, I just want to know what’s going on.”

“Like I said. I’m just figuring out who I am.” I told him as we climbed out. 

Charlie leaned against the car, folding his hands in front of him and shook his head. “You can slip things past your mom, but you can’t fool me. You forget who transferred schools for you.”

Shit. I had. I grimaced. 

He nodded. “Uh uh. You dropped out of AP biology and your teachers say you’re getting bad marks in every class but art. When the hell have you ever been artistic.”

I waved a hand at the entirety of me. _Did he not notice my elite sense of style?_ I thought sarcastically. _I thought we’d covered this already._

“Okay, yes,” he agreed, pointing a finger, eyes still wide with confrontation. “But not for long. Not until after you hit your head. We’re just worried kid! I know a really great doctor here. I was hoping you’d let him check you out.”

I just knew he was talking about Carlisle. I raised a brow at him. “Is he a neurologist?”

“What?” Charlie seemed flustered. “No, I don’t know. He works at the hospital. A surgeon.”

“So, you don’t know what his specialty is?” I laughed. “He could be anything from a cardiologist to a proctologist!”

Charlie’s face went red, and his voice got annoyed. “Just let him look at you, will you? All you have to do is sit down and answer his questions. Please? Your mother won’t stop nagging.”

“Ah, so that’s the real reason,” I replied knowingly. Then sighed. “Fine. But not today. Maybe later this week.”

I knew that after Edward left because of bloodlust, Carlisle would either be curious about me or want to avoid me at all costs. The second would be convenient for the sake of the plot, but I really didn’t care either way. I was here to have fun and experience the magic of the world in all the ways I can. Speaking of…

“Can we go in now, or do you want to keep reading me the riot act?”

Charlie sighed. “Fine, fine. Let’s go. I’ll talk to the doctor later.”

“Good! Now enough about me. Tell me what’s good here.”

Charlie began listing ‘safe’ options, which vaguely worried me, so ultimately, I just looked at the menu myself, asking Charlie each time something sounded like it had potential and continued to enjoy his wincing every time I came across one that was apparently ‘unsafe’. It was in that corner booth, chucking at Charlie as I flipped through the menu that I turned to the last page and my stomach dropped. It shouldn’t have bothered me. There was a picture of a large chocolate milkshake with whipped cream and a maraschino cherry almost covering the entire thing. I felt like my heart had stopped. That stupid lump took up residence in my throat again and I just stared at it. 

How long would this dream last? I didn’t know. Was it even a dream? It certainly didn’t feel like one. I’d been operating on the basis that it was, but I felt like everywhere I looked was a reminder that it wasn’t.

I must have been silent for too long because Charlie snapped his fingers in front of my face a few times. “Hey! Bella, you okay?”

I blinked up at him, a single tear escaping. “Ah!” I swiped it away with my hand quickly. “Sorry Charlie,” I gave him a little sheepish smile. “Girl moment.”

He didn’t look convinced, but I was thankful he didn’t press the matter. We fell back into more comfortable topics and we continued to have a wonderful morning.

Coffee, I decided, was disgusting. Why did it smell so good but taste so bad? Maybe I had just never grown the taste for it since I hadn’t been able to drink it in my own body. Charlie nearly had coffee coming out his nose when he saw my face as I drank it. I don’t know why, but I drank the whole cup. I’d never seen him laugh like that in the story. He looked different than he did in the movies, just like the house. I wondered if the Cullen’s would be the same. 

We enjoyed our time together but lost track of time, so I was very nearly late by the time I’d left the administrative office with the slip and the map of the school. I had no sense of direction and I would not be using the map. I would be asking for help.

I noticed the Volvo in the parking lot and took a deep breath. _Alright. Here’s to hoping I’m not about to die,_ I thought. 

I geared myself for the worst and headed inside. The classes were just like they had been in Phoenix. I was, in general, fairly quick on the uptake. But I had neurological problems that made it difficult to comprehend information correctly. I didn’t have a diagnosed learning disability, but I was annoyed that whatever it was had followed me into this coma dream. I could have done without. 

Introducing myself in front of the class had been no big deal. Greeting and name. Sometimes a fun fact, but that was pretty much it. I was stared at a lot though. I was beginning to understand Bella’s discomfiture with that.

Eric approached me first, introducing himself and offering to help me to my next class, and the chain of events had continued pretty normally from there onwards. I mostly spoke in omissions or turned the conversation away from myself because I didn’t like to outright lie if I didn’t absolutely have to. 

Jessica befriended me pretty much immediately. I remembered that in Midnight Sun, her kindness had been superficial. However, I wasn’t willing to burn any bridges in a world where I lacked my entire support system. Maybe she would prove me wrong, or we would click in a different way than she and Bella did.

I met a bunch of her friends at lunch, but most notably, Angela. We had Biology II together next period, and she offered to walk me to class. I accepted gratefully. I did not ask about the Cullens. They were pointed out to me anyways, though.

“Bella, look,” giggled Jessica, tipping her head and gazing meaningfully at a table far across the room from us. 

“What?” I asked. I knew she wanted me to look at the Cullens, but logically speaking, there were a lot of tables and people between us and them, so how would I know? I may have used that to my advantage.

“Do you see that group sitting in the corner on the far side of the room?”

I glanced over them briefly. Edward’s gaze was on Jessica, so I purposely avoided looking directly into his eyes. They really didn’t look anything like they did in the movie. _Interesting!_ I thought to myself. _My dreams usually aren’t this consistent._ That thought brought some dread up from deep inside me, but I pushed it back down to where it was only on my attention’s periphery.

I nodded at my bubbly companion. “Yeah, why?”

I was hoping she wouldn’t continue on, because I had remembered this conversation annoying me in the book. I also wasn’t sure how I wanted to proceed yet and I needed to figure it out fast. Would I avoid the Cullens or get involved with them? Would it even be right to involve myself with them when I wasn’t really ‘Bella’? It was _she_ whose fate was twisted with theirs. Not mine. 

Jessica gave me an odd look. “Aren’t they gorgeous?” she asked, seeming surprised at my lack of interest. 

I nodded, glancing in their direction. “Yeah. Great sense of style too. Kudos to them,” I said cheerfully, sipping on the tea I’d purchased instead of lunch. 

“You might not be interested now, but you definitely will be after I tell you about them,” she promised. “Those are the Cullens. That’s Edward, Emmet, and Alice Cullen, and Rosalie and Jasper Hale. They all live together with Dr. Cullen and his wife,” she let me know under her breath. 

Angela ate her food and turned to her neighbor to engage him in conversation. It might have been my imagination, but she almost seemed annoyed. 

“But what’s _interesting_ is that they’re all _together!_ ” she told me, stifling another giggle. “Emmet and Rosalie, and Jasper and Alice I mean. And they _live_ together.”

Yeah, it was weird looking at it from the outside not knowing they were actually really old vampires, but honestly, it was no one’s business. “Huh. Well, they don’t look like they’re related. I don’t see the issue.” I shrugged at her, taking another sip of my green tea.

“Oh, no, they’re not.” She assured me. “Dr. Cullen is really young. I think he’s somewhere in his late twenties or early thirties. They’re all adopted. The Hales _are_ related. They’re twins, and they’re foster kids.”

“It’s great they have a good foster family. A lot of kids can’t say the same.” I wondered if I was covering my annoyance correctly. I was tiring of this line of conversation. I knew all of this already, and I was sort of fed up with Jessica’s gossip. I wasn’t sure why she was trying to cast them in a bad light.

“Yeah, I guess so.” She said, reluctantly. “But Mrs. Cullen can’t have kids though.”

Jesus, why was that anyone else’s business? She had no right to go around spreading other people’s medical problems! I had to tamp down on the sudden burst of frustrated helplessness that rose in my in response to the situation. I turned in my seat so I was facing her. “Jessica, I don’t think you should be talking about Mrs. Cullen’s personal medical business. I don’t feel comfortable hearing about that sort of thing unless it’s directly from the person themselves. Sharing medical problems is _really_ personal because they have such an extreme impact on mental, emotional, and social health.” I told her firmly. I wasn't attacking her, I told myself. I was setting a boundary; a precedent for further interactions. “I don’t think you’re trying to hurt anyone, but I really do believe that it’s none of anyone’s business but their own.”

I hadn’t realized the entire table had stopped their conversation and were looking at me. Their emotions ranged from apathy to curiosity. Angela nodded in agreement, eyes fixed on the girl sitting beside me.

Jessica flushed. “I wasn’t trying to be mean!” she spluttered. 

I nodded and smiled, reaching under the table to squeeze her hand. “I know. You’re really nice to try and include me in the stuff you guys talk about. Being new is really nerve-wracking,” I gave her a sheepish smile, turning the conversation away from the Cullens and Jessica's embarrassment simultaneously. “Have you lived here your whole life?”

The conversation picked up quickly after that; Jessica leapt at the chance to direct the conversation elsewhere, taking up the new topic with gusto and engaging the others at the table in the conversations. I didn’t mean to glance at the Cullen’s table, but as I was watching Jessica and one of her other friends walk away from the table to go to their next class, my eyes caught on someone else’s. 

I was surprised to see the tall blond goddess I knew to be Rosalie looking at me. I was caught in her gaze for a long few seconds. Her expression was closed off at first, but after a moment, she gave me a small acknowledging nod, as if in greeting. I nodded back and smiled politely, but didn’t hold her gaze any longer.

 _Shit,_ I thought to myself. I’d forgotten they’d be able to hear me. Had they all been listening in, or just Rosalie? I wasn't brave enough to look back at their table and look for her sibling's reactions. It was none of my business anyway. They were entitled to react to things without feeling like they were in a fishbowl. I didn't have time to worry about that right now in any case. In the book, in this scene, Edward had been the one to lock eyes with Bella. I probably hadn’t knocked the plot off-kilter too far, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please consider subscribing, bookmarking, leaving kudos, and commenting if you want to keep seeing more! Thank you for your support. As an author, I live off my reader's feedback.


	4. If Looks Could Kill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have my first encounter with Edward Cullen...'if looks could kill' has taken one a whole new meaning. I'll do just about anything to keep myself from ending up on the menu today, including going off-script.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW! Thank you for the outpouring of support for this story. I love how engaged everyone is! Here's another chapter to reward your efforts!

#  Chapter Three: If Looks Could Kill 

Angela and I stood from the table and gathered our trash and our bags a little before the first bell rang. I wanted to get there early to talk to Mr. Banner. I waved at Jess, promising I’d see her later. She had been a bit awkward, but she had agreed with a smile. Maybe she wasn’t used to be called out on her gossip. But friends didn’t let friends make the same mistakes over and over again, and I liked to think that we would become friends at some point. 

As we walked towards the hall, Angela was silent. She remained so until we were outside and close to the building biology was in. She broke the quiet when she said turned and smiled shyly. 

“About what you said at lunch,” she began hesitantly as we walked through the doors. “A lot of us were really impressed.”

I stopped to slip off my raincoat and hang it on one of the provided pegs. “I didn’t do it to impress anyone,” I said honestly, frowning a little. “But I'm glad I didn't scare you off with my comment.”

She shook her head and waved a hand in front of her as if clearing the air. “Not at all,” she assured.

I gave her a lopsided smile as we walked toward our room. “That's a relief.”

“You’re good with people, I think.” She remarked after a moment. was contemplative. 

I grabbed the door and pushed it open, holding it for her. I gave a small snort. “Oh, honey, it’s only the first day,” I laughed, thinking of how many times I had accidentally blurted out the wrong thing in front of the wrong person. “Trust me. You’ll see me put my foot in my mouth soon enough.”

She bit her lip and nodded with a grin. “I’ll look forward to it then.”

She gave me a friendly wave and headed to sit next to her desk mate. My eyes caught on an empty chair in the room and lo and behold, it was next to a certain Edward Cullen. I wasn't surprised, but that didn't stop the anxiety that rose in me as I began to make my way down the aisle, minimizing my movements as much as possible. No sense in stirring Bella’s scent into the air too much. He wasn’t looking at me, but at the biology textbook open in front of him. I doubted he was actually reading it. I focused on the teacher at the front of the room and walked quickly in order to pass him. No sense in delaying the inevitable. That didn't stop my heart from pounding loudly. I knew I couldn't hide it from him with confident body language, but that didn't stop me from trying. 

He must have heard it because he turned to face me. I walked by him quickly. Out of my periphery, I saw him go absolutely rigid in his seat. It drew my gaze. I hadn't meant to look, but my attention had been so firmly fixed on him I couldn't stop myself. We locked eyes long enough for me to see his expression fill with animosity. He really did look furious, as Bella had described in the book. Bella hadn’t been frightened in this scene, because she hadn’t been aware of what he was or what he was thinking. I was afforded no such luxuries. 

I was scared. I took a deep breath and continued walking, breaking eye contact and facing forward. I needed to get in the right mindset. I had been terrified before. I used to suffer from an extreme case of needle phobia. I had been forced to grow out of that by necessity so I hoped that I could manifest the same calm I felt about needles now could be manifested to be felt about Edward Cullen. The difference was that I knew I wouldn’t die if I got a shot or IV or my blood drawn. Edward was currently thinking of murdering me and everyone else in this classroom and he was entirely capable of doing so. Even _likely_. 

Mr. Banner signed my slip without any fuss about group introductions. I took the offered textbook from his hand and thanked him, telling him I looked forward to working with him over the next few months. 

He just squinted at me and nodded. “Excellent, Miss Swan. You’ll be sitting next to Mr. Cullen over there.”

“Thanks.”

Unable to delay it any further, I turned resolutely and headed over to the desk we’d be sharing. I didn't make eye-contact as I approached. I wouldn’t let him intimidate me. This was my dream, dammit, and I wasn’t about to let my own mind work against me again as it had in the past. 

The chair scraped across the floor as I sat down. I made sure to pull it a put further towards the aisle, sitting down on the edge of it. We were both sitting on the extreme edges of our seats, leaving a strange space between us. 

I remembered later on in the story, Edward had asked Bella to distract him so he wouldn’t think about snacking. I weighed my options carefully. If I did this, I would deviate from the storyline, and there was a distinct possibility that I would end up as Edward’s late lunch. However, on the other hand, I wasn’t Bella, and I couldn't possibly imitate the exact movement and behavior that she'd had in this scene simply because I didn’t have that precise of a script to work off of. Was the storyline fragile enough that if I moved more than she did or breathed differently that Edward would end up killing Bella during their first meeting? I had no clue. I would use whatever knowledge I had at my disposal to make it through this. 

_You know what, I’m not going to worry about the plot right now. Today, my only goal is to survive long enough to be picked up by Charlie this afternoon. We’ve got plans to play cards tonight and I’ll be damned if I miss it._

Settled now on my course of action, I turned to face him, ignoring his glowering. “Hi, I’m Bella.” I smiled at him as if he wasn’t looking at me like I looked at batches of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. “Since we’ll be lab partners, you should know right off the bat that I am horrendous with this subject. Fun fact, did you know you could get a negative score on a pop quiz? I sure didn't.”

His face, though still etched with hard twitched slightly. Man, tough crowd. No reaction at all.

“So if you could spare some grace for me, that’d be great.” I continued on, opening my textbook. “I’ll study hard and do my best not to hold you back, but if I have a question, I hope you don’t mind me asking you. I understand you are incredibly savvy when it comes to getting good grades. Any clue about what we’ll be studying today?”

“Cellular anatomy,” he murmured reflexively, probably picking it out of Mr. Banner's head, if I had to guess.

“Fantastic,” I grumbled to myself before replying, “okay, thanks.”

I checked the index and then flipped to the first mention in the book. Might as well get a head start. Edward was stiff and desperately trying to control his urges. I became very still, breathing softly so I didn’t disrupt the air too much, and then began reading. A few minutes later, the other students began filtering in and finding their seats. 

I was surprised when Edward spoke to me through clenched teeth. “You don’t enjoy biology?” 

Oh? He was speaking to me? Interesting. That hadn't happened in the original scene. I remembered from Midnight Sun that he had to breathe in order to speak, so I guessed he was on a limited supply at the moment. He shouldn’t strain himself too much, I could talk for days on end if given any amount of caffeine. Thankfully, my green tea from lunch had contained some. I was so ready for this.

“About as much as I would enjoy getting a root canal,” I replied cheerfully, then continued to rattle on. “I would highly favor watching paint dry over actively attempting to memorize facts and figures pertaining to biology, or any science really. Quantum physics is an interesting field, but only so much as it is interesting in exploring the sci-fi genre or used as proof in Film Theory.”

I stopped there because I realized that the Film Theory channel wasn't even a thing yet and wouldn't be for years. That thought was depressing. It shouldn't have been, but it reminded me of all the other things I missed. I missed my laptop and all the stories I had written on it. I missed my family and even my doctors. I missed my art supplies and the green wingback chair that I'd gotten for my twentieth birthday. 

Anxiety joined the party again and I found myself staring at the page instead of talking like I should have been. I needed to look at the facts and continue to reassure myself that I knew the difference between dream and reality. I desperately wanted to be alone. There were too many words inside my head to worry about sorting out which ones would be relevant or appropriate or safe to insert into this one-sided conversation. So instead, I said nothing, suddenly feeling exhausted.

Edward Cullen didn’t say anything more to me and I didn’t look at him. I continued to remain still. I wondered if that was helpful to him. I don’t remember him talking to Bella at all in this scene, just continued to glower. I could feel his gaze drilling into the side of my head, and I could tell that while the distraction had worked a little, its effects were already wearing off. 

Mr. Banner called the class to order but I had no hopes that he would be able to distract Edward enough to keep me alive through this because we were studying cellular anatomy, which was about as interesting as dirt as far as I was concerned. I focused on taking notes. It was easy to get distracted in the mundane task. I knew he was still drilling holes into the side of my head, but I didn't give him the satisfaction of looking at him. 

Eventually, I began to relax and get more comfortable the longer I sat there. I knew the longer he was acclimatized to my scent, the easier it would be for his to resist the blood lust. It was supremely uncomfortable to be the sole focus of the top predator in the room. And, as annoyed as I was with the way he was making me feel, I couldn't refuse to acknowledge the herculean effort it took for him to remain in control. I had to remember that before I let myself get too vindictive. Ultimately, I was grateful that all he was doing as glaring. 

The other students in the classroom noticed it too and seemed unnerved by it. Even Mr. Banner didn't say anything about it, which vexed me, even if I knew he couldn't do anything about it. But as a teacher, shouldn't he stand up in cases like this? Maybe if he said something, Edward could use it as an excuse to go to the principal's office or leave early; but instead, our teacher turned a blind eye. I had never thought about what other people had seen during this scene in the book, but now I was highly conscious of it. I could also hear the low whispering towards the back of the room. We were being talked about. 

By the time the lecture had ended, I had given up on taking notes altogether. I was feeling very overwhelmed and just wanted this class to be over. I wanted to know that the storyline would progress, even if I wasn't sure what I'd do with it yet. That wasn't important at this moment. 

When the bell rang, Edward rose fluidly from his seat. He loomed over me as he stood. He was way taller than I would have thought. Then he was out the door before anyone else had even stood up from their tables. It was a bit faster than human speed, but no one seemed to think it particularly odd. I released my breath in a whoosh. I’d lived through it. I’d made it. And I’d even managed to stave off an anxiety attack. I felt accomplished. And now that Edward, the trigger for my anxiety attack was gone, I slowly felt my energy beginning to return. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes momentarily. 

_Alright. It's over, he's gone and headed to Alaska for a week. You can breathe now,_ I thought. _Pull yourself together and get through the rest of this day so you can go home and relax with Charlie._ I nodded to myself, appreciating the internal pep talk before I stacked my books together with purpose.

“Hey, aren’t you Isabella Swan?” some blond dude asked me as he approached my table. 

I was putting my notebook and textbook in my bag. I glanced up at him briefly. “That’s what they tell me,” I replied. “But I go by Bella.”

He smiled at me. “I’m Mike.”

I should have guessed, but this character had pretty much been lost to my radar. This would be troublesome. “Hey, Mike.”

“Do you need any help getting to your next class?”

“Nope,” I declined. Best nip his hopes in the bud straight away before I began to feel responsible for his mental health. I tried not to wince at that particular thought, as I knew about the memory from which it stemmed. “I’m good. I’m making a stop somewhere else on the way. Thanks anyways.”

His face fell. “Oh, that’s too bad.”

I smiled politely at him as I stood up. “See you around,” I grabbed the handle at the top of my backpack and slung it over my shoulder instead of putting it on. I was hoping I would be able to skip gym today since I’d only be sitting out anyways due to my lack of uniform. 

I stopped by the restroom on the way because I wanted to wash my hands. I hated going long periods of time without having my hands clean. I hadn’t been able to wash them after lunch, and I know I had touched the table and Jessica’s hand. Who knows what or who else could have touched those or what sort of germs could have been on them. I scrubbed at them harshly. I’d have to sanitize everything I’d touched in my bag since then later on at home since I didn't want to do it here. Drawing attention to the fact that I was a germaphobe was a horrible idea. I didn't want to be asked about it and I wasn't going to apologize for it. Being immunocompromised in the middle of a worldwide pandemic would do that to a person. 

I walked out of the bathroom and out of the building, looking for the gym. You could hardly miss it.

“Hey, we’re headed in the same direction,” I heard Mike say from my left once I’d begun heading that way. He'd been standing, leaning outside the door on one of the pillars, hands stuffed in his pockets. “You have Gym too, Bella?”

I nodded, trying not to sigh. I wished he hadn’t waited for me when I’d made it clear I didn’t want to walk with him. If this was a recurring theme, I would have to clearly set boundaries. “Yeah. Seems we share this period too.” _Unfortunately._

Mike nodded, walking quickly to keep up with my long strides. I made no attempt to slow down for him. “So, did you stab Cullen with a pencil or what?”

My lips quirked at the notion. “Of course not, a pencil isn’t very effective when it comes to stabbing.”

Mike stumbled in his steps. 

I gave him the side eye. “Kidding.” But maybe not if this kid decided to stalk me. Then I might find myself pulling out the forks from the silverware drawer. Anything could happen. 

“Oh. I’ve never seen him act like that,” he told me, chuckling a bit nervously.

“It’s possible he doesn't like me because I told him I’m trash at biology. Probably doesn’t want me to hold him back.”

Mike shrugged as we walked into the building. “He’s a weird guy. If I were lucky enough to sit by you, I would have talked to you.”

Lucky for me, then, that I’d been assigned to another partner. I gave him a polite smile. “Thanks, but I don’t mind it. If he’s that much of a hardass then he’ll push me to do better. I’m up for the challenge. See you in there.”

Thankful to finally be away from Mike's prying, I headed into the girl’s locker room and straight through to the gymnasium. With any luck, I'd be gone before he came out of the boy's locker room. I knew the coach the second I saw him. He was in red shorts and a white shirt with a whistle, so the heavyset middle-aged man was hard to miss.

“Coach Clapp,” I called out to him, remembering his name from the slip Mrs. Cope had given me earlier. I took long strides to meet him. “Hi, my name is Bella Swan.” He took the hand I offered him and I shook it firmly before letting go.

“Oh, that’s right,” he nodded. “I did hear a new student would be joining something this week. I didn’t realize that was today. Sorry, but I don’t have a uniform for you.”

“Actually, I was going to ask you about that. Since I can’t participate yet, I would like to call my father to pick me up early. I’m still settling in at the house and could use the extra hours where I can get them now that I have homework to book into my schedule as well.”

“Oh, well,” his eyebrows rose at my question. “I guess that’s fine just this once. But you’re uniform won’t be ready for a couple of days, and I can’t excuse you early every day until it does.”

“I understand. Thanks for the leniency today, coach.”

“You ever do sports?” he asked me before I could leave. He sounded hopeful.

“Dance,” I corrected. “A long time ago. Now I mostly enjoy flexibility training, isolated muscle repetitions, and sustained strength-building exercise.”

Would I be allowed to do that in Gym? That would save me extra time if I didn’t have to do it at home. I wasn’t sure what they did in Gym here. I hoped I would have to climb a rope like Peter and Ned had in Spiderman: Homecoming. It was almost like climbing aeral silks, just easier. 

He nodded. “I’ll make a note of your dance history. You are allowed to stretch before and after Gym, we have time allotted specifically for that, but I need you to be sure you can do it safely.”

“I’m not sure how you would verify that,” I began. “But I don’t stretch cold muscles ever. I trained with a contortionist for a year and a half when I was fourteen while she was teaching aerial silks. A lot of our time was spent conditioning and exercising. I’ve lost quite a bit of that flexibility, but I know where my limits are.”

“Well, I’ll want to observe the first time you do it just to be sure you can do it safely without supervision.” 

“I have no problem with that. Now, if you would sign my slip for me?” I handed it to him and offered a pen. He scrawled his name. “Excellent. I’ll see you tomorrow, coach.”

He shook his head, bemused. “Yeah.” He tugged his baseball cap a little farther down on his head and began muttering quietly to himself as he walked away.

I turned and walked back the way I came. I was in an excellent mood! Things had gone wonderfully, aside from the near panic attack and inescapable pit of depression! I had gotten through the day in one piece and hadn’t become anyone’s smackerole. And what was better was that Edward wouldn't be at school tomorrow. I would have an entire week to figure out if I wanted to go through with the story’s plotline or not. I felt lighter than I had since I’d started this weird dream.

I headed for the office enjoying the chilly little sprinkles the sky was peppering me with. I decided to think of it as confetti. I approached the office I'd been in earlier that morning and waltzed in with a pep in my step. “Hello, Mrs. Cope!” I sang. 

She looked up with a beaming smile on her face. “You look like you had a good day, dear, good for you!”

I did a little spin for her to make her laugh and then ended with my arm stretched out with the slip between my fingers. “I had an excellent day, thank you very much!” I was near giddy with relief. And now that I didn't have to deal with Edward for a week, I didn't have to hold myself back or stress about the plot at all!

“I hoped you would. Make any friends?”

I hummed as she looked over the slip before signing her own name at the bottom and filing it away in my own personal file. “One or two friends and one or two enemies,” I grinned at her. 

She clicked her tongue. “You’re a troublemaker, I just know it.” She shook her head, but it looked fond.

“Troublemaker?” I pretended to be offended. “Excuse you, I prefer the word ‘entertainer’. But in all seriousness, I’m just playing with you. Everyone I’ve met has been very kind and welcoming,” I assured her. 

“I’m happy to hear it. I notice you’re here early, though. Skipping class already?” her eyebrows rose. 

“Mrs. Cope, I hope you would think better of me than to believe that if I skipped class I would come to announce it to an administrator,” I huffed. “Coach Clapp gave me special exception today so I could go home and finish unpacking since he doesn’t have a uniform for me yet. I can’t participate so I figured I’d ask. It’s only for today, though. I have to sit through the class from now until my uniform comes.”

She tsked. “That man, I told him when you were coming weeks ago.”

“No complaints coming from me. I get to go home early.” I wagged my eyebrows at her. 

She chuffed out a laugh. “Alright then, go on, go home.”

“Can I use your phone to call Charlie? He’s my ride.”

“No problem, hun. I even have the station’s number on speed-dial for troublemakers like you.”

Shoot. How did you use speed-dial again? I picked up the phone and stared at it. “Mrs. Cope, what buttons do I press.”

“And here I thought all kids were tech-savvy.”

I stifled a laugh. Sure, if you wanted me to convert a PNG into a JPEG or compress a file or cross-reference internet resources, but that was technology available in 2020. We didn’t have speed-dial anymore as far as I knew. We just had a favorites list on our cellphones and an emergency contact setting. 

“Here you are,” she gave me the phone just as Charlie was picking up. 

“Hi, Mrs. Cope, what can I do for you?” a slightly disembodied voice came down the line. 

“Actually, this is Bella Swan,” I corrected. “I was hoping to speak to Charlie?”

“Sure, one sec.”

There was some shuffling and clicking on the other end until I heard Charlie’s voice come down the line. “Bells? Everything okay?”

“Don’t sound so worried,” I admonished lightly. “Everything’s fine. I got released early since I couldn’t participate in Gym today. They didn’t have a uniform for me, so I asked Coach Clapp if I could head out early to finish unpacking.”

“Oh,” he sounded much better. “You want me to come and pick you up?”

“If you don’t mind. If you don’t have time, I don’t mind walking.”

“No, it’s fine. I was about to leave on patrol anyways.”

I had no idea if that was true or not. Did the Police Chief usually patrol? I honestly had no idea. “Thanks. I’ll be waiting in the administration office.” I told him. 

“I’ll be there in three minutes.”

“‘Kay. See you soon.” I ended the call and put the huge phone back on its stand. I yawned and stretched. Was it normal to feel so tired in a dream?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so proud of myself for posting every day for three days. I'm going to reward myself with vegetarian sushi and fanfiction now. 
> 
> I'd love to know your thoughts on the story and on this chapter! Remember to subscribe so you don't miss it when I update. 
> 
> Cheers!


	5. Compiling My Assets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm baaackkkkk~ oh my LORD I have written so much in the past week. I began fleshing out twilight fanfiction ideas as a means to escape from real-world problems, and before I know it I had 60k words written in different places, exploring different ideas. (I've never written so much in such a short period of time in my LIFE) I'm glad I went with this one. It seems like a lot of people are enjoying it!
> 
> NOTICE: I may be changing the title of this story to Full Moon

#  Chapter Four: Compiling My Assets

Charlie was smiling when he pulled up, honking twice to get my attention. “Ditching already?” he joked as I climbed in. 

I rolled my eyes as I buckled my seat belt. “Hardy har har. Nice try, but Mrs. Cope beat you to that one.” 

He shrugged, not seeming to be bothered by that. “Mrs. Cope has a good sense of humor.”

“She’s fun,” I agreed, wondering why her character hadn’t been more fleshed out in the books. Maybe because she was just in the background. I was pretty sure she’d only been mentioned in the first chapter. My first encounter with her before school had been much the same as Bella’s had, though with quite a bit more contribution to the conversation on my part. 

“Want to tell me about your day?” he asked as he pulled out of the drive. 

He sounded like he expected me to brush him off. _Jesus, Bella, what the hell?_ I thought for perhaps the hundredth time since this crazy dream began. “Well, my classes were pretty much as boring as I expected and I had a lot of people coming up to me and asking about me. One dude wanted to take my picture and put me on the front page of the school newspaper.”

“Did you say yes?”

I snorted. “Heck no. I didn’t feel particularly egocentric today, so I took a hard pass. It’d be embarrassing to act like I was some sort of celebrity just because I’m the new girl.”

His lip quirked.

I continued when he didn’t respond. “I also met a girl named Angela who seemed really great, and a girl named Jessica who could use a good friend.”

He coughed slightly before he posed his next question. “Any boys?”

“Sure,” I replied casually, trying not to grin. Charlie wasn’t subtle at all. “The newspaper dude, Eric, this obnoxious one named Tyler, an untrained puppy named Mike, and a very self-disciplined one named Edward.”

“That’s a lot of boys.” He grumbled as we pulled up in front of the house. 

“Too many,” I replied in agreement. 

He nodded firmly in approval as he parked. 

I climbed out of the car, hiding a smirk as I continued voicing my thought. “Mature guys are way more attractive.”

The shock and horror on his face was worth it as I grinned and closed the car door, sauntering up to the front door as Charlie put the cruiser in reverse and sped away like a bat out of hell. That would scare him off from asking me about boys for at least a week. No doubt we’d have a very amusing conversation after he got off work. I looked forward to it.

Decided to double down on my homework, I headed into the dining room. I dropped my backpack on the table and pulled out everything I had touched while I was at school. Sanitizing them was quick work as I was very familiar with the process. I sang to myself as I dried my pens and pencils and wiped down my notebook and biology textbook.

Feeling better after I had done so, I washed my hands one more time before I gathered my things and headed back into the dining room. With a quick wipe down of the table, I was all ready to begin. 

Time passed slowly as I worked through it. I groaned and bellyached my way through STEM, but things looked up a bit in English. God, I had not missed the stress of getting good grades. Especially after the worry I’d caused Renee back in Phoenix. Speaking of classes, I needed to talk with Mrs. Cope and see if I could switch one of my classes for an art class. The thought of dealing with all that tomorrow was tiring already. 

The stress of it all made me wish I had my phone to play some music on, but alas, this was ye olden early 2000s. Maybe I could get an MP3 player. I listened to a lot of big band jazz at one time before I got sick because I loved swing dancing with my friends, so maybe I would look for something like that. Oh! And the Lord of the Rings soundtrack. Those movies were out, so it should be available.

With that plan tentatively in place, I felt more settled as I finished working through my homework. Two hours in and my brain felt ready to melt. This was torture, plain and simple. Someone needed to call the police on those teachers. Eventually, I decided that taking a break would probably be a good idea. Maybe some physical exercise to get the blood pumping to my brain? 

I began my process by running up and down the stairs a few times since I didn’t feel like running in the rain. I had no idea whether Edward had left for Alaska already or if he was lurking in the woods, thinking about coming into the house. I honestly couldn’t remember. Best not to tempt fate, in any case, though I suppose my being in the house wouldn’t stop him if he’d a mind to do it. I was hoping for a sort of mind over matter situation. 

Stairs, planks, jumping jacks, and crunches did the trick. Now was the real test. Stretching. When I’d been Bella’s age, I’d been at my most flexible after three intensive years of dance, one and a half of which had been training under a contortionist. Flexibility had always been something I prided myself on, so I wanted to figure out what Bella could do. 

I stretched my hamstrings first, gentle and slow with a few elongated lunges and the butterfly position. Bella’s body seemed a lot more flexible than I thought it would be. My next test was the splits. I had thought that she might be able to get 80% of the way down at least, but I was astonished when I easily made it down all the way. I sat there for a few moments, confused. 

I seriously doubted Bella had been this flexible in cannon. So why was she now? I had only been able to become this flexible in my teens due to an unknown genetic connective tissue disorder that would eventually keep me bedridden. Did Bella experience the same thing? I was seventeen when I first began experiencing pain and symptoms. Would I experience it all over again in this body? 

I pulled myself out of the splits and sa on the floor, tucking my head between my knees. I was hyperventilating. I couldn’t think about this right now. Too much had happened today for me to freak out like this. I just needed to breathe and enjoy that right now, in this moment, I could be as flexy as I wanted without repercussions. 

Stuffing my panic deep inside, I began stretching my back next. Panic was a problem for future Hallan. Right now, all I needed to worry about was the cat-cow stretch, and then the cobra stretch after that. All I needed to think about was making beautiful shapes with this body and feeling my muscles stretch and release tension as I came down from my exercise. After I’d gotten my emotions under control, I enjoyed my stretching to the fullest. I would be prepared with Coach Clapp wanted to test me. I was ready for this. 

Charlie came home right as I was finishing the last of my homework. I heard the door open and listened as he began taking off his coat and removing his holster. 

“I’m home,” he called up the stairs.

“I’m in here.” 

I came to the door. He still looked disgruntled after our conversation earlier. No father wanted to hear about what kind of guys his daughter was into. He might have a heart attack if he knew women were on the table too. I would spare him that information for the time being. After all, when I made it home, Bella would have to live with the ramifications of being in this body after I’d used it. 

“Oh, you’re in the kitchen. You cooking?”

I winced. “Only if burnt water sounds appetizing.”

He grunted. “Well, you’re mine and Renee’s kid so I shouldn’t be surprised. But I thought for sure Renee said you cooked.”

“She’s either exaggerating or flattering. You know how it is.”

He nodded in assent. “So are we going to try to make something or are we going to live off beer and potato chips?”

I made a face. Neither option was particularly appealing. I wasn’t that hungry. “How about we make sandwiches?” I compromised. At least I wouldn’t have to use the stove or oven. Fire and/or heat and I did not mix well. “Do you have everything for that?”

“I have peanut butter and jelly.”

“I can’t have peanuts,” I said reflexively. My mom was deathly allergic and I couldn’t stand the taste or smell of them anymore without feeling ill. “Let’s look in the fridge.”

In the end, we sliced up apples and ate snacks. We would have to go shopping soon. There wasn’t a lot that I remembered about the early 2000s, but if there was anything, it was to stay away from boxed freezer meals and avoid gluten bread like the plague because they hadn’t figured out how to make it taste like anything other than cardboard. 

“We should keep it really simple when we go to the store. Noodles, rice, chicken, cheese, some hardy veggies. You can do a lot with those.”

“I thought you said you don’t cook.”

“I don’t. We’ll have to figure it out together.” I wondered if they had recipes online yet. I had no idea how accessible the internet was to the general public. 

He nodded glumly.

“Alright, old man, you promised you’d play cards with me. I know how to play old maid and go fish. Neither are good with only two people, so you’ll have to teach me.”

That had him brightening considerably. We spent the next hour and a half playing cards. Charlie beat me over and over again without fail. 

“Someone call the police!” I wailed dramatically after my seventh loss. “There’s been a murder!”

Charlie laughed at my antics, but continued to show me no mercy. After the ninth time, I finally won a single game and crowed triumphantly. “Ha HA!” I stood and put my foot on my chair. “Now you must bow to my card-playing prowess like the mere mortal you are!”

Charlie snorted. “If I’m a ‘mere’ mortal after losing once, what are you after losing nine times?”

“Persistent.”

“I’ll win next round,” promised Charlie. 

I stopped my inner victory dance. “Next round? No way. I’m stopping while I’m ahead.” I told him, grinning as I put the cards back into the little box. 

Charlie cleared his throat, sounding awkward again all of the sudden. “Bella,” he began, not sounding like he wanted to have this conversation at all. “Uh, earlier, in the car…”

Hiding my mirth, I asked innocently, “yes?”

“Well,” his face reddened and he scratched the back of his neck awkwardly. “How old was your last boyfriend?”

I could truthfully answer as both myself and Bella. “I’ve never have one.”

“Never?”

“Not a one.”

“But you said you liked older guys. How old are we talking?” he asked, sounding stressed now. He ran his hands through his hair in agitation. Poor Charlie. “If you bring some guy my age around, I’m _going_ to arrest him, Bella. You’re sixteen!”

I couldn’t hold my chortles back any longer, so I collapsed in the chair.

He frowned. “It’s not funny, Bells!”

I wiped a stray tear away from under my eye, still laughing a bit. It really was funny, considering the plot line of this story. “I’m sorry,” I finally breathed through my hysterics.

“So? How mature are we talking?” he crossed his arms over his chest, tapping his foot. “Because I don’t like it, Bella.”

“Oh, positively ancient,” I snickered. 

“Bells,” he drew the name out warningly. 

“Alright, alright. I’m sorry for teasing you. But you made such a funny face in the car I couldn’t help it.”

“So it was all a joke?” he asked, sounding relieved. 

“I was joking with you,” I affirmed. _At the moment. It’s true I’m not into teenagers, though. Too many hormones and not enough experience._

He let out a loud groan. “You nearly gave me an aneurysm.” chided Charlie, annoyed.

“Well, at least now you have perspective,” I remarked cheerfully. “So when I bring someone home to meet you, you won’t complain too much because you’ll know the alternative.”

“You,” he pointed a finger at me. “Are evil. You know that?”

“You’re not the first person to tell me that today.”

He nodded. “Well, they’re right.”

“Hey,” I reprimanded. “I could be doing drugs, think about it that way.”

He looked ready to blow his top again, so I gave him a look to tell him I was joking. I’d been high in hospitals from medication enough times that it wasn’t a situation I ever wanted to reproduce recreationally. Not that Charlie knew that. 

“Okay, I won’t tease you anymore,” I said, standing up. “I’ll leave you to wind down with some sports channel therapy. I’ve got to take a shower and finish my homework before I go to bed. We should play games again sometime. Next time, I’ll choose.”

“Sounds good, Bella.” He smiled. I smiled back and pulled my backpack over one shoulder. 

“And Bella?” he called right as I was at the bottom of the stairs. 

“Yeah?”

“Try not to traumatize me anymore.”

“I’ll do my best,” I assure him. _I’ll do my best._

By the time school rolled around the next day, I was well-rested and squeaky clean. Two of my all-time favorite things to be. Charlie dropped me off at school like he had the previous day, and I had thanked him with a smile. I was looking forward to the day, now that I knew I was safe from having to make big decisions for a week. 

I headed straight in to see Mrs. Cope. “Hello, I’ve arrived~” I sang as I opened the door. 

Mrs. Cope looked up from where she’d been squinting at her outdated computer. Or maybe it was new. I couldn’t even begin to guess since I was guessing internet explorer was still a hot topic in technology. 

She raised her red eyebrows at me. “Well, now, this is becoming a bit of a habit. Have you been sent here or did you come of your own accord?”

“I’m here to beg for mercy. Can you _please_ see if there’s anything you can do to get me into an AP art class? Do you have any of those? I can bring a miniature portfolio if you need one.”

She looked surprised. “I didn’t know you were an artist. Charlie’s never mentioned it before.”

Oh? “You guys talk a lot?” I asked. 

She nodded. “We always run into each other the diner for lunch hour.” She explained. “My husband and he like to talk sports and I like to talk about our kids.”

Never mind. “Gotcha. Well, I am an artist, and I’d love to get into a class. I didn’t realize Charlie wouldn’t ask for one when he signed me up.”

“Well, we don’t have AP classes,” she said slowly, rolling her chair over to grab some papers from the filing cabinet, but we do have an art class. I don’t think you ever took art in Phoenix, did you? Your transcript didn’t mention that.”

Shit. “It was extracurricular. I’ve mostly worked in charcoal ma’am.”

She nodded. “Okay, I’ll talk to Mr. Rodrigez and see if he has an opening.”

“Thank you! I’ve gotta run, but I’ll stop by before I leave to see if there’s any word.” I was backing up towards the door.

She chuckled and gave me a one-handed wave that looked suspiciously like shooing. “You do that, dear.”

I was out the door half a second later. Classes went as I expected them to go. The most notable event that took place that day was interacting with Jessica again. 

“Hi, Jessica.” I greeted with a smile as I sat down in the trigonometry classroom. 

She turned to face me from the next aisle over. “Hey,” she said hesitantly. 

“You any good at trig?” I asked, then gave her a sheepish smile. “I suck at it.”

She offered a small smile back, and her body language became more engaging. “I get by. I could help tutor you if you need help.”

That was so nice of her. “Actually, I’d really love that,” I replied enthusiastically. 

“Oh, really?”

Had she expected me to say no? Why was she stuttering a bit? “Unless you were just joking with me. Sorry, I don’t tend to understand humor well,” I offered her an easy out.

“No, it wasn’t a joke,” assured Jessica as she tucked her hair behind her ear. “I just didn’t know if you’d still want to, well, hang out after yesterday.”

My eyebrows furrowed. “Why?”

“You like, scolded me.” She huffed, slightly annoyed I wasn’t catching on faster. 

“Has no one ever done that before?” I asked though I felt like I already knew the answer. 

She gave me a look. “Not people my age. My parents, sure, but it’s different with you because you're like the same age as me.”

“Well…hmm.” I tried to find the right words to make her understand. “Let me put it this way. Friends look out for each other. When they do something they shouldn’t, they call each other out for it because it helps them grow as people.”

“So,” she paused, struggling to follow my thought process. “You’re saying you were looking out for me?”

“Yeah. Both Mrs. Cullen _and_ you. It wasn’t that you were intentionally hurting her, it was just that you didn’t know you _could_ be by talking about it. Now you know.”

“And I won’t do it again,” she assured me, then smiled. “So, you’re saying you want to be friends?”

“That’s exactly what I’m saying.” A stab of guilt went through me because I knew it wasn't for a completely altruistic purpose. I need Jessica for something, and she was the best candidate for the job. Even if I felt manipulative, I didn't rescind my words. It wasn't that I didn't want to be friends with her. I didn't feel one way or the other yet. At the moment, she was an asset; and I was sorely in need of assets. The guilt kept stabbing.

She looked back down at the compact mirror she was fixing her makeup in, but she was still smiling. “I’d like that.”

And that had been the closure for our conversation the previous day.

I didn’t speak to the Cullens. I hadn’t even looked in their direction; and when I’d finished biology, I didn’t mention his absence to anyone. Charlie picked me up after Gym and we went shopping for groceries so we could make food before we promptly went to the diner to eat dinner. If either of us found that humorous, we didn’t say it. 

After we’d arrived home, I offered to put the groceries away. He gave me an odd look when he caught me wiping everything we’d purchased down with an anti-bac wipe, but he kept his thoughts to himself. 

I had avoided the inevitable for too long, so I headed upstairs under the guise of beginning homework. But I wasn’t going to be doing homework. I needed to write out my thoughts and figure out what was going on. Yesterday’s stretching session had been a wake-up call to me, and it was time to deal with the panic and the ramifications of my discovery. I needed to compile all the information I had before I forgot any of it. Writing it down would give my brain a chance to work through different ideas at a faster, more focused rate as well. 

I pulled out the journal I'd purchased for this purpose and began writing down possibilities:

**_1\. There were complications with the surgery, and I am now in a coma in the hospital and have been for quite a while._ **

_Supporting_

  * _Logically, the most possible under my current understanding of science and the world._
  * _Would make sense, considering my last memory of being in my body was prepping for brain surgery._
  * Twilight is a very nostalgic series for me. It’s very familiar and safe, so on some level, it would make sense that I would try to find some sense of safety in the familiar. 



_Opposing_

  * _Dreams are not so tangible. It shouldn’t feel this real. I shouldn’t be able to interact with the world in the detail that I do. It’s too vivid._
  * _I have complete control over my mind and body. This is contrary to other dreams I’ve had._
  * Time here is not subjective. It’s very linear. There aren’t even any skips. I experience every single minute of every single day without time blurring at all.
  * _It is too consistent. My dreams usually change quickly, and the worldbuilding is never so precise._



**_2\. Bella Swan’s soul and my soul switched places._ **

_Supporting_

  * _I have been in Bella Swan’s body since November 26th, 2004. I have complete autonomy over it, there are no outside thoughts or influences inside of my head trying to respond to the world. I am alone in this body._



_Opposing_

  * _Bella Swan is a fictional character._
  * _Goes against my understanding of science and the world._



I paused then, not because I didn’t know what I was about to write, but because I didn’t _want_ to write it. Logically, I knew that it wouldn’t change anything if I put it on paper. It would make the scenario any more or less likely to be true. It was just my anxiety not wanting to be confronted with the possibility that the theory might have merrily. My pen sat there for a moment and the ink spread outwards from the nib a bit. Taking a deep breath, I carefully and slowly etched the words into the page.

**_3\. I died during surgery and somehow became Bella Swan._ **

I stared at the words, and they stared back at me. We sat in uncomfortable silence; me because my tongue felt leaden in my mouth and the ink because it couldn’t speak to me. I crossed it out quickly and wrote the next one. 

_Supporting_

  * _Brain surgery is dangerous, and the morbidity rate is never zero._
  * _Everything here feels very real. This body, this world, the people. They don’t seem like characters or a vague place I imagined. All the details are around me. Bookshelves holding books I haven’t read before, and some I’ve never heard of. Pictures I’ve never seen, but are obviously of Bella. All of these facts are unchanging._


  * It is consistent.



_Opposing_

  * _There is nothing to explain how I could have become Bella Swan. All that happened was a head trauma incident. Was nature trying to find balance or something?_
  * _Goes against my understanding of science and the world._



**_4\. I am somehow trapped inside the twilight books._ **

_Supporting_

  * _Would explain why things are so consistent and life-like here since the world would be bound to the plot._



_Opposing_

  * _There are things that the book never mentions that I can interact with and notice like furniture or the specific brand of fridge Charlie has._
  * _The characters are capable of acting outside of their script, as shown in my interaction with Jessica thus far. I will take note of how her character growth progresses in order to ascertain whether true change is possible for their characters. If it is, then it’s another point against this theory._
  * _How would this even happen?_



I couldn’t think of anymore theories for now, but I left a few blank pages between them and the next page I wrote on. When it came right down to it, I didn’t know anything for sure about my situation, but these were good theories to start. I may not know how I ended up here in Bella Swan’s body, but I knew quite a few things about the world and the characters. 

I spent the entire night writing down everything I remember happening from the books. Unfortunately, I wasn’t familiar enough with Breaking Dawn to write much about it other than Edward and Bella had amazing honeymoon sex and Bella got pregnant with a vampire/human baby that can survive off of either human food or blood. Oh, and that Jacob imprinted on her right after she was born. Not going to lie, hadn’t like that. No sir, that had been so many kinds of wrong. 

Oh yeah, and then the Volturi had been involved and in the battle, Carlisle had been killed but then it was revealed that it was just Alice’s vision and she was showing Aro how many valuable vampires would die or something. Or maybe Aro had died in the vision? Honestly could not tell you. Thankfully, I had consumed the first three books of twilight enough times to pretty much remember all the major plot points. I had all the confidence in the world that the entirety of Breaking Dawn would be inconsequential since I knew what a goddamn rubber was. It was unlikely I’d get to that plot point anyways. 

The character analyses were fun. I was good at them. 

**_Edward Cullen *or Mason?*:_ **

_Changed in 1912(?) by Carlisle when he was dying of the Spanish Influenza..._

I paused. “Oh he’ll be _so_ excited to hear about 2020.” I said sarcastically, just the thought of the pandemic making me want to laugh and cry at the same time. “Jesus Christ, if I had to live through that shit again, I swear to god—” I began muttering unintelligibly as I continued writing.

_Rebelled from ‘vegetarian’ lifestyle for a time *in the 20s???* and it has contributed to his defining personality traits: self-loathing, masochism (not the sexy way), blames himself whenever remotely possible, moody, mercurial mood changes, lonely, single AF. Has a lot of self-control. When he meets Bella he is overcome by the smell of her blood because she is his ‘singer’ as the Volturi put it. Later on, he often asks Bella to distract him when he is feeling particularly bloodthirsty. In their relationship, they didn’t start getting close to each other until Eclipse when they french kiss. Zero hanky panky until after they tie the knot._

I continued in this fashion until I’d outlined every single one of them. The wolves were a bit harder since I didn’t know exactly when they had all been triggered or what had done it. The Cullen’s hadn’t even been around when a bunch of them had changed, had it been Victoria? 

_Oh yeah, stay away from her._ I thought, quickly jotting that down on my to-do list. 

By the time dawn had arrived, I had almost filled three-quarters of the journal I’d been writing in. My hand felt like it had been run over by a scooter. My eyes were getting blurry, but I needed to focus. I needed to decide on a course of action. 

_This is a world filled with myth, monsters, and legend,_ I thought to myself, rubbing the page I was looking at between my fingers. _There has to be a way to reverse whatever happened to me._

There was a lot to consider. If it turned out that one of my other theories were correct, and I’d somehow died, would it even be possible? How would I know? What if I figured out how to hop back to my own world and found that my body was dead? Would my soul just reincarnate or disappear or go wherever souls go after they die?

_I think I need to start with some research. There’s a bookstore in Port Angeles that Bella goes to later on in the plot that has a lot of mystic-centered books, right? I could start there if the internet yields nothing._

But I knew that I wouldn’t find what I was looking for. It was naive to think that in a world of the supernatural, that I wouldn’t have to get involved with them in order to get what I wanted. And I wanted to go home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you are enjoying this story, please share wherever you can! I love to have new readers engage with me in my comment section. I reply to every comment I get. 
> 
> Don't forget to subscribe if you haven't already! I may have a special surprise coming up soon.......
> 
> Btw, in case any of you guys missed it in the prologue, OCs name is Hallan. I hope that clears up any confusion!


	6. Hello Darkness, My Old Friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: This chapter deals with some of our main character's depression. It's not anything super graphic, but I understand as a person with depression that it may be difficult for some readers to consume.

#  Chapter Five: Hello Darkness, My Old Friend 

It turned out that I had little time for research between school, homework, and Charlie. School took up a large portion of my day, and I found myself struggling to handle the workload. Gym and art turned out to be my favorite classes.

Coach Clapp kept true to his word and watched me stretch the first time I did it in class. He’d been impressed but mostly just disturbed. However, I’d always loved getting those sorts of reactions out of people. I supposed it came with the territory of being trained by a contortionist. Mostly, I stuck to basic stretches but modified them as I needed to in order to feel a stretch at all. Coach Clapp had left after I’d begun experimenting with backbends after clearing his throat and stating I was obviously experienced enough to let me do it on my own.

“Wow, Bella. You’re really flexible,” observed Mike, looking a little green behind the gills. “Where’d you learn how to do that?”

“I had a teacher,” I replied simply, pushing myself up into a bridge before I rose to a standing position. I rolled my shoulders and stretched my neck muscles as I walked towards the women’s locker room. “See you later, Mike.”

“Wait a second, Bella!” he called, jogging to catch up to me. 

I smoothed a hand over my hair before I pulled my ponytail into two sections and tightened it. “Yes?”

“I was wondering if you wanted to catch a movie together or something sometime,” he scratched the back of his head, looking sheepish.

_Woah, there, bud. You didn’t ask this early in the book. Why’d you have to go off script?!_

I reigned in my inner annoyance. Mike wasn’t a bad person. He was just a kid. The human equivalent of an untrained puppy. He just didn’t understand the signals I was putting out. I needed to let him down gently. I wasn’t a monster; I wouldn’t kick a puppy. “Sure. I’ll ask Angela, Jessica, and Ben. Who are you going to bring?”

He blinked, caught off guard. “Uh, well, I meant just the two of us…”

_Dammit. I was practically writing the signal on the wall._ Taking a breath, and turned so I was giving him my full attention. “That’s really nice of you to ask, Mike, but I’m not interested. Thank you anyway.”

If his crestfallen expression was any indication, I could guess he’d gotten the message this time. 

“But, hey, if you asked Jess, I know she would say yes,” I told him, earnestly. I really wasn’t interested in Mike, and I knew that the bubbly girl from my trig and Spanish classmate was.

“Jessica?” he asked, eyes rounding with disbelief.

I gave him a look. “You really didn’t know? She’s constantly initiating physical contact with you, always laughs at your jokes, and insists you sit next to her at lunch every day.” Really, how much clearer did the girl have to be?

Mike Newton was, in fact, in a very difficult part of adolescence. Old enough to know he was attracted to people, but not old enough or experienced enough to understand the signals they would give him in response. While I had no doubt he would learn to read them, he couldn’t right now. 

He looked a bit dumbstruck. “I didn’t…”

“Well, she hasn’t said it out loud to me or anything, so I’m speculating.” I clarified, just so there wasn’t any misunderstanding. “But the signals are there. You should go for it,” I said, encouragingly. 

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, Mike.”

He took a deep breath and made a troubled face, running a hand through his spiky blond hair. “Maybe another time.”

I felt bad. I’d probably just broken his heart a tiny bit. But at the same time, it was important he understood how to properly respond to rejection. It would serve him well as an adult. I hadn’t realized he was so interested. He hadn’t been this into Bella in the books. I wasn’t sure why, on my third day at school, he was suddenly ready to make a move. I would have to catalog that in my journal when I got home.

Waving, I began to walk backward. “See you around.”

“Yeah,” he replied, unhappily. 

He didn’t look at me as I pivoted and headed into the locker room. Jessica had tried to cheer him up at lunch. Both of them had gotten to the table before Angela or I had, so when I caught her eye, I gave her a wink and a thumbs up and then went to find Angela before she could sit down at their table. We sat on our own that day, enjoying each other’s company. 

Jess actively sought my company while she wasn’t trying to win over Mike. I enjoyed her bubbly optimism, even if I wasn’t sure how much of it was genuine and how much of it wasn’t. 

“Huh,” she said on Friday, staring across the cafeteria at where four Cullen’s sat with barely touched lunch trays. “Edward’s still gone. I wonder why?”

I glanced over too, more in reaction than anything else. None of them looked our way, and I was relieved that at least the Cullens were still on plotline, even if I was doing a royal job of fucking up Bella’s school life with my horrid grades and tendency to make friends. It was all so very un-Bella-like. 

“He seemed unwell on Monday when I had biology with him. He barely spoke to me. Maybe he’s out sick,” I suggested, pointing at the steamed cauliflower and smiling at the woman behind the counter. 

She turned to look at me with her eyes nearly bugging out of her head. “You spoke to Edward?” she demanded. 

“Correction, I spoke _at_ him.” My lips quirked slightly at the notion. I’d probably talked his ear off. “He only responded once, I think.”

She calmed after that, smiling. “Sounds like him. When did you have a chance to talk to him?” she wondered, choosing an apple juice from the ice-filled metal tray. 

“Before Mr. Banner began the lecture. We sit next to each other, so I thought I’d introduce myself.”

“You’re his lab partner?”

I wasn’t sure why she sounded surprised. “Unfortunately for him,” I affirmed, snorting and grabbing a cup of apple slices from a tray at the end of the counter. “I warned him upfront that I was trash at biology.”

She must have found the answer satisfying enough because she let out a little giggle and changed the subject. “Word is, you’re not much better at your other subjects either.”

I tilted my head. “That’s fair. I do well in Gym and Art, though, so at least there’s that.”

Of course, that prompted a conversation about Jessica’s most favorite and most hated classes, and the conversation ended without much fuss. Angela and I were invited over to her house later that day to do homework, so I _phoned_ the station and let Charlie know. While I was in the office, Mrs. Cope let me know that Mr. Rodriguez was willing to let me into his class last-minute starting tomorrow, provided that I bring in some of my best pieces so he can get an idea of my current level. 

“I don’t have my best work with me,” I let her know. “My larger pieces are eighteen-by-twenty-four, and so I left them in Arizona. 

The red-headed woman nodded. “I’m sure he’ll understand. Just bring your favorite sketchbook and the best pieces you have with you. The class is an extracurricular, so it will be after Gym in building seven.”

I thanked her and hurried outside to hop into Angela’s car. She drove us to Jessica’s house and we shared a friendly conversation on the way about our current interests. Jessica had everything set up when we got there. Snacks and drinks were spread across the table along with a few paper plates. She said homework was no fun without them. I had to agree, it did make homework a bit more appealing. They were nice enough to help me out with some of the trig formulas I was having a hard time with, and Jessica’s mom, who was fluent in Spanish, corrected our pronunciation. I was impressed she didn’t wince when she had to hear mine. 

I’d been homeschooled and my parents had followed a unique curriculum. My chosen high school language had been German, even though I didn’t remember a single word of it now. I’d never gone past Algebra because of my health issues, and it had been a small miracle that I’d been able to graduate at all, but I’d done so with almost full marks throughout high school. So all of these subjects were completely foreign to me, and I had to confess I was having a difficult time with them. I was grateful for all their help. 

Later that evening when I’d been dropped off at home by Angela, I was surprised to see Charlie glaring at me, arms crossed over his chest from the entryway. I toed off my shoes and hung up my coat on a peg.

“It wasn’t me,” I said immediately, not sure what I was in trouble for. 

He tapped his foot, jaw clenched. 

“I want a lawyer?” I tried. 

He still didn’t crack a grin. 

“Innocent until proven guilty?” 

His agitated face only tensed. I knew when he took a deep breath that I was in for it. “Isabella Marie Swan,” he began, voice low. “Your mother has been emailing you since _Monday_ and you haven’t responded once. Care to explain yourself?”

Email? OH _._ Right. Renee had done that in the book, hadn’t she? I had completely forgotten about it. “I haven’t checked my email,” I confessed. 

“She’s about five minutes away from buying a plane ticket here.”

Well, that was one way to keep me from procrastinating. I sped into the kitchen, sliding to a stop in front of the phone. I looked at it helpfully. “Hey, how does this thing work?” I called urgently. 

“It’s a phone, Bella, just dial.”

“Dial what?” I demanded. 

Charlie rattled off the number for me and the phone began to make its little ringing sound to let me know it was calling. _Jeez,_ I thought as I waited. _This is bad for my heart!_

The phone clicked. “Bella?” Renee asked, sounding panicky. 

“Hey, it’s me. Sorry I didn’t get your emails, I—”

“Isabella Marie Swan!” she shouted down the line. 

I winced. 

“I have been emailing and emailing you and you haven’t responded _once._ I even called the house a few times, but no one picked up!”

Oh yeah. I had heard the phone ringing a few times. But this home phone didn’t have any caller ID, and there were never any messages as far as I could tell. “Sorry,” I hurried to say. “I didn’t know it was you!”

She huffed, still sounding angry. “And who else could it be?”

“One of Charlie’s friends, maybe a telemarketer?” I tried. I could tell she was about to start yelling again so I continued. “I don’t pick up the phone unless I know who it is!”

“And who would you know who it is if you didn’t pick up the phone?!”

“Caller ID? Voicemail?”

“That phone doesn’t have either of those functions,” she fumed. I was guessing she knew because it was probably the same phone that had been in this house since before she left. 

I had never heard Renee so angry before, either in the book or the movies, or my experiences with her up to this point. 

“I’m sorry,” I said, much more quietly, because I meant it and I wanted her to know it. 

She took a deep breath. “I’m worried about you, Bella,” she said on an exhale.

“You don’t need to worry. I’m making friends, staying in school,” I supplied. “Hanging out with the chief…”

“Bella, have you gotten your head checked out yet?”

A little ball of fear began in the tips of my stomach and the back of my head felt warm with the beginnings of panic. “Not that I need to be checked out, but Charlie and I had plans to see a doctor here at the Forks hospital.”

“When?”

I winced because I knew she wouldn’t like the answer. “We don’t have it scheduled yet,” I told her before I hurried to explain. “I told him I didn’t want to do it this week. I just want to get settled in and see how things go.”

She was silent on the line for a few seconds. Then I heard sniffling. “You’re scaring me, Bella. I barely recognize you.”

I closed my eyes tight and leaned my forehead against the wall, rolling it back and forth there to ease the pressure headache building up. “I’m sorry,” I whispered. 

“Your memory is all spotty even if you try to hide it, sometimes you switch words round in your sentences, and you haven’t called me ‘mom’ since it happened,” she said on a sob. 

My heart was in my throat as I sank to the floor and curled up there. “I’m sorry. It’s going to be okay. I’m going to make everything better,” I soothed her; because it was the best I could do when my own eyes were watering. 

“How?” she demanded. “How can you make this better? Something’s _wrong,_ Bella, I know we both know it. I just don’t understand why you aren’t talking to me about it!”

Bella had described her mother as her best friend. Of course, Renee would be confused. She had never behaved this way in the book because Bella had never done this to her, not even after Edward had left her. This was different because she could recognize something fundamentally wrong with my brain. I took a deep, shuddering breath, not sure what to say next. “I don’t know how to make it right,” I whispered truthfully. I didn’t know how to make Bella come back or how to get back to my own body.

“Go. To. A. Doctor.” Renee annunciated, slapping the top of her thigh with each word. “I swear I’ll have you admitted if you don’t,” she threatened. “I just want my Bella back, honey!”

I nodded, even as fear built inside of me. “I promise I will.”

“You’d better. And I want a call or email from you at least twice a week. Let me know when your appointment is scheduled.”

“Okay,” I whispered. “I will.”

Then I disconnected the phone because My silent tears were starting to become vocal ones. I sat there for a long moment and held my knees to my chest. If there had been one thing I’d been able to relate to about Bella, it had been how broken she’d felt in New Moon. She’d always held herself together this way because if she didn’t, she knew she would fly apart in a million pieces. 

“I’ll take a wild guess and say you don’t want to talk about it.” Charlie’s voice came from the doorway behind me. 

“You’d be right,” I said, quickly wiping my tears away with my sleeves. 

“Want a beer?” he offered. 

I cracked a small smile as I turned to him. “You encouraging underaged drinking, chief?”

“I’m your guardian and this is your home so this is legal.” He opened the fridge and popped the cap. It looked like it had steam coming out of the top. He offered me a hand and pulled me up before setting the beer on the table and motioning me to sit.

We had a good night, that night. Charlie had to smirk every time I tried to take a sip of the beer because I couldn’t help making faces that ranged somewhere between disgust and dislike. 

We opened the back door and dragged our chairs in front of it, listening to the rain and breathing in the crisp air of early spring. We didn’t talk much, but we didn’t need to; I think Charlie knew that’s what I needed in that moment. 

I barely slept a wink that night. I spent almost the entire time drawing. I was back to filling my sketchbook pages with self-portraits. I had to remember who I was. It was too easy to get caught up in Bella’s life and in living in her healthy body. 

The depression made it easy to wonder why I even wanted to go back. Hadn’t I said it enough to my parents?

_“I don’t want to be in my body anymore,” I’d sobbed, curling up against my dad. My pain medication wasn’t working again._

_“Hang in there, Hallan,” he’d soothed, rubbing my back. “Just remember what you’re fighting for.”_

But I hadn’t had the heart to tell him that I didn’t know if I was fighting for anything at all. I was just trying to survive each day. I didn’t know what I wanted right now. I was all jumbled up and confused. I’d cried late into the night until there had been no tears, and all that remained were just gasping dry sobs that I tried to muffle in one of my pillows. 

I woke up after about an hour of sleep because I needed to get up and start getting ready for school. I knew I couldn’t keep going like this. I was not fueling myself enough to keep up with school, friends, home, and emotional trauma. Maybe I really should get to a doctor soon. I would approach dad about it today, maybe. 

I showered, dressed, and applied my make up more heavily than I usually did. I winced when I saw the mirror. Bella’s face was going to start looking as haggard as mine if I wasn’t careful with it. I concealed the dark rings beneath her eyes and put foundation on top of that, something I didn’t usually use. I chose my favorite pieces. One self-portrait, a landscape, and one that was a large detailed medieval monogram with the number ‘13’ on it that was done in greens and golds. 

Charlie took me to the diner for breakfast, and I tossed back three cups of coffee like it was alcohol. He watched me with a frown but didn’t say anything. When he dropped me off at school, we’d both been quiet. 

“You sure you feel well enough to go today?” he wanted to know. 

I gave him a tired smile. “No. Not really. But I do want to get into that art class. The coffee helped.”

“I think…” he began, shifting in his seat with discomfiture. “We should call that doctor, Bella.”

My hand tightened on the car door. “I don’t want to be admitted,” I told him quietly. 

He sighed, and it sounded like he was running a hand through his hair. “Neither do I, Bella. But we need to make sure you’re okay. Renee and I had a long conversation last night. We’re worried about lasting damage. You’ll probably need to get some images done.”

I let out a breath. MRIs? CT scans? That I could do. God knew I’d done enough of them not to be afraid of them anymore. But being admitted? That was a long time fear of mine, and I didn’t want to find myself in that situation. I had to remember that Bella was a minor. She didn’t have the same autonomy as an adult. All I could do was show the doctors that I was as functional and sane as I possibly could. 

“Would you just give me a bit more time?” I requested quietly. I didn’t want to start going down this road again. I was terrified. 

In the books, Bella had been fine. She hadn’t had to go to the hospital except in case of circumstantial injury. This was something else. 

“I’ll hold your mom off for as long as I can,” he agreed. “I see how upset you are about this. But don’t you think it’s for the best?”

I shook my head. “I absolutely do not. Hospitals are only helpful when it comes to trauma, not on-going care. It’s just a cycle,” I ranted. “Your general practitioner tells you to go to the hospital, you go to the hospital and they do tests, and then they tell you to go to your general practitioner. They’re great if you have a broken arm or a brain tumor or something, but if you’re dealing with anything more permanent, you're fresh out of luck.”

“You think it’s that serious?” Charlie asked, alarmed. 

I closed my eyes tightly before I turned back to meet his gaze. “No, chief, no. That’s not what I meant. I just hate hospitals is all.”

“I don’t think anyone _likes_ hospitals,” he muttered. “But sometimes you just have to suck it up.”

“Just a little while longer.” _Let me have this a little while longer._

“Alright, Bells, but the second you start going downhill, I’m calling Carlisle.”

“Thanks, chief.” I gave him my best smile before I climbed out of the car. 

That day, I got in trouble for sleeping in two of my classes. I’d been embarrassed about falling asleep, and Bella’s face didn’t hide her blush at all. My classmates had thought it was funny and teased me good-naturedly afterward. 

Jess had been a bit more reserved, biting her lip and frowning. Was she upset about Mike? But that didn’t seem to be the case. I bullshitted my way through Gym because frankly, I just didn’t have the energy. I was great at blending in with the groups, the problem was when I began to fall behind. I pretty much had no stamina, especially when it came to running and jumping. Computer programs were the only things I ran and the only jumping I did was from plot bunny to plot bunny, so Coach Clapp was fresh out of luck. 

By the time it was time for art class, I was dead on my feet. The art room was filled with supplies. I could smell them. The paints and the charcoal and the rubber erasers. I took a deep breath as I walked in. There were easels set up in various places around the room, seeming to be grouped together with no rhyme or reason. Maybe Mr. Rodriguez encouraged his students to work with their friends? 

I only saw one easel standing away from the rest. It must be unused. I walked over to it and set down my backpack against the wall next to it. Mr. Rodriguez spotted me and motioned me over with a smile. 

“You must be Bella Swan,” he greeted, clasping my offered hand. He was a smaller, stocky man. He wore charcoal stained plaid and had dark skin that held the patterns of the tales he had lived through to tell. I liked him immediately. 

“That I am,” I returned his friendly smile. “I brought samples of my work. Mrs. Cope said to bring in my best pieces, but all my favorites are back in Arizona because of how large they are.”

“How large?” he wondered. 

“Oh, nothing huge,” I waved away the notion. “Just a standard eighteen-by-twenty-four.” 

He nodded. “Medium?”

“Charcoal.”

“That’s good news. That’s what we’re working with currently. What is the longest you’ve taken on a project before, Ms. Swan?”

I thought about it. “Fifty-three?” I squinted. “Yeah, I think that’s right.”

“Minutes?”

My eyes widened. “Uh...no…?”

“Hours.” He concluded, jotting that down on his notebook without any fanfare. I appreciated it. I didn’t have any proof to back up my claim since the art I was talking about didn’t exist in this world, so if asked to provide proof, I would be in a lot of trouble. “And how long have you been doing art?”

“Most consistently for the last two years, but I had waxing and waning interest in it up to that point.”

“Well, I look forward to seeing what you bring to critique,” he smiled again. “Let’s get you an easel.”

“Oh,” I glanced back towards the one that had been alone. “I’d just assumed that one was unused.”

My eyes caught on a pair of golden ones and I sucked in a breath. _Alice._

“Ah,” I started forward to grab my bag. “Sorry about that. I didn’t realize this easel was taken.”

She was looking at me with interest in her curious golden eyes. I was immediately struck with how much knowledge they held within them. They seemed fathomless to me. Like dark liquid pools of gold. She must have hunted that morning, but something told me she always gave off this impression.

“You don’t need to apologize,” she replied brightly. “No harm done! You must be Bella Swan! I've been so excited to meet you.”

“Ah, thanks,” I smiled hesitantly. Usually, I was the one carrying the conversation. I was tired just thinking about all the friendships I'd felt I'd had to carry the responsibility for. 

I felt the tiredness that had clung to me for the past twenty hours fade, replaced by energy. I looked around suspiciously. I just _knew_ that had to be Jasper. I didn't see him anywhere. Alice tilted her head and watched me carefully. I wondered if the Cullen's were suspicious or worried about me. What had Edward told them? Had they been more observant than they wanted me to believe? Damn vampiric hearing. 

“Why don’t you put your easel next to mine?” she suggested, sounding a bit eager.

_That’s right,_ I thought. _In the books, Alice knew she and Bella would become friends long before anyone else knew. Did she know this early? I don’t remember._

Deciding that I needed to stick by the plot as closely as possible in this new unknown situation, I agreed readily. “I’ll do that, thank you.”

Mr. Rodgriguez chose that moment to return. I hadn’t even realized the short, dark-haired man had left. I thanks him before I placed my easel so that the light from the windows would hit it and so that I had a good view of Alice beside me so we wouldn’t have to crane our necks. I listened to the rain tap against the glass behind me while I unzipped my bag.

“What’s your favorite medium?” she asked me as I dug through my bag to retrieve my willow vine charcoal. 

“I like charcoal, especially soft kinds. It’s so malleable and forgiving.” I replied with a shrug. “Trust me when I say I can use the extra grace. What about you?”

“I like anything!” she chirped, pulling out her own box of charcoal. “So, you seem to be liking Forks so far; have you made many friends?”

I struggled for a moment with how to answer. I wasn’t sure that I would quite call Angela or Jessica a ‘friend’ yet simply because I didn’t know them well enough. “I’ve met a few people I could see myself becoming closer to,” I said instead. 

I should have expected that Alice would read between the lines. “Hmm, is that so?” she murmured. “Well, I’m confident we’re going to become good friends, Bella!”

“That would be great! So how long have you been in Forks?” I asked. 

“About two years,” she said flippantly. “I guess it's not a surprise you know we’re not from here. People talk a lot.”

“Small town,” I said knowingly. “But I didn’t hear it from anyone. You and your family just seem to operate at a different level than the locals. You can kind of tell who is and who isn’t just based off of how they group up.”

She nodded sagely. “Like knows like.”

“Or familiarity is safe.” I countered. 

“That’s very true.”

Alice really was a sight to behold. She was tiny in stature, but she made up for it with the volume of her hair and the size of her personality. I liked her immediately. She’s always been one of my favorite characters in the books, both because of her past and because of the person who she had become. I liked that she looked on the bright side of things and I tried to emulate that quality whenever I could. It was my exhaustion causing my lack of energy and excitement. 

The class started. It was all about value and shading. I was disappointed. I had already been through this many times before. Alice gave me a sympathetic look as if she knew what I was thinking, and I had found comfort in knowing that it probably wasn’t the first time that she had been through it either. 

“How many advanced art students do you think Mr. Rodriguez would have to have in order to create an AP class?” I spoke under my breath to Alice because I knew she could hear me. 

“Hmm, five? Ten? I’m not sure. What kind of art would you rather be doing?”

“At least _application_ of fundamentals,” I replied. “I want to test the boundaries of my creativity and capability. If I stay in my comfort zone for too long, I tend to get stuck there.”

She looked a bit troubled and thoughtful. “That’s true.”

“Hey, are you okay?” I asked, turning to face her. Was she thirsty? No, that could be right. She looked like she’d just hunted either the previous night or early that morning. Was it a vision?

Her gaze found mine and she smiled. “I was just thinking about how ‘stuck’ people can get.”

“Well, I have no room to criticize,” I murmured, thinking of how unlikely I became to leave my room after I’d become bedridden. By the time I had gone off for the surgery that had led me into this situation, I had only left my room to make use of the restroom or to go to doctor’s appointments when they couldn’t be done online over telemed. If Alice caught onto my weird mood, she didn’t mention it. 

“Thanks for inviting me to draw next to you,” I said as I packed up at the end of class. I offered her a smile in silent apology for how strange I was acting.

“It was my pleasure!” 

“Hopefully I’ll be better company tomorrow.”

“Were you ‘bad company’?” she asked, seeming to be honestly curious. 

I tilted my head from side to side to crack it. “I generally have a lot more energy and humor to offer any given situation,” I told her. “But I didn’t sleep well last night so I ended up drinking coffee this morning. It wore off sometimes in Biology.”

“Adjusting to a new place takes time,” she patted my shoulder with an ice-cold hand. 

_If only she knew the half of it._

“Thanks, Alice,” I smiled. “I really appreciate it.”

“Anytime!” she sang, eyes seeming to be bright with excitement.

Her usual cheerfulness was back. I would have to take care in the future to stick to lighter topics. Alice was a rather happy character, and I wouldn’t want to mess that up with all my gloominess. Sleep would help. I always performed better when I slept. I was thankful that night when my head hit the pillow because I knew that I would sleep deeply that night. 

I was just about to succumb to slumber when I remembered something. _Alice never told me her name, and I used it in conversation with her._ But for once, exhaustion overrode panic, and the darkness of sleep welcomed me like an old friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your continued support! Please remember to subscribe if you want to see more and leave a comment to tell me what you think! Bookmarks are also helpful because they boost my stats. Did you know some people sort by stats like that to find well-liked stories? I had no idea until my friend told me she did. 
> 
> Just a note, this story is edited by my dear friend Grammarly and myself, but we miss things sometimes! If you find any typos, please let me know in your comment and I will correct the immediately! Thank you in advance!


	7. Running With the Wolves

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back, everyone! At first, I thought I was going to miss a day, but because of my weird sleeping schedule, I'm actually publishing early. Not quite sure how that happened, but you won't see me complaining!
> 
> Just a quick notice, I won't be able to keep up this pace forever. This is the fastest I've ever grown a story before, and 5k+ words per/day is a lot to keep up with. I have health issues, much like our dear Hallan, so if I take longer to update, that's why.

#  Chapter Six: Running With the Wolves 

I was lulled awake to the gentle sound of the rain on my window and on the roof. I let myself stare off into space for a little while, just enjoying the early morning light. I was usually up by this time, either because I had slept for a few hours earlier in the night, or I hadn’t gone to sleep at all. 

I felt refreshed. More so than I’d been for a while. Forks was a beautiful place, but the stress of my situation was draining me. Edward would be back on Monday, and if all went according to the plot, he would begin initiating conversation with me. 

I rolled out of bed lazily and headed for the bathroom, a robe and a fresh towel in hand. I hadn’t had the energy to take a shower the previous night, and it was the longest I’d had between showers since I arrived in Bella’s body. I took extra care of myself today because self-care reminded me that I was worth the effort. 

Charlie banged on the bathroom door. “You alive in there?” he called, sounding put out. 

“Uh, yeah, sorry!” I responded, scrambling to finish cleaning up my mess. I opened the door and looked at him, chagrined. “I didn’t realize I’d been in there so long.”

“Two hours.” He grumped. “What did you even do?”

“Shaved, exfoliated, moisturized, makeup, hair, and shower. Not in that order.” I replied. 

He looked at me suspiciously. “Who are you dressing up for?”

That earned him an unimpressed look from me. “Myself.”

He grumbled but went into the steam-filled bathroom after I left it. I decided to dress in black today and accent it with dark green, not unlike the shade outside my window. I nodded at my reflection in approval. 

Friday was better than the day before. Not my classes, of course, but my energy was better and so was my mood. True to my word, Alice and I had much more interesting things to talk about when we were in class together. I was glad Mr. Rodriguez let everyone talk as long as they were productive. 

Alice told me about her interest in fashion and I told her about my desire to someday make my own clothes since I wanted to wear things that couldn’t be found in a department store. She’d nodded because she completely understood. 

“Trends are so tricky,” she complained with a pout. 

“Honestly, I don’t even pay attention to them. I have no idea what’s in style. Blue eyeshadow maybe?” 

Alice tilted her head back and forth. “Maybe? Really choppy haircuts seem to be in vogue as well.”

“Like yours?” I teased her, flicking one of her short locks with my pointer finger. 

“Excuse you,” she sat up taller, putting on what I assumed was her best pompous facade. “My hair never goes out of fashion.”

“You could make anything work,” I agreed with her.

She grinned back, and I wondered if she had forgotten not to grin so toothily. Either way, I didn’t mind. I liked her best when she forgot about our differences because it wasn’t as much fun when one of us had to walk on eggshells with the other.

If Alice had thought it odd that I had known her name yesterday even though I was sure she hadn’t divulged it to me, she didn’t show it. It helped me to relax and really enjoy our time together. If I had to guess, I’d say she’d probably assumed I’d heard it during some gossip or something. So I set aside the worry and spent my time with her without that particular fear, but the anxiety remained at the back of my brain in the form of a small quiet reminder to be cautious.

We discussed many topics. She had so much knowledge that I felt a bit like a simpleton speaking to her at times. I was grateful my interests were diverse enough that they could be used as reference in our conversations. Color psychology, architecture, the evolution of the silhouette throughout the history of fashion--she was so well-rounded and cultured it was unreasonable! And I loved it. The challenge to contribute meaningfully to the conversation was one I welcomed with open and excited arms. She fed off my energy and seemed to get even more bubbly and excitable if that were possible. 

We parted reluctantly but did manage it in the end even if we were half an hour late to leaving school grounds. Jasper was the only one still waiting for her in the parking lot. He gave her an indulgent smile that turned soft as she danced into his arms. 

“Bella, come meet my Forever,” she called to me, waving enthusiastically. 

I smiled as I approached. “Hi, there.” I held out my hand for him to shake.

Nodding, the blond man took my hand and shook it. “Hello, Bella. I’m Jasper Hale.”

“It’s good to finally meet you,” I told him, retracting my hand. “Sorry for keeping her so late; I guess I lost track of time.” I laughed at myself a little. I had a habit of doing that. I loved talking with interesting people, and Alice Cullen was definitely someone who fell into that category. 

“No need to apologize, ma’am. Looks like she enjoyed herself,” he hugged the bouncy little pixie just a bit more tightly. 

“We both did,” I assured him. 

Alice twisted around in Jasper’s arms so she was facing me. “Let’s do it again, okay, Bella?”

“Wouldn’t miss it!” I replied.

Alice’s eyes glazed over for a moment. “Do you have a ride home?” she asked me. 

“I’m walking today.”

“Nonsense,” said Alice, putting her hands on her hips, looking ready to put her foot down if I dared to argue. 

Jasper interjected smoothly. “We’ll drop you off. It’ll be no trouble.”

I took them up on their ‘offer’. Not that I’d have minded walking, but they seemed insistent. I wondered what she’d seen to make her so. When we arrived, I thanked them and promised Alice that I would see her on Monday before I bid them both goodbye and disappeared into the house. 

Since Charlie wouldn’t be home until later that evening, I had a small window of time to do what I needed to. The salt was easy enough to find in the kitchen cabinet, and looking inside the box, I figured I would have enough for my task. The tools I was looking for were easy enough to find in the garage. I sang myself a happy little song as I skipped up the stairs and into my room. I went straight to the window. 

_BANG, BANG, BANG!_

The hammer was so noisy. But this was a necessary evil of the task. 

_BANG, BANG, BANG!_

I repeated it all across the bottom and sides my window. Standing back, I wiped a bit of sweat from my brow with my sleeve and nodded in approval at the long line of nails attaching the window to the sill beneath.

“Almost done,” I murmured to myself, taking out the salt and making an unbroken line across it, guiding it with one hand. Salt wouldn’t keep vampires out, and to be honest, I was mostly putting it there for my own personal amusement. But I also looked forward to the look of consternation on his face when he would undoubtedly ask me about it later.

I was under no illusions that the nails would keep Edward out if he had a mind to get in, but he would be unable to do so noiselessly. He'd eighter break the window or break the nails. He should at least get the picture that unwelcomed guests were not appreciated. I may be living in the twilight saga, but I wasn’t about to put up with the kind of shit Bella did.

_Bella, ‘B’ is for boundaries,_ I thought sarcastically. I wasn't sure why that thought sounded like Siri, but I wasn't going to think about it too deeply.

I remembered when I was younger and thus infinitely more impressionable, I’d thought it was romantic, even exciting, just like Bella had, but being older gave me some more perspective, and having a hundred-and-twelve-year-old man staring at you while you sleep was just not _it_. Bella hadn’t even known that he was doing it.

_‘C’ is for consent._

Smirking, I continued aloud. “And ‘D’ if for ‘deadass if you think it's okay to creep on me I’ll make your life a living hell’.”

I hefted the hammer threateningly, even though no one was there to see as I contemplated exactly how I would do it. Set a fashion trend at school for the girls to wear an excess of body perfumes? No, that would punish the rest of them. Maybe I could just spritz it directly on his nose. Perhaps I could get 'It's a Small, Small, World After All' stuck in everyone's head? Or maybe convince the drama club to do Dracula for their next play. There really were so many options. I was sure I could come up with more if I thought about it. I would write them down later to use for reference. 

I stepped back and looked at my handiwork, laughing. What a ridiculous situation! 

Sure that Charlie wouldn’t miss the hideous old curtains in the garage window, I grabbed them and threw them in the washer before I set about removing the useless yellowed lace ones that had been here for who knows how long. An hour and a half later and my room was completely private. Or rather, as private as it could be, considering the circumstances. 

I heard Charlie’s cruiser pull up, the wheels kicking up water on the road. The street we lived on didn’t have much traffic as far as I could tell, which was a far cry from my home with my parents in Portland. We didn't live in the main city area, we were more on the outskirts; but the road our house was next to was really close to a community college, so we got a decent amount of traffic coming through, especially if people didn't want to use the freeway. which I could also hear from my house.

“Bells?” he called when he entered. 

“I’m upstairs!”

“You hungry? I brought food from the diner.”

I walked to the top of the stairs and huffed a laugh. “Chief, you know the point of buying food at the grocery store is to make it into meals so you don’t _have_ to eat out, right?”

He shrugged. “Do _you_ feel like cooking?”

He had me there. “Touche.”

“I brought you chicken tenders with honey mustard since you were looking at that on the menu last time,” he gestured with the white carryout bag hanging from one hand. 

“Thanks. Let me wash up and I’ll be right down.”

I hurried into the bathroom and scrubbed the metallic scent from the hammer and nails off my skin before shutting the water off and traipsing down the stairs. 

“How was school?” he asked, distracted by getting the food out of the plastic bags and onto the table. 

“It was good,” I told him as I sat. “I didn’t end up walking home like I told you I would, though. Someone offered to drive me and it seemed easier than arguing about it with them.”

Charlie’s head whipped up. “You go into some stranger’s car?” he demanded. 

Squinting at him, I tilted my head and replied, voice dry. “That is _not_ what I said, but that’s an interesting leap of assumption you made there, chief.”

He straightened to his full height and crossed his arms over his chest, waiting with an expectant look on his face. 

I shouldn’t have laughed. “You look so serious! Do you honestly think I’d get into just anyone’s car? I’ve been spending time at school with a girl named Alice Cullen. She’s in my art class, and our easels are next to each other. When she saw I was planning to walk home, she offered to drop me off here with her car instead.” I had a feels telling him Jasper was there too wouldn't go over well.

Charlie relaxed and his arms fell back down to his sides. “Oh, a girl,” he muttered, relieved. 

I raised my eyebrows at him leaving a small pause before speaking. “There are so many things wrong with that mentality, I don’t even know where to start.”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” he retorted, opening his take away box and sitting down across from me. “It’s just that girls are less likely to.”

I rubbed my temples. “I hear what you’re saying, I just don’t think _you_ hear what you sound like. You can’t assume every guy I come in contact with is automatically a predator. Trust me when I say I do that enough in my head. I don’t need externally from you too. And by the same token, you can’t assume that just because someone has a vagina means they’re automatically a safe and trustworthy person.”

Charlie coughed loudly, I assume to get me to stop talking. “Just be careful,” he ordered. 

“I honestly don’t think I’m capable of being anything but paranoid, so no need to worry; my anxiety’s got this in the bag.”

“So hanging out with a Cullen, huh?” he changed the subject as he stuffed a fry into his mouth. 

“Yup. She’s hella cute but also hella taken.”

This time, Charlie really did choke. I stood up and patted his upper back firmly until he stopped.

“Goddammit, Bella, don’t joke like that when I’m trying to eat!” he growled, taking a swig of the soft drink he’d gotten with his meal. 

“Sure, chief.” I smirked, sitting back down and eating. Joking. Right. “I forget, do you know the Cullens?”

“Sure do. Dr. Cullen’s a great man. He's the doctor I want you to see.”

“It’s good to hear you say that. I get the impression that not everyone likes them.”

Charlie put his drink back down on the table, looking frustrated. “People in this town,” he muttered. “Dr. Cullen is a brilliant surgeon who could work in any hospital he wanted and probably make ten-times the salary he does here! We’re lucky to have him in our community! People worried about his foster kids, I did too! But they haven’t been any trouble for anyone and they stick together like a family should. Just because they’re newcomers, people have to talk.”

I took a sip of my water before I set it on the table in front of me, staring at it. “People demonize what they don’t understand, chief. That’s why things like ableism, homophobia, and other intolerances exist. It can be worse in small towns because they’re more insular communities than larger cities are, so they don’t see as many types of people, religions, couples, or whatever it may be.” Now that I was going, it was hard to stop. “And minorities know this, so they may tend to avoid living in small towns because of it. It’s a never-ending cycle of fear built upon ignorance built upon an unwillingness to understand built upon an unwillingness to take the risk to try to make them understand…” Suddenly, I didn’t feel like I was talking about the Cullen’s anymore, so I hurried to get the conversation back on track. “I bet that’s why the Cullen kids don’t really talk to anyone at school.”

Charlie was just looking at me speculatively. “You got something you're trying to tell me, Bella?”

I glanced up at him, keeping my face relaxed. “No, why?” _Shit...I keep forgetting. Bella's body, Bella's life, Bella's body, Bella's life,_ I intoned inwardly. 

He stared at me for a few more moments before he nodded. “Okay then.” He allowed me to change the subject. “I think you’re probably right. Though, their attractiveness probably alienates them from the student body more than anything else.”

I snorted. “The rest of us are trying to figure out how to ward off the pimples while the Cullen’s are busy looking like greek gods in the flesh.”

“You should see the doctor,” Charlie said, laughing. “It’s a good thing he’s happily married, although I hear that it doesn’t always keep the nurses from trying to persuade him otherwise.”

“Poor Dr. Cullen,” I sympathized, chuckling. “Or maybe poor Ms. Esme.”

He nodded in agreement. “Not sure how she handles it.”

“If I had to guess, with a lot of grace and compassion to all parties involved.”

“Hey, speaking of parties, I was thinking we’d go out to La Push tomorrow.”

“For a party?” I raised a brow. That hadn’t been in a book. “I don’t really know anyone there. I’m not sure I’m invited.”

He waved that off. “It’s a casual thing. Just a potluck and some games outside for the kids while the adults watch the game. I hadn’t planned on going since I didn’t know how you’d be adjusting to Forks, but I was wondering if maybe you’d like to?”

My heart hurt a little for Charlie in that moment. I wondered what other things he had given up for Bella that she hadn’t noticed in the books. If there was one thing that I knew for sure that I wanted to do while I was here, it was to give Charlie a lot of good memories with his daughter. 

“I’d love to.”

His eyes lit up. “That’s great, Bells! I’ll call Billy after dinner and let him know we’ll be coming.”

Charlie’s good mood extended well into the next day. He drove us out to La Push, commenting on the nice weather. It was cloudy, but it wasn’t raining. It would be fine to play outside, even if the ground would be a little wet. 

We pulled up in front of the Black’s small house and parked in the line of cars off to the side. I could see that there were folding tables with tablecloths and a few crockpots on them. 

“Jesus, this takes me back,” I said to myself as I got out of the car. I’d gone to so many ‘parties’ like this one, but they had been called ‘gatherings’. Gatherings usually took place at someone’s house and usually involved a potluck dinner, bible study, and if the kids were lucky, some time to play games outside. 

This was not a gathering, and I needed to make sure I understood the distinction. I didn’t want to accidentally find myself paralyzed with old, unpleasant memories. That could take a few long weeks to get out of, and my therapist wasn’t here to help. 

_No pressure, no guilt, no fear._ I told myself, repeating the mantra she and I had worked on together. This and that were not the same. 

A group of teenagers were roughhousing in the side yard cheering and goading each other on. There were kids running around playing what looked to be tag, and one or two adults were here and there, supervising to make sure no one got damaged beyond light repair. They all looked like they were having a blast. 

“Hey Charlie!” a warm, boyish voice called. 

My eyes tracked a kid a bit shorter than Bella as he ran up to the chief, long black hair snapping in the wind behind him. Damn, he was fast! He came to a stop before him with a huge grin. 

“Billy didn’t tell me you were going to make it,” he said excitedly. 

Charlie ruffled his hair. “Bella is adjusting much better than I thought she would, so we ended up coming. I called Billy late last night to let him know.”

“Oh, that would be why,” the boy nodded. “I was at Embry’s with Quil for the night.”

“Staying out of trouble, I hope.” Charlie raised a suspicious eyebrow. 

Jacob, I assumed, patted his shoulder with a smirk. “Sure, sure.”

I watched the interaction with interest as they continued to talk, slowly getting out of the car. Jacob Black had been one of my favorite characters before he had wolfed out. After that, I had hated the way that Stephanie Meyers had written him. He became selfish, easily angered, entitled, prejudiced, and even a bit cruel at times. I had been sorely disappointed. He’d seemed like such a likable character before. All in all, I felt like his character arc had been incomplete, and the writer inside of me had been left unsatisfied with the ending. 

“Hey Bella, nice to see you again,” Billy greeted, rolling up by my side in his wheelchair.

The chair was a familiar sight and I hated myself for feeling that way. Familiar wasn't always good, but sometimes I got into a pattern of always doing the same thing and I had a difficult time leaving it. Not that I had been capable in my own body.

“Hi, Billy. How are you?”

“I’m good.” He nodded. “You hungry?”

I shook my head. “I’ll probably get something to snack on once they call the food ready. Charlie and I ate a big breakfast.” At the diner. 

“Just make sure you get to it before those kids do,” he nodded at the people playing in the yard. “They’ll eat it all and leave nothing left for you if you aren’t careful.”

“Thanks for the warning,” I chuckled at the thought. Little did he know I was an old pro at potlucks. The key was to get in there before any of the little kids could. I once watched a child pick his nose, then reach his disgusting, slobbery hand into a bowl of tortilla chips. From that point on, I made sure that I either got there before they did, or ate nothing at all. Shudder. 

“Bells, you remember Jake, right?” Charlie asked from the other side of the car. 

I peered over to them. “Hi Jacob,” I waved instead of answering. No, I did not remember Jake. At least, not in the way he was thinking. “What are they playing out there?” I gestured over to the side yard.

“I think they’re just wrestling.”

“Do you guys ever play Manhunt?” I asked, rubbing my hands together. 

He looked intrigued. “No. What is it?”

“Hide-and-go-seek-tag, except when you are tagged, you become one of the seekers. Whoever is the last to be found wins.”

Eyes sparkling with mischief, he quickly called out to the others, some language I couldn’t understand. I guessed it was their native one. It was beautiful and lilting and I felt cheated that it wasn’t in the book!

“New game!” he translated for me.

“Go easy on her, she’s breakable.” Ordered Charlie. 

I could work that to my advantage. “Yeah. I’m super fragile.” I repeated to Jacob as he led me to the group. He just snorted, catching on quickly.

Once there, Jake introduced me. “Guys, this is Bella. Bella, this is Embry, Leah, Quil, Paul, John, Alia, and Leo.” 

I didn’t recognize the last three names from the book series, but I vaguely remembered the first four, I had to guess they were probably future werewolves. I waved in greeting. “Nice to meet you.”

“You’re the new girl from Phoenix, right?” Quil asked, running one hand over his hair and smirking flirtatiously. 

I would have laughed, but that would be impolite. “That’s right. I’m Chief Swan’s kid.

Jake had me explain the rules to them, and so I did so succinctly before suggesting a practice round. 

“Sure you’re up for this, Arizona?” asked John. “You’re not used to the mud.”

My cheek twitched in amusement. “I think I can handle it. Who wants to be the first hunter?”

It was decided with a three-way rock-paper-scissors game between Leo, Paul, and Jacob. Jacob won. 

“How high do I count?”

I looked around. “Let’s make the boundary line anywhere from between the road to three meters into the treeline,” I indicated with my hand before turning perpendicular to the visual I’d just drawn and repeating the process. “And Jacob’s garage to the end of the side yard. So I’d say we start with one hundred and see how that goes.”

“Sure! I’ll count at the side of the house.”

“Remember, no going into buildings, no breaking bones, no bleeding, and no tripping!” I warned them.

Once Jacob began to count, we all scattered. My heart was pumping hard and I loved the feeling of the earth pounding away beneath my feet. I saw most of the kids disappear into the forest. It was the obvious choice. I had other plans, however. Charlie’s cruiser was parked in the driveway, which was in bounds. Jacob was fairly close, but he was counting loudly, and between the music, game, and conversation going on in the house, I didn’t think I had anything to worry about as far as him hearing me scoot into my hiding place. 

Dropping to my belly, I slid myself beneath the car, glad it was dirt and not gravel. I was not a runner. The forest would be the first place Jacob would think to look after not seeing anyone in his immediate vicinity. There were only roughly three meters of space inside the treeline where they could hide, provided they were following the rules, so once Jacob went in, they would all come pouring out in an effort not to get caught. 

I laid there for a long time, listening as they laughed and ran around, all while keeping an eye on the driver’s side in case Charlie got in and started the car. I didn’t want to be run over. I kept a tally in the dirt beside me and waited until they were all caught before I slid from my hiding place and leaned against the house where Jacob had first been counting. They were all seekers now, so they were still looking. 

I had learned years ago that it was important that I come out of wherever I was hiding because eventually, people would stop looking. I once hid beneath a small overhang that hovered over a creek from 8pm to 11pm. By the time I had come out, wondering why they hadn’t found my yet, half the kids that had been playing had already gone home. 

Leah was the one who spotted me. “She’s over here!” she yelled, charging. 

I laughed, deciding to run because she looked so determined. I had a feeling that if I didn’t, she would form a bad opinion about me. Even though I knew I had already won that round, I enjoyed the game of chase and indulging them. My strength really lay in hiding and maneuvering in this game, but there was only so much pivoting, sliding, and changing direction that you could do before you were surrounded. There were eight of them and only one of me. 

It took them less than five minutes, but I felt accomplished. They all tagged me practically at the same time, hands hitting and sliding off my back with their own exhaustion. They had been running a lot more than I had. I was hunched over at that point, breathing hard with stitches in my sides and trying not to laugh. 

“Oh my god,” I wheezed, out of breath. I waved a hand at them. “Okay, okay you caught me!” I relented, gasping for air. 

“Where even were you?” Leo said between breaths. 

I shot them all a faux superior grin. “Wouldn’t you all like to know?”

There were groans and promises to get me back next time, but I never used the same hiding spot twice. We played the game over and over. I won a few, but mostly I lost. My two other winning hiding spots had been tucked inside a gable on the roof facing away from the playing zone and hiding high in a tree in the _middle_ of the playing zone. I hadn’t been sure about that one, but I guess it was true about what was right in front of your face. I would try hiding closer to the hunter next time I came to play these games with them. 

“Bella, Jake, come over here!” Billy called. 

Both of us looked up from the current deciding rock-paper-scissors game to look at Billy. I shrugged and trudged over to him, covered in mud. I felt disgusting. Really took me back to my childhood. I wanted to laugh at the thought, but I kept it to myself. Jacob was in no better shape than I was. 

Charlie was making a face. “How did you even do that to yourself?”

“I hid inside the culvert.”

“Bella hid inside the culvert.”

We said at the same time. Charlie shook his head at us while Billy’s lips just quirked. 

“So what’s up?” Jacob asked, stuffing his hands into his jean pockets. 

Charlie grunted and nodded at the garage. Jacob’s eyes went round and then he looked sheepish. 

“How about we come back tomorrow?” Charlie said instead. 

I looked at Charlie, my brain filtering quickly through the possibilities. _Oh! The truck._ I quickly settled on.

I voiced my suspicions. “Sorry, chief, I didn’t even think to bring the keys. Not that I could get into the truck like this,” I laughed a little at myself. 

Charlie grumbled. “I’m still trying to figure out how to get you home.”

Jacob was quick to offer a solution, sidling up beside me. “We have an extra set of keys in the garage. Why not have her ride in the back of the truck?”

What with it beginning to rain and all, it very could well be a wet and possibly unpleasant ride. Sounded like fun! “That’s a great idea,” I nodded. “Good thinking, Jacob.”

Some woman I didn’t know poked her head out the door. “Charlie, the stations on the line for you.”

“Oh, thanks, Marie. I’ll be right back.” He said to us before jogging inside. Billy began conversing with Marie off to the side.

Jacob scrunched his nose. 

“What?” I asked, catching sight of it.

“No one calls me ‘Jacob’,” he told me. “Just call me ‘Jake’ like everyone else.”

“Sorry. Jake then.”

“Better.”

Charlie was out a second later and looked between us. “Sorry about that. You two better ride together. Bella’s about as light as a bird; eats like one too. I wouldn’t want the wind to carry her away.

“Oi,” I squinted at him. 

“No problem, Charlie,” Jake replied cheerfully. “You wanting to head out now?”

Charlie blew out a long breath. “Yeah. The station called. There’s an emergency I’ve got to look into.”

My brows creased. “Everything okay?”

He just shook his head. 

Billy headed towards the garage. “Well, I’ll grab the extra keys. You two know you’re welcome any time, Charlie, so don’t fret.”

“I’m gonna go tell them,” Jake said, loping back over to the waiting group.

“I’m sorry you have to cut it short,” I bit the inside of my cheek. I knew how excited he was for this.

“Aww, it’s okay.” He brushed off my concern. “I got to see all the guys, so I’ve got no room to complain. 

But I could tell he was a bit sad, even if he loved his job and wanted to do it. I couldn’t make this into a perfect win-win situation, but I could do something smaller that might make his night better in a small way. 

“Do you know if you’ll be back tonight?”

Charlie shrugged. “It’ll probably be a late night.”

Well, I’d have to revise my plan then. After I showered, I would change his sheets and make his bed so it would be ready for him when he returned. 

“Want me to wait up? I know you’ll drink coffee at the station. You should have a cup of camomile before you try to sleep. It’ll help a lot.”

Charlie shook his head. “Naw, don’t worry about it. I probably won’t be back until the wee hours of the morning.”

“I might be up then,” I pointed out. 

“If you’re already awake, then fine, but don’t lose sleep on my account. Teenagers need more sleep than adults. Oh! Thanks, Billy.” He smiled, taking the keys from his friend as he returned. “See you next week?”

“Bye, Bella!” I heard the group call, taking my attention away from Charlie and Billy. 

I turned and called my own goodbye to them before Jacob joined me and led us out to the garage. We climbed into the back of the truck, slick with the mud on our shoes and clothing. I laughed at myself as I slid around. Jake had to steady me before I really fell. 

“I think that’s the first time I’ve seen you so unsure on your feet since you’ve gotten here,” remarked Charlie, smiling just slightly. 

“Yeah, well, let's see you try staying upright when you’re covered in slippery mud,” I retorted, but I was smiling so he knew I was teasing him back.

“You two stay seated and stay still. I don’t want to see you reenacting that scene from Titanic while we’re flying down the highway.” I could picture the one he was talking about. The one when the couple was at the bow of the boat and the girl's arms were stretched out wide, wind rushing through her hair.

I blinked at him. “That hadn’t even crossed my mind, but now…” I let the sentence hang. 

“Just sit in the goddamn truck, Bella,” he laughed because he knew I wasn't serious. It was a good sound. Happy looked good on him.

Jacob and I sat down against the sides, facing each other. I braced myself against the wheel well as we started moving. The light mist we’d enjoyed during our games was picking up now. I turned my face up to the sky and enjoyed the cold, sharp feeling of the drops hitting my face.

“You don’t seem to mind the rain so much anymore,” Jacob yelled over the sound of the engine and the highway. 

“Let’s just say it grew on me.” I returned, looking out behind me at the ocean as it flashed by. Soon we were enveloped by forest. I took a deep breath of the mossy, earthy air of early spring air and enjoyed it. I'd always wanted to live in the Olympic Peninsula. But all my doctors were in Portland and I had gotten to the point where I couldn't tolerate car rides as well as I had in the past. Anything more than an hour was torture and forget it if it was round trip.

“Charlie seems to think you’re adjusting well to Forks. He thought for sure you’d hate it here.”

“Forks isn’t so bad,” I denied. “Renee needed me before,” I explained. “She has Phil now.”

Jacob looked a little red. “Today was really fun!” he told me. “You should come back. We should hang out.”

“I had fun too,” I responded. “I haven’t played that game for years. Next time I’ll teach you guys Cops and Robbers if you don’t already know it. Or maybe you guys should teach me one.”

I could tell from his expression that that wasn’t exactly what he’d meant. Unfortunately, Jacob was a very sweet boy who was...sixteen? Fifteen? Very young. Let’s go with that. And I was a twenty-year-old stuck inside a seventeen-year-old’s body. And if that wasn’t enough, I had too much to worry about currently to add a potential relationship on top of all that. 

I knew it was Bella’s fate to end up with Edward, and it was _not_ Jacob’s fate, no matter how you looked at it. Just because I was borrowing her body for a time didn’t mean that I had any right to muck up her life. Even if that meant adhering to the main plot points for her sake and for the sake of the people that love her, and the person who was in love with her. 

Ultimately I had no place here and I needed to remember that. Because if I didn’t, I would be setting myself up for all sorts of emotional attachment that I wasn’t prepared to deal with when I finally got back into my own body—when I finally went _home_. This place, the people, even this body...I was in so much trouble because I could tell I was beginning to like it too much. This was dangerous...

...and I was loving every second of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading my story! If you are enjoying this, please let me know in the comments and don't forget to leave kudos and subscribe. It really helps to boost my stats and get this story more visibility! Thank you so much for your support! And to the two people who became user subscribers, I see you. <3 Thank you! ;)
> 
> IN THE NEXT CHAPTER: Edward will be making his next appearance.


	8. Distraction and Fortification

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! I know the end note of the last chapter said we'd be seeing Edward's reappearance in this chapter, but honestly, I feel like I'd be doing you all a disservice if I rushed through these moments that are important both for world-building, establishing character, and future plot points. And since this chapter is already about the length of TWO, I just didn't feel like I could stretch it out any further (AND I'M 2 DAYS LATE TO PUBLISHING THIS). I hope you can forgive me!
> 
> Thank you to everyone for your engagement in the comment section. You guys have contributed some amazing ideas and requests going forward. I can't wait to share more of this story with you!
> 
> Thank you for reading; please enjoy...

#  Chapter Seven: Distraction and Fortification 

It took me about an hour’s worth of scrubbing myself raw in the shower to finally convince myself I had every possible bug off of me. Once we’d arrived at the house, we’d been making plans with Jake for tomorrow and saying our goodbyes when I’d the unfortunate (and horrifying) discovery that I had a few _very_ unwelcome guests that had tagged along for the journey. It took all my self-control not to strip right then and there. 

Both Charlie and Jake had laughed at me when I called back over my shoulder to tell them why I had darted up the stairs in such haste without preamble, but I was less concerned for my pride and more concerned about the disgusting little creatures and who knew what else that was probably crawling all over me. After an hour, the water heater had finally given out and I’d been left chilly in the suddenly freezing water. I’d reluctantly left the shower, not quite convinced I was in the home stretch. Bella had a lot of hair. Who knew what was still hiding in it? 

I guess I’d tired myself out because after I’d fixed up Charlie’s sleeping arrangement and thrown my clothing into the washer for its first cycle, I slept like a log. It had been filled with vivid, disruptive dreams, but it had been sleep, so I supposed I couldn’t complain. Sunday morning came sooner than I wanted it to, and I was prompted awake by Charlie turning on the radio like he did every morning before his shower. I hadn’t been awake when he made it home, and I wondered if he was just now returning or if he had gotten the chance to sleep a bit. 

Now, I sat in my bed, a warm mug of tea between my chilly hands and bundled in a thick knitted sweater. I was cross-legged, facing the window so I could look at the moss and the trees in the forest a few meters away. I had just been thinking about bringing some of the outside in when Charlie knocked on the door. 

“Come in,” I called, taking a sip of tea before looking over my shoulder at him. 

“You ready?” he asked. 

I frowned. “You want to leave so early? Did you sleep at all?” I unfolded my legs from beneath me so that I could turn and face him instead.

“I did,” he nodded, leaning against the door frame and crossing his arms. He suddenly looked a little awkward, and he reached a hand to rub at the back of his neck. “Thanks for making up my bed, Bella. It was really thoughtful.”

“It wasn’t a problem,” I replied easily. “I was washing my sheets too.” I had a feeling that Charlie wasn’t use to people going out of their way to do things for him and that it might make him uncomfortable if I were to suddenly do so. It wasn’t necessarily a _lie,_ but I was still sending yesterday’s clothes through in repetition in an attempt to salvage them, so the sheets hadn’t gone in yet. 

He appeared more comfortable now that he didn't feel singled out because he let out a small huff of amusement. “When did you become such a clean freak?”

I shrugged. “Is it bad to want to be clean? If I don’t wash my sheets frequently, the oils on my face get onto my pillowcase over and over again, and each time I lay down they go back on my skin. It’s a hygiene thing.”

“Don’t think I’ve ever thought about it like that.”

I shrugged. “Whatever motivates you to be clean is really up to the person. I just so happen to be motivated by convenience. If I don’t have pimples or blackheads, I don’t feel the desire or need to use foundation. If I don’t use foundation, I don’t have to contour or highlight or use blush. It’s more cost-effective too.”

He just shook his head. “Doesn't make much sense to me.”

I just hummed, taking a sip of tea. “I boiled water on the stove. It shouldn’t take long to get it back up to temp if you want tea or coffee.”

“Alright. You finish getting dressed and stuff and I’ll go drink coffee.”

“Sure. I’ll be down in half an hour.”

He began heading down the stairs, but I heard him mutter, “make that ‘drink coffee and read the paper’.” 

I chuckled a little bit, but I wasn’t bothered. Spending time on myself was a gift to myself, but also a privilege. I just couldn’t be made to feel embarrassed about it. I had no idea what the culture was surrounding girls Bella’s age taking time on their makeup and hair and whatnot in the early two-thousands, but it really didn’t matter. I did remember from the book that Bella Swan had basically been the unspoken poster child for the hashtag ‘not-like-other-girls’, though. 

True to my word, I was ready to go in thirty minutes. I did my makeup like I always did and chose a simple sweater and jeans (cuffed, of course) affair that was comfortable and functional. I was not a fan of the lower riding jeans that seemed to be fashionable, but since it had been the prominent and most readily available cut in the store, I had made sure to purchase large, fluffy, oversized knit sweaters. This one was a dark burnt orange color that I thought looked great with Bella’s dark hair. She really did autumn colors best. And, bonus, the fall sweaters have been on super clearance in Arizona so it was a win-win. 

Charlie seemed tired on the drive there, and I told him I was too, so maybe we could start the driving lessons later on in the week if that would work for him. He had agreed quickly enough to let me know that he hadn’t gotten enough sleep last night and the coffee wasn’t altogether fixing it. 

Jake and Billy had told us about the big, red, bulky truck to let us know about its quirks before we took it home. There was a trick with the parking brake, and another to get it to start properly, and then they talked about mile-per-gallon and what kind of gas to put in it. 

If I were being honest, this was probably one of the last cars I would have chosen for myself. Both from an environmental standpoint and from the view of someone who valued convenience. I would drive it as little as possible. I kept these thoughts to myself and paid attention to what they were telling me. I had a bit of a difficult time. After a while, it began to sound like they were speaking in an entirely different language with English conjunctions and adjectives. I knew at that point my brain had gotten overwhelmed. I knew for sure after I tried to speak next. 

“I keyed the brought this time, Charlie,” I turned to him, aware of my slip up but not willing to acknowledge the odd look Billy was giving me. The words had felt like lead on my tongue. Heavy and hard to speak around. “But I left them in the cruiser. I’ll be right back.”

My cheeks flamed with embarrassment as I turned away. I had meant to say ‘I brought the keys this time’, but that’s not how it had come out. Usually, switching around words like that wouldn’t bother me because my parents were used to it and didn’t treat it as weird, instead, they helped me find the humor in the situation. It was just another one of my quirks due to my brain trauma. There wasn’t a name for it. I wasn’t dyslexic; or at least, I didn’t think so because I wasn’t diagnosed, but I knew it wasn’t normal.

Bella’s family and friends, however, were just concerned. And I was embarrassed because I was trying really hard to put forth a certain impression. Strong, capable, assertive, healthy. But when I messed up like this...so much of that effort was lost I closed my eyes tightly and let out a breath as I approached the cruiser, trying to shake it off. It wasn’t a big deal. I just had to tell myself that.

I had put the keys next to me on the passenger seat but had forgotten to take them with me when I got out after we'd arrived. I opened the door and grabbed them before I stood back up, ready to shut the door. I let out a shriek and nearly closed my fingers in the door when I realized Jake was standing right next to me. I held my pounding heart and gave him a small glare. 

“Jesus, Jake, I’m going to put a bell on you!” I scolded him, straightening as I finished catching my breath. 

He smiled playfully at me. “Sorry, Bella,” he said, but his grin told me he wasn’t all that sorry. “Are you feeling okay?” he asked after a moment, putting the back of his hand to my forehead. 

_Woah, there, buddy,_ I thought quickly, gently moving his arm. _I’m not used to physical contact so this makes me uncomfortable._

“I’m fine,” I assured him, patting the arm I’d just removed lightly to take away any hurt I may have caused by doing so. “I think I’m just overtired. You guys really gave me a run for my money yesterday.”

Jake’s cheeky grin was back, and he was agreeing with me, recounting his favorite moments as he headed back to the garage. He was so easily distracted that I found myself grateful. Unfortunately, it was not to last. As we approached the garage, he paused because we heard Charlie talking inside. 

“I don’t know, Billy,” he sounded tired. “She hit her head real bad two months ago but has refused to see a doctor so far. Renee is calling me every day to ask about her and I hate lying to her.”

_Ah. So Billy told Jake to follow me out here so Charlie could give him the gist._ I thought, holding up my hand to stop Jake from just walking in. I needn’t have worried. He was already eavesdropping with me just outside the door. 

“Why lie?” asked Billy. 

Charlie let out a sigh. “Because she’d hop on the next flight here and take over Bella’s life faster than Bella could get a word in edgewise. I think Bella’s okay, mostly. Maybe.” He amended after a minute. “But she’s different. She’s _sociable_ and _charismatic_ and-and _deep_ !” Charlie nearly yelled. He almost made it sound like that was a bad thing? “When have you _ever_ known either one of us to fit into those categories? Even Renee?” He demanded. 

“Never.”

“Exactly!” I saw Charlie’s shadow throw his arms up in the air and start pacing. “And then there are those moments like you saw where something just comes out of her mouth wrong. I think she noticed this time, but most of the time she doesn’t—or at least I think she doesn’t.”

“Want to have Sue take a look at her?” murmured Billy. 

_Oooookay,_ I thought, a trifle irritably. I was doing my best here and I was doing damn good considering where I was before Bella’s body. Stiffing my hands in the front pocket of my sweater, I kicked the garage door with the toe of my converse, causing Charlie, Billy, and Jake to startle at the loud rattling sound. 

I crossed my arms and raised my brow at Charlie, pursing my lips. “You gonna gossip about me all day, old man, or are you going to help me get this puppy home?” I tossed him the keys. 

He almost managed to catch them, still a bit startled by my sudden appearance. “And assertive,” he grumbled. 

Billy clicked his tongue at him and made an amused sound. 

“Listen, you guys, it’s really great of you to worry about me, but I’m doing great. And chief, I already told both you _and_ Renee that I would let Dr. Carlisle check me out, so what’s the issue?”

Billy stiffened in his wheelchair. 

I had one of those moments where you just instantly regret whatever just came out of your mouth. I wanted to smack my forehead. _Right. The feud-slash-treaty between the Cullens and the tribe..._ I thought, a trifle miserably.

“You know, Sue could look you over instead. She could even do it today.”

And because I was being threatened with yet another appointment, I snapped back quickly. “And if I called Alice, I could have _Dr. Cullen_ look me over today,” I retorted. Then I took a deep breath. I was being rude because I was on the defensive. I just needed to breathe. “Thank you for the offer, but I’m only willing to let one health care provider poke and prod at me, and I already told Renee who it would be.” I knew I was lashing out because I was scared, but that didn’t matter. It was my first defense mechanism. When someone gets too close to one of my vulnerabilities, beat them with a verbal stick until they go away. 

Billy still didn’t look happy. 

“You know the Cullens, Bella?” Jake asked, sounding curious instead of belligerent as his father had.

“Yeah,” my shoulders dropped slightly as I relaxed. “I would call Alice a good friend of mine.” I smiled at the memories. “She’s really bubbly and whimsical and really sweet. And annoyingly optimistic. I'm a fan.”

“It’s good you’re making friends, but I wish you were going to school on the rez.” Jake sighed, lamenting. “All the guys agreed.”

“And Leah?” I arched a brow at him.

He frowned, nonplussed. “Leah _is_ one of the guys.”

Did she know this? Did that mean _I_ was one of the guys too? I chuckled at the thought. He was good for breaking tension. “I enjoyed spending time with them. I’ll have to come back and hang out with you guys again. I bet you guys know a lot of things to do around here.”

He nodded eagerly. “Oh we do,” he flashed a devious grin. 

“Jake, why don’t you take Charlie to get the extra fish fritters Sue made earlier.”

“Sure,” said Jake, already turning.

I looked back at Billy. I remembered this scene happening differently. Different time, different place, different situation. And damn, but this was not a good time to confront me. I could practically feel my hackles raised, ready for a fight. That’s not how I wanted to go into this. It was scientifically proven that fighting about your side of an argument with someone with a difference of opinion would only further cement them in their own belief, regardless of any facts or reason you may bring to the table. I hated dicking around the subject, but if I truly wanted any sort of growth or information to be yielded from this conversation, I would have to be subtle, even if it was against my nature. Yes, I was scared, and yes that made me lash out with anger. But I needed to recognize that and set those emotions to the side for now so I could have this conversation without destroying it.

Charlie looked excited at the prospect and hurried to follow Jake, letting me know he'd be right back. I took a deep breath, anchoring myself to the sound of the waves. I sat down on the bumper of the truck, unconsciously mimicking Billy’s body language. 

Once I heard the screen door squeak, I spoke. “So, what is it you wanted to talk to me about?” I asked him, level now with his gaze. I didn’t want it to feel like either one of us was on unequal footing. We had a difference of opinion, not social standing. Towering over him to make a point was not a good way to make friends, and I knew that as someone who had been stuck in a wheelchair for three years.

“You know I care about you and your father, Bella.” This was a statement, not a question. “I don’t want either of you to get hurt.”

I leaned back against the door of the truck bed. “You’re talking about the Cullens,” I surmised. _Cut right to the chase. Don’t allow your opponent to beat around the bush any more than you’re willing to or your honesty will put you at a disadvantage,_ I told myself firmly. _Subtly can come later._

Billy nodded, gaze never leaving my face. 

I let out a long breath. “You don’t need to worry.”

“They’re dangerous, Bella. Their whole family,” he whispered. 

The fact that I could tell he was honestly afraid for me helped cool my anger more, and I could feel the cogs in my brain begin to turn again at a more moderate, less panicky pace. “I understand where you’re coming from,” I told him. 

He cut me off before I could continue. “Do you?” he asked, eyes hard and searching my face intently.

“Yes,” I asserted. The cogs turned. There had to be a better way to go about this. There was, but it held some risk. It would require lying, but if it sparked even a little self-realization and reflection, then it would be worth it. “You know, I grew up hearing Renee’s side of the story,” I said suddenly. 

Billy was caught off guard, confused at the sudden change in topic. “Bella, I'm talking about the—”

This time, I cut him off, holding up my hand. “I was just a kid when she told me about it. I’m sure I didn’t get all the details. I just knew what the result had been. To be honest, I didn’t even try to see things from Charlie’s point of view until much later.” I said, leaning forwards and gazing with the same intensity as he was. We were locked in a staring contest. A battle of wills. “And then I realized how many things I never bothered to verify from ‘my side’ of the story, so I had no idea what was ‘truth’ and what I had misunderstood.”

I could tell my message had been received. Billy squinted and then leaned away from me, sitting back in his chair. “I see what you’re trying to do, Bella.”

_Good. That’ll save us both a lot of trouble._ “I could argue with you all I like, Billy. But the truth is, no one can force you to change your mind. Not me, not the Cullens, or Charlie, or anyone else. It's not our responsibility.”

“You’re right,” he said, mouth set in a firm line, eyes frustrated. “It’s not.”

I could tell he wasn’t happy with me, but I had won this little stare-down; because by agreeing with me, he had walked right into my trap. “Nor is it your responsibility to change mine.”

We continued having our staredown for long moments before he spoke next. “That’s very self-righteous of you,” he told me, still glaring.

My cheeks warmed, but I tried not to let his statement bother me. It wouldn’t be the first time someone had said that to me. I nodded sharply. “Maybe. I can own to that. I can’t claim to be right, Billy. I can only claim to be willing to be proven wrong; and I don’t debate people who can’t claim the same. Call it a...” I cocked my head slightly, “ _rule_ of mine.”

He gritted his teeth for a moment before his eyes got some of their usual shine back. “Charlie's right. You _are_ different, Bella.” He said after a few moments. “In time, I may even say it's not such a bad thing.”

I supposed that was as close to a concession from him as I would get at this point, so I accepted it. “I’ll take that as a compliment, Mr. Black.”

He hummed at me before he wheeled himself back towards the house. I watched him go with a speculative gaze. I wondered if anything would come of this. None of it was on me anymore. Now the chance for change rested solely on Billy’s shoulders, and I would leave it be where it was. I wasn’t about to go borrowing trouble before the plot called for it. 

_I wonder,_ I thought to myself, looking at the place where Billy had just vacated in the garage. _Can my own view be considered unbiased if I believe it to be so when I know that I was first exposed to this world from a very biased point of view?_ _Can any of these characters ever truly step outside their own box of characterization in order to understand someone else’s point of view?_

I would have to see. I made a point of recording the event in my journey last night, highlighting it as a minor plot deviation with a tab to check back later when new developments were made with Billy Black or the Wolves. I couldn’t really get any more information on the wolves or the Cullen’s until after I got a foothold into the supernatural, so any more research would have to come at that point.

So far, my plan was to generally try to stick with the plotline for Bella’s sake after I vacated her body, and so that I would have a foothold into the supernatural world with the Cullens. If there was any way to understand how to get home, I knew it wouldn’t be anything I could find online or in a bookstore. It would have to be a risk and reward sort of situation. 

That meant getting close to Edward Cullen. I wasn’t sure I was ready to even think about trying to pursue a romantic plotline with him. Yes, it was a main overall arc in the story, however, I didn’t want to hyjinx Bella’s romance, and to be honest, I hadn’t been that in love with Edward’s character in the first place. I hadn’t been able to connect well with his character via Bella. On top of that, I didn’t want to lead him on in some sort of pseudo-relationship until I figured out how to get home, either. 

“Everything will begin tomorrow,” I thought to myself as I laid on Bella’s bed, staring up at my hand as I stretched it so it made a wide silhouette against the peaked ceiling in her room. It contorted against the odd angles. I had the feeling I wouldn’t be able to sleep tonight.

☽ ◯ ☾

Despite the warm glow of sunrise, it was dark and chilly outside. I brought my gloved fingers to my mouth and breathed on them, readjusting myself where I sat in the slow. I was by the edge of the wood, sitting in the yellow light from one of the light posts in the school parking lot. Dawn was just beginning to truly light my surroundings but I’d been here for a few hours. 

Charlie had left the house in the middle of the night to go to the station. I’d heard his walkie-talkie go off before he’d scrambled to get dressed and go out. I wasn’t just what was happening to make him wait so anxiously, but again, I hadn’t questioned it. 

However, once he had left the house, I had no longer felt the need to stay in it either. Especially after I’d peeked outside my window and seen the snowflakes lazily drifting towards the blanketed ground. And that’s how I’d come to be here now. 

A few teachers had already arrived. When they’d spotted me, hunched over in the snow with my mechanical pencil, ruler, and a handful of sticks, they had, of course, been concerned. That is until they saw what I was using them for. Stretched out before me in about a three-by-three square as a tiny little town made out of snow and ice. 

It had roads and buildings and bridges made of sticks. I had made them late for their work. Mr. Varner had been most interested in my city planning and some of the angles that I had chosen to build with, and he had stayed the longest next to Mr. Mason, with whom I had gotten caught up in a conversation about worldbuilding. I had been lightly scolded for how long I had obviously been there, and they had even phoned the station to let Charlie know I’d been out at night. Small towns.

Charlie had stopped by after that too. He had been more worried than the teachers, but I had mostly managed to put him at ease with the excuse that I was trying to show off to my friends. I wasn’t sure how well he believed that.

In truth, I created things when I was anxious. Anxiety usually meant art, while depression usually meant writing or poetry more often than not. I wasn’t ashamed to admit I had written sad poetry in the bathtub at 3am sometimes. Everyone had their own way of coping, right? However, even I didn't know why I had chosen the school grounds. Perhaps to try and make this space seem more like something that belonged to me as a way of preparing for today's reencounter with Edward Cullen? Did I subconsciously believe that by creating something here, I was claiming this space as safe? That was one theory, deluded as it was. I didn't voice it to the chief.

Charlie had just let me know that we would be talking about this after school. I had never had a curfew before (mostly because I’d never gone anywhere before), but it was an interesting concept. I vaguely wondered if I would resent him for it. Would Bella’s teenage hormones affect my thought patterns and responses to authority figures? I just didn’t know. But I was interested. I made a mental note to ask Carlisle and maybe Jasper once I was talking to them. 

I finished two more little structures (a fenced-in farm with tiny little ferns as crops and a little house to go with it) before the students began to arrive. I was kneeling there, using my ruler to scrape a few drops of water from my water bottle up the side of the house to create a harder layer on the outside when Alice approached perhaps a bit too quickly. I couldn't help but notice her movements and demeanor seemed heavier today. She hovered over me once she was close enough.

She oo-ed and aw-ed. I sat back on my heels and smiled at her. “What is this?” she asked, leaning over farther than any human could comfortably to look at one of my favorite houses, all while maintaining less than three inches between us. 

I laughed at her. “You made all those impressed noises and you don’t know?”

She waved a dismissive hand in my direction. “I know it’s a town, I mean what town is it?”

“This is Otherland,” I told her with a small smile, making a tiny little snowman family so they could sit in one of the yards. “Or, at least, a representation of it.” 

“Is that from a story?”

“Yup.”

“Which one?”

I shrugged. “I haven’t given it a name. I just made it up. It’s still in the worldbuilding process. Mr. Varner and I talked about it a lot earlier. We decided that Otherland is a place that exists in the cracks of glaciers, miles within it where humans can’t see. There are little faerie creatures that inhabit it and live off the minerals in the glacier water.”

“I didn’t know you wrote stories, Bella,” she crouched down beside me so we were almost touching. She looked gleeful. “I want to read one!” she pronounced, turning her vampiric charm on me. 

As if that would work. Jokes on her; no charm could be more powerful than my insecurities. “Ha! Nice try, but I don’t have it here.” And even if I did, I wasn't likely to hand it over.

“Well that wouldn’t be a problem—” she began before she stopped suddenly. I immediately thought of her vampiric speed. How long would it even take her to get to Arizona? Her sudden halt in conversation no doubt had to do with one of her siblings berating her now in a volume Bella's ears couldn’t pick up.

I hurried to cover her mistake. “I can’t just pull another out of a hat, Alice,” I shook my head at her. 

Her eyes focused back on me, and she smiled brightly. “No, I suppose you can’t. Such a shame!”

I was relieved she was out of the doghouse with her siblings. I wasn't exactly ready to encounter them at this point. Still so much to set up... “Well, not all of us can be virtuosos,” I pronounced, standing and stretching. I felt a few things pop as I did so. 

Alice looked at me in alarm at the loud sounds. 

I waved her off. I was used to this. “It’s just because I’ve been down there for like—” I groaned, twisting a little. “Six hours.”

“Six hours?” her voice grew high and her eyes grew wide. “Bella, why weren’t you sleeping? Don’t you sleep?”

I grumbled. “Bad quality sleep isn’t sleep at all, it’s just a waste of time.”

“And you don’t like wasting time, so you came all the way out here in the dark alone to build a beautiful sculpture that will melt before lunch?” she tilted her head, looking at me with raised brows and an amused expression. But I could see a tension in her face that I wasn't used to. A certain tightness that didn't allow for a full range of expressions. 

“Oi, I don’t need you to remind me it’s about to die a horrible, melting death!” _I wish I had my phone so I could take pictures!_ I lamented.

She sighed. “I bet you didn’t even tell anyone where you were.”

“The teachers knew.”

“Once they arrived?” she guessed, propping her hands on her hips.

I shrugged. “It was fine. I left a note at home for Charlie.”

She shook her head and squinted, looking worried. “Bella, you need a keeper.”

“I need a keeper about as much as you need a personal stylist. It ain’t gonna happen, Alice, don’t even try.”

She sighed. “If you do something like this again, you should just text me, so someone knows where you are.”

“Are you okay?” I asked, facing her fully and looking her up and down. Something was definitely off with her. “You’re usually about 70% more carefree and there has been a distinct lack of dancing since you’ve come over here.”

She blinked, and then smiled blindingly and I found my arms full of a very tiny, happy vampire. _Man, I thought these guys were supposed to be cold. Either I’m freezing or she’s weirdly warm. I bet I know which one it is._ I thought dryly noticing my breath didn't make much fog as it left me. 

“I’m sorry Bella,” she sighed before stepping back. “I didn’t think anyone but my siblings would notice.”

“Anything I can do?” I asked her, squeezing her hands in mine. Her eyes were golden, I knew she wasn't hungry. I could only assume then that she had a vision that had upset her. And I bet I knew exactly what the vision involved.

She looked at me speculatively, biting her lip before replying, “Just be careful and don't wear your hat inside, okay? It's impolite.” she added on, looking up at me from beneath snow-kissed lashes. 

_Goddamn, I knew I was team Alice,_ I thought with amusement. As for her advice, done, and done. That was simple enough. I guess my hat did kind of push my hair away from my neck. Was it the visual that had her so worried? I hadn't realized such a small plot deviation as wearing a hat when Bella hadn't could make such a significant difference.

I saw Jasper approach, though he remained a few feet away. “Bella,” he greeted with a polite nod. “If you feel like giving Alice back anytime soon, that’d be great,” he said with a small smile. His tone was almost teasing.

“Oh?” I asked, smirking, I brought one of Alice’s hands up to my lips and pecked it playfully. She giggled, watching Jasper. “You wanted her back? You should have told me before I got good and attached!”

I could tell by both their body language that I wasn’t offending them or in any danger from Jasper, so I spun Alice around and dipped her, as though we were dancing. That caused a full-on chortle from her because some of the snow that had accumulated on my hand dropped down on her face. Very not smooth of me. 

“I suppose I shall have to relinquish you, _my dear,_ ” I embellished with a drawn-out, North Atlantic accent. I brought her out of the dip and spun her again, this time towards Jasper. 

He snatched her from her little spin and protectively curled around her, causing me to laugh at his expense. I waved him off. “Sorry, Jasper, I couldn’t help myself. You looked so serious!”

“If I was serious, I would have to fight for her honor,” he grinned mischievously at me. 

“Unless you’re talking about go fish or UNO, I’d be fresh out of luck,” I told him with a shrug, causing Alice’s teasing grin to morph into a snicker again and Jasper to give a small, unexpected chuckle. 

I hadn’t realized he could laugh. It was sort of a laugh. Whatever it was, it was sexy. “Jesus, the two of you together is basically the bisexual dream.” I shook my head, despairing with a reasonably theatric flare. “Whatever will I do? How can anyone else hope to compare? I suppose I shall have to stick to works a fiction for romance after all.”

Alice perked up. “I wouldn’t worry!”

I squinted and her, clutching my heart. “Matchmaking so soon after you’ve broken my heart so soundly? You’re too cruel, Alice!”

No, but really, I'd prefer if she didn't try to matchmake for me. I had a difficult time connecting with people at the depth with which I needed to in order to feel true attraction for them. Surface attraction was all well and good, but it wasn't something I ever wanted to pursue just for the sake of that surface attraction. 

Jasper just shook his head at my antics. He could probably tell through my emotions that I was mostly just being playful, so I doubted he was worried. “Alice is not allowed to matchmake,” he reassured me. 

I made a show of wiping my brow relieved, to which Alice was offended. I joked with the two of them as we headed towards the main school grounds. They walked me all the way to the English building, which surprised me, before we parted for our individual classes. 

I made a stop by the bathroom to wash my hands in cold water and slowly bring the temperature up to room temp to unfreeze my fingers. My gloves were all but useless, and they were soaked through at this point anyways, so I stuffed them into a pocket of my backpack before washing my hands once more and heading into Mr. Varner’s classroom.

I was conscious all morning that Edward was likely watching me through everyone’s thoughts. I was beginning to think my jovial mood this morning had more to do with Jasper’s influence and less to do with my actual mood because before long I settled into a sort of quiet intensity as I waited for the other shoe to drop. 

I knew I wouldn’t see them until after lunch. Thus far, Alice had chosen to sit with her family for lunch, and given that Edward needed her visions to reassure him he wasn't about to make me his next meal, I had no reason to assume she would change that particular habit today. I'm not sure I would enjoy eating in front of her in any case. Eating was hard enough without someone watching you. I would be most interested to see the other’s reactions to me. 

So far, Jasper had been courteous, but not quite friendly, this morning being the exception. Rosalie had nodded at me my first day here, but beyond that, we hadn’t interacted or even looked in each other’s direction. I hadn’t encountered Emmet in any way yet, and Edward...well. He was still perfectly on plot to my knowledge, minus the evident hiccup my choice to wear a sock-knit cap had created, but that was easily amendable. Which meant today would begin his exploration into my mind. Just the thought made me uncomfortable. 

Throughout the morning, I was aware of the excited chatter around me about the snow. News about the tiny little snow town by the forest had spread like wildfire, and I enjoyed knowing that people were having fun looking at it, even as I knew it would probably be destroyed before I had a chance to go back. 

I heard Bella’s name repeated a few times as the realization that I had made it went around the school, and I was approached when someone wanted to talk about it before a class started or just after it ended. I enjoyed those conversations, but I had a difficult time getting into them as I had with Alice. My mind was busy fortifying itself for the coming invasion of privacy. Before I knew it, Spanish had finished and I was walking into the cafeteria. Jessica was by my side, chatting with Mike as we all walked together, but she must have realized I wasn’t really listening because she was not engaging me directly. I appreciated it.

_Just remember,_ I thought to myself. _You don’t have to tell him anything you don’t want to. He isn’t entitled to the information, and you aren’t obligated to give it to him. He’s asking about Bella anyways. Keep your head down for now, follow the plot, and it will be fine. You’ve read that scene a thousand times; you could probably recite it in your sleep._

With that pep talk firmly in place, I walked into the cafeteria. It was warm compared to the chilliness outside, but I hardly noticed it. Jessica slipped her arm through mine so she was guiding me as we walked up to the line. 

“Hello? Bella?” she called, waving a hand in front of my face.

My eyes focused. I was staring at the food. I realized there was a cafeteria staff waiting on me to dish my food on the other side of the plexiglass. I flushed and apologized, shaking my head at them. “I’ll just have some bread. Thanks.” I said, grabbing a green tea from the bucket.

“You okay?” Jessica frowned at me, eyeing the green tea. “You’re not sick are you?”

I shook my head, offering her a smile. “Thanks for worrying about me, Jess. I’m fine. I just didn’t get any sleep last night and I’m feeling it now. Some complex carbohydrates and caffeine should fix me right up,” I assured her. 

She looked doubtful. 

“What’s with Bella?” Mike asked Jessica, eyeing me up at down. 

He looked sort of concerned, but for some reason, it felt more like I was being checked out. My suspicions were cemented when his eyes lingered slightly on my chest. I turned away to walk towards the register.

_Great,_ I thought. _Now I have a bad taste in my mouth_ and _I'm uncomfortable_ ; _thanks, Mike._

You would think after I rejected him last week that he'd have the decency to stop looking at me like that. I had thought I'd been very clear. Had I been too nice? Was there any way to get him to stop? I didn’t even catch what Jessica told him. I was too caught up in my own thoughts.

Jess wrapped her arm through mine again, leaning close. “Mike didn’t mean to upset you,” she said softly under her breath. 

That didn’t excuse it. I just sighed but I patted her hand once to acknowledge her intent to comfort me. I was getting a headache. I really just wanted to go home. I mean, back to Charlie’s. 

“Hey, look,” said Lauren once we got to the table. “Edward is back,” she was looking over her shoulder at him. Her eyes were dark and heavy-lidded as she eyed him. She was about two seconds away from shifting in her seat and licking her lips.

My upper lip twitched slightly in distaste. This was _not_ something I wanted to be privy to and I was uncomfortable. I felt bad for Edward now too. Honestly, I just wanted to be able to exist without feeling self-conscious about anyone’s unwanted attention. I imagine it was the same for him.

“Not for long if you keep looking at him like that,” I grumbled as I fell into my seat next to Jess. 

All four of my table mates reacted in the same moment. Jessica pressed her lips together tightly and tried not to laugh. Angela hunched further over her book. Mike was looking at me in horror. And Lauren turned slowly, and I could almost hear screeching horror movie violins as she turned. Her glare could give Edward’s a run for his money. 

“Mind your own business!” she snapped. 

I winced at her volume. My head pounded. “Pardon. That was rude of me,” I admitted. “Rude, but true.”

She didn’t seem to appreciate my apology. She just glowered down at her food, picking at it. At least she stopped eye-stripping Edward. The thought amused me greatly because I knew he could see what she was thinking. If vampires could blush...

“What are you laughing at?” Jess hissed, under her breath at me, her mood swinging between worried and amused like a pendulem. I could relate.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t doing as good a job at hiding my mirth as she was. I rubbed my eyes. “Man, I really must be tired,” I sighed, not even bothering to try and open my green tea on my own. I handed it to Jess and gave her a pleading look. “My hands are dead,” I explained. 

She rolled her eyes at me fondly but opened it for me anyways. 

Lauren looked up from her food to glare at me. “You know, if you weren’t such an attention whore, you might be able to open your own fucking bottle,” she muttered under her breath. 

“You didn’t like my impromptu art installation?” I took a swig.

“No.”

“Thanks for the feedback,” I replied.

I was being exceptionally rude. So, _so_ rude. This was beginning to become a bad habit of mine. Maybe I wasn’t as used to interacting with people as I thought I’d been. I was tired of the attention at the moment, though. Suddenly, being called an ‘attention whore’ made the art I’d been so excited about this morning feel worthless and dirty. I hated that she had made me feel that way. No. Scratch that. I hated that I had somehow subconsciously given her the power to make me feel that way. 

I felt guilty for the horrid atmosphere at the table and embarrassed that there were so many witnesses. “No, sorry, Lauren. I’m frustrated today and I’m taking it out on you when I usually wouldn’t.” I rubbed my eyes. “I think it’s just a little too loud in my head. I’m going to go cool off.”

Lauren didn’t look convinced, but her face morphed into surprise as I really stood and grabbed my bag. 

I smiled at the table. “Sorry about that. See you guys later.”

I didn't wait for any of them to try and stop me; I just made my way to the door and let the bread slide off the tray before putting it up on the stack, leaving the cafeteria without looking back. I went left, looking for a corner to tuck myself into so I could sketch without being bothered. 

I slid down into the corner and crouched there. The ground was already soggy and the snow was mostly gone, so sitting would only mean I had a wet and muddle print of my ass on my jeans for the rest of the day. 

Deciding to just use my biology notebook so I could continue sketching in class between notes, I chose it out of my back and grabbed my mechanical pencil. I began to draw concepts of little ice faeries with large bright eyes, imaging what they might wear and how they might look. I didn’t think they would have wings because of the limited space in crevices in glaciers where they would live, so perhaps they had sharp nails that would help them climb the ice to get where they needed to go. 

I desperately wanted to stay immersed in this little world I was building so I wouldn’t have to worry about plot lines or my apparent inability to speak civilly without Jasper’s influence today, but I knew I would have to go to biology. 

I wasn’t sure how long I sat there for. Not long enough to hear the bell, but long enough to feel the desire to sink into this lovely feeling of solitude instead of dealing with my real-life problems. Eventually, I heard footsteps approaching. I glanced up, then did a double-take. 

It was Edward Cullen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yikes, Hallan has some issues. What did you guys think about how she responded to the events in this chapter? Can you empathize with her or would you have done something differently? I'd love to know. 
> 
> If you are enjoying this story, please share, subscribe, bookmark, comment, and leave kudos. Then you do these things, you help my story gain more visibility for more people to read it! I'm also fueled on tea and reader's comments, so don't forget they are always appreciated!
> 
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	9. Closed Book

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bella's infamous second interaction with Edward isn't going according to plan and Hallan is having a tough time sticking to the script...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, all! I'm happy to present you with the next chapter! The last chapter was so long, so this chapter is a happy middle ground in terms of word count. I hope you all enjoy!

#  Chapter Eight: Closed Book 

When my eyes finally registered who I was seeing in front of me, the mechanical pencil I’d been holding in my mouth while I blended with my finger slipped out and fell to the ground. I wasn’t exactly sure what expression I was making, but I was too stunned by his sudden appearance to ascertain. 

He ran a hand through his coppery brown hair and then he spoke in a low, musical tone. “I suppose the look you’re giving me is warranted after the way I treated you last week.”

“At least you know,” I retorted before I could engage my brain to mouth filter.

He winced. “I’ve come to apologize for that,” he spoke slowly. 

I watched him inhale through his mouth and I suddenly remembered I had leveled up my emotional maturity enough to gain a special skill: empathy. “Oh?” I asked him, willing to forgive him, but not willing to admit it unless he truly apologized. Implying an apology cost his pride nothing.

“Yes. I was incredibly rude last week. I hope you’re not skipping biology on my account.”

Still not an apology. “Yes, you were incredibly rude, and no, I just lost track of time,” I replied retrieving my mechanical pencil. “If you’re sorry, say so, and let’s move on.”

“I’m sorry,” he said, the words coming out quickly, as though they’d been sitting on the end of his tongue. 

“I forgive you.” 

The response was immediate, but it was no longer important. We were both measuring each other with our gazes. He had hunted recently; I could tell because his eyes were almost the color of honey. He was objectively attractive, even I could admit to that. Perhaps it was due to my knowledge of his obsessive and controlling personality that kept me from falling under the ‘charm’ I knew his kind had. He had done nothing as of yet to earn any sort of regard or affection, and without any sort of emotional connection with him, I found myself at a loss as to why Bella had been so incapacitated by his beauty. Maybe we were just built differently. 

We stared at each other, both assessing. Edward was looking at Bella with the frustrated curiosity described in the books.

“Thank you,” he finally responded. 

I nodded at him. “Are you going to biology today?”

“Would that be a problem?”

That was entirely dependent on him. “No. In fact, it may even be tolerable,” I replied, lip quirking as I walked past him in the direction of Building 2. The bell was letting me know I didn’t have a lot of time to dally, so Edward would just have to learn how to walk and put his foot in his mouth at the same time.

He was quick to follow, keeping pace with my long strides effortlessly, all while watching my face. “My name is Edward Cullen. I didn’t get a chance to introduce myself last week.”

I imitated a buzzer on a gameshow and crossed my arms so they made an ‘x’. “EH. Wrong, try again.” I gave him the side-eye.

He looked conflicted, but a reluctant smile curved his cheek slightly. “You aren’t making this easy,” he let me know. 

“Good. Something tells me you tend to get your way easily. Think of this as a refreshing change of pace.”

Alright, this was a bit snarkier than I’d intended on being when I’d recited this conversation in my head, but Edward’s presence proved to be a bit more grating than I’d anticipated, especially off the heels of the tension at lunch. When my patience went down, my sarcasm went up. I sighed inwardly. Such were the laws of the universe.

He said nothing as we made quick work of getting to the biology room. We both arrived just a bit later than we’d meant to, walking in just as Mr. Banner was starting his explanation of the lab. He turned to us with an unamused expression on his stubbled face. 

“Thank you for joining us, Mr. Cullen, Miss Swan,” Mr. Banner raised a brow at us, but me in particular. 

Just why did he think _I_ was the instigator? If you took away about 95% of the everything about me, I was a model student. Edward murmured an apology before making his way over to the lab desk we shared. 

“Sorry about that, Mr. Banner. Next time I’m late I’ll be sure to have either a better excuse or a worthwhile reason.” I smiled at him and adjusted the hold I had on my backpack.

“Best not to be late at all, Isabella,” he intoned, marking me off as tardy on his list without further adieu. 

I tsked in disappointment but paid it no real mind. Out of all the worries on my plate at the moment, school didn’t exactly make it into the top ten. My energy was better off put to work in other functions. 

I began walking to my seat, only then noticing the strange looks I was getting from the class; most notably the sour expression on Mike’s face. I ignored him completely and sat down at the desk. 

The other students were already working on the project. Something that involved a microscope and some slides. I grimaced. 

“Not a fan of biology?” asked Edward, raising a sardonic brow at me.

“I would say my biology prowess is at about the same level as your social skills,” I replied with a small quirk of my lips. 

“Mercy,” I barely heard him grumble under his breath as he reached for the first of the slides. It was loud enough so Bella’s human ears could hear, so I could only assume he had meant for me to hear it. 

He peeked inside and wrote ‘prophase’ down on the sheet provided to us while I quietly enjoyed my own personal mirth at his response. I stilled his hand when he went to remove the slide, grabbing the microscope and pulling it to me so I could look in and study it. He froze beneath my touch, not breathing. His hands might have been a bit chilly, but not much more than mine, so it didn’t bother me. 

I looked inside and observed, trying to figure out what I was looking at. I was a learn-by-doing type. So while Mr. Banner’s lecture would make a very little lasting impression on me, visuals and experiences would. I tried to commit it to memory. 

“Prophase, huh?” I hummed, hefting my hand up and down, palm up in a silent request for the next one. 

He handed it to me. His hand swept across mine as he did so. I pulled away from the scope, thinking as I removed the other slide. That hadn’t happened to Bella in the book. She had startled and Edward had begun to be very cautious of his cold, stony skin against hers. Had that changed because I hadn’t reacted? Had he been afraid Bella would be more aware of his differences when they were more apparent in canon? 

I slid the next slide in, leaving those thoughts for later. I studied it, then pulled back, looking at him. “They look the same,” I said, unamused. 

“May I?” he requested, gesturing for the microscope. 

“Go for it.”

He peeked in for just a fraction of a second before saying, “Anaphase” loud enough so that I could hear him. 

I compared the two slides. “What makes them different?”

“They look completely different; look again.” He advised, with all the confidence of a natural-born talent.

I looked again. “Right. Anaphase.” I said after a minute of incomprehension. 

He let out a quiet laugh. “You didn’t see any difference, did you?”

“Not a one.”

He nodded, still smiling. He looked first the next time, and I commandeered the sheet to record what he found in the slides as he looked at them. I was excellent at recording information. Hopefully, I wouldn’t have to do makeup lessons or anything, and Mr. Banner would just assume based on our working together and my handwriting on the sheet that I had also done something. Edward didn’t seem to mind, which was good because my guilt was already lurking in the back of my mind ready to destroy me as soon as I had a moment to myself. 

“Your handwriting is quite nice,” he remarked, looking at the sheet. 

I scoffed at the thought. “Try to convince me of that when my handwriting isn’t next to your’s next time.”

Frowning, he said. “I wasn’t trying to flatter you.”

“Then I thank you for the compliment,” I replied, setting down my pen and leaning back in my seat. 

Mr. Banner came to look over our shoulders and make sure we’d finished the assignment. “Your transcript said you were in AP biology, Isabella,” he smiled, looking down at the sheet approvingly. 

Fuck. My eyes were wide as I stared down that the desk with regret on my face. _What do I do?_ I was so glad Bella’s hair was shielding her face from Edward’s view.

I let out a loud laugh that probably drew more attention to me that I didn’t want. “Uhm, Mr. Banner, I think my transcript may have come in wrong,” I told him, letting my mouth curve into a humored smirk. 

He looked confused and a bit disappointed. “You haven’t taken an AP biology class?” he asked me. 

I could honestly answer firmly in the negative. “No, sir. But that would be funny.”

He gave a grim sort of smile. “Yes, well, that does make more sense come to think of it.”

I channeled my inner Alice and responded with as much cheer as I could muster. “Doesn’t it?”

I could feel Edward’s gaze boring into me. Mr. Banner left and I turned to my lab partner, looking at him in false confusion. “What?”

Instead of answering, Edward redirected the conversation. “So I hear from my sister that you like the snow.”

“ _‘Liked’_ ,” I emphasized. “It’s gone now.” I waved vaguely at the windows, unintentionally stirring the air with my hand. Edward stiffened and stilled. Whoops. I hadn't meant to do that. 

“I suppose you didn’t see a lot of it when you were in Phoenix,” he got out, studying the tabletop and tracing an indiscernible pattern into it as though to distract himself. 

I made a face. “Phoenix has one type of weather: _hot_.”

“And you dislike the heat,” he guessed.

_I also dislike people assuming things about me without actually trying to get to know me._ “Let’s just say we don’t get along.” Fire had always hated me and I'd always hated it right back.

He looked intrigued like I was some sort of puzzle he was trying to solve. I wouldn’t lie and say I didn’t enjoy attention like this, but I wasn’t sure yet if I enjoyed it from him. Up to this point, I’ve considered it threatening on one level or another. I was, however, glad to note that he seemed a bit farther away from eating me in his distraction, so I supposed it was a decent trade.

“Then Forks must come as a happy reprieve.”

I tilted my head back and forth. “Perhaps in some ways. Though I've found that this place is liable to make me forget what I _should_ be doing and in favor of what I _want_ to do, which are two very different things.”

“Why did you come here then?”

“Fate, God, the Universe, Manifestation—pick your poison.”

He looked fascinated. I stared back at him and didn’t look away. “And you lived with your mother before you came here.”

“I did,” I answered honestly with a wave of sadness.

He seemed to recognize it on my face. “You miss her,” he surmised. 

“I reckon that’s not an uncommon reaction,” I pointed out in an attempt to jostle his odd interest back to reality. I really wasn’t so different than other people as far as desires, motivations, and sentimentality went.

He sat back in his chair, crossing his arms over his chest and studying me, appraising. “You put on a good show,” he said slowly. 

“Thank you.”

He continued as though I hadn’t interrupted. “But I’d be willing to bet you’re suffering more than you let anyone see.”

_Story of my life._ I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. What more was there to say to that? I wasn’t about to admit to an assumption I knew would only prompt more questions. 

“Am I wrong?”

I narrowed my gaze at him, warning him without words to back off. 

“I didn’t think so,” he murmured smugly. 

My patience snapped, and I imagined myself snapping a pencil in half for dramatic effect. Ohp. And the bite to my bark was back in full force. I turned to face him more fully. “You have a rather nasty habit of assuming things about people without truly knowing anything about them,” I pointed out. 

“And you have a habit of answering without saying much of anything at all.”

“Call it a gift.”

He looked frustrated. “I find you difficult to read.”

“And I find you difficult to tolerate,” I responded, reflecting frustration back at him in equal measure. 

We glared mildly at each other, but I had ultimately gotten the last word in because Mr. Banner was beginning the second half of class which was a corresponding lecture. I turned away from him and took notes carefully in my biology notebook, Only pausing on occasion to continue sketching my little ice faeries or small illustrations to accompany whatever note I had just left. 

When the bell finally rang, I was grateful. I began packing away my items, thinking Edward would just stand up and leave as he had in the book. Instead, he bid me goodbye before he did.

“I may not know you very well yet, but I hope you will not keep me from trying to remedy that. I look forward to tomorrow, Bella.” He said, not giving me a chance to respond before he was up and out of the classroom. 

Mike quickly took his place, picking up my remaining book and handing it to me. I wasn’t sure why I found it mildly annoying. “That was awful,” he groaned. “They all looked exactly the same You’re lucky you had Cullen for a partner.”

“That’s one way of looking at it,” I snorted dismissively. 

He looked pleased at my response, which made my eyes want to roll right out of my head. I did _not_ that the patience or emotional bandwidth to deal with him today. 

“Cullen seemed friendly enough today,” he commented but didn’t sound overly happy about it. “I’ve never seen him talk to a classmate before.”

“Lucky me,” I grumbled, grabbing the handle at the top of my backpack and slinging the whole thing over one shoulder. I let out a put upon sigh. “If only Alice was my lab partner,” I said wistfully.

Mike looked taken aback. “Alice? Alice Cullen?”

“Yeah, what about it?” I asked, raising a brow at him. 

He swallowed. “You just sounded…” he laughed uncomfortably. “You sounded like you _preferred_ her for a second there.”

I lifted my unoccupied shoulder in a shrug. “She is a preferable individual. Jasper’s hella lucky to have her.”

Mike looked like he may have wanted to ask more but I turned and left before he had time to clarify. I wasn’t sure how tolerant I could depend on a small down to be. Even in 2020, I wouldn’t have felt comfortable with delving any more into the subject. 

_Let him assume what he likes. His opinion of me is of little interest to me in any case,_ I reminded myself. I needed to be careful not to be incapacitated by my desire to be well-liked. I was, unfortunately, a people pleaser. But my therapist and I had been working on that, so I used those exercises and tricks now to survive life in a public high school.

I mostly ignored him in Gym, even though I could tell he was trying to catch my eye, seeking reassurances I wouldn’t give him. Coach Clapp drilled us hard today, and I was glad because I’d needed it. I was thankful for the showers in the locker room too. The rain was a hazy sort of mist as I walked to the art building from the gym. 

Alice was there waiting for me with a paper towel. I smiled at her, taking it and patting my face and hands dry with it. “Thanks, Alice,” I said, gratefully. “How was your day?”

“It was good…” she said slowly before she hesitantly returned the question. “How was your day?”

I raised a brow at her. Did she not already know? “It was fine. Mostly. I was only rude to three people today, and I regretted at least two of them.”

As if a small dam had been broken, bell-like laughter burst out of her and her eyes twinkled merrily. “And was my brother one of the ones spared from your ire?” she teased as we took our seats in front of our easels.

“On the contrary, he got the privilege of enjoying it more than anyone else today.”

She shook her head at me fondly. “Oh Bella,” she sighed, but she was smiling so I didn’t think she minded.

Turned out, art class was just what I needed to get my mind off of everything. Mr. Rodriguez had used some props to set up a random combination of items we would draw from different angles, depending on where we stood, and I lost myself in the process of marking out the highlights with the eraser and blending the shadow into the mid-tone. Our easels and projects would be left where they were until tomorrow when we would return and finish our projects, but I was loathe to leave it. 

I groaned, prompting Alice to look at me as we were cleaning up. “A single our just isn’t enough time to reasonably create a finished project with a satisfactory outcome,” I explained. “Maybe I need to minimize my process.”

“Do not!” she gasped. “Your work is stunning. Slow and steady wins the race, Bella.”

I offered her a small, tired smile. “Thanks, Alice.”

“Anytime,” she replied breezily. “Do you have a ride for today?”

“Charlie’s coming to pick me up. He wants to talk about last night.”

“I thought you would be upset about that,” she observed. “What will he do?”

I hummed. “I’m not entirely sure. I’m interested in knowing as well. Will he ground me or give me a curfew or simply give me a warning? Will I feel compelled to accept his verdict because of his supposed guardianship over me or will I disregard it and chaff against his authority?”

She let out a small stream of laughter. “I like the way you make it sound. Like scientific research or something.”

It was, in a way. I wanted to know just how much Bella’s teenage hormones would still affect my ability to respond rationally. “Well, I’ll let you know how it goes.”

“Please do.”

Charlie was waiting right by the sidewalk for me, so I waved at Alice before I got into the cruiser. 

“Tell Jasper I said hi,” I called before I shut the door. She nodded and waved as we drove off. 

I noticed Edward was not waiting with Jasper when we passed him, which gave me an automatic sense of relief. I hoped that meant he was at home and not lurking around, following me and Charlie. 

Charlie put on his turn signal and we pulled out of the parking lot and onto the highway. He glanced over at me, apprehension on his face. “So, you going to tell me why you out last night?”

“Sure,” I agreed. “I was building a tiny little town out of snow. I knew it would melt before I had a chance to do anything with it if I waited until morning. I left you a note.”

He gave me a side glare. “I wasn’t home, Bella, so I never got your note.”

I grimaced. Honestly, that hadn’t even crossed my mind. At the time, I had been eager to get out of the house. I was beginning to feel like the walls were closing in. I hadn’t worried about what Charlie would think as an authority figure in Bella’s life because, in truth, I did not consider him to be one to _me_ ; and that barrier was causing the cracks in my facade to become more noticeable.

“Yikes,” I finally said. “I didn’t mean to make you worried.”

“Did anyone else know where you were?”

“You make a good point.”

He gritted his teeth. “What I’m asking is if you _met_ someone there.”

I blinked, then barked out a laugh. “You think I was hooking up with someone?”

He turned red, looking uncomfortable. “You weren’t?”

“No!” I chortled, lugging my backpack up onto my lap and dug out my biology notebook, flipping open the page of my sketches. “I was worldbuilding.”

He stopped the car in the driveway and turned to look at the pages, taking it from my hands. “Worldbuilding?”

“It’s a term for creating other worlds like in stories, movies, and video games. You think about anthropology and the architecture and the ecosystems to come up with something new and fantastical.” I explained. “Like Tolkien did with Lord of the Rings.”

Charlie was successfully sidetracked. “And what are these?” he pointed at my ice faeries. 

“Some kind of ice faerie that lives in the crevices of glaciers. They live off the minerals in the melted glacier water and build their comes in conal shapes in order to catch it as it melts.”

He was staring dumbfounded at it. “I didn’t know you could draw,” he ran his fingers across before I could warn him. “Ah—” he looked a bit horrified. “I smudged it.” He said remorsefully. 

“Not much; it’s not a big deal,” I assured him. “I don’t have any spray fixative so it’s still a raw sketch.”

“And the ‘town’ you made, the spiky one you were working on when I came to see if you were okay. That’s where they live?”

“Well, that’s kind of what their homes would look like if they were above ground,” I amended. 

He nodded. “But you weren’t meeting anyone,” he said, voice low with suspicion.

“Who would I have met?”

“I don’t know,” he said, flustered and on the defense. “Alice Cullen?”

This time, I didn’t hold back my laughter even a little. I couldn’t even speak for laughing so hard. It filled the cab of the car and washed over us, breaking the odd tension I'd felt just a moment before. Charlie was just staring at me mulishly and I had to wipe a stray tear away from my eye.

“You have no need to worry, chief,” I finally got out, coming down from my mirth. “I’m not exactly an attractive person, so even if she wasn’t head over heels in love with Jasper I wouldn’t even be on her radar. But that’s funny; you should do standup.”

He was still stuck on it. “If not her, then Mike Newton?”

That immediately banished my mirth and I made a sour expression. “Mike Newton is like an untrained dog. Annoying, needy, smelly, and lacking in the ability to follow basic instructions. If I wanted a pet, I would get a cat; at least that way I would have civilized company.”

Charlie grimaced. “That’s a bit harsh on the boy, don’t you think?”

“No, I do not. I’m not fond of people who think ‘no’ is an invitation for further attempts,” I informed him, curling my lip in disgust as I climbed out of the cruiser. 

“Has he been bothering you?” Charlie demanded, climbing out of the car with me. 

I smiled at him fondly. “You’re a good father,” I told him. I could tell it shocked him because he didn't follow up with any more questions. I hadn't said it to distract him. I had really meant it. But I wouldn't deny it was a happy coincidence. If Mike Newton insisted on continuing this obnoxious behavior, he would learn the hard way I wouldn't play around in an effort to protect his image. 

However, Mike Newton was not part of my concern at this moment. I had data to record and analyze and it had nothing to do with him and everything to do with a certain pantomath. Unfortunately, in my haste to get a grip on my new reality, I forgot about a very important event that would be taking place in the near future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDWARD HAS MADE HIS APPEARANCE (as promised except ✨late✨). Also, you may have noticed I'm not the biggest fan of Mike Newton. Sorry if he is one of your favorite characters...I don't plan to do anything radical with him except use him as a catalyst for Hallan's personal character growth, so no need to worry about any trigger warnings or sudden out of character violence.
> 
> Pantomath: A person who wants to know everything.
> 
> If you enjoyed this chapter, please consider leaving kudos and subscribe to see more! I'd also love to hear what you guys thought of this chapter. What could Hallan be forgetting???


	10. An Ocean of Mistakes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize in advance if there are any typos that I missed. Enjoy!

#  Chapter Nine: An Ocean of Mistakes 

Now that I had met Edward, I spent the evening stalker-safing my room. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t under any delusion that my measures would keep him out if he'd a mind to force his way in, but I didn’t want him snooping around my room and finding things I didn’t want him to see. 

During dinner with Charlie, I had remembered about the loose floorboard in Bella’s room where Edward hid Bella’s gifts from her once he left in New Moon. You know, like a horrible person. But that wasn’t the point. Edward didn’t know about the loose floorboard right now, and so it was a safe place to hide my sketchbooks filled with self-portraits. I didn’t want to raise questions with them, but it wasn’t a big deal if he found them. 

Conversely, if he found my journal, everything would come to light sooner than I wanted it to. I needed the control here. That journal was my leverage. My knowledge of what would happen and how to prevent it. As long as I was the keeper of something valuable, they couldn’t just get rid of me but they wouldn’t be able to leave me unattended either. It could be considered blackmail, yes, or maybe just capitalism where monetary gain was replaced with foresight and knowledge that even Alice didn’t have. 

If they learned about the future and then tried to prevent certain events from happening, it would destroy the timeline, and not only would I be left defenseless and without leverage, but I would be in the dark, unable to tell what could potentially happen. I wasn’t naive enough to think that nothing bad _could_ happen. In fact, I knew it would. I counted on it. 

As of this moment, my top concerns were James, Victoria, and Laurant, and the Volturi. Edward, was of course, on the list, but his hunger for human blood could not be compared to his insatiable thirst for knowledge. Knowledge I could give or withhold from him as I liked, depending on whether or not I hid the journal properly. 

With that in mind, I tipped the light-weight bed up and away from the white iron headboard, maneuvering it so I would be able to work easily. I only used the tip of the knife to poke a hole big enough that I could fit my scissors into and cut a small line across the middle, parallel to the edge of the mattress. The small journal was only about the size of my hand while it was closed, so it fit easily, nestled between two springs. It wouldn’t move. I did a simple whip stitch to keep the fluff inside and set the mattress back down, being sure to clean up the little bits of whatever was in the mattress from the floor. 

It wasn’t a moment too soon because Charlie came in to see if I needed a hand getting the mattress protector back on. I took him up on it because Bella’s body wasn’t very strong yet, and the mattress protector needed to be stretched pretty far across the bed in order to get it to fit. 

“Your room is pretty clean,” he noticed, looking around. “And are those the curtains from the garage?”

“Sorry,” I gave him a sheepish look. “I should have asked first. The other lace ones were a bit too see-through for my peace of mind.”

He looked at me, eyebrow raised. “You’re facing the forest, Bella. You afraid the deer will watch you while you change?”

“Or god forbid the raccoons.”

He just shook his head at me, a small grin on his face. “Still. I’ve never seen your room kept so nicely before.”

“It’s good for me to take care of my space. Makes me feel more human,” I told him. _Tidy space, tidy mind._ I sent a silent prayer to Marie Kondo and then a silent apology to Bella, wherever she was, for all the things I had removed from her room and stuck into the garage. What can I say? They didn’t spark joy. 

“Well, I don’t care as long as you keep your room clean.”

I sent a smile his way. “Then we’re on the same page.”

He was looking around when his eyes caught on the knife and he did a double-take. “Is that a knife?” he demanded. 

A tiny thread of panic rose in me. _Oh shit!_ I thought because I had forgotten. So I snorted. “No, chief, it’s a fork.”

He didn’t take the bait. “Bella why do you have a knife in here?” he looked very serious. 

My brain was going a mile a minute. “Because I don’t have an Exacto blade for my art project.”

His stern face morphed into confusion. “Why would you need a knife for an art project?”

“It’s going to be a collage piece. I can’t get the small pieces and the tiny corners well with the scissors, so you really need a blade to do it,” I explained, my heart rate calming and I formulated a good excuse. 

Charlie still didn’t look convinced. “What’s the collage going to be?”

“Ehh, it’s a bit experimental. I’ve been experimenting with textures in my art class with charcoal, and one of the exercises we’ve done is to draw without looking at our paper. It’s called blind contour drawing. The challenge is to create a blind contour self-portrait and then create a collage with the shapes and lines that you made in the contour drawing.”

The explanation came easily to me because it had been one of the first real projects I had done in my Drawing I class at the community college across the street from where I lived when I was nineteen. Charlie looked a bit lost. 

I sighed. “You know, I’d really love it if you would stop assuming the worst.”

Scratching the back of his head, he looked guilty. “Can you blame me? I’m not sure which side is up with you.”

“I understand that,” I said reasonably. “But assuming that I’m about to hurt myself or someone else as an automatic response to something like this isn’t helping the situation. I don’t consider myself a violent person. Do you?”

Looking ashamed he shook his head and scrubbed a hand over his face. “No, Bella, of course not. I’m a police chief. I’m trained to deal with the worst kinds of people. I guess at some point you just stop expecting to see the good.”

“Well, I’m not a suspect,” I pointed out. “I’ve committed no crimes or been a part of any trouble here in Forks or back in Arizona.”

“You’re right,” he conceded with a sigh. “You’re right.”

“So...maybe instead of jumping to the worst conclusion that will make me go on the defensive, we can just start with a non-threatening, rational conversation?” I suggested. 

“Sounds good, Bella. I’m uh...gonna go sleep now. I’m beat.”

“Alright. Sleep well.” I called after him. 

He shut my door as he left and I fell back against my bed, shutting my eyes tightly. Tears pricked at the back of my eye and I tried to keep myself from crying. Charlie wasn’t really at fault here. His thought process made sense. But I hated this because it felt all too familiar to something I’d been through before with my own parents. And it hurt. 

I didn’t sleep that night either. Coffee may taste like resentment and look like liquid depression but it got the job done the next morning when I came downstairs with all the energy of a dying sloth. Charlie left early and I took that to meant that he wanted some space. He left me a note on the kitchen counter letting me know he’d pick me up after school since it was icy out and didn’t want any teenagers attempting to drive me home. I was a bit worried about how to interact with him later. Drawing boundaries was important, but it could also be very awkward.

I couldn’t be bothered to do much that morning in the way of hair. I just brushed, scrunched, and called it good. Bella’s hair had been shorter in the book, but I guess she’d cut it right before she left because her hair brushed against my low back. I’d always toyed with the idea of growing my hair out this long, but I’d never had the patience to allow it to do so because I liked frequent change. If I felt my hair was too boring, I’d do something like bleach, cut, or dye it just to enjoy the feeling of looking different, even if the only people who saw me were my parents and my doctors. Hair was one of the few things I could control in my daily life and it was to be taken advantage of when I had the energy. 

It took a _lot_ of concealer and foundation to get rid of the dark purple rings beneath my eyes because unlike the Cullens, they didn’t look good on Bella’s very human face. Adding a good layer of glossy chapstick at the end, I stared at her reflection in the mirror. I liked that I could use makeup to make her look like...well, not her. Because I wasn’t Bella Swan, and this was an excellent way to express my need to be recognized apart from her identity without outright talking about it. 

The grey-green light filtered through the canopy of the forest, and it looked so utterly inviting, I almost decided not to go to school. But I felt like I was on thin ice with Charlie’s leniency at the moment, so I decided not to push it. 

Speaking of thin ice, I could detect a noticeable sheen on the ground. I was thankful for the cool, brisk walk to school. The ice didn’t deter me. I simply opted to walk on the crunchy grass beside the sidewalk instead. My little jaunt helped me to clear my head and center myself. It seemed to me like I was walking into a battlezone whenever I went to school. Edward was now in everyone’s head, probably keeping an eye on me. The only thing I could do about that was not to say or do anything I wouldn’t want him to know about. I had to hold myself back, and it took a lot of conscious effort. 

I knew that Jessica would notice. We’d been getting closer over the past week. Hell, even Lauren might notice. I needed to play my hand close to the chest and I couldn’t forget that. It was easy to lose track of my goals when Edward was gone. I could relax and have fun and seek out new experiences. With him back, watching every move I made, I felt almost like I was being followed by hidden cameras, being narrated by people I didn’t know well who would cast me in whatever light they saw me in. 

I stepped into the parking lot well after the other students had arrived. I was later than I’d ever been to school. Generally attempting to arrive earlier than everyone else had its definite perks, such as speaking to Ms. Cope and the teachers and learning all the little crevices, crannies, and nooks to be found around campus. They were good for hiding in, hiding _things_ in, or perhaps hiding _people_ in. I hadn’t quite decided what I would do with all of them yet, but even just the thought of it had my mood lifting considerably. 

_Maybe I should spend lunch on the rooftop,_ I thought, excited at the prospect. While the access was off-limits to students, I had found a way to get up thanks to a large dumpster and a few unlikely handholds. _At least it should spare me from an awkward lunch with Lauren and co._ And perhaps if I were careful, I would be able to spend an hour uninterrupted by Edward. Although, I didn't want to avoid Lauren because really, her behavior yesterday had been making more than myself uncomfortable, and I wasn't wrong for noticing it. I wasn't about to make her feel like I could be intimidated into going along with whatever she was doing. 

“Bella!” Jessica called, waving to me from where she stood beside her car. She had just gotten out. 

I jogged over to meet her, having to slow down a bit when I got on the pavement. While the ice didn’t really give me any trouble, it was ingrained in me to be wary of falling. I had a lot of experience with it. 

“Hey, Jess,” I greeted as I reached her. 

“Hi,” Jess smiled as she locked her car and grabbed hold of the straps of her backpack. “Are you feeling any better today?” she inquired. 

“A little,” I responded. “Sorry about lunch.”

She waved me off with a little laugh. “Don’t apologize. It was funny and it was true. We were all more surprised when you left. Lauren most of all I think.”

“Yeah, well, I wasn’t in a great mood and I didn’t want to bring the vibe down any farther than I already had,” I said sheepishly, reaching back to fluff my hair and enjoying the feel of it through my fingers. 

“Aren’t you cold?” she wondered, looking dubiously at my lack of winter attire.

I shrugged. “Not really. I have a bunch of layers on underneath.”

“That’s good. Your skin is always freezing!” she complained. 

The irony made me smirk.

“So, you gonna tell me why Edward Cullen followed you out and why you both showed up late to biology?” she asked conspiratorially. 

I groaned. “Let me guess, the entire school is talking about it. Come on, out with it. What’s the worst.”

She tipped her head and began listing things off on her fingers. “Well, we have possible enemies to lovers story in the making, you bullying Edward, and of course the other rumor is that you two had sex.”

I laughed, loudly. “Those are awful!” I grinned. “Oh, gosh, everyone is so creative.” I clapped in appreciation for the free entertainment.

“So no enemies to lovers tale?” her face held a mixture of relief and disappointment.

“Sorry to disappoint.”

“And you aren’t bullying Edward into doing your biology homework?”

That had me snickering again. “No, but that’s really funny that anyone thinks that is a possibility.”

“And your sure you didn’t have sex with him.”

I drew my eyebrows together, still smiling. “I think I’d remember if I had sex. Also, who would want to have sex outside on a high school campus? Gross. Do you even know how many germs are around here? Every time I get home I have to shower and throw my things into the laundry, and then sanitize everything I’ve touched during the day.”

“Yikes, Bella. I didn’t realize you were such a clean freak.” She shook her head at me in mock condescension.

“Yeah well—”

I stopped suddenly when I heard the most ungodly screeching sound. I came to three conclusions all at once. One, that I had forgotten about this very important scene. Two, that this was not how it had gone in the book. And three, that Jessica’s death would be on my hands if I didn’t do something. 

I didn’t think. I just acted. I grabbed Jessica by her biceps, looking straight into her horrified expression as Tyler’s blue van flew towards us, sliding on the slippery ice. I used what little leverage I had to hurl her onto the hood of her car. I could feel Bella’s weak body straining to do it, using every single bit of strength to accomplish the feat. I had just enough time to see her roll, perhaps with enough force to send her off the other side, but after that, my vision blurred and my body was pulled into motion. 

What had happened in those few seconds filtered into my mind slowly as I stared out blindly in the direction of the sky. A cold grip had curled around my left forearm just as I had released Jessica, and it had yanked me from where I stood onto the grass in front of Jessica’s little beat-up sedan. I heard the screech and crunch of metal as the two vehicles collided, but my gaze was unfocused and my vision was completely dark, a shadowy nothingness that I knew all too well to be pre-syncope. 

My ears were ringing so loudly and I almost felt like I could feel every single blood cell rushing through my body. I had the distinct sensation that I was sitting at the end of a very long tunnel in the dark. I could sort of hear what was happening, but I couldn’t see or feel any of it. It was such an odd form of awareness, but it was one I was familiar with from my experiences in my own body, so I knew how to keep others from being alarmed or tipped off to something being wrong. 

“Bella, are you alright?” Edward asked, voice low and frantic. He was cradling my arm, the one he had pulled on to drag me out of harm’s way, and my head at the same time.

I closed my eyes because I knew it would scare him if I was unable to make eye contact with him. “I’m fine,” I assured him, attempting to sit up. 

Edward couldn’t hold me down because he was too busy holding my head and my arm, so I succeeded. 

“Be careful,” he warned me, adjusting his lightly hold on me so he was supporting me now. “I think your hurt pretty badly.”

I paused, opening my eyes, and staring at the ground. I could kind of see it now. A vague, fuzzy greyish-green with white blurs across it. Grass with a light dusting of snowy frost. I assessed my body to see if his words were true. “No,” I said finally. “As far as I can tell I’ve only dislocated my left shoulder and pulled a few muscles in my left arm. I did not hit my head.” I asserted, just to be on record about it. 

“Can you look at me?” he requested, gently, like he was talking to a frightened animal. 

And maybe he was, because this state, this shadowy world was so familiar to me. The pain in my shoulder and arm, I knew it all. I hardened myself and drew on my sense of familiarity with the sensations to ground me. Pain could ground me. It’s how I knew all of this was real. And as scary as that thought was, it helped to sharpen my focus.

I brought my eyes to his and determinedly focused on the honey-colored pools I could see in my vision. I did my best to keep them from wandering or flicking. That would tip him off to something being wrong. I had done this a few times with my neurologist in an attempt to move on with my treatments. But Edward wasn’t human. He would notice if I made even one tiny mistake. Though, I knew I could do nothing to change the sizes of my pupils or how they were reacting. After I felt I had stared into his eyes for a logical amount of time for him to assess my well-being, I looked down in the direction of my arm. 

“Don’t look,” he advised, moving as if he meant to keep me from seeing it. 

“I’m no fainting flower, Edward. Help me stand,” I ordered. 

I slowly became aware of the noise around us. “Bella, oh my god!” Jessica was crying, her words chopped off by a frightened sob. She rushed to my side, falling to her knees next to where I was sitting. 

“Jessica, stop crying and let me know if are you okay,” I told her, sternly. I needed to remain in control of this situation, show them I was of sound mind and could be trusted to make medical decisions for myself. I was in perfect control of all my faculties. 

“What? I’m fine, but your shoulder—” she broke off and made a small sound somewhere between distress and horror but it was over-ridden by a sudden gag she couldn’t hide. It was her honest reaction, and I couldn’t fault her for it. But I was used to this. This was what I dealt with every day with my condition back in my old body. “Something's wrong; oh my god,” she was sobbing again. She was going to dissolve into a panic attack from the situation. “I’m so sorry, Bella, your arm looks like it’s—”

“Jessica, I promise everything will be fine. I swear. I just need you to take some deep breaths, okay? I’m going to make everything better.” I soothed her, repeating words that had been spoken to me long ago. “Edward, help me stand.”

“I don’t think this is a good idea,” he said, wrapping a cool arm around my waist and gently steadying me while I got feeling back into my legs. Syncope was a bitch.

“Noted,” I replied shortly. My patience for words had left. I had spent them all on Jessica. “Don’t touch me while I do this.” 

“While you do what?” he asked, but stepped a bit away just as I’d wished. He kept his arms outstretched to catch me if I needed it. 

My vision was almost completely clear now and so was my mind. I didn’t have much time left. I could hear the sirens. They were getting closer and I’d be damned if I let Charlie see his kid this way. 

“Someone get Tyler out of the van!” I heard someone call. I tried to block out the sound as a small crowd approached to ogle over my arm. I hated having an audience. This moment wasn’t theirs to share. I didn’t need anyone to see. But there was nothing I could do to stop them. As if reading my mind, suddenly Alice and Jasper were standing in front of me, shielding me from view.

Alice nodded at me. “It’s okay, Bella. Edward, she’s going to be fine. Don’t do anything.”

“Thanks,” I said quietly, drawing back from what was happening around me to focus on my body. 

It was a bad dislocation. I knew that. But I also knew I could fix it. I ignored the sound of a few people’s distress and revulsion as they sought to catch sight of me, regardless of the obvious desire for privacy, but their muttering grated on my nerves. I got into position. I let gravity assert itself on that arm, leaning slightly left so the pull was a little greater. It hung limply. I heard someone gag but I didn’t take offense. Their horrific morning was my everyday reality. Or used to be. Not everyone had to have an iron stomach. I certainly hadn’t the first time it’d happened, so I couldn't judge them for it. 

I leaned my body left and back, continuing this circle-like motion until I had come back to center, standing straight and no longer leaning. There had been a small pop as a tendon rolled over part of the bone so far, but I'd paid it no mind. I could feel the pull and the strain in the connecting muscles across my chest and down my arm and back. I let my body feel it. Now, standing straight, the ball was just on the edge of the socket. Almost there.

Taking a deep breath through my nose, I closed my eyes. Then I exhaled as I tipped my torso forward just slightly. I knew I had gotten it right as I heard the loud popping sound of the ball joint sinking back into its socket. I did not allow my face to cringe with pain or twist in distress. I breathed through the muscle spasms and relaxed into it, unaware for this moment of anything that was happening around me. 

At some point, you just had to stop fighting the pain and recognize it as a part of you. I don’t remember how old I was when I became my pain. I still wasn’t sure if I had lost or found myself in that revelation.

“Bella?” Alice asked, tentatively. 

I opened my eyes and offered her a smile. It felt more tired than I’d like it to be. “See?” I said, maybe to Edward, maybe to Jessica, maybe to myself. “I’m fine.”

Alice didn’t look fine. She looked tortured. And I knew why. I gave her a look and cupped her cold face. If she could have had tears, I knew they’d be running down her face at this moment.

“Alice,” I reprimanded softly. 

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, her voice hoarse with emotion. She repeated the words. I had to let go over her jaw because she came and pressed her face into my uninjured shoulder, so I wrapped it around her shoulders instead. Over and over again, she apologized.

“Stop it,” I clutched her a bit more tightly, resting my chin on her head and probably ruining her spikey little pixie hair.

“I almost lost you, Bella!” she shook me lightly with her grip on my jacket where her little hands were fisted. Pain radiation from my arm, shoulder, and back, but I paid it no mind.

“This wasn’t something you could have stopped,” I reminded her, using vague enough language that I could still claim plausible deniability. 

She just shook her head, obviously disagreeing. Edward made a sound, likely speaking too quickly for me to hear, and she turned her head to glare at him. I petted her to calm her, wondering what Jasper was thinking that would make Edward look at him oddly.

“Why did you do something so stupid?” Jessica asked. I hadn’t even realized she was still beside me. 

“Putting my shoulder back? I really wasn’t worried about it.”

“No, you idiot!” she shouted through her tears. “If you had time to throw me over my goddamn car then you had time to get away, you _idiot,_ ” her voice broke on the last word, and she collapsed in her sobs. 

I released Alice and bent down to comfort her. “I didn’t think about it that deeply, Jess,” I confessed. “We were in danger. I acted on my instinct.”

She looked up at me, confused and strangely hurt. “You liar! Your instinct should have told you to leap away to safety, not throw someone else over a car. You did think about it and you chose the option where you were the one hurt or even killed!”

“Edward pulled me out of the way,” I reminded. “Neither one of us got hurt or died in this accident.” Hell, for all I knew, I was already dead.

She shook her head vehemently, groaning in pain. “Neither one of us even knew he was _there_ , Bella.”

“I knew.” That wasn’t a lie. I had known that in this scene, Edward saved Bella. And I was starting to understand fate was a harder thing to escape in this world than I’d initially thought. Events would still come to pass, even if they came out of order, like getting the truck late.

“You liar!” she choked out but swayed with nausea. Had I thrown her too hard? Had she hit her head?

The ambulance was there. So was Charlie. Everything was moving so fast. I stiffened when the EMTs came running up to us. I tried to direct them towards Jess, saying that she’d been bruised pretty badly and may have hit her head. They were insistent. God, there were so many of them. I could feel my anxiety reaching astronomical levels as they swarmed around me like bees. I wanted to leave. I wanted to melt away into the crowd. I wanted to disappear. I didn’t want them to take me in an ambulance. The crowd was too big. The noise was overwhelming. Everyone was saying her name. Their hands were on me. 

_Bella!_

_Bella!_

_Are you alright?_

_Did you hit your head?_

_Bella!_

**_That’s not my name._ **

_Bella, look at me. Can you look at my finger?_

_Bella, is something wrong?_

_Bella?_

_Bella?_

_Bella?_

**_Stop calling me that_** _._

_Okay, Bella? We’re going to take you to the hospital._

**_Don’t take me there._ **

_Can you tell me how many fingers I’m holding up, Bella?_

**_There’re too many of you here._ **

_Bella, wh_ _at is your date of birth?_

**_What was that?_ **

_Bella, are_ _you sure you didn’t hit your head?_

**_Please stop asking me that._ **

_Are you allergic to any medication, Bella?_

**_Stop talking to me, I can’t think._ **

_Does it hurt when I press here? How about here. Bella?_

**_Shut up._** **_Don’t look at me. Please don’t look at me. Don't touch me. Just don't touch me._**

_On a scale of one to ten…_

**_Shut up_ **

**_Shut up_ **

**_Shut up_ **

**_Shut up_ **

**_Shut up_ **

**_Shut up_ **

I wanted to clutch my head. I wanted to scream. But instead, I sat very still and didn’t say anything. Panic had its scorching grip around my throat. It curled around my skull and sent heat throughout my mind. 

But then, I was swallowed by an oceanic wave of calm. My senses dulled. I was underwater, safe, and lulled by the gentle current. I embraced it. I wished I could drown myself in it so I could never be free of the calm’s icy waters.

“Thanks, Jasper,” I murmured, my words sounded quiet and far away to my own ears. I had meant to think them, but now they were floating in this ocean around me, so I supposed I must have said them out loud. 

It wasn’t until I was sitting in the ambulance, watching out the back window that my mind cleared enough to realize I had left the vampires frozen in place. Except, one of them wasn’t frozen, instead, turning towards me as I left. Jasper’s confused eyes were focused on mine as the ambulance pulled away, and he was holding his left shoulder. I had just made a huge mistake, and I had no idea if I could fix it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Please do not attempt to fix a dislocation on your own. If you find yourself with a dislocation, either call 911 or go to the ER immediately. 
> 
> Presyncope: Occurs when a person almost but doesn't actually lose consciousness, due to reduced flow of oxygenated blood to the brain. These episodes can include tinnitus, narrowed or tunnel vision, blurry vision, dizziness, vertigo, and lightheadedness.
> 
> Does anyone have any suspicions about what Hallan suffered from when she was in her own body?


	11. Reason to Suspect

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh...this chapter is coming out late. Sorry about that. I had an MRI early last week and couldn't speak for like two days after, then I was exhausted due to overstimulation at a thanksgiving event I didn't want to be at and slept for like 18 hours, and after that I looked at this chapter, scrapped it, wrote it again, and then made my friend read it because the longer I stared at it the more I disliked it. It's been through the ringer. 
> 
> Anyways! Hope you like it~
> 
> CHAPTER SPECIFIC TRIGGER WARNING: There is a scene at the beginning of this chapter where Hallan/Bella has an IV placed. It's based on my personal experiences with needle-phobia. Some readers may find it disturbing, but I tried not to make it too graphic.

#  Chapter Ten: Reason to Suspect 

Alright. Yup. The panic had officially set in. Now the trick was to wedge it in there a little deeper so that I could bury it with distractions until I had the time and cognitive capability to think through the very serious, plot altering ramifications of what I’d just done. It was almost working, but distractions were too weak. I could still see the panic pulsing brightly from underneath. Maybe some extra trauma would help?

The EMT prepped the needle for my IV. 

Yup. That’d do it. 

“Okay, Isabella,” she said, smiling at me. “We’re going to need to put an IV in.”

“Why?” I asked, suspicious. 

She gave me a look. “You are severely dehydrated and I’d bet money on the fact that you’re malnourished.”

“I’m not going to the hospital because I’m thirsty or tired, I’m going to get my shoulder x-rayed,” I reminded her, trying not to let my anxiety show. I didn’t think she was fooled. 

“Your body needs nutrients and fluids to heal,” she scolded. “Now, let’s see those veins.”

“I’ll need to be lying down because I'm a fainter and it would be great if we could use a heat compress to bring the vein up. Also, last time I got my blood drawn, I was told to request a butterfly IV when one needed to be placed.”

“This is the smallest we have on deck.”

I swallowed around the lump in my throat. Somehow that didn't make me feel any better. She shook up one of those emergency hand warmers you took camping with you and handed it to me. 

“Normally, I’d check the veins in both arms, but if the doctors have to reset your shoulder, we’d have to remove the IV and put it in your other arm anyways,” she told me, gently taking hold of my right arm. She probed at the veins with warm fingers. “Put the heat on it and lay down.”

I did as I was told, focusing on keeping my face blank. “Just don’t count down,” I warned her. If I knew when it was coming I would try to avoid it. 

God, I’d been stupid. So, so stupid. How had I managed to forget when this event would take place? I might have been better prepared for it, but I’d have sworn that it wouldn’t happen for a few days after Edward’s return. Rushing much, Smeyers? 

The woman removed the warm pack and I stiffened unintentionally. “I don’t like this,” I said, unnecessarily. She wrapped the rubber band thing around my upper arm and pressed on the veins again.

“I’m aware. Thank you for allowing me to do this.”

Wait, I could have declined?

Jasper’s ocean of calm had officially let the tide out and my anxiety was now on the loose, running rampant. I lay there, stock still and stoic, trying not to show how bereft I was feeling without that blanket of calm. The thought had my brow creasing. Something just wasn't sitting right with me about it. But I didn't have time to think on it now so I smoothed out my expression, breathing through the insertion and biting the tip of my tongue as a sharp stinging sensation made itself known in my right inner-elbow. It burned and pulled. The familiar sensation made me clench my teeth against my fight or flight response. Maybe I wasn't as brave as I thought I was.

I shuddered, unable to control my reaction. I didn’t want this event to be anything that stood out enough in the EMTs’ minds so much that Edward would be able to see it and a panic attack would definitely stand out. No way in hell was I letting him see that. 

The EMT shifted and the rubber band came away with a small snap. “Alright, it’s in.”

I still didn’t open my eyes, just continued to breathe through my nose. My brows drew together as nausea rose up inside of me at the thought of having a port in my body. Small though it was, it was still terrifying. They could put anything in there. How would I know what it was? What sort of self-advocacy could I even use as a minor? Would Charlie respect my wishes as a patient? If they thought I was too anxious, would they try to give me anti-anxiety medication through the port? I hated that stuff. I could never think clearly; all it did was put a hazy layer of fog around my thoughts.

“And you are completely positive you didn’t hit your head?” I was asked, for perhaps the twentieth time. 

I opened my eyes and could help the glare I shot her. “I’m one-hundred-percent without-a-doubt completely sure that I did not hit my head.”

She nodded, writing it down again. The last time I had been interrogated so obnoxiously had been when I’d been applying for disability. It had been a mandatory physical exam. The doctor had treated me like I was lying about my condition from the moment I made contact with him. He hadn’t believed me when I told him I couldn’t walk or stand and had even tried to separate me from my caregiver during the exam. I was thankful my mom had put her foot down then, citing the American’s with Disabilities Act in order to maintain my right to have her accompany me. 

I was thankful she did. He’d asked me questions about my medical history over and over again, occasionally switching up the positives and negatives like he was looking for me to slip up. Who the hell did that to a patient with a history of memory loss and brain damage?

Charlie provided police escort for my vehicle the entire way, not following Tyler’s when they turned their lights and sirens on and drove above the speed limit. I doubted Jessica would be taken to the hospital. Urgent care would probably be more helpful to her. I may have injured her when I’d thrown her over her car.

When we arrived the EMTs handed me off to other hospital personnel to take me into the emergency room. I was able to escape the gurney, but they insisted on the wheelchair. Apparently, they thought the adrenaline would leave my body soon and I might collapse. I hadn’t hit my head yet, but I might if that happened. Sitting in the huge blue chair was a familiar sensation, but thankfully, not a triggering one. I still hated being pushed by anyone but my parents, but intellectually, I understood that was just my trust issues talking and that these people pushed these chairs all day long. They weren’t likely to suddenly swerve or decide that running or halting abruptly would be fun. 

I was placed in the emergency room, a long room with curtained-off areas to separate the beds from one another. I patiently sat through the pressure cuff, thermometer, and pulse measure. Again. 

I heard Tyler entering before I saw him. He was groaning and talking quickly. “I didn’t mean to hurt anyone! The ice was just so slick. Oh my god, Bella and Jessica were almost killed,” he was speaking too fast, nearly hyperventilating. He was probably scared someone would press charges. As annoyed as I was to be in this situation, I couldn't say the thought hadn't been considered.

“Tyler, I’m going to need to you calm down. Everyone is okay,” someone said, probably a nurse. “We’re going to make sure everyone recovers and you can apologize to them when you’re all fixed up, okay?” 

I sort of felt bad for the guy. I knew from the books that he’d been reckless in this scene, not seeming to understand the importance of precaution, so my automatic response to him was irritation. I just couldn’t understand the concept of not thinking things through. But my compassion warred with those feelings. Or maybe it was my sense of duty leading me to feel compassion, since it was something I hoped that everyone would show one another, regardless of their differences. 

“Bella!” he caught sight of me sitting on the bed. “I’m so sorry!”

I just nodded at him because I couldn’t move either arm. “I’ll be fine, Tyler. Just take precautions next time. What about you? You look more banged up than any of us. Did you break anything?”

He completely ignored me. “I thought I was about to kill both of you! I was going too fast and I hit the ice wrong and—” he winced when a nurse began to dab at his face. 

“Well, you didn’t. Jess and I are fine. Mostly.”

Tyler’s eyes focused on me, a bit of awe and confusion on his face. “I saw what you did. You were so fast! One minute you saw the car and the next you just sort of—” he waved on arm around. “ _Threw_ Jessica out of the way.”

_This dude had better not develop some sort of hero-worship complex about me,_ I thought to myself. _I don’t have the energy or brain bandwidth to put effort into avoiding him at school._

Tyler was speaking again. “How did you even do that? You’re so tiny!”

I shrugged. “Some combination of leverage, desperation, and adrenaline would be my best guess.”

“Are you some sort of martial artist?”

No, no, and no. I snorted. “Whatever the opposite of that is is what I am. I only run when I’m being chased.” But that would be cool, though.

“You didn’t run this time,” Tyler pointed out, missing my point entirely.

I really wish people would stop fixating on that point. It wasn't important. “Didn’t have to. Edward was nearby and just so happened to pop my shoulder out of its socket and in the midst of all that, I happened to be pulled out of the way at the same time. Happy coincidence.” For every part of me except my humerus and glenohumeral joint. Other than that I was pretty okay.

Tyler didn’t appear to know what to do with that. Whatever. I thought I was funny. “I didn’t see him there,” he commented.

I waved away the words like they were pesky flies. Semantics. “He was around. Probably still is.”

“Bella, I’m going to take you off to get your shoulder x-rayed, is that okay?” asked my nurse, helpfully interrupting this dead-end conversation. 

“If it can’t be avoided.”

The nurse sighed. “I can just tell you’re going to be cooperative.”

“But of course,” I gave her my signature grin to hide the anxiety sitting like a rock in my stomach. “I’m an excellent patient.” I could never rationalize this particular fear that if I was looked at closely enough, I would be diagnosed with yet another problem.

She chuckled at me and shook her head as she wheeled me away. I wasn’t unfamiliar with the process. I knew it wasn’t going to be comfortable with how fragile my arm felt right at this moment, but out of all the things they could do to me it wasn’t the worst. They could want an MRI and then I would have no choice but to make a scene. 

The x-ray was exactly what I expected it to be. They were careful as they positioned my arm, but because it had already been set, they hadn't required a doctor to look at it prior to the pictures. I clenched my teeth against the twinging pain, breathing through it noiselessly from where I lay, sprawled awkwardly on the table. It gave me time to think about the ocean of calm and the horrible feeling of coming down from it. The headache, the panic, the anxiety, and the depression lurking just out of sight. These were a lot of the symptoms I'd been dealing with all weak, and I had a lot of thoughts about that. I knew it couldn't all be from Jasper's influence, but it got me wondering just how much was because of it?

As soon as the radiologist was finished taking the pictures, my nurse came back in to help me into my wheelchair. She insisted I ride in the wheelchair on the way back even if I felt like I could walk. I'd never admit that I was just a bit grateful. Walking and analyzing was multitasking, and multitasking wasn't something I could do. 

“Any way you could spring me?” I asked. I was only half-joking.

“Not until you see the doctor,” she responded firmly, but not unkindly.

I tsked. “Shame.”

“Is your right arm hurt as well?” she asked, noticing how I tried not to move either arm. 

“Hmm? No. It’s just out of order.” I nodded down at the IV.

“You should be able to move your arm even when you have an IV in.”

I shook my head. “No, it’s dead to me now,” I explained. “Completely useless until it comes out.”

She seemed amused by that. “Alright, let’s get you back up on the table. Oh! You have visitors.”

Visitors in the emergency room? Oh, I knew exactly who it was. “Edward,” I greeted neutrally before I looked in his direction. My eyes caught on the raven-haired pixie in the room instead. “Oh! And Alice! Hello,” I said, considerably more cheerful. 

Edward was frowning, looking troubled, eyes drilling into me. Alice was much more cheery, sitting on the end of my bed, legs swinging back and forth. 

“Hi, Bella,” she greeted with a bright smile, but her eyes were assessing. 

Odd, because she’d been in such a good mood before I’d left. Honestly, I didn’t have time to speculate. They were here and I had royally messed up. They knew that I knew something and that could either be a very dangerous place for me or the best place I could possibly be. I would have to test and see if I could work it to my advantage. Later. After this event was over with. 

“Edward is here?” I heard Tyler from behind the curtain I’d made sure stayed closed. “I’m so sorry, I—”

“No blood, no foul,” replied Edward with a small smirk for Alice’s benefit. 

Why did that line annoy me? Was I being too harsh on him? Maybe. But I couldn’t help my general disdain for the lack of boundaries he’d exhibited throughout the series. The thought that he may try to push on mine made me feel defensive and vulnerable, which, in turn, made me irritable and sarcastic. A wonderful combination. 

“So what’s the verdict?” he asked, eyes coming back to rest on me with that same intensity I was becoming accustomed to while _graced_ with his presence. 

I shrugged. “They only just took the pictures. The radiologist likely hasn’t even consulted with the doctor yet.”

He gestured to where my right arm lay limply in my lap. “They put a port in,” he observed. 

I gave a shrug. “I was dehydrated. They were worried. Honestly, I just want to get back to Charlie’s.”

His brows creased and his lips pursed. 

Alice jumped into the conversation. “Don’t worry, Bella. Carlisle is about to come in.”

As if cued, the man did appear. It was my first time ever laying eyes on Carlisle before. He seemed young, though not startlingly so. In fact, his face seemed to be shaped and weathered regardless of his vampiric nature. I could only assume it had to do with the era and hardships he had grown up as a human in. He looked tired and had deep, dark circles under his eyes, but he looked kind and attentive all the same. He was expressive. I liked it. 

“Hello, Miss Swan,” he said in a smooth, clear tone. “How are you feeling.”

“My shoulder is a bit sore, twinges when the muscles spasm, and some oncoming inflammation.” I relayed the information easily as I assessed it. “I am somewhat irritable and a good bit exhausted but otherwise unmarred.”

A humored smile graced his lips. “Is that so?” his eyes twinkled. “Well, I can tell you that you did a good job of resetting the dislocation. My children mentioned that you did it yourself.”

I nodded, rolling my eyes at the both of them to show them I wasn’t amused with their meddling. “That’s right.”

“May I?” he asked, approaching my injured shoulder. 

I nodded the go-ahead, keeping my face neutral as his chilly fingers felt around the bones and tendons from over my shirt. 

“Tender anywhere?” 

Shrugging my right shoulder, I quirked my eyebrows. “Meh. It’ll be sore for a few days, but as long as I'm careful not to let it go stiff, I shouldn’t need any sort of physical therapy.” I said, firmly, because I didn’t want him to assume I needed to see yet _another_ doctor. 

He looked at me in question. “Are dislocations common for you?”

Thinking fast, I replied without pause. “I’m a clumsy person.”

Edward made a face like he tasted something sour and Alice snorted. Obviously she didn’t believe me. Carlisle turned away from me to mark something off on his chart and I gave her my best wide-eyed ‘zip it!’ look. She pursed her lips but didn’t say anything. I had a feeling Carlisle wasn’t going to believe a word I said with the two of them in here. I should kick them out. 

“Well, since the x-rays came back clean and you seem to know the drill, I’d say it’s safe to let you go. Provided you make sure you rest properly.”

I nodded and assured him quickly. “I’ll do the RICE protocol.” Rest, ice, compression elevation. 

“Then you’re free to go home with your father. He’s in the waiting room. If this happens again, come to the emergency room and have a _doctor_ set it for you.”

I gave him my best smile and nodded as I thought, _Sure, doc. I’ll do that. One-hundred-percent._

As if Carlisle could read my thoughts, he sighed and shook his head, giving me a strange look. “Take Tylenol for the pain.”

_Absolutely. Without a doubt._

“Thank you, doctor.”

With one last smile, he turned his attention to Tyler in the next room. “I’m afraid that _you_ will have to stay with us just a little bit longer…”

The nurse came in and removed the IV quickly. I hopped out of my chair, pressing the cotton ball to my arm. “And with that, I’m out.” I declared. “See you guys at school,” I winked, tongue between my teeth as I gleefully made my escape. 

“Wait!” Alice called. I wasn’t surprised Edward wasn’t with her. He was likely still reeling from having my IV taken out. Bella didn’t seem like she bled a lot, but I imagine any amount was enough to test his will to the max. 

I didn’t stop walking, but I did turn to her and smile. “Yeah?”

“Can we talk?” she asked. 

My brow line creased. I remembered this scene happening differently. No matter. This was to my advantage. For now. I paused outside the wing, not ready to go into the main waiting area yet where everyone would be crowded, waiting for news. 

“What’s up?” I asked leaning against the wall out of habit.

She bit her lip, looking conflicted. She glanced around as if to see if anyone was nearby enough to hear. People, nurses, and faculty walked back and forth but no one paid them any attention. 

“How did you know?”

I knew, but I asked anyway. “About what?”

Her face fell into a little scowl. “About Jasper!” she yelled in a whisper. It ended up sounding more like a hiss than she might have meant it to.

I had two options here. I could easily pass it off, or I could go on an entirely new track with this plot. “You're talking about this morning,” I surmised. “The better question is how _wouldn’t_ I know, Alice. I’m very attuned to people.” It wasn’t a lie, and truths, around vampires, tended to be the fastest bet as they were basically walking lie detectors. “I tend to notice when my emotions are overtly influenced; or, like this morning, blatantly so.”

That made her come up short. “What do you mean?” she asked, sounded more concerned than upset now. “How?”

I regarded her and spoke what had been in the back of my mind for a while now; a growing suspicion that prodded at me. “The same way I can recognize _how_ you are happy all the time,” I said hesitantly. I didn't want to overstep. We'd known each other for less than a week and I didn't want to be presumptuous and give my unsolicited opinion about her based on my limited experiences with her. I could only use mine as an example.

She froze, and I swore that I could almost see her pale if that were possible. “How do you know?” she whispered. The words were an echo of her previous question, yet somehow sounded completely different now.

A need rose up inside of me. A need to let someone in, just a little. To be honest with her because I cared. “I first suspected something was influencing me when I noticed how much happier I was in art class and how fast I became friends with you. It was easy to write it off the first few days; art has always been something that has brought me joy. But that happiness wasn’t lasting.” I whispered, finally verbalizing what had been in the back of my mind since the ocean had receded in the ambulance. The thoughts began to form into words. “Once I left and headed home, it was like coming down from a high. My ‘highs’ and ‘lows’ had this vast space between them, and seemed to be completely out of my control.” I took a deep breath. “When I was in the ambulance and the ‘high’ of that calming thing he did wore off, I connected the dots because it felt the same.”

I knew myself well enough to know what emotions were truly mine. I knew I was fond of Alice, but I also knew it was hard for me to get close to people because I may or may not have some major trust issues. In some ways, I still saw Alice as a character I'd liked from a book I'd read. We hadn't known each other long enough for me to really break past that. I liked the Alice I'd interacted with, but she was still firmly attached to a pre-existing expectation I had of her in my mind.

_But she's not the same_ , I told myself. _Or maybe she is the same, just more. We never really saw any depth to her character in the books. Her friendship with Bella was never truly explored. I wondered if it had been if Bella would have recognized this or if she would have been too wrapped up in Edward to notice._

She looked stricken. “We didn’t mean to—”

I laid my hands on her shoulder, ignoring the sharp little flares of pain in my left shoulder as I did so. “Alice, I know. I’m not angry at him for being an empath or at you for not telling me. It's really no one else's business. I doubt his influence would have even been a problem for anyone else because I don’t think others are affected by it like I am.” I confessed. I felt things deeply. With my entire being. Depression, fear, confidence, happiness, anger... So his influence was more obvious to me because he didn't _just_ calm me. I _became_ calm. “You could say I’m sensitive to it. Today, though, I desperately needed help. I’m grateful, though I’d prefer if he refrained from doing that anymore. I won’t know how to handle situations on my own anymore if I always let other people handle it for me. Besides that, I need to be able to stand on my own two feet. I don’t want to be running to him like an addict, hoping for my next boost of dopamine or serotonin.”

She winced. I had struck a chord. 

“He’s always been there, hasn’t he?” I murmured, voice low as though I could frighten her. “In the art class. Maybe outside. Maybe in the hall?”

She didn't answer. I just nodded. I could tell her that what she was doing wasn’t healthy. I could tell her that she should stop. I could tell her that there were better ways of handling her emotions. But I didn’t do any of those things. Instead, I just stepped away from the wall so I could pause in front of her.

“You don't have to talk about it if you don't feel like it. But if you do, you know where to find me.” I said softly. 

Her eyes grew wide, and her lower lip trembled a bit. I released her and stepped back. She was still someone I thought of as important to me, and while we weren't quite friends yet, I knew we would be. My experience with Jasper today had felt like a wake-up; a reminder to differentiate my emotions from the emotions of those around me. 

“Let’s keep sitting next to each other in art class.”

She nodded but didn’t seem to be able to speak. I turned and I left, somehow feeling both lighter and heavier at the same time. I hadn’t realized I was going to hit the nail on the head that hard. I just hoped I hadn’t hurt her. That’s where the guilt came from. And the relief? Well, that had everything to do with the obvious bullet I had just dodged. 

Probably. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you guys think of Alice and this new development? Do you agree she felt under-developed in canon? Let me know in your comment!
> 
> Thank you for your patience this week! It's appreciated and I will most likely be calling upon it again in the future, not gonna lie. If you are enjoying this story, please leave kudos and subscribe to read more. Bookmarks are also appreciated to help boost my stats.


	12. What is Real and What is Not

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not me realizing Hallan has a stronger inclination and emotional connection with literally every female character there is and not a single drop of attraction for Edward at all.....
> 
> *slams head on lap desk* UUUGHHHHH STUPID QUEER BRAIN
> 
> If this wasn't tagged as OC/Edward, you guys would have no clue who Hallan would be paired with. It could be any one of those girls, really. Hell, even JASPER the confederate soldier has more of a chance with her currently than EDWARD does. Good luck, golden boy. You're gonna need it...

#  Chapter Eleven: What is Real and What is Not 

_I’m dreaming,_ I thought. _I know I’m dreaming because if I wasn’t, then I wouldn’t be seeing my mom’s face. It’s a memory. So perhaps this isn’t a dream at all._

No, not a dream. More like a nightmare. Something I didn’t want to remember. 

I was sitting on my bed, watery gaze on my green duvet cover. My vision swam thickly with tears. I could feel one sliding down my cheek. I remembered this moment. I had felt so helpless and misunderstood. My mom was standing across from me by the door and my dad was sitting on the bed beside me, arm circling my shoulders in support. My hair was greasy. I hadn’t had the energy to shower for the past few days and even if I had, my mom had been so tired the past week so I didn’t feel like I could ask for one. 

“I had thought this appointment was about the scheduling, not about whether or not you would do it,” she said, arms crossed and jaw tight, disappointment radiating off her in waves. 

We had just gotten off a Telemed call with the surgeon in Cinncinati. He had received the disks from the MRI I had done last week and this had been the day we’d had an appointment to talk about it with him. 

I shook my head at her. It was strange how I was there but I couldn’t control my own body. “That’s not what I thought,” my memory said, repeating the words I had spoken a long time ago. “I thought that this would be conformation on whether or not I truly needed this surgery. He didn’t sound confident there were no other options,” I tried to explain. “I don’t want to get an irreversible surgery if there are any other possible options!”

“Hallan!” her voice cracked. I knew she was upset. “We’ve _tried_ other options! The medication isn’t working. You’re completely bedridden. You have _zero_ quality of life and if you hadn’t been having a good day where you were well enough to sit up and engage with the doctor, there would have been no _question_ about whether or not you need it!”

I winced because the way she had phrased it made it sound like having a ‘good day’ today was a bad thing. Like it was something I could control. “That isn’t something that I can control,” I reminded her, voice strained and throat tight. I sounded like I was whining and I hated it. “I just don’t know if I want to jump into a non-reversible surgical option if there is any possible way to avoid it. This surgery will reduce the range of motion in my neck by 30-50%!”

“But it would be worth it!” she argued. 

My dad patted my arm, but didn’t say anything yet. 

“We don’t know that!” I cried, feeling despair rising inside of me. “He said as much during the call,” my voice cracked and I felt like someone was squeezing the words out of my throat. “It’s not for sure. We don’t know if this fix the dysautonomia or the POTS. There’s no guarantee. I could get this surgery and it could mean nothing!”

“But there’s a chance,” she insisted, tapping the side of one hand against the other’s palm. “Right now, there’s _no chance_ .” Her own voice was trembling and I knew I was upsetting her. “You can’t walk, you can’t stand, you can’t even get out of bed without someone near you. The medication isn’t working like we hoped it would and this is the alternative. It’s the _only_ alternative. Your neurologist and your physical therapist have told you they can’t work with you until you get the Cranial Instability fixed. There’s no other option!”

But maybe there was and we just know what it was yet. Maybe we could increase the dosage of my medication or try something in the eastern medicine realm of things.

My mom kept speaking. “If you choose not to get the surgery, then you’re choosing this life,” she bit out. 

I knew she lashing out because she angry, but it still felt like being slapped. My own anger rose up inside of me. “You think I want this?” I demanded. My voice was trembling, but I couldn’t ascertain whether it was from despair or anger or maybe both. “You think want to be laid up in bed every day and miss out on my life? That I want to be in pain and that I want to suffer? That I want to watch everyone I grew up with move on with their lives and leave behind?”

My dad tried to interject. “No, we don’t—”

My mom crossed arms and cut him off before he could finish. “I know your you’re scared of change and scared of the unknown. But you can’t just settle for misery.”

I hurt so badly. My body’s constant pain was nothing in comparison to the emotional pain of knowing that my health was causing this misery in my parents. It was hard for them too. I knew that. I couldn’t’ ever stop thinking about it. I had so much guilt surrounding it. I hated that she thought I was selfish. I hated that she thought that I didn’t think of anyone but myself. I hated it when she told me that, even though I knew it was what she thinking. 

My mom had left the room then, and my dad had gone to comfort her. My own tears had dried, leaving me without the roiling emotions crashing around me, leaving me and empty husk, left to feel nothing at all but resignation. 

I had the surgery the following month.

☽ ◯ ☾  
  


My eyes opened and stared sightlessly at the vaulted ceiling in Bella’s room. A dream. A dream. A dream.

_A memory._ My own voice told me inside my mind. I hated it. _Don’t deny it just because you were too weak to stand up for yourself. You’re in this mess because you rely too much on other people._

I knew that. And I hated that about myself. I had relied on my parents for everything. Food, clean laundry, showers, rides to appointments, hell, even help using the bathroom at a particularly low point in my life. I knew a person could need this things but still be strong but me? I had been weak. I had caved to whatever my mom wanted because I felt guilty. It was the only way I felt like I could make it up to my parents. But I was still weak as a person. 

I stared at my hands. They weren’t mine. This was stolen too. This body. This freedom from the pain. It didn’t matter that this was a figment of my imagination or not. Either I was so weak I was trying to avoid facing my reality or I was stealing another person’s life from them. I may not have liked Bella, but she was still her own person. I didn’t belong here. This was Bella’s life, Bella’s story, Bella’s friends...nothing was mine. Somehow it felt a bit like my real life in that regard. 

“Nothing is real,” I murmured, letting my hand drop back to my side.

My left shoulder ached. It was fine. The pain helped to centre me. I was still feeling out of it. I needed to stop this train of thought. It was too easy to convince myself that _I_ wasn’t real.

I wasn’t sure how long I laid there in silence, but a knock came at the door. I turned my head slightly. “Yeah?” I called half-heartedly. 

Charlie poked his head in through the door. “You awake?” he asked unnecessarily. 

“Sort of,” I responded. 

“I brought up the heated pad and an ice pack.” He held them out to me. I eagerly took them from him. “Thanks.”

“How long until your next dose of pain meds?”

“Mmm,” I hummed, looking at the clock as though I had taken any Tylenol at all yet. That pain wasn't that bad and I wasn't about to take pain medication if I wasn't incapacitated from it. “Not for a while. It’s important not to overdose.” 

The man nodded, agreeing. “Right. Just make sure you take it on time.”

“Will do.”

Our conversation was halted when we heard a knock on the door. Charlie frowned. “Bella, did you invite anyone over?”

_With what cell phone?_ I wondered, somewhat grumpily. There were a few conveniences from modern technology was I desperately missing. I could definitely use a distraction right about now. “No,” I responded to him, rising from the bed. “It’s probably Billy or something.” I reasoned. “I’m gonna hop in the shower while you get that.”

I wanted to wash the nightmare off and try to refamiliarize myself with this body. It may not be mine, but I was using it. The least I could do was keep it in good repair. The shower was therapeutic. The burning water helped loosen my knotted muscles and washed away the remnants of the cold sweat I had woken up in. I felt ten times better once I climbed out and dried off. 

I didn’t waste time. After towelling my hair from sopping to damp, I used my recently acquired blow dryer to finish the job, enjoying the warm feathery feeling of it brushing against my lower waist. I’d never had hair this long. I understood why Bella had made the chop before moving; it was a lot of maintenance, and in my experience, dry weather makes for frizzy hair.

I toyed with the idea of dying it. Maybe a dark blue or dark purple that faded into wine. I would even consider a dark green. It would take to Bella’s natural dark brown colour nicely without needing to bleach it, but it would probably end up a tint. Did 2005 even have temporary dies? I didn’t know. But I bet Alice would be happy to help my out with dying it. It was too long to do it myself and Charlie’s bathroom would be _decimated_ if I tried. I winced, remembering what I’d done to my grandmother’s sink and counter the first time I’d died my hair. The company had said it was temporary dye, and while it had come out of my hair, it never really faded from anything else. Best not to make that a repeat experience. 

The loud knock at the door startled me. “Yeah?”

“You gonna stay in there all night?” asked Charlie, sounding a bit exasperated. “You have a guest.”

My lips pressed together. There had better not be any vampires poking around my room. _Bella’s room,_ I corrected myself inwardly. “Who is it?”

“Jessica Stanley. Hurry up, Bells, she sounded pretty anxious.”

I regretted immediately not having tried to contact her before I’d gone to sleep. It honestly hadn’t even occurred to me because I didn’t have a cellphone and didn’t know her number, so even if I’d known how to use the ancient landline, I wouldn’t have been able to contact her. 

_As long as it's not a vampire._ I thought to myself because my room was far too revealing to have any of them in it. I shuddered to think about what would happen if they found my journal tucked away in the mattress stuffing or the sketchbooks I pathologically filled with self-portraits so I wouldn't forget my own face.

I didn’t procrastinate leaving the bathroom. I had wanted to do my skiing care routine and lotion my body, but Jessica was more important. I groaned as I realized I didn’t bring a change of clothes into my room. No way in hell was I getting back into what I’d worn to the hospital. I would have to wash all my bedding anyways since I hadn’t changed once I got home. Hospitals were full of germs and other nasties I didn’t want in my room. 

Listening carefully, I could hear Charlie puttering around downstairs. That likely meant Jessica was in my room. Bella’s room. Sighing and knowing there was no other way to go about it, I wrapped a towel around my body and practically streaked to my bedroom door which was thankfully only a few feet away. 

“Apologies in advance!” I called as I ran in, shutting the door behind me. 

Jessica’s gaze jerked up from where it had been on her flip phone. Her eyes widened when she saw me. 

I gave her a sheepish grin. “I forgot to grab a change of clothes. Hold on just a sec.”

“Oh, uh, do you want me to step out for a moment?”

I shrugged. “Whatever makes you most comfortable.” I wasn’t shy. I’d had enough invasive examinations and procedures done to lose any sense of modesty when it came to whatever flesh bag I found myself in. I hadn’t even been that shy to begin with. When you were in theatre and dance, you kind of lost that quickly. 

Jessica’s cheeks were a bit flushed, but she looked back at her phone and angled away from me slightly. “I’ll just give you some privacy.”

“Thanks,” I said, opening the closet door and stepping behind it to make her a bit more comfortable. 

A moment later I stepped out in a comfortable pair of sweatpants and a wine red tank top. Jewel tones were my favourite colours of all. It was odd how even little things like tank tops weren’t the same in this reality. The cut was different than the ones I’d owned in my real—other?—life. I wondered if that was due to Bella’s personal preference or if it was a result of fashion taking a turn in terms of the desired silhouette. Alice would probably know. Once the Cullens knew the truth, I had a lot of topics I wanted to talk with them about. They were practical fountains of information.

“So how are you holding up?” I asked her. “Sorry I didn’t call. I didn’t know your number and I don’t know how to use Charlie’s phone.”

She swallowed. “I’m okay,” said Jessica, fiddling with her medium brown hair. “Just a bit bruised from when I hit the car and then the pavement.”

I grimaced. “Sorry about that. If there’d been another way, I’d have opted for it.”

She was quiet for a while. “Your room is nice,” she commented after a slightly awkward pause. “I...didn’t know you were an artist.”

I glanced around at all the drawings I had pinned or tapped up on my walls. Some just sketches, others fully fleshed out, but all black and white. “Yeah. It helps my process things,” I said slowly because I wasn’t sure how to respond to a statement like that. I sat down on the bed beside her, leaning forward to see her face.

She shifted. “So are you okay?”

“Yeah,” I assured her quickly. “The doctor insisted on x-raying my shoulder and they said everything was fine. Basically they just want me to ice and rest.”

“That’s good. I heard Tyler broke his arm.”

“Heard it from the mob, did you?” I grinned slightly, remembered the _multitude_ of students that had been in the hospital. Was that even allowed? Coming from living in the height of a pandemic, it was a stark and startling contrast.

“The mob?”

“All the students that showed up at the hospital. I was practically accosted as I tried to get through to Charlie.”

A smile spread on her face. “Yeah. I heard it from one of his friends who heard it from his brother. Apparently his mom is furious that the van is totalled.”

“Rest in peace, Tyler,” I said, cringing.

“Are you going to press charges?” she wondered, and I could tell she was becoming more comfortable with me in my space because she was relaxing, her natural curiosity and bubbliness floating to the forefront.

I thought about it. “Mmm, probably not. The accident will already be on his record and will make his insurance skyrocket. If I pressed charges or tried to sue him, where would that money come from? His parents? Really I just want him to go to mandatory driver’s ed. Is that a thing in Washington?” I asked her, but she skipped over my question. 

“So you don’t want to press charges? I thought you would.”

I grunted. “I’ll admit, the petty, irritated side of me does find that appealing, but there’s only one real motive for revenge and that’s self-satisfaction. I can find that well enough elsewhere.”

She squinted at me. “Were you in some sort of posh boarding school in Arizona or something?” she demanded. 

I blinked at her, brows drawing together in confusion. “No, I was in a public school.”

“Really,” she said sarcastically. “Because you talk about school the way I think an alien would talk about humans.”

I made a face like ‘maybe so’, because that was an apt enough description. The Strange Planet comic ran through my mind, making my smile. I loved those; they were hilarious. “Well, I wasn’t exactly well-liked there so it's not as if I'm particularly socially gifted.” Came with the territory of being homeschooled my entire life and being isolated.

She looked at me like I was crazy.

“What?” I demanded, self-conscious. 

“Are you lying?”

I cocked my head back. “Why would I lie? Why do you think that's a lie?” I clarified my question. 

She started to look frustrated. “Because you’re like one of those people who draw other people in. Like charisma or something.”

I was flattered. “Thank you,” I smiled, pleased. “That usually isn’t how I’m described. People usually use words like ‘intimidating’ or ‘off-putting’ or ‘arrogant’.”

She didn’t look convinced. “You just...you effortlessly get people to like you.” She drew her knees up to her chest and scowled at the floor.

I wasn’t sure about that, but challenging her might make it seem like I was fishing for compliments. I decided to focus on her instead. “Does that make you upset?”

She bit her lip. “I don’t know. Maybe. People were talking about you for months before you got here. I...I want people to be drawn to me too. I work so _hard_ for it.”

I knew how she felt. I’d always felt isolated. Strange due to my unorthodox upbringing and then forever other because of my sickness. I never felt like I could overcome the barrier between me and my peers because of our different life experiences. I didn’t worry about the things that come with being in your late teens and early twenties. Like relationships and social life and clubbing and college or whatever it was that my peers did. Our experiences were completely different. They were getting their first cars and moving into their first apartments at the same time as my doctors were telling me I may never be able to drive or live alone.

I had enough free time on my hands to understand where my desire came from, though. I desperately wanted people to like me and seek out my company. I didn’t want to feel like I had to shoulder the weight in the friendships I’d been able to maintain or like I was bothering them with my problems when I had to cancel plans or when I wasn’t cognitively functional enough to call or text back. That desire came from my fear of rejection and my constant state of solitude. 

“You sound lonely,” I told her, staring across at a sketch I’d done of single sprig of lavender. 

She whipped her head around to me, eyes wide. “I have tons of friends,” she countered. 

I looked at her. “If you can feel alone in a crowd then it stands to reason that you can still be lonely even if you have friends. Especially if you feel like you constantly have to be a certain version of yourself in front of them.”

She gritted her teeth for a minute before she slumped. “It’s not like I’m not myself when I’m with them. But...they know me as happy-go-lucky and slightly sarcastic. It’s always been that way. If I’m not like that with them, then am I really the friend they think they’re friends with? Am I friends with them at all?”

I wasn’t sure how we’d gotten on this topic, or why she had come over. Maybe to check on me, maybe because she was emotionally vulnerable and need reassurance...it didn’t matter. I scooted closer to her, slowly wrapping my right arm around her shoulder and pulling her close. She stiffened for a brief moment before she relaxed. 

“I get it,” I told her. Because at the core of things, this conversation wasn’t about friends or her personality. It was about her wanting to be understood. 

“I was so scared,” she hiccuped, shoulders beginning to shake. “And I lost my cool and I yelled at you and—”

I rocked us back and forth as her words her cut off by a gasping sob. “Hey, hey,” I murmured ignoring the pain in my left shoulder as I brought that hand up to brush her hair out of her face. “You were almost hit and killed in a car accident, Jess, _no one_ expects you to be happy-go-lucky in that situation.”

I felt her arms wrap around me and her silent sobs wracked our bodies until we were too tired to keep sitting up. We ended up curling up facing one another on the bed, both with tears on our cheeks, the dim light from the window casting us in soft white light from the cloudy day. 

“You’re crying,” she sniffed. 

I laughed a bit through my tears. “Yeah. I was scared too. I didn’t realize it until just now,” I said, breath stuttering in my chest with emotion. 

“Thank you for doing what you did, Bella. You saved my life,” she sucked in a breath. “And I’m sorry I didn’t thank you before. I was scared and that made me angry.”

“I know,” I nodded. “I’m not mad.”

“Are you mad at me about what I said your first day when we sat together?”

I drew back so I could see her face more clearly. “No, I already told you I wasn’t mad.”

“Are you mad that I didn’t stand up for you against Lauren yesterday?” she asked, and tears filled her eyes again. This was a side of Jessica I had never seen in the book. And I resonated with it. Deeply. 

I squinted at her. “Why would I be mad about that?”

Reaching a hand up from where it had been wrapped around my waist, she wiped away some of her tears. “I don’t know.”

“How about this,” I suggested. “Whenever I’m mad at you, I’ll tell you. Okay?”

She nodded quickly. 

“Good then,” I stated, firmly, closing the discussion. After a minute of both of us resting, eyes closed, I murmured, “I’m glad you came. I just woke up from a nightmare. I feel more myself now.”

I opened my eyes to see her staring at me. 

“You feel like you can be yourself when you’re with me?”

“As much as I think I can right now,” I responded, honestly. “Sometimes I feel like I’m living a lie.”

“Me too.” After another silent moment of both of us lost in our thoughts, she spoke again. “Bella?”

“Yeah, Jess?”

“Maybe...maybe we don't have to lie so much to each other.”

“Yeah, Jess.”

And we stayed like that for a long time, breathing each other’s air and speaking quietly. I felt more grounded to this reality in that moment than I had ever before. Odd how a character I hadn’t liked at all in the books was someone I was finding a deeper connection with. 

As we laid there, our tears eventually dried on our cheeks and we stopped talking about the things that made us cry. When she left for the night, we promised to see each other the next morning at school. 

“See you later, Bella!” she said, smiling with her whole face before she got in her car. 

I knew my face was the same. But a little voice inside of me wasn’t completely satisfied because she hadn’t called me by my name. I wanted to hear it. But more than that, I wanted to be honested with her. The dissonance inside of me was because even if I told myself that it might be possible someday, I didn’t think she would believe me; and I already had come to understand that lies would be fatal to our friendship. I wondered how long I would be able to hold on to these moments of connection with her. 

I closed the front door and leaned against it for a moment. _One day at a time,_ I told myself. I didn’t think I could handle any more than that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hoped you like this installation of 'Everyone around Hallan has too many emotions and it makes her feel things'~ we will attempt to get back to your regularly scheduled program of Hallan/Edward (🤢) shortly. 
> 
> What were your thoughts on this chapter? Have you ever experienced what Jess is going through? Growing up is tough. Everyone seems to grow into things at different times and trying to balance that self-discovery and progression of character against friends and relationship is really difficult. 
> 
> As always, if you enjoyed, please consider leaving kudos, subscribing to see more, and bookmarking to help boost my stats so more people can see my story. 
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	13. Evaluate and Adjust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this is coming out so late! I was paying attention so some other writing that I'd been neglecting for the past three months.
> 
> Is2g these chapters are always longer than I think they will be content-wise. Stick with me, guys! We're getting to the main part of the story now! It's just that I'm the detail-oriented perfectionist type so I tend to be a bit of an overachiever. Only, thus far my only achievement has been writing about 55k words for the set up of a fic based on a story that's only 120k words. 
> 
> Welp. At least you guys know what you're in for at this point. Enjoy!

#  Chapter Twelve: Evaluate and Adjust 

The last thing I needed was another unwanted memory manifesting itself in my dreams, so I was thankful I couldn’t sleep that night. Instead, I drew my curtains tightly and went through the slow, arduous process of retrieving my journal from the inside of the top of my mattress. I had new information to record. 

First, I began writing about Jessica. I had been correct when I had made the decision to monitor her character. 

_Character,_ I thought bitterly, the led on my pencil breaking when I accidentally pressed too hard in my irritation. I hated that I’d ever thought of these people that way.

I had been wrong. So wrong. This wasn’t a book. I hadn’t somehow been transported into a work of fiction. This was its own world with its own people, culpable to change and events outside the happenings in the books. There were places the books had never mentioned and more depth to people than there would have been if this world was subject to the knowledge and opinions of the author. But it wasn’t. 

As much as I found the thought of _using_ Jessica Stanly distasteful, she had provided me with this keen insight. This was not fiction. This was real. And somehow I was living in it. I couldn’t continue to live inside the misconceptions I’d created around this place to protect my own mind.

I could vaguely recall that Stephanie Meyers had been inspired for Twilight by a dream she’d had. Could it have been a peek into this world’s happenings instead of something her mind had conjured? And if that was the case, could I dream of what was happening in _my_ world? How could I go about that? 

Even as I thought this, I understood the flaw in this theory. The fact that every major event that had happened in Meyers’ book had happened from Edward’s reaction to her the first day they met to the car accident he saved her from. It either debunked the theory, or it had been a very long dream indeed. It did spark a bit of worry inside me, though. If it had just been a peek into this world that had inspired her, at what point would the plot disappear entirely? And with that in mind, how useful was the information I had on this universe if it was Stephanie Meyers’ own creation and not an accurate chronicle of events? Somethings were bound to be changed. Not knowing what would happen had a shiver running down my spine. 

I wrote all of this down as well before making sure to jot down ideas on how to bring about such a dream. It would be a worthwhile experiment. Worst case scenario I waste my time and possibly a bit of money. Best case scenario, I finally get some answers. I wondered if I would use energy to bring about the dream. Hyper focusing wasn’t going to get me anywhere. I would have to delve deeper and explore broader horizons. Manifestation, mediation, a calm and clear mind...that was the extent of the knowledge I had about energy and its relation to influencing the world around you. I knew that frequencies and vibrations could also play a part in amplification of this energy through the form of nature or crystals or different elements like fire, but most of that was generally thought to be on the wilder side of speculation. 

I wondered if I could get my hands on some dried blue lotus flower? Likely not. Internet commerce wasn’t exactly in full swing yet. Had the FDA labeled it as unsafe for human consumption yet? I should have paid attention to that date… Blue lotus flowers were used in ancient Egypt for a myriad of uses, one of which being to bring about lucid or prophetic dreams. Some may be skeptical of this supernatural property, but honestly, at this point, I was in a world with werewolves and vampires in some sort of long-term out-of-body experience. What could be harder to believe than that? At the very least I’d be willing to give it a try.

Dawn’s gentle glow brushed against my curtains, and I realized that I had been working all night. My back and wrist ached from writing and my left shoulder was none-too-happy with me either. There would be no time to sleep now. I would just have to supplement with caffeine. 

I stayed in the shower longer than usual, letting the warm water help soothe the angry muscles in my back and arms. When I was finished, I went through my usual morning routine, wishing I felt more relaxed than I did. After all, Edward Cullen would be avoiding me for about a month according to the plot. What would happen with Alice I wasn’t sure, though I had a feeling we would need to find our new footing together before we fell back into a comfortable routine. 

Charlie drove me to school the next morning after I’d sworn up and down the walls that I was fine. He’d only relented after I agreed to wear the flimsy blue arm brace with the white piping. Primary blue was not Bella’s color and it certainly didn’t go with my cute outfit but I’d been wearing clunky, ugly braces for years so it wasn’t something I complained about. I wasn’t sure how helpful it would be until it was one and I realized it took a lot of weight off my shoulder. 

“Call me if you need to come home early. I’ll come pick you up later. You got your Tylenol?” 

“In my backpack,” I answered, hand on the door and ready to close it at the earliest opportunity. 

He nodded, “okay. Bye, Bella.”

“Bye,” I smiled slightly before I shut the door. 

I started walking towards building three, my hood pulled over my head because of the heavy droplets of rain. 

“Bella!”

I turned at the sound of her cheery voice, pleasantly surprised. “Alice, hi,” I called back as she approached me with a little pep in her step. 

Jasper remained a bit behind, just nodding at me. I smiled hesitantly back at him. There was no way Alice hadn’t divulged our conversation to Jasper, and likely to Edward without meaning to. I felt bad for them that they had to deal with the constant breach of privacy. In my opinion, there couldn’t be anything worse than having someone in my head all the time. There was a reason people had brain-to-mouth filters. Such an extreme invasion of privacy seemed like it would be difficult and alienating, both for Edward and his unintended victims.

_If I could read the first thoughts that crossed everyone’s mind I would quickly lose faith in humanity. It’s a miracle that Edward is a veggie vamp._ I mused to myself, waiting for Alice to finish closing the distance between us. I’d let her set whatever boundaries she needed to. 

She skipped up beside me, winding one of her slim arms through mine leaning against me casually. It was nice. I generally wasn’t used to this kind of casual contact. Not here. There had been very few people in my world I felt comfortable being physically close to and while I couldn’t say I was completely used to it, I didn’t mind Alice.

“How’s your shoulder?” she bit her petal-pink bottom lip, looking concerned. 

I tilted my head to give her a questioning look. “Remember, I told you yesterday the doctors said it was all good.”

“And you’re not hurting?” she reaffirmed. 

I shrugged. “Not enough to bother me. I’m used to this kind of injury. Why? Does it look weird?” I tried to get a good look at the angle my shoulder was hanging at. It seemed about right, well-balanced with the other shoulder. 

“Edward was too rough,” she explained, hissing slightly.

Leaning forward, my face softened. “It’s really great of you to worry about me. How is he, by the way?”

Her expression scrunched, irritably. “Well, between you and me, Bella, he’s really been very grouchy,” she responded, placing a finger between her brows in agitation. 

“About the accident? Did I do something?” I tried to think back to the interactions I’d had with him up to this point. They were admittedly limited, so it was easy to think back and remember to see if I’d done something to anger him; the only problem being that the time between the accident and the ambulance yesterday was all a vague blur. 

“He’s upset that he dislocated your shoulder.”

That made sense. “Ah. Gotcha. Yeah, the sound of a dislocation can freak a lot of people out. I wouldn’t have thought he’d be bothered by it though.” Considering he'd probably ripped other vampires limb from limb before and burned them like crispy firewood. “But then, it probably wasn’t fun to _feel_ it happen either, so maybe it was the sensation?” I pondered, thinking aloud. The look on her face drew me up short. “What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

Sighing, she shook her head. “Somehow I don’t think that’s what bothered him,” she responded, letting out an indelicate snort that had me huffing out my own little laugh in response. Her good mood was infectious, whether or not it was the result of Jasper’s unique ability. Speaking of…

“How about you, Jasper?” I looked over my shoulder at the honey blond man. “How are you holding up. I can’t imagine yesterday was fun for you either.”

Tyler and Jessica’s blood, the crowd’s panic, and the aftermath of the conversation I’d had with Alice in the hospital and the ensuing slew of emotions that came with that. It was a wonder he was even at school today. I did notice both their eyes were a bright honeyed-gold; they must have hunted last night. Probably a good thing..

Jasper blinked at me, not seeming to know what to say. “I’m fine, ma’am.”

_Ma’am._ “Jasper,” I began, stopping to look back at him. “How old do you think I am?”

His lips pressed together slightly as if to ward off a small smile. “I suppose I don’t know.”

I hummed at him. “Well. Certainly not old enough to be called _ma’am._ ” I shivered, thinking of the six years I had spent in the Nashville area in my early teens. Like in any place there were good people and less-so people who lived there, but I had eventually come to associate the ‘less-so’ people with a southern accent. Idioms like _‘bless your heart’_ and _‘fixin’ to’_ were liable to make me check out of a situation _‘faster than you could say lickety-split’_. 

“And how old is old enough?” wondered Alice, turning around so she was walking backwards in front of us. We followed after her, prompted by her onward movement. 

“Certainly older than a teenager.” Then I thought about it for a moment. “On second thought, I’ll never be old enough to be called ma’am.”

Jasper was almost walking level with me, close enough that I could see the small twitch of his lips that threatened to pull them into a smirk. “Yes, ma’am.”

_I just know I’ve created a monster,_ I grumbled to myself inwardly, shooting him a long-suffering grimace which he ignored good-naturedly.

I saw Jess up ahead, hand raised as if she were going to wave, but looking uncertain because of who I was accompanied by. I smiled and waved at her. 

“Hi, Jess!” I called. 

Alice turned, curious. “Jessica Stanley?” she tilted her head.

“Yup. We have two classes together in the mornings and I seem to sit at her friend’s lunch table more often than not.”

Humming, she turned back to me.

“What?”

“Nothing, I guess. I just never saw you two becoming good friends.”

Now that was interesting information. I had assumed that her visions would adjust to encompass my actions as I was now the captain at the helm of this ship but maybe that was wrong? Alice’s visions only had two weaknesses: last-minute decisions and werewolves. As far as I knew Bella was not a weakness. That meant either of two things. One, that I hadn’t made the decision the truly be good friends with Jessica up to this point; or two, that I, Hallan, was a potential weak spot in her visions. Maybe because my soul wasn’t from this world it was operating at a different frequency or something. At least, that’s the way I liked to describe it to myself. I would have to pull the journal out again tonight. I almost sighed at the thought. 

“There’s a lot more to her than first impressions give. More to her than I think she realizes yet,” I responded. 

Jess approached us. “Hi,” she gave a little wave. 

I noticed Jasper was stock still. Probably remembering the scent of her blood the day before. It hadn’t been a lot; she’d only suffered a few small scrapes on her palms and a few bruises here and there, but it was enough of a scent to make Jasper aware of it. It was amazing to me that he’d managed to resist it. In the books, he’d been portrayed as having zero self-control at all. Bella’s _papercut_ had sent him into a frenzy. But I supposed that logically that couldn’t be the case. He existed in high school and college, for gods’ sake. There was bound to be injuries here and there and Jasper going feral every time would likely prompt the Cullens to keep him safe at home a while longer until he was more confident. 

“Hi, Jess,” I greeted cheerfully. “How are you feeling?”

“Still freaked out,” she admitted on a sigh.

“That’s understandable,” interjected Alice. “I was scared too.”

Jessica looked as surprised as I felt. The Cullens didn’t...mix with the other kids. They kept to themselves, kept themselves isolated. The fact that Alice was initiating conversation was by no means ‘normal’ by Jessica’s standards.

“Yeah,” Jess nodded slowly, still unsure what to make of the raven pixie. “It was good your brother was there to help. I didn’t even realize he was nearby. I thought he was across the parking lot.”

Alice’s face stilled a bit too much, enough that it might unnerve Jess, so I redirected her attention to me. I hated lying to her but I didn’t want her to be perceived as a potential threat to the Cullens. If that happened, best case scenario they left Forks behind in their shiny, expensive cars. Worst case scenario, Jessica left Forks behind in a casket. Unlikely due to Carlisle and Esme’s strong convictions but still possible due to their more volatile and impulsive children.

“No, he was pretty close to us. I’m super grateful, too,” I gestured at myself. “I prefer to continue this life in a three-dimensional form.”

Jess’ smile seemed a bit more genuine now. “Same. Have you seen him around?” she asked, turning her head this way and that and popping up on her tip-toes so she could try to spot him. “Did you think him yet?”

I shook my head. “Not yet, but you’re right. I feel awful for not thanking him properly yesterday. Honestly, I don’t remember a whole lot between the accident and the ambulance. If I had to guess, I probably was rather rude to him?”

Alice giggled, apparently having reanimated herself. “You do seem to make a habit of that.”

I sighed. “Can’t help it.”

“I’m sure we’d all love to know why,” prompted the small vampire with a small, sly smile. 

_She had better not be thinking what I think she’s thinking,_ I grumbled internally, because something told me she thought my dislike of him stemmed from some sort of romantic interest. The thought itself was enough to make me want to gag. 

Scowling, I replied, “and I’m sure _I_ would love to get a passing grade in biology but we all know that’s not going to happen.”

Jessica chimed in. “Or trig, or Spanish, or—”

“Ooooookay,” I drew the word out and walked toward her to put a heavy arm over her shoulder to cut her off. “On that note, we should get to class.”

Jessica laughed lightly as I wheeled her around and gave her a little push towards the collection of school buildings before turning back to Alice and Jasper’s bemused faces. “My grades aren’t _that_ bad,” I told them, only partly lying. 

“Well if it’s any consolation, you’ll get full marks on the art class,” offered Alice with a small grin. 

I grunted. “If only I could receive full credit as well.”

Delicate brows drawing down over her eyes she frowned. “Why wouldn’t you get full marks?”

“Because I haven’t been here through the full semester. I mean, I could try to make up all the work if I wanted but honestly, I have bigger fish to worry about.”

“You weren’t in a class in Phoenix?” Jasper asked. 

I shook my head, turning to start walking. “Nope. So no full marks for me. I have a decent chance at passing English, Gov, and Gym, though.” 

“So you’re a natural talent then,” surmised Alice, and I guessed that she was talking about the art class. 

“Something like that.” The bell rang. “Shit, what time is it?”

Looking down at his watch, Jasper rattled off the time. That sent me sprinting for building three, calling back over my shoulder that I’d see them later. I got there on time, but most of the students were already at their desks and the second bell had just rung. Mr. Mason gave me a look as I scuttled over to my desk and plopped down, wiping the rain off my face with the edge of the baggy cream-colored sweater I was wearing. I nearly swore when I saw I’d wiped concealer on it. I had forgotten I was wearing it. At least I hadn’t been in full foundation and contour. 

I spent the majority of the class scowling at what would likely become a stain. And I did so like this sweater too. I supposed it was destined to become an art smock. Although, the idea of dancing around my room in nothing but the long baggy sweater, painting in front of an easel with wild abandon with no thought to where the happy accidents from my brush may land around my unsuspecting room as appealing. Except it wasn’t my room and I was pretty sure Bella would have a heart attack if I splattered her room with colorful paint. Still. The picture was inspiring. 

Mr. Mason called on me in class to answer a question I hadn’t listened to. I was incorrect. He asked me to stay after class. So much for my decent chance. He waited for me at the front of the room, fingers steepled in front of him on with desk as he waited for the nosy students to file out. 

“Ms. Swan,” he began, and I already knew I was going to hate this conversation. “I understand that yesterday was a very...eventful day for you. If it had only been about today’s behavior, I would not have asked you to stay after class.”

Behavior? Jesus, what had I fucked up now?

“You need to work on your behavior in class.”

My brows drew together. My what now? “Have I been rude?” Had I missed some sort of social cue? I didn’t remember doing that. I raised my hand like everyone else and followed their example of standing when called upon...but it was possible given my lack of common situational knowledge...

Instead of answering, he replied, “I’m not sure how it was in the mega school you attended Phoenix, but here in Forks, we expect a certain level of engagement from our students. You don’t seem to be a trouble maker, but you don’t understand the lessons well and it shows in your work and your answers in class.”

I winced. I had some...comprehension issues. By the time I had learned to cope with them I had long been absent from any sort of academic scene. 

“I see you taking notes often even if you don’t choose to volunteer to answer questions or read aloud. I know you’re listening, excluding today. I’ve taken this last week to try and ascertain where your strengths in English lie; and while it's true that your writing is compelling and well-formatted, you struggle with the content. Often times your assignments seem like you just come up with something completely random and try to bullshit your way through the lesson assignments.”

I was surprised to hear a teacher cursing. Was that normal? Not that it mattered in the face of what he was saying. He was right. I did do that. If I didn’t understand the lesson content I would take a ‘fake it till you make it’ attitude and try to assemble something vaguely reminiscent of what I thought the teacher might want from me, even if it was something I had to completely make up. The technical work was harder to ‘bullshit my way through’ on. Writing papers? Easy. Dissecting sentence structures? Not so much. The English language was a nightmare.

“I’m not trying to insult you, Ms. Swan, but you may not be well-suited to this subject, or possibly this grade. It may be better to reevaluate where you are academically before moving forward.”

He was still talking but I couldn’t hear him over the dull ringing in my ears. The words had felt like a bowling ball dropped into the pit of my stomach. My hands trembled and I began to feel less and less stable standing on my own two feet. And how ironic was that?

The tell-tale sting behind my eyes alerted me I wouldn’t be able to hide this reaction for long unless I got it under control. I knew what this was. This was the precursor to a full out anxiety attack. Possibly a panic attack. I tried to regulate my breathing, forcing myself to take slow, deep breaths through my nose. It was the only thing I could think to do because in the face of it; the resentment and anger and the ever-present inadequacy that was plaguing me fogged my ability to think clearly. 

I wasn’t angry at Mr. Mason. I was angry at myself. Angry that I’d become this way. Angry that I wasn’t different. Angry that I hadn’t tried harder. And no, it didn’t matter that I had other things, larger things, earth-shattering-mind-blowing things to deal with...I had still failed myself. When you were the only one you could truly count on, the massive amount of betrayal I felt was too staggering to really contemplate. 

I didn’t want to be there any longer. Frozen, I stood stiffly in front of his desk as he continued speaking, trying to get through to me. Yes, the failure stung more than I would ever admit to anyone, but as logical thoughts began trickling into my mind again, I realized I had much bigger problems than dealing with my own personal pity-party right now. Clenching my fists so hard that my fingernails dug into my palms, I clenched my teeth before I spoke. 

“Mr. Mason, what do I need to do to continue in this class?”

Though I hadn’t meant to, I had interrupted him mid-sentence, so he just stared at me speculatively. Wincing in apology wouldn’t help; there was no going back to fix it now, so all I could do was move forward. I stared right back at him, meeting his gaze. If he thought he could make me second guess my determination, he was wrong, because he didn’t realize how much more was at stake other than my useless pride. In the event that I was held back a grade, the plot may derail as I knew it. I would miss out on plot events and important conversations that needed to happen if I was going to continue. I needed those events to happen if I was going to get on the inside of the supernatural world through the Cullens. If that didn’t happen, I may never be able to go home. 

He leaned forward, tipping his steepled fingers towards me. “If your performance and grades improve in the next two weeks, we’ll talk.”

I nodded stiffly. “Thank you for your time.”

Turning on my heel, I stalked out of the classroom. I was going to need a tutor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I have an honest question and the internet is not being helpful. What is the possessive form of 'Jess'? Is it [Jess'] or [Jess's]? I DON'T KNOW I'VE BEEN TOLD DIFFERENT THINGS! It doesn't help that I use the British English setting for other things I write and American English for this story. SOMEONE SEND HELP. Looking at you, philosophical Irish teacher who writes me very thoughtful comments. ;) Idk what you teach but I'm pretty sure you'd know. Help a writer out? Someone? Anyone?
> 
> Thank you all for being patient with me! I'd love to hear what you think of this chapter, so let me know in the comments down below. See you next time!


	14. The Cherry On Top

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay it's been a hot minute! Sorry about that. IRL gets in the way of writing sometimes. I hope everyone had a great holiday experience!! <3
> 
> I wanted this chapter to be longer but honestly every time I tried to stretch it out it felt wrong. So, I decided to post it as is. Usually, my chapters are 3-5k words, but I hope you all enjoyed it nonetheless. Thank you for your continued support!

#  Chapter Thirteen: The Cherry On Top 

News traveled uncomfortably fast within the highschool. Whether or not this was a trait special to small-town highschools or just highschools in general I didn’t know; not that it mattered. I wondered if I was overreacting. Maybe having your inadequacies pointed out by your teachers was normal. But then, what place did ‘normal’ have in this situation? 

I stared at Bella’s hands as I sat on the toilet lid. It smelled awful in the school bathrooms, but my nose was stuffed up enough from crying that I couldn’t even notice it. The pale fingers trembled, so I gritted my teeth and clenched those hands into fists. My shoulder ached with the tension I carried throughout my body. I was better than this. I’d already dealt with these emotions before, or so I thought. But sitting here, holding my breath in an effort not to let the sound of my cries escape, it was all too clear to me that I _hadn’t_ truly accepted my limits. 

_I guess ignoring them isn’t the same as dealing with them,_ I thought with a bitter smile.

No one else was in these bathrooms. It was far enough away from the cafeteria where everyone else was gathered for lunch that I was safe. Maybe I could have allowed myself to cry, but vampires had excellent hearing. I was sure that I wouldn’t be allowed to have this moment in peace. The only safe place I had was within my own mind. Everywhere else, I needed to remain unaffected and indifferent. Flaunting my weaknesses wasn’t something I was keen on doing. Crying wasn’t a weakness, I knew that. But acknowledging my lapse in cognitive function was. A weakness was only a weapon for others to exploit. This game would not be won by showing all my cards at once. 

With that thought in mind, I stood quickly, using toilet paper to dab my face dry of tears. Using my shirt to turn the little metal knob to unlock the stall, I let the dull blue metal door swing open. Bella’s reflection was revealed in the mirror. I cringed at the sight of her blotchy face and reddened eyes. 

“Oh god,” I groaned. “How on earth am I supposed to hide this?”

Just as I was contemplating my options, my worst nightmare came true. The bathroom door swung open with a creak. I couldn’t stop my automatic reaction to jerk my head toward to the source of the noise. Jessica Stanley stood in the doorway, and I stared at her with a mixture of mortification and horror. 

Her face was unreadable. Without a word, she stepped inside and closed the door behind her, taking an awkward moment of silence to wedge the little rubbed triangle from the corner under the door. When she turned, she looked unsure. 

“I don’t know how to do this,” she started, looking anywhere but my face.

Instead of justifying my tears or playing them off or any of the million other things I could think to say, I just asked, “do what?”

She waved between us vaguely. “This. This _honesty_ thing we’re doing.”

I had no idea what that had to do with this situation, but I waited because my body was still in a state of panic over her arrival and the lump in my throat made it nye impossible to speak around. 

“So like—don’t get mad at me if I don’t do it right,” she warned. 

I nodded, swallowing. “You don’t have to do anything.”

She made a face like I should just deal with it. “Yeah, well, I’m going to.” Then she took off her backpack and made her way over the light blue counter, setting it there without ceremony.

“How did you know I was here?” I asked, watching as she dug through the contents of her lavender backpack and pulled out a small pouch I recognized as a makeup bag.

“I heard about what happened to you after English,” she replied. “I figured you might need some backup.” She waved a makeup brush in the air.

“No blue eyeshadow,” I insisted, but I couldn't help but smile at her. She was more thoughtful than she was given credit for. 

“Duh,” she snorted. “Blue would wash you out _big time._ ”

“Yeah,” I agreed. “Aim less for ‘ice queen with bright lip’ and more for an ‘earth goddess who doesn’t have time for your shit’ vibe.”

She brightened considerably, laughing at my description. We talked back and forth as she fixed my face. I did too. My muscles relaxed and I felt more myself.

“Makeup is like armor,” I told her, staring in awe at the transformation she had managed. _Damn,_ I thought. _She's really good at this._

“I guess,” she said uncertainly. “For me, it’s more like a uniform. It shows people the person I want to present.”

“Ice queen with a bright lip?” I quipped with a smile. 

She smiled with a quirk of one thin eyebrow. “That’s right. It makes me feel powerful and adaptable.”

“I like that, I'm gonna manifest that for me,” I told her, staring in the mirror. “How did you even do this so fast?”

She shrugged, placing all her magic makeup tools back into their pouches. “I’ve been doing make up for myself and anyone else that would let me since I was ten.”

“Think you might go to beauty school?” I asked her, taking a moment to wash and dry my hands. 

Snorting, she replied, “girl, if I had my life figured out, don’t you think I’d be helping you figure out yours?”

I smiled and slung a companionable arm over her shoulder. “Good point. I bet once you figured it out, you’d be great at helping others figure it out too.”

She rolled her eyes, snatching the handle of her backpack to drag it off the counter as we began moving toward the door. “Yeah right.”

“You just wait and see,” I assured her, pausing to kick the rubber door-stopper away so I could open the door with the used paper towel. Jessica held it open while I tossed it into the garbage can. I missed. I made a face. 

“Oh my god, you might not have time to eat!” blurted Jessica, drawing my attention back to her. 

I shrugged. I really wasn’t worried about it. I happened to know some people that never ate the food on their trays. If I was lucky, I could catch them. “I’ll run there right now and grab something.”

“I hate to leave you, but I promised Mike I’d loan him some of my notes,” she said apologetically. 

I waved her concern off. “You’ve done more than enough, Jess. It’ll be my turn to treat you to something next time.”

We were both backing away, headed in opposite directions. 

“You sure?” she asked, already twenty feet away. 

“Go a move on, ice queen,” I grinned, turning to begin jogging. 

I heard the delighted laugh she gave even as we grew farther apart in distance. Who knew that Jessica Stanley would be just the person I needed to run into? 

I was almost to the cafeteria when I saw Tyler Crowly, who’d been leaning up against the lockers, push off when he saw me. I tsked. I didn’t have time for this right now. I blew past him in a steady jog, not making eye contact. That was a problem for a future Hallan. Unfortunately, the universe was out to get me today because either Tyler didn’t receive the message, or he didn’t care. 

“Hey, Bella!” he called as he came even with me. 

I spared him a quick glance when he was so close his arm brushed mine. _God, I miss social distancing,_ I groaned inwardly. _Six feet, buddy, six feet._

“Tyler,” I greeted, reluctantly slowing down because I couldn’t walk fast and hold an unpleasant conversation at the same time. I didn’t multitask. “Sorry, I’m in a bit of a hurry. Did you need something?”

“I just wanted to check up on you,” he said with a confident smile. “I made it out of the hospital, but the doc said I have to go back to get a bunch of stitches removed and eventually the cast.” He gestured to the electric blue cast on his right art. “It’ll probably scar.”

_Don’t cringe, don’t cringe, don’t cringe, don’t cringe,_ I chanted inwardly. It was so awkward. Why on earth was he trying to impress someone with scars he had earned through a foolish accident where he had nearly killed two people? No, it wasn’t just awkward, it was just awful. Completely lacking in basic human empathy and defying any sort of logic. Possibly the least attractive thing he could have said. Possible. 

What did I even say to something as ridiculous as that? “Well, I’ve gotta go,” I ended up with, speeding up my strides once more. 

“Hey, wait a sec!” he protested, fighting to catch up with my long strides. 

I looked at him from the corner of my eye. “Was there something you needed?”

Frowning, he scratched the back of his head. “Are you mad at me?” he asked, sounding oddly surprised. 

I stopped walking, turning toward him. I was abruptly reminded of an experience I’d had when I was fourteen when a boy had shown a bit too much interest in me and made me uncomfortable. The ensuing trainwreck that had resulted from my inability to clearly communicate boundaries was not something I’d ever allow myself to repeat. Not to mention my poor decision-making skills. This would be different. I knew I had no interest in Tyler Crowly in any sense of the word and since I fancied myself as a reasonably emotionally mature adult, I was confident in my ability to properly communicate that. So I needed to be clear in my rejection of any potential interest.

“I would classify what I feel toward you more in the realm of _annoyance_ rather than _anger_. Anger takes up much too much energy to waste it on someone I don’t know.”

“Ouch,” he pretended to wince, but he was smiling. Did he think this was flirting “Hey, I heard you were failing English. Need a tutor? I’m decent.”

And wasn’t that just the cherry on top. _Ignore it, ignore it,_ I warned myself. _He doesn’t know it’s a touchy subject._

Did he not hear what I just said? I found him annoying. I didn’t enjoy his company. I had no desire to know him any further than I already did. Why in the name of all the Valar would I _ever_ voluntarily spend excess time with someone I held such a low opinion of?

“Thank you for offering, but I’m afraid I must decline,” I replied slowly, recognizing the formality I always used to distance myself from unsettling situations.

He nodded with a look I assumed as meant to be a charming smirk. “That’s okay, I can always ask you again tomorrow.”

Obviously he didn’t understand rejection when he heard it. Best make it clear for him. “Then you’ll be wasting your breath,” I responded coldly. I wasn’t flirting. 

I was going to bust a vein if I didn’t get out of there, so I walked away. The cafeteria had emptied of many of its inhabitants, who preferred to spend the rest of their lunch break outside or in the recreational buildings of the school. Glancing around the large room, I was thankful that the notable Cullen/Hale family was still there, minus Jasper, trays sitting in front of them. 

It felt wrong to approach the table. Like it wasn’t my space. Like I’d be intruding. Even as I recognized that about the situation, I was really hoping I could convince Alice to let me have some snacks off her tray. I hadn’t eaten since last night and I hadn’t slept at all. Lack of nutrition was going to get me killed before anything else had a chance, so I gathered up my courage and approached them. 

“Hey Alice, can I steal you away for a bit?” I requested with what I hoped was a friendly smile, stopping about ten feet away from their table. It seemed a reasonable distance. 

Alice, who no doubt heard my approach, turned to me like she was surprised to see me. “Oh, hi, Bella!” she greeted. 

I responded by raising a quizzical brow in return.

“Why don’t you join us?”

Was she insane? “I’m not here to intrude.” _I am, however, hoping to ask you to tutor me if you would just please come with me away from the table of unstable vampires,_ I thought hopefully. 

“Nonsense!” she was as cheery as ever. “Just come sit. Lunch is almost over anyways.”

Rosalie hissed under her breath, likely speaking too quickly for me to hear. I was hesitant. I really hadn’t come over with that intention. But time was a-ticking. 

Alice was up and out of her seat a bit faster than humans would be so she could drag me over to sit next to her. Edward was to my left. _Ooh, goodie,_ I grumbled inwardly. _Double cherry on top._

“They won’t mind,” she justified, a bit late since I had already been plopped down on a chair at their table. 

“They absolutely do,” I deadpanned. 

Rosalie huffed and didn’t make eye contact. At least I could understand her. She was worried about her family. Protecting her interests. I was doing the same, in my own way, by approaching Alice about tutoring me. She needn’t worry. I had no plan to bring trouble to their family. I just needed a handhold into the supernatural world so I could figure out how to get home. 

“Don’t mind Rose,” Emmet said in a voice that was probably louder than necessary.

“That’s very kind of you, Emmet,” I offered a small smile in return. “I won’t keep you long.”

_Ah yes, formality,_ I sighed inwardly. I wondered if anyone else picked up on it. Formal language was as much armor to me as makeup was. Both superficial, in a sense, but so valuable for portraying the person you wanted to be portrayed. Jessica was right.

“Did you bring a sack lunch today?” wondered Alice. “I didn’t see you in here earlier.”

“No. I just didn’t make it in early enough to get through the line.”

Frowning, she pushed her tray at me. “You need to eat, Bella. Help yourself. It’s cold, but you’re welcome to it,” she offered, but she looked at the human food dubiously. Alice had no memories of eating as a human, after all. Not that school lunches were any sort of delicacy. Hell, I looked at ‘human food’ dubiously too. In my experience with it, most of it was major sus.

“Thanks,” I murmured, grabbing the packaged snack food on the tray before zeroing in on the iced tea. “I’ll eat this later. I actually came over to as if you’d consider tutoring me in English.”

Alice blinked at me, regarding me for a moment, face remaining unchanged from her pleased expression. “No.” My face froze. “But Edward will.”

I was going to throttle her. “Alice,” I warned, eyes wide as I tried to telepathically shout at her to stop putting me in awkward situations. “Do you _want_ me further indebted to your brother? I haven’t even had the chance to thank him yet and you want me to _request further assistance?_ ” I hissed. How presumptuous did she think I was?

She remained unphased. 

Emmet piped him. “Edward’s really good with English,” he offered. 

I looked at the vampire in question. Edward regarded me with a closed-off expression. I ignored the desire to tell him to blink on occasion. “By no means do I question your knowledge of the English language,” I assured him before turning to Alice to squint at her. “I _do,_ however, question Alice’s motives.”

“Motives?” she tilted her head innocently. “What motives could I possibly have?”

“Honestly, I don’t want to know. But I know you like to scheme.” I told her, unamused by the whole innocent ruse. I wondered if she was seeing visions of the really Bella and her relationship with Edward.

“I wouldn’t mind tutoring you,” Edward interjected before Alice had the chance to defend herself. 

My head whipped around to him. “Keep in mind that I’m desperate enough to take you up on your offer,” I warned him, completely serious. I was likely not going to be an easy student. I was a very visual learner and it took me a long time to actually work something out.

His lips quirked. “I’m aware.”

Scowling, I grumbled. “Don’t tell me how you know. I swear to god I’ll die in shame. American highschool has to be Lucifer’s prototype for the ninth ring of hell.”

Emmet barked out a laugh, nodding in agreement. Rosalie, who was still pretending I didn’t exist, lifted her cheek slightly.

“I can’t pay you,” I informed him honestly. “And I sincerely doubt I have any level of superiority in any subject I might tutor you in return.”

“It’s fine,” he reiterated. “If you want to repay me, then do it in the form of answering my questions.”

My eyes sharpened on him. Now, this was interesting, this hadn’t happened in the book until Edward was sure he was attracted to Bella and couldn’t bear to leave her alone. I sincerely doubted that was the case here, which meant that he was more than likely concerned about what sort of threat—if any—I was to his family. Clever to use this as an avenue. He had moved a piece on the game board, now it was my turn.

Leaning back in my chair, I steepled my hands in my lap. “I would agree to those terms with the contingent that I retain the right to decline to answer.”

“Deal.” He said, much too quickly for my piece of mind. 

I narrowed my eyes at him for a moment before Alice broke the tension by clapping her hands together. “Wonderful!” she exclaimed. “It’s all settled.”

I stuffed the snacks from Alice’s tray into my backpack. I wasn’t about to eat in front of them. I imagine they’d be equally uncomfortable eating in front of me so I was well justified. “Which is better for you, afternoons or evenings?”

“Either.”

“Then we’ll play it by ear. I have no predetermined engagements.”

He frowned at something I couldn’t guess at but nodded. “I’ll see you in class, Bella.”

That much was unavoidable. I levered up off the table, nodding at them all and offering Alice a small, exasperated smile before I turned on my heel and headed out.

Turned out, there were many unavoidable things I would have to deal with in the future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone else have Hallan's problem? When you just start speaking really formally in situations that make you feel like you are on shaky ground?
> 
> If you're enjoying this story, please consider leaving kudos, subscribing, and bookmarking! And as always, I love to hear what you guys think in the comment section. 
> 
> I can't wait to get into the next chapter where Edward begins the whole questionnaire bit he did with Bella in the book!


	15. Let the Games Begin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not gonna lie, the first draft of this chapter was what one might commonly refer to as a trainwreck. I got a bunch of idioms wrong and had so many words and sentences flipped around...I edited it as best as I could! I'm about 90% sure I got all of them, so here's to hoping!
> 
> In any case, I hope you guys enjoy this chapter!

#  Chapter Fourteen: Let the Games Begin

Hiding was beginning to become a bad habit. I wasn’t even sure why I was doing it. Originally, my intention after leaving the cafeteria was to find a quiet place to sit and eat one of the snack packages I’d nabbed from Alice and drink my tea in peace. However, once I saw the crevice in the wall of one of the buildings around the back side. It was made between a big clunky green box that probably had to do with electricity or something and the wall itself. I hadn’t even thought about resisting. Wriggling my butt down into it so I was curled up and hugged on all sides, I had let out a long breath. It was weirdly relaxing. 

But hard to leave. 

The first bell had already rung, and I could feel anxiety making its way up my throat to choke me. Questions play ad nauseum in my mind. I hadn’t had time to prepare myself or my answers.

Edward had initiated the 20-question flag today and I had agreed to play his game. What if I had no chance but to lie? Could vampires detect a lie based on your heartbeat as they did in fiction? I couldn’t remember if that was the case in the Twilight universe. What will he ask? What if I took too long to answer? What if he found my responses suspicious? What if he saw through me? What if I slipped?

I groaned and clunked my head against the wall next to me. I was just going to have to put on my best devil-may-care attitude and pretend I wasn’t anticipating my cause of death to say ‘anxiety’ on my impending obituary. Standing, I shimmied out of the small space I’d found and dusted off my clothing with one hand. When my shoulder protested, I realized that putting pressure on it probably hadn’t been a good idea. I kept forgetting about it.

My feet picked up speed until I was running as fast as I could through the campus. Other students milled about but I only paid them enough heed to steer clear of them. It was clear they were looking for whatever I was running from. I wasn’t running from anything. I was running _to_ something. My next challenge.

Besides, this body was healthy and pain-free. Running was exhilarating. I had forgotten humans could go this fast. I wondered what it felt like to be a vampire. I imagined the world felt very small. 

Thanks to my jaunt through the campus, I wasn’t tardy. I was in my seat before the bell rang, only slightly out of breath. Once I’d plopped down beside Edward, I’d nodded in greeting and ignored the fact that he was staring at me intensely. 

_I need to do more cardio,_ I thought.

“Were you running from someone?” he asked, arching one perfect brow. 

I wondered if vampires had to wax or pluck their eyebrows; and, if that wasn’t the case, did that mean that they couldn’t grow any more hair than they already had? So if Rosalie decided to make the chop one day, it would never grow back? I could see all the pros and cons of such a scenario.

Pro tip: Distraction is better than anxiety. 

“No,” I replied. “Why?”

He stilled, as though realizing it was an odd thing to ask. And it was.

_Unless,_ I thought, _you couldn’t watch someone through the thoughts of others._

“No reason. You just seem out of breath.”

I didn’t even signify the lie with a verbal response, only hummed. Mr. Banner was standing in front of the class, holding a stack of sheets. When he began talking, I quickly retrieved my notebook and the stupid number two pencil the school made everyone use. I lamented the loss of my Uni Kuru Toga 0.5 mechanical pencil. That thing wrote like magic and did my tiny, cramp and messy handwriting justice; or at least made it legible. 

“Here’s a hand out for what we’ll be doing on Thursday,” said Mr. Banner handed a stack to the front of each row. “Take one and pass it down.”

Curious, I took the proffered paper when Edward offered it to me before handing the stack to the desk behind ours. I stared down at it in abject horror. Dissection; or more specifically, that of a frog. 

_What have I done to deserve this?_ I mourned. _What forsaken deity has cursed me with such an abhorrent experience?!_ I wanted to laugh at my own drama, but I also wanted to cry. _Life really said ‘fuck you’, huh? Woe is me._

“Excuse me?”

_Shit._ Had I said that out loud? _How much_ had I said out loud?

“Hmm?” I asked, putting on my best ‘what _ever_ could be the matter?’ face as I looked at Edward. 

He looked like he was concerned for my sanity. He could join the club. My older brother was the president, and my younger brother was the vice.

Thankfully, Mr. Banner began the class. It was fortunate that it was only a lecture with a tape of a simple experiment he wanted to show us, but didn’t think was necessary to actually do. That was fine with me. Experiments and hands-on learning in the field of science held about as much appeal as a rotting apple to me.

The second half of class was filled with a written quiz of sorts. I wasn’t sure if that was the right term for it. A piece of paper with questions I’d never need to know the answers to that would determine my worth as a human being until I entered the mindless monotony of the workforce where my worth would be determined by how much monetary gain I could provide a company with. 

_Life’s a bitch,_ I thought, making sure to keep it inside my own head this time. 

“So,” began Edward as he too packed away his supplies at the end of class. “Would this afternoon be amenable for you?”

I nodded, even though I was dead tired. “That would be great, thanks. Do you want to do it in the library? I’ll have to call Charlie and let him know I won’t need a ride home for an hour or however long you can spare.”

“The library is fine,” he agreed easily. “And if you’re comfortable with it, I could make sure you get home safely afterwards.”

“Mmm, I don’t know,” I smiled. “Charli’s a cop. Recently, he’s taken to warning me against the _evils_ of driving with teenagers. Did you know auto accidents are the leading cause of death for individuals between the ages of fifteen and twenty?”

“I think I can handle it,” he assured me with a confident quirk of his lips. 

“Oh really?” I challenged. I knew about his driving habits. “You can drive without speeding? Color me surprised.”

Amusement and irritation seemed to be fighting for dominance on his face. “I’ll be careful,” he finally settled on. 

I agreed. “Yes, you will.” Because if he didn’t I would make him pull over because my anxiety made it hard to let other people drive me. I had gotten better over the years, but a part of me still needed that assurance that I was in control, that I could leave a situation if I needed to. Back in my world, I had even gotten to the point where I could let caretaker’s drive me to appointments, and I even rode with a friend a few times. Not without backseat driving, but never mind that.

“If you don’t mind, you could use my cellphone.” Edward offered, reaching into his satchel to procure it. 

I looked at the sleek flip phone blankly. How did those work again? Setting my backpack on the desk, I reached inside one of the zipper pockets for the crumpled sticky note I had taken to having in my person. It had all Bella’s emergency contacts on it. Even the numbers of Bella’s grandparents. I had never thought about her extended family before, but seeing their unfamiliar numbers made me anxious about the day I would have to interact with them. The books hadn’t said anything about her relationship with them so I wasn’t sure how to act. In fact, I’d thought they were dead or something before Renee had mentioned them. 

“Thanks,” I smiled, taking the phone from his grasp. His hand was a bit chilly, but not the icy touch Bella had remarked on in the book. I wondered why.

I had a hard time of it. Where was the phone app? I’d never used a cellphone before. Did they have a phone app? Or was it called something else?

Embarrassed, I turned to him. “How do I get to the phone app?” I asked, not meeting his gaze. “I swear I’m not usually this stupid.” Yet here I was leaving this wonderful impression on him. 

Not that I cared. 

To his credit, Edward didn’t mock me when he instructed me to dial the number as it was written on the sticky note and press the button with the symbol of a green phone. 

“Thanks,” I repeated after I dialed Charlie’s extension at the police station, sighing in relief once the phone was ringing against my ear. 

The call connected. “This is Police Chief Charlie Swan, how can I help you?” he rattled off with little to no inflection. 

“Hey, it’s me.”

“Bella?” asked Charlie, and the way his voice lowered in volume as he said it made me think he’d pulled the phone away from his ear to look at it. “Whose phone is this? Are you alright? Do you need me to come pick you up early?”

Shit! I’d forgotten about art class. “This is Edward Cullen’s phone,” I replied instead of panicking over my conflicting plans. “No, nothing is wrong and no, I’m fine. Actually that’s why I was calling. Edward is going to help tutor me in the library and then drive me home after.”

“Edward Cullen?” he said the name as if it was unfamiliar, even if it wasn’t. We’d talked about them just last week, but I understood that the Cullens were in a bit of an ‘other’ category. People not directly related in any way to anyone you knew. So his reaction didn’t surprise me. 

“That’s right. He’s the one that pulled me out of the way of Tyler’s van.”

“Oh! He was the one?” Then he paused. “I don’t know if you should be accepting rides from boys, Bella.”

“I’ve extracted a solemn oath from him that he will not speed and that he will deliver me home post-haste. I’m really not worried about it.”

“That’s not exactly what I was getting at.”

“I’m really not worried about it. And honestly, if something _did_ happen, I’d be more worried about his sister Alice than about you if I were him,” I drawled giving Edward a sideways glance. He looked slightly uncomfortable. Beyond external threat, there was one other force of nature that wasn’t to be underestimated: his own self-hatred. I really wasn’t worried about him putting me at risk at this stage. Later, maybe, if I was perceived as a threat. But that was a problem for a future Hallan.

“That’s right, she’s your friend, isn’t she? Why can’t she drive you home?”

Frowning, I pursed my lips. “Because she didn’t offer, Charlie,” I growled. “And because she threw me to the wolves at lunch today and I’m still a touch salty.”

“Salty? Wait, what did she do?”

“Bruised my already injured pride. I’ll recover. Hey, I’ve gotta go, but I’ll call you as soon as I get back.” Best not to set the precedent that he had authority over my decisions.

“And you’re sure he’s only interested in tutoring?” Charlie's disapproving tone came through in a grainy sort of way over the phone.

Snorting, I was quick to assure him. “Positive.”

There was a beat of silence. “Bella are you having trouble with your classes?” he asked suddenly. “I knew I should have talked to Dr. Cullen about your head injury yesterday, but I was held up with crowd control!”

My eyes widened in alarm and I was glad I was facing away from Edward so he couldn’t see. _But he can hear everything Charlie is saying,_ I thought, embarrassed and upset. “I’m fine. Talk to you later.” I closed the phone quickly.

I did _not_ want Edward Cullen of all people to know about a potential head injury. That was a trump card if I ever saw one. And it was one that could be used against me to discount my word to others. 

Pasting a bright smile on my face, I turned to face him. “Thanks!” I said cheerfully. “It’s all sorted. Except I forgot about art class.”

Edward was staring holes into me with an intense gaze, but he eventually reached out and took the phone from me. “Alice is taking care of it.”

“Trying to make up for her little stunt earlier, then?” I snorted. I wasn’t really mad. I would describe my current emotion about the situation as irritation. 

His brows drew together. “Do you dislike me so much?”

“I don’t think dislike is the right word,” I told him. “I don’t hate you. How’s that?”

My tone made his mood lighten in spite of himself. “I suppose it will have to do for now. Do I at least get points for pulling you out of the way of Tyler’s van?” he wondered as we made our way out of the classroom. 

“In fact, you do!” I beamed at him. “You graduated from ‘I have a vague sense of irritation in his presence’ to ‘now I’m indebted’.”

“What an accomplishment,” he said, sarcasm dripping from his tone. 

I looked at him with a genuine smile, comforted by the knowledge that he did, in fact, have a sense of humor. I had this image in my head that he was a brooding, possessive, obsessive man who lacked confidence yet still managed to maintain all the audacity. Smother that in an unhealthy helping of self-hatred and you had Edward Cullen. It was odd seeing him ‘break character’, but a good sort of strange. 

After a moment, he murmured, “I didn’t do it so you’d be indebted to me, you know,” he put his hands in his pocket. 

I was about to answer but I was stopped when Mike Newton of all people ran up to us. Honestly in the drama of the day I had forgotten he existed. 

“Bella! Where are you off to?” he asked, moving his hands around awkwardly until he finally settled them on his hips. 

I blinked at him. “The library,” I replied shortly. 

Mike glanced at Edward. “You’re not going to Gym?”

Raising both my eyebrows up, I kept my tight smile pasted firmly in place. I gestured at my dislocated arm. “Charlie called the school to get me excused for the week.”

Mike didn’t look pleased. “And what about you?” he asked, sounding snide. I wondered if I recorded his voice and played it back to him if he would be able to hear just how obnoxious his tone sounded. If I had my phone, I would have.

“Since I’m already fluent in Spanish, Mrs. Goff isn’t worried if I have a few absences here and there.”

“So you’re going together?”

My irritation, which usually simmered at a steady two out of ten jumped to a six. I was done with this beating around the bush bullshit. I’d tried to be diplomatic about it, sensitive to his feelings. But I wasn’t going to do this anymore. I didn’t like the passive-aggressive way he was trying to insert himself into my life. “Is that a problem?” I asked, eyes hard. 

Mike didn’t seem to know what to say, so instead of saying much of anything, he just sulked. “No,” he grumped. 

“Good,” I stepped close into his personal space, speaking low. “Because last time I checked, I’m the one who gets to decide who I spend my time with and in what capacity. Were you under the impression that had changed? Please tell me what it was that I did to cause you to assume such a thing so that I can rectify it _immediately_.”

Mike shrunk back. I thought he would say something, maybe defend himself, but he just walked away quickly and didn’t look back. Had I gone too far? What a fine line I had to walk. Something between annihilating his ego and being sensitive to his emotions. Somehow I think I may have gone from one end of the spectrum to the other.

“That was mean,” remarked Edward when I turned around to face him, sounding delighted. 

I grimaced. “It felt like kicking a puppy. Now I have guilt.”

He shook his head, still seeming to enjoy himself. “Don’t feel bad,” he advised cheerfully with a glint in his eyes. His laughter wasn’t comforting.

I held up my hands. “I don’t even want to know what you think is so funny.”

Edward continued to enjoy whatever he’d heard in Mike’s thoughts on the way to the library, and I became less and less sure I’d made progress with Mike. It seemed he may continue to be troublesome. 

Once we reached the library, we settled in the back corner at a table. It was empty, so we didn’t have to worry about making noise. 

“I hope he doesn’t spread any rumors,” I grumbled to myself, letting my backpack fall to the table. 

“Trust me, he won’t.”

I didn’t ask him to elaborate so he just smirked. 

“So, shall we begin?” I asked, ready to stop agonizing over the ramifications of what I’d done. I’d thought that spelling it out for him would make him get the message, but I wondered now from Edward’s response if I’d actually caused the opposite. 

I was thankful he was done being smug. Shaking his head, he became serious. “I have no idea about where you stand academically.”

What a coincidence, I didn’t either. We had so much in common. 

“So how about we start off with your strengths and weaknesses.”

I assumed he meant in English. “Right, I suppose that’s easy enough. I’m best at writing where I get to showcase character development and emotive prose. Fiction is best but I can bullshit my way through a paper well enough by using a simple format: introduction paragraph, paragraph one, two, and three, followed by a conclusive paragraph. But I suck at the technical stuff.” Grammarly was not a thing in 2005 and I missed it _so. much._

He nodded. Then let’s focus on sentence structures and formatting for now. I assume you’re fine in the vocabulary department?”

“I can carry on an intelligent conversation for the most part but let’s just say I’m not about to wow anyone with my SAT vocabulary prowess.”

He nodded. “Then we’ll work on that if we come across it.”

And the lesson began.

Edward Cullen had more patience than the books had indicated. Maybe as a result of being brought up in slower times before technology sent the world into hyperspeed, or maybe because he’d been alive long enough that he wasn’t bothered by my constant lack of comprehension. He continued to repeat instructions or find new ways to explain things to me without complaint.

Needless to say, I had to fight through a fair bit of shame. I couldn’t seem to wrap my head around some of the finer concepts he was teaching. He’d show me an example, and I’d do it like he’d done it, but somehow it was still wrong. I wasn’t irritated so much as disappointed in myself by the time our study time had finished. 

“I’m sorry,” I sighed, not meeting his eyes. “I really do appreciate this, though.”

“What are you apologizing for?” he asked. I wasn’t looking at his face, but I could tell he was frowning. “I don’t expect you to understand the material we’re working with right off the bat. You already told me this was where you struggled.”

I swallowed thickly. “It’s just that I didn’t grasp what you were teaching even though you spent an hour and a half going over it with me.” I tried to smile but I knew it probably looked forced. “You’re really patient. Thanks for all your hard work today.”

“Thank you for yours. I’m not sure I understand why you’re failing the class, though. You’re proficient enough in much of what we went over that I would think the teacher wouldn’t call you out on it.”

Sighing, I deflated. “I was in advanced courses in Phoenix up until a few months ago,” I confessed, defeated. For as stupid as Bella seemed in the books, she’d actually been a very intelligent person with a high level of comprehension. I wondered what got lost in translation. “But it’s different now, and my GPA is suffering; that’s probably why the teachers are concerned.”

He shifted, looking unsure for a minute. “Does this have anything to do with a head injury?” he finally asked. 

It did, and it didn’t. Yes, but not in that way. I smiled ruefully. “Something happened a long time ago. I thought I was done dealing with it. I’m really fine. I just need to make sure Mr. Mason doesn’t fail me. He seems like a pretty strict teacher though.”

“You’d have to do a lot to fail,” he comforted. “Constant absences, refusing to cooperate in class, and not handing in homework and such.”

So what? Was Mr. Masson just yanking my chain for the fun of it?

“But there’s room for improvement if that’s what you want.”

“It is.” I answered before I thought about it. And that was the truth. For so long, improvement had been a hope for the distant future, and not something attainable and within reach. But Edward was right there and he was offering improvement to me in a way I could actually use it. 

“Then we’ll work at it.”

I finally got the courage to look into his golden eyes. I needed to thank him. “Why are you helping me?”

_That’s not what I meant to say._

“Because I don’t understand you,” he confessed. I knew that already. “When I agreed, I thought I’d use this chance to remedy that.”

Was his reasoning different now? The way he phrased it almost made me think so.

“You’ve piqued my interest again.”

“Because of an alleged head injury?” I raised a brow at him. 

He shook his head with a slight smile. “No, though I do want to know about that too. But at the moment, I’m more interested in your showmanship.”

My brain stopped and mulling over the words felt like softening clay between my hands. “Showmanship?” I repeated, the word sounding odd and unfamiliar though I knew I’d heard it before. 

“You put on such a production,” he steepled his hands. “I’d like to see what you’ve got going on behind it.”

I snorted because that was easy. “It’s really just anxiety and the constant need to control my environment.”

“Interesting.”

I had to laugh at the look he was giving me. I was ninety-nine percent sure he was looking at me with that over-exaggerated look to get me to laugh and it worked. Like he was looking at some sort of newly discovered creature. “I’m not a lab rat,” I huffed, still amused. 

“No, I imagine lab rats are more cooperative subjects.”

“I’m very cooperative.”

“You’re not,” he drawled. “Now, it’s _my_ turn; so let’s head for the car.”

Groaning, I stood. “Time for the Spanish Inquisition already?”

“That’s right,” replied Edward. “You just warmed up to me some, so I figure I’d better get in some questions before you freeze me out again.”

I squinted at him. “Just what do you think of me?” I tsked. 

“I think you’re interesting.”

“I think you’re weird.”

“That’s fair,” he acknowledged. “Maybe I’ll graduate from weird to something more favorable.”

I patted the back of his shoulder in a friendly way. It was the first time I’d initiated it, and it didn’t feel forced or awkward, so I let any potential anxiety about it float away. Edward himself seemed surprised by my how of casual physical contact, brief though it was. 

“I guess everyone has to have goals,” I said in a teasing and slightly patronizing tone. “Though, I’m not sure why you’d care what I thought of you one way or the other. As for me, I’ll just stick with interesting for now.” 

“You’re just as strange to me as I am to you, I think.”

Giving him a winning smile, I responded with good cheer. “Why thank you.”

Edward only shook his head as he guided me to his infamous ‘shiny Volvo’. Like the antique gentleman he was, he opened the door politely and waited for me to climb in, looking like some sort of fancy valet or something. I did so without reservation. Somehow, over the course of the afternoon, he’d managed to make me feel more at ease in his presence, but I couldn’t find it in me to mind. Mostly because I was exceedingly grateful for his time and effort. And the other part...well. The other part I was going to ignore because no good could come from hoping. Hope and prayers were for the faithful, and I’d been abandoned by the powers that be too often to trust any sort of _hope._

“What are you thinking about?” he asked. 

He had climbed into the drivers seat. 

“You’re going to waste a question on _that_?” I wondered. “I could be thinking about nacho cheese dip for all you know.”

He wrinkled his nose. “Do you eat that?”

“What? No. Why would I eat that garbage? It’s only one molecule away from plastic.” I repeated that little tidbit of knowledge my older brother had gleefully imparted to me whilst I was in the middle of eating said nacho cheese dip. Hell, I didn’t even know if that was true. “I should google that,” I muttered. 

“So you _were_ thinking about nacho cheese dip.”

My lips quirked. “No, I was thinking of the hopelessness of man against the delusion of omnipotent deities.”

He looked over at me, as though he doubted me. “You were?”

“I was.”

“Why?”

“It was time for my daily existential crisis. Three-thirty sharp, every day,” I tossed my hair. “It coincides quite nicely with my art class and adds a bit of _angst_ into whatever piece we’re working on.”

“It’s my understanding you’re currently working on drawing a still life of a bowl of fruit.”

I wasn’t going to ask how he knew that. “I am.”

Barking out a laugh, he turned the keys in the ignition. “I look forward to seeing your rendition of a fruit bowl having an existential crisis.”

Fighting hard not to laugh as well because I thought I was funny, I replied, “I like to focus on the disappointment aspect, so brace yourself for the inevitable mediocracy.” Good, now he wouldn’t be expecting anything good.

“You enjoy lowering other’s expectation of yourself.”

He was a faster learner. I shrugged, not bothering to deny it. “The lower the expectations, the easier it is to surpass them. A cheap way of getting serotonin via social validation, but effective nonetheless.”

“What an...interesting way of looking at things.”

I grimaced. “I’m going to get a complex about that word.”

“You can store it alongside your jaded view of the world, then.”

Snorted, I rolled my eyes. “As though you have any room to talk. _You_ are incapable of taking a compliment without demeaning yourself in some way and you can _forget_ about acknowledging any sort of accomplishment. Your self-deprecation borders on pathological.”

“We weren’t talking about me.”

“No, but I’m sure we’ll get to you soon enough,” I stated matter-of-factly.

_Specifically, if he ever tries to watch me sleep. In that case, some mandatory character development will be in order._ I thought to myself, though, sitting with him now and trading banter made the possibility of him crossing that boundary feel unrealistic. 

“Then I’ll enjoy my ego while it lasts. Why did you move to Forks?” The way he said it didn’t make it sound like a question.

_Alright, then,_ I thought. _Jumping right into it._

“Renee’s new husband travels for work and she wanted to go with him. I didn’t.” I stated, like it had been the simplest decision in the world and not one I had agonized over. I had considered skipping the entire premise of Twilight and going with Renee, but in this unfamiliar world where I couldn’t anticipate what sort of trouble Bella would draw to her, I chose the devil I knew. If that devil happened to be a family of vampires that may or may not lead me to finding my way back home, who was I to say no? “That, and I was keen to leave Phoenix.” I made a piteous face, grimacing. “It’s hotter than hell down there.”

“Why didn’t you live with your father before if you dislike Phoenix so much?”

I wasn’t prepared for that route of questioning. I had assumed he would latch onto the family dynamics like he had in the book. My Spanish may be abysmal, but it was a good thing I was fluent in bullshit. “I had roots down. Makes it hard to leave a place.”

“Even if you don’t like it?”

Now that was something that was easy to explain, even if I wasn’t being entirely truthful in its application in this context. “Sometimes when you’ve been in a shitty situation for so long, it becomes normal. And even though you could leave that situation, you don’t because that’s your shit and it’s familiar and even if it sucks, it’s less intimidating than the unknown.”

“So you dislike change.”

“I like controlling change,” I corrected. “I don’t like change controlling me. Though, I do enjoy a certain level of consistency. What can I say? Humans are creatures of habit.”

His eyes flashed to me at the word ‘human’. “And have you found Forks to be....less shitty?”

My eyes widened. “Edward Cullen, did you just curse? I didn’t think you had it in you.”

“I don’t make a habit of it.”

“I like the extra emphasis it gives,” I explained, not bothering to mention that most of the swearing I did was in my head. I hadn’t grown up doing it, so if there wasn’t a reason to use it I generally didn’t just out of habit.

“You didn’t answer my question.”

Sighing, I let my head fall back against the headrest. “Yes, Forks is better. I like the rain and the forest and the ocean and the moss and the mountains.”

He hummed. “You don’t strike me as an out-of-doors type of person.”

“You’ve got me there. I’m much happier observing it from inside with a hot cup of tea.” And a decently sized fan fiction, but I wasn’t about to be interrogated on my internet habits by someone from the early two-thousands. 

“What about music?”

“Music is good. I like music that makes me feel something. Ethereal music or sad music or intense scores... all of those are good. But I also like what nouveau songwriters bring to the table with heartfelt lyrics written for their expression and not for their sales.”

He looked frustrated by my explanation. “Can I have an example?” 

“No,” I replied, because I was pretty sure AURORA, Lorde, Birdy, Anson Seabra, Noah Cyrus, *deep breath*, John Powell, Howard Shore, Gareth Coker, Helen Jane Long, or Ludovico Einaudi were currently available for me to listen to. Then realization hit me. “Actually yes, I love Howard Shore’s soundtrack for the Lord of the Ring movies.” And the Hobbit movies. Then I gasped. “Oh! Oh! And big band jazz. I love that stuff.”

Yup. I was using words like ‘stuff’ now. A good indication that my guard was down.

He looked pleasantly surprised. “You like big bad jazz?”

“I used to swing dance.”

Brightening, he didn’t notice his speed increasing. “I didn’t realize you were a dancer.”

“Slow down,” I ordered, before answering. “And I’m not. Hence the ‘used to’ part of the sentence. I don’t remember how anymore, and even when I _did_ swing dance, I just did it with my friends and we just did it for fun. Nothing close to historically accurate. We were all pretty horrible.”

“Would you show me?” he shot me a dazzling smile.

But his words were so horrible, I could feel its effects bouncing right off of me. “May I offer an alternative?” I asked, eyebrows raised in a sarcastic smile. “How about you stop the car, I get out, and then I’ll just lay down in front of it and you can step on the gas.”

“That bad?”

“Worse.”

“Well, now I’m even more interested.”

“Well get _un_ interested because it’s not happening.”

He didn’t appear worried, which in turn made me worried. _I swear, if he blackmails me into doing it, I’m going to go down to the rez, dare Leah or Seth to steal one of Paul or Sam’s T-shirts, and infuse a quart of water with it. Then I’ll put it in a spray bottle and use it for my vengeance._ I thought, glaring at him imagining spraying his nose whenever he misbehaved like he was some sort of troublesome cat. 

He chuckled at my expression. I huffed and turned away to look out the window. I blinked at our surroundings. “How long have you been driving around the block?” I asked, raising a sardonic brow. It was the block in front of Charlie’s house.

“Long enough to learn you used to ‘swing dance’ and that you would be embarrassed to show anyone.” 

The dude wasn’t the least bit ashamed. “Well, would you look at that, it’s Charlie’s house!” I said in mock surprise, tone cheery and bright. “Guess I’d better get going.”

Still mirthful, he parked so I could get out. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Bella.”

_And hopefully, not before,_ I thought, thinking of my bedroom window.

“Until tomorrow, then.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have the vague sensation of sitting at the very top of a rollercoaster in those brief moments before you go over the edge and you leave your stomach behind... Here we go, everyone!
> 
> As always, if you are enjoying this story, please consider leaving a comment and kudos, and if you want to continue reading, please subscribe!
> 
> Thank you all for reading!


	16. Drained

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To make up for how long I've been gone, here is an extra-long chapter for you all! I had no idea how long this was until I edited it and looked at the word count. It's about double the word count. Maybe a bit less. I hope you enjoy it! Thank you all for being so patient <3 My health has been in decline since mid-December. I'm doing okay! Still at home, not in the hospital, but it's been a near thing a few times. That's why it's taken me longer than usual to get this out. I dearly hope this chapter makes sense. My brain has not been functioning at its highest capacity...

#  Chapter Fifteen: Drained

A frown furrowed my brow as I concentrated on the notes I’d taken earlier that afternoon during my study session with Edward. The end of the stupid number two pencil was tapping against the table in agitation. I hadn’t understood everything he had tried to impart to me, but I thought that I’d grasped a good amount. 

Now, looking at my copious notes, I was beginning to doubt that. It had seemed so much easier to comprehend this afternoon; and seeing as I had comprehended very little, it said a lot about how much I was able to understand now. 

I was sitting in the kitchen, surrounded by the horrible yellow cabinets, gritting my teeth and bouncing my leg. Charlie walked in with an empty beer can. 

“Having trouble, Bells?” asked Charlie as he bent to open the cabinet under the sink and throw away his trash. 

I grunted. “This seemed so much easier when Edward was explaining it.”

“What are you working on?”

“Ugh, please don’t make me talk about it,” I pleaded, pushing my notes away from me. “I need a brain break.”

Charlie nodded. “Sure. So this Edward...you liked spending time with him?”

Squinting at him, I crossed my arms. “Why do you want to know?”

“No reason,” he hedged.

Like I was going to buy that. “Just ask,” I raised a brow at him in challenge.

“Well,” began Charlie. “Are you two...you know.”

“Dating?” I supplied wryly, resisting the urge to tease him with particularly shocking language.

Charlie was avoiding eye-contact, looking uncomfortable. 

“I’m not dating anyone right now,” I let him know, because I really didn’t want to beat around the bush. 

“Oh?” he brightened. “Well, maybe that’s for the best.”

It rubbed me the wrong way a little, but I knew enough about myself to know it had nothing to do with Charlie and everything to do with my strict upbringing. That urge to assert oneself as an individual in a desperate attempt to maintain any sort of identity in the face of the virtues you were pressured to encompass...it wasn’t unfamiliar to me. I reigned it in because I knew it wasn’t Charlie’s intention to imprison me in his ideals or take away my autonomy. 

Not only that, but I kind of agreed with him simply because I wasn’t of this world. I was OTHER in a way I doubted anyone would be able to understand. To become immersed in a relationship would divide my interests, and that would be bothersome indeed. How could I allow my heart to commit to a person I had no plans of staying with? It wouldn’t be fair to the other person when I finally managed to find my way home.

“Are you meeting with him again tomorrow?” Charlie wanted to know. 

“Probably? I need to get my grades up in English. We’re playing it by ear. I want to be sure I’m not monopolizing his free time, even if I find him to be very supremely beneficial.”

Charlie nodded before he left the room to go back to watching the game, repeating the word I’d just used. “Beneficial, huh?” I heard him mutter from the living room.

I pretended I couldn’t hear him.

That night the wind rattled the windows while rain pelted the glass panes. The sounds made me uneasy. Every time I was about to fall asleep, the window would rattle once more and I would jerk to full consciousness, awake and afraid Edward was outside the window. If he was I was sure he could have heard my heart beating an uneven rhythm against my ribs. Needless to say, my night was almost entirely devoid of sleep. 

I ended up showering at three in the morning, expecting I wouldn’t sleep the rest of the night. But as I was standing in front of the mirror, thinking about applying makeup or experimenting with Bella’s generously thick hair, my eyes felt heavy. I was thankful for the lull in the storm so I could finally rest. It was a shame that Charlie had to get to the station early so had to drop me off at school early too. Something was going on at the station and he hadn’t really been receptive when I’d tried prodding him for information, so I had yet to know what it was. Needless to say, I was exhausted.

So, it made sense that I looked like an extra that had just walked off the Walking Dead movie set by the time I made it to school. I was pleasantly surprised to see Jessica already in the parking lot.

“Jessica…” I groaned when I caught sight of her leaning against her car, sort of lolling toward her as I walked. 

Upon seeing me, she let out a small high pitched sound I might have classified as a scream. “Oh my god, Bella, what the hell happened to you?!” She seemed to be startled by my appearance.

“Help?” I whined, slouching and tipping my head back to showcase my abysmal appearance to her.

Obviously it was cause for alarm because she shoved the thermos she was holding into my hands, she ordered, “Drink.”

And I did. “Did you just give me your coffee? Is this your way of confessing your undying love for me?” I teased her. 

“It might as well be,” she smiled, eyes crinkling. “Here. Hold still. I don’t have the stuff for a full face, so we’ll make do with concealer, mascara, and brows for now.”

I may have muttered something in assent but I was too busy drinking her coffee. “Did you make this?” I asked, looking up at the sky as she applied a generous amount of concealer beneath my eye. It would have to do in place of color corrector. “It’s so good.”

“Thanks,” she replied, a bit sheepishly. “I’ve been making my parents coffee since forever.”

I hadn’t been allowed to drink coffee at this age, and by the time I was deemed old enough, my doctors had told me to avoid it. Coffee, alcohol, carbonated beverages, drugs, and a myriad of other things. 

“I’ll just have another two sips,” I promised, sipping again and letting the rich taste flow over my mouth. 

“You can have it all if you want. That’s what I had left in the pot after we all had our cups this morning,” she explained, already moving onto her next project. I was impressed at how quickly she had finished with my concealer. If it had been me, I would have fussed with it for about ten minutes until it was blended out just right. She’d managed to cover my under eyes and my other trouble spots in less than two minutes.

“That’s nice of you, but I’m not a big coffee drinker. I never acquired the taste for it.”

Making a disapproving face at me, she frowned as she brushed my eyebrows into submission and used her pencil to fill them in. “How can you not like _coffee_?” 

“No clue. I like the way it smells though.”

“How are you even alive right now?”

I barked out a laugh that sounded only a little hysterical. “Now that’s something _I’d_ like to know as well.”

“Okay, look up again. I’m going to do your mascara.”

I did as she directed, blinking when she told me to. Getting your make-up put on by someone else was always a hassle but Jessica was good at handling me, cupping my face securely in her other hand so I wouldn’t bob or move too much.

“Okay, that’s as good as it’s going to get with what I’ve got,” said Jessica, nodding firmly.

“Gee, thanks,” I snorted, but felt refreshed despite my sarcasm.

“You look fine. Why are you here so early? You could have gotten more sleep, you know.”

“Charlie needed to head into the station early and so that means I had to head to school early too. It normally wouldn’t be a big deal since I’ve been up at ungodly hours on a regular basis anyways, but I’d only just gotten to sleep.”

“Geez, Bella. What were you doing all night?”

“Going over the study material and reading from yesterday’s English class and tutoring. I’m really trying to grasp the concepts but they feel like they’re dancing just out of reach.”

“That’s right,” she nodded, taking the thermos back from me for a minute to take her own sip. “I don’t have time right now because I promised Lauren I’d meet with her to talk, but you’re going to give me all the deets from your steady session with Edward later.”

_Deets?_ It took my brain a moment before it translated. I accepted the coffee back from her. “The study session was good. There’s not that much else to say. Thanks, Jess! See you later,” I called cheerfully as she stepped away, walking backwards so she was facing me. “I’ll make it up to you soon. Maybe shopping in Port Angelos on a weekend?”

Her eyes brightened and she froze. “You want to go shopping with me?”

“Hell yeah.”

Her whole countenance brightened. “I won’t let you take it back!” she practically sang as she pivoted and darted off to get to wherever Lauren was waiting for her. 

Pushing away my reservations about Lauren, I hoped that she would have a good time. 

_I should buy her something while we’re out,_ I thought. Not because I was trying to pay her for doing my makeup or anything, but more because I wanted to do something nice for her, and gift-giving was one of my favorite ways to show someone I appreciated them. A thoughtful gift in beautiful packaging. I warmed at the thought, already moving faster thanks to Jessica’s coffee. I belatedly realized I was still holding her thermos. I looked at it ruefully before shaking my head and taking a deep swig. 

“Well, I guess I won’t let it go unappreciated then,” I decided. Snapping the lid closed and picking up my bag, I headed in the direction of the administrator’s office. I needed to stop by anyways and since I had all this free time now, it was perfect.

I was surprised that there was a student leaving. He looked like a freshman. It was early, so I hadn’t expected anyone else to be around. When his eyes flickered down the sling I still wore, the boy kindly held the door open for me.

“Thanks,” I smiled at him, nodding as I stepped inside. It would have been difficult to open it with my injured arm occupied by the thermos and the uninjured on hauling the bag.

The black-haired boy murmured a small reply before he let the door closed, and then I was standing in the room alone with Mrs. Cope. She looked up from the papers she’d been shuffling around on her desk.

The welcoming smile she gave me helped me to relax. “Uh oh,” she drew out, smiling teasingly. “What’s happened now?”

I tsked, straightening. “Do I have to be in trouble to visit you? Mrs. Cope, I am _hurt!_ ”

She chortled out a laugh, eye crinkling and shoulders bobbing for a moment. She really was such a warm person. Everything about her spoke of warmth and comfort. “Prove me wrong and I’ll reconsider, Ms. Swan.”

Grinning, I sauntered up to her desk, swinging my backpack down to rest by my feet. “Prepare to reconsider! I’m actually here to ask to extend my absentee status for Gym and Art for a week. I don’t think I’ll be able to participate.”

“You can’t draw something with one hand?” she raised one red eyebrow from behind her rectangular purple spectacles. “What’s wrong with the right one?”

“Other than being a bit overworked, it’s generally fine. The problem is that we’re working on easels, and it’s difficult to tape and prep the paper one-handed. Not to mention, sometimes it’s necessary to hold the artboard with your other hand to steady it if you’re going in with an eraser or putting on a base layer of charcoal where your motions are more aggressive,” I explained, motioning with quick and jarring motions with my right hand to mimic what ‘going in’ looked like.

“Hmm. Well, I’ll have to check with Mr. Rodriguez, but it should be fine. Charlie already provided a doctor’s note. Will you just go home early then?”

“I’m actually being tutored by a classmate at the moment to help raise my grades. I’d like to be able to devote more energy to that since it’s something I can easily do with an injured arm.”

She squinted at me as if questioning whether or not I was serious. “I heard your ‘tutor’ is the youngest Cullen boy. Is that true?”

I rolled my eyes. “God, but everyone loves to talk about it,” I grumbled. “Yes, it’s true. The whole thing is hella embarrassing. He’s got to be one of the most intelligent students at this school and I get to show him just how far below average I am on a regular basis now. Not that I’m not ecstatic that he’s willing to push through my issues to tutor me, but still. My pride has taken a serious beating.”

Her face held something between concern and confusion. “I thought you were dating that boy? All the girls are in a tizzy!” she clucked, chuckling a bit at my expense. 

I laughed. “With Edward? Please. I’m the textbook definition of below average.”

She shook her head, pursing her lips to the side. “I don’t think so. And I don’t know that boys your age would really care about that sort of thing anyways. He probably fancies himself your white knight or something.”

I smiled at that.

“Boys get crushes just as well as girls do you know,” she informed me sagely, folding her hands over her soft middle. Her physique was comforting because it was similar to my mom’s and familiarity was a rare find these days. “And I have never, in all the time that he’s been here, ever heard of Edward taking any interest in his fellow classmates at all. Did you think you were the first person who asked him to tutor them? He had girls lining up like it was some episode of the Bachelor for months after he arrived! Still does, probably.”

“His sister asked him to,” I informed her, shaking my head. I knew what she was trying to say but it really was just impossible. Isabella Swan was Edward’s soulmate and though I was in her body, I did not have her soul. “If anything, I think he’s probably just curious about me.”

“So you admit he’s interested,” said Mrs. Cope, smiling knowingly. 

“Ew,” my lips curled into a scowl. “I don’t trust people who think I’m attractive.”

She either thought that was funny or she thought I was joking because she laughed heartily, leaning back in her chair so she could tip her head up. Then her eyes caught on the clock. 

Gasping, she shot upright, arms outstretched to the sorting area where she kept her slips. “Oh my lord, school’s already started! Here,” she hurriedly scrawled something on a purple piece of paper, filling out the lines. “Give this to your first teacher. Mr. Mason, right?”

“Yeah. What is that?”

“It’s a pass to get you excused from tardiness. We’ll just keep this our secret,” she gave me a conspiratorial wink as she handed it to me. I took it and put it in the hand of the arm in the blue sling.

This time, I was the one laughing lightly. “Mrs. Cope, someone ought to bring you cookies.”

She waggled her eyebrows. “I accept donations, but not bribery.”

“Understood!” I saluted her stiffly before snatching my bag from the floor and jogging for the door. I was grateful it was an emergency style handle and note one I would need to turn. “Have a great day, Mrs. Cope!” I called behind me as I left. 

“You too, dear!” I heard her answer as I was practically sprinting for building three. 

It took me an extra minute to finagle the door open with both hands full, but I managed. My footsteps were louder in the mostly quiet hall, and I could hear the teachers droning on in the classrooms as I passed so I knew they could hear me. When I came to Mr. Mason’s room, I quietly opened the door. 

The man halted in whatever he was saying to turn away from the blackboard and give me a slightly disparaging look. “Ms. Swan,” he greeted, sounding a bit put out. “How lovely of you to join us.”

I waved the purple slip between two fingers to draw attention to it. Mr. Mason’s eyes fell to it, but he looked no less displeased. Holding out his hand he stepped forward, I tried to angle my arm up so he could grab it but he waved me off. Pushing his glasses up with one hand, he stared down at the paper, mouthing the words as he read it. 

“Very well, your tardiness is excused,” he grumbled. “Please take your seat and do make an effort not to interrupt my class again.”

I turned from him, pursing my lips slightly as I headed for my desk. The man was rubbing my nerves the wrong way. I settled in my chair, and sighed softly as he continued on with the lecture.

“Psst!” Eric Yorkie had one hand cupped around his mouth, as though shielding Mr. Mason from hearing the sound.

I looked over at him in question. 

He smiled sheepishly. “Don’t mind him, he’s been in a bad mood all morning,” he advised kindly. 

I gave him a genuine smile in return because I could tell that Eric was really being sincere and not using it as an opening to flirt. “Thanks, Eric.”

He nodded, smiling again as he ducked his head to look back down at his book. After I’d pulled mine out, he angled his toward me and pointed to the page number, then the paragraph. The passage was easy to find thanks to his intervention. Mouthing a silent thank you to him, I too began to concentrate on the lecture. 

I did not speak to Mr. Mason as I left the classroom. Maybe I could have. But I knew that I wasn’t ready to. What would I say to him? I wasn’t even sure because I hadn’t done any research to use to confront him. Knowing myself, I would likely just explode with frustration and probably cry. And, because I wasn’t sure what such a debacle would even accomplish, I found no use in attempting to gain an audience with the stingy teacher. If it became an ongoing issue, I would take Charlie and speak to the principal about it. This wasn’t my game, so I had to play by the administration’s rules, or at least operate in a fashion that adhered to them. 

I was exhausted by the time lunch came around. Lumbering into the cafeteria, I saw Jessica in the line and walked over to her. “I’ll give you five bucks if you get my tea for me.” I stated instead of greeting her. I felt like if I had to stand in line for it, it wasn’t worth it today. I already had the cash in hand, ready for her to take.

“Hello to you too,” returned Jessica, tossing her hair back over her shoulder before noting, “You still look tired.”

“Thus the caffeinated tea.”

She made a face. “Are you sure you don’t want anything else, Bella?”

“God no,” I groaned, letting my head fall back. “Mr. Banner has this bright idea to make us dissect frogs tomorrow and today he’s going to be doing the lecture portion. I just _know_ he’s going to have a gross slideshow or something and the last thing I want is to have to high-tail it out of the classroom to empty my stomach.”

Laughing, she took the six dollars from my hand. Five for her, one to pay for the tea. “Okay, fine, you make a good point. Go sit down and hold my spot for me.”

As unnecessary as that would be for me to do, I agreed. Jessica always sat in the same place and I’d never seen anyone sit there before she got there. Approaching the table, I recognized two of the faces of the people who were already there. Angela Weber and Mike Newton. 

_At least it isn’t Tyler,_ I thought, mentally counting my lucky stars. 

I nodded to the others in greeting but focused on Angela. I just didn’t have the mental bandwidth today to extend energy into peopling anymore than strictly necessary. “Hi, Angela. Jessica told me to save her spot for her.”

“Sure thing,” answered Angela, smiling as she scooted over so there was space between where she was sitting and where Jessica usually sat. “If you don’t mind, you can sit next to me today too.”

“I wouldn’t mind at all,” I replied, snagging an unused chair from an empty table nearby and inserting it in the empty space so I could sit in it. “How are you today?”

She looked like I’d put her on the spot, big brown eyes widening. I wondered if this was an abnormal thing for highschoolers to ask one another. “I’m good,” she answered shyly.

“I’m glad.”

It was important that I kept a friendly dialogue open with Angela because if Bella ever returned to her own body, I knew there was a high likelihood that Angela would be the one she was drawn to most out of all her human friends. I didn’t want to ruin that. Angela was a nice person, but I didn’t feel any emotional connection with her at this time that suggested a desire to pursue a deeper relationship. But who knew what could happen between now and whenever. There were few things I was sure of anymore. 

The dark-haired girl spread some salad onto her fork before asking, “Have any plans this weekend?”

“Actually, yes,” I nodded, and that fact surprised me even though I’d been the one to make plans in the first place. “Jess and I are going shopping in Port Angeles. I’ve never done that before so I’m really excited.”

“You’ve never gone shopping?”

“No, I’ve been,” I clarified, a smile tugging at my lips. “I’ve just never gone shopping for the sake of having fun with a friend.” By the time I’d been interested in such outings, I’d been unable to go anywhere without a caregiver. It wasn’t fair to my friends; they had no clue what to do when I passed out in front of them. It was always a bit of an awkward conversation beforehand, telling them about the warning signs and not to freak out if it happened and, if they could, try to keep my head from hitting anything on the way down. Some of my friends were more comfortable with this than others, and it was easy to tell them apart. I didn’t blame them, but I couldn’t deny that some part of me felt rejected when old friends reacted badly to whatever level of function I was currently capable of. I wasn’t proud of it, but that didn’t mean I hadn’t clawed my way up from hell to get to where I was. 

Jessica clattered her tray down beside me then, and I startled at the sudden noise. 

“Here you go, Bella,” she smiled goodnaturedly, passing me my tea as she plopped down on my right. Her eyes flicked around the table. “Are you talking about our trip to Port Angeles?”

“Yeah, Angela asked if I had plans for the weekend.”

Jessica’s eyes flashed with recognition. “Oh! That’s right! I forgot to ask you. Yesterday a group of us made plans to go to the movie theatre for a matinee on Sunday. You in?”

That sounded like fun! Except for the fact that I would have to sit through a movie. I wasn’t terribly fond of them. All the visual stimulation, fast camera view switches, and flashy scenes never mixed well for me. It was why I leaned heavily toward slower TV. Documentaries, British television, animated kid’s movies, and also hand-drawn animation as I found it was less likely to have as much visual stim as live-action movies did simply for simplicity's sake. I was the sort of person that liked slow, meticulous activities. Like embroidering, penmanship, bookbinding, and clothes making. I wasn’t the homemaker brand of crafty, more _artsy_ than anything else, but I had been able to help my mom sew up holes and put buttons back on. It hadn’t been much but it had made me feel like I was contributing in some small way.

“As fun as that sounds, I’m totally exhausted from this week and it’s not even Friday. I think I’ll pass this time, but thanks for asking,” I propped my head on my palm to give my neck a rest. My shoulder throbbed in time with the subtle headache in my temples and the ache in my neck.

“I get that. I’m tired too,” Jessica agreed. “But I’m the type that gets tired of being alone.”

Chuckling, I took another swig of my tea. “You’re an extrovert for sure,” I told her. “I’m an introvert through and through. I prefer silence or noise of my own making for the majority of my time.”

Angela seemed to agree because she nodded, causing her glasses to slip down her nose. “Me too,” she said as she adjusted her spectacles. “I love the sound of pen on paper.”

“Yessss,” I snapped twice to show my appreciation of the comment. It must have been an odd thing to do. 

“I didn’t know you liked poetry, Bella.” murmured Angela, eyes bright with renewed interest. 

“I do enjoy it, how’d you know?” Hearing activist’s poetry on youtube had brought me to tears on more than one occasion and I could own to that. There was just something so raw about how they presented it. 

“Because that’s how you cheer at poetry recitals,” explained the dark-haired girl, snapping her fingers as I had, but with both hands. 

“Oh, yeah, I knew that,” I murmured thoughtfully. “I guess I’ve just seen so many people use it in a mainstream context my brain didn’t make the connection.” Mostly online. Probably Tiktok.

Jessica scrunched her eyebrows together. “I’ve never seen anyone do it at school; does it happen in Phoenix a lot at your old school?”

No. “Yeah.” _I hate myself_. 

Lying was so annoying. It made me so conscious of my face and body language and breathing that I ended up either turning red, not breathing, or looking stiff. 

Thankfully, Jessica was otherwise occupied. “Bella, Bella!” she whisper-yelled, urgency coloring her tone as she tugged on the sleeve of my cozy navy blue sweater.

“What?” I asked, looking at her face again only to find that she wasn’t even looking at me. 

“Edward Cullen is staring at you again,” she hissed through her toothy smile. Her eyebrows were raised as she gestured with her head to where he was sitting alone by the windows.

“Jessica, don’t smile like that, you look like a serial killer.”

Immediate frown. “I was trying to look natural.” Well, it wasn’t working.

“And what do you mean ‘again’?” 

I looked to my left to see what Angela thought of this. She was looking down at her food, smiling to herself and blushing a bit. I decided to ignore that reaction to my question. Jessica rolled her eyes. 

“Oh my god, Bella, how have you not _noticed_? He looks at you like all the time.”

“So you’re saying he’s watching me?” I scrunched my face in distaste as though I didn’t enjoy the attention just a little bit. 

She elbows me hard in the ribs. 

“Oof! JESS!” I scolded, holding that side. 

“Stop being cynical and go sit with him. Look, he’s motioning you over!”

“You don’t have to,” Mike said quickly, and I realized that he’d broken away from the conversation at the other end of the table to insert himself into ours.

I didn’t say anything to him at all as I stood and grabbed my tea and put it in my injured hand before I hauled my bag over my shoulder. “I guess I’ll go see what he wants?” I said uncertainly, looking in the direction of the bronze-haired vampire. Apparently I hesitated for too long.

“What are you doing?” Jessica demanded. “Nod or something! He’s going to think you don’t want to sit with him.”

I looked at her confused. “But I don’t want to.”

Her jaw popped open and she gaped. She was gobsmacked. “I just don’t understand you, Bella.”

I wasn’t sure what there was to understand. “Well, I guess it can’t hurt,” I sighed, tilting my head this way and that to release the tension building in my neck. It felt too warm. Ugh. I was too tired for mind games today. I hadn’t had a decent night’s sleep since...when had I last had a decent night’s sleep?

“You’d be _crazy_ not to,” assured Jessica, and this time when I looked at her, I saw a bit of resignation in her eyes. I didn’t know what to say. I made a mental note to talk to Jessica later about her reaction to Edward and his reaction to me. I wanted to know what had changed to make her less jealous than she was in the books. Was her kindness a direct reaction to me pulling her out of the way of Tyler’s van? Some kind of indebtedness? Or guilt? I wasn’t sure. I’d have to think about it more later. It seemed like the type of thing that either needed to be handled with delicacy or not at all. Determining which would be the key

After appearing to gather herself, she waved me off cheerfully. “I want to hear _everything_ later!” Jessica reminded me in as quiet a voice as she could muster. 

I was sure she did. I turned and headed in the direction of Edward Cullen. I weaved in between tables and students passing by. It wasn’t any sort of arduous effort; most of the kids in my way were staring at Edward anyway. Honestly, it was a wonder that they thought this was ‘under the radar’. If the student body reacted this much to seeing just _one_ of them chose an alternative seating arrangement at lunch, just how inconspicuous could they truly be? They might as well be royalty at this school for all the attention the students paid to them. Aloof, untouchable, and unattainable unless you married into it. I smiled a bit at that thought. 

Edward was sitting somewhat near the windows, but closer to the corner so that he was beside a wall and not the glass. His back was to the corner so he was facing out over the sea of the Highschool’s populace as they moved around to different tables, ate, and chatted.

“Hello,” he greeted in that annoyingly smooth voice of his. 

I’d never been one to notice a person’s voice before so I was a little miffed that _his_ of all people’s was drawing my attention.

“You summoned me, Mr. Cullen?” I arched an eyebrow for his benefit. 

“I was hoping you’d agree to sit with me since you weren’t eating either.”

I squinted slightly, giving him a suspicious look. “Why?”

“How is your shoulder doing?” he ignored my question.

I sat back in my chair so I could look at him again. “It’s fine,” I said slowly. That wasn’t entirely the truth. It had been aching more and more ever since sometime around midnight the previous evening. 

Giving me a knowing look, he reminded me, “Carlisle said to take Tylenol if it’s bothering you.”

“I’m not bothered.” And that was the truth. I’d lived with pain for years until it had consumed every part of me. A constant twinge in my shoulder was hardly anything to complain about in comparison. I could still walk, still run, still think, and perform the basic functions one needed to live independently of a caregiver’s constant attention. That was my definition of okay. So yes, I was unbothered. “Now back to my question. Why did you call me over?”

Edward appeared content to let the topic drop for now. Flashing his white teeth at me, he smiled, albeit briefly. “To uphold your end of the bargain of course.”

I sat down. It was convenient. There was a built-in time limit to this conversation and I would one-thousand percent be using that to my advantage. “Alright.” I settled into my place, leaning back against the chair in an attempt to find a more comfortable position.

“You agreed rather quickly,” observed Edward, tenting his hands on the table. 

Not wanting him to catch onto my reasoning, I immediately supplied, “I agreed to do this yesterday. Now’s as good a time as any.”

For a moment, his eyes lost focus on my face, peering over my shoulder. A fleeting smile graced his face. “Your friends are angry with me for stealing you.”

“What?” I was tempted to turn and squint at them. “Those hypocrites. They’re the ones that told me to come over in the first place.”

“Not Mike Newton,” the handsome boy pointed out. 

That explained it. Mike and I were not friends. He was annoying, and I was annoyed, and that was all. I wondered idly if that thought would make any sense to anyone else if I said it out loud. _God, it’s loud in here,_ I thought. 

“Oh?” I responded, innocence dripping from my tone. “Did he say something? I didn’t hear it. Must have been a fluff in my ear.”

That earned me a slight curve to his cheek. We both knew damn well that Edward could hear whatever conversation he pleased in this cafeteria, either via supernatural hearing or mind reading. 

“So,” I prompted, taking another drink from my tea. “What questions have been plaguing you so much that you interrupted lunch with your family to call me over? It must have been urgent.”

“It is. What’s your favorite color?”

I blinked at him. Was he serious?

“Are you going to answer?” one perfectly arched eyebrow arched for my benefit.

“That depends on what the question is,” I responded, rallying myself. If he wanted to waste his time on meaningless trivia, who was I to deny him? I wasn’t up for brain games today anyways. I prayed whatever nonsense this was lasted until the bell rang. “Favorite color to what? Wear, paint with, look at, seek out, decorate my room with…”

“All of the above?”

I let out a very put upon sigh as though color was not one of my most favorite things to talk about. “On an everyday basis, I seek out jewel tones, earthy colors, and dark neutrals to wear. To look at, I like green. Particularly in nature. None of this brown desert nonsense. Give me moss and ivy over that any day of the week. I seek out the colors burgundy and maroon. I like wearing them but I have to be in the right mood, otherwise, I feel like I draw too much attention and I get uncomfortable. And I like decorating my room in blues and greens and golds.”

He looked to find that very interesting. I couldn’t help but agree. Color was interesting and even I could draw conclusions about me based on my answers, though I wasn’t sure if he would make the connections. I found that people rarely did.

“You dislike ‘brown desert nonsense’ yet you lived there for your whole life?” he clarified. 

I shrugged. “It’s not as if I get to choose where we live. Renee had a job in Phoenix. Things like jobs, friends, and a social life tend to tie you down.”

“You could have lived with Charlie instead,” he pointed out. 

“Charlie and I haven’t always been good communicators. See, I used to be the type of person who disliked communicating because I found it to be awkward. Worse, I didn’t even _think_ about attempting it because it was so far outside of my comfort zone. In the end, it only served to create tension and distance between me and Charlie and I was too stupid to realize it.” I ranted, because Bella really had done a number on her father. Not to say that Charlie was perfect. He wasn’t the most communicative person I’d ever met, but at least he was _trying_ to maintain any sort of relationship with his daughter. Bella had more or less shut him out. And that rubbed me the wrong way because as much as I hated to admit it to myself, I was getting attached to the people in Bella’s life.

I realized that Edward was staring at me, not speaking. I let out a great gust of air, frustrated with myself. What had brought that on? I wasn’t normally this testy. But I was tired.

“Sorry. I rant when I’m annoyed.”

When he tilted his head, his bronze hair shifted with the movement. “Am I annoying you?”

“Not any more than usual; I’m annoyed with what I was ranting about.”

“But you admit you find me to be annoying?” his mouth was smiling slightly, but I could see the layers of emotion he was trying to hide. I sensed that he disliked that possibility, but more than that, I also saw a small amount of hurt. That was interesting. I didn’t want his self-esteem to fall any farther into the pits of hell than it already was, so I wanted to make myself clear.

Sighing, I shook my head. “I’m not being fair to you. In all honesty, the _you_ that is here now has never really done anything to warrant my annoyance. It has more to do with my perception of you.”

That brought the shutters down. “Me and my family?” he wanted to clarify. Please. As if I had the energy to care about that.

“You as an individual,” I asserted, trapping my fingernail against the dull blue tabletop and trying to shut out some of the white noise surrounding us. “There are certain things that you as an individual represent to me, and I’m having a difficult time separating the idea I have of who you are in my head from the person you are presenting yourself to be to me.”

He was silent for a moment, a frown marring his brow as he mulled that over. Reaching across the table, he picked up the lid for my bottle of tea and began worrying it slowly between his long, alabaster fingers. “Yet you admit that I’ve done nothing to lead you to believe I align with this ‘idea’ you have of ‘me as an individual’,” he eventually spoke again, eyes observing that cap. 

“That’s correct.”

I could see the cogs turning in his brain. I expected him to delve more deeply, but instead, he jumped to a new topic. “What’s your favorite movie?”

I was relieved. “I don’t like movies much,” I confessed and relaxed as I tried to think of something I did like that had already come out. “My parents and I really like watching Pride and Prejudice together,” I smiled, and I could feel my tone getting lighter with fond memories and the eagerness I always felt whenever we would sit and watch it. “Our favorite is the BBC TV-mini series 1995 version. The Keira Knightly version gets automotive points because, hello, Keira Knightly, but I don’t gravitate towards it because the colors are very muted and dark compared to the other versions. It’s harder for me to see. But the music score was top notch. We like the 1980 version as well, mostly because Mr. Collins looks like an actual frog in that one and his actor’s physical comedy was hysterical,” I grinned to myself, remembering my dad’s bark of laughter the first time he’d seen it. 

“You like Jane Austen?” he asked with interest. 

Nodding, I crossed one leg over the other beneath the table. “I do! I’m not into many of the classics, but as far as classics go, she writes some good ones. Pride and Prejudice is my favorite book of hers because it was the first of her works that I was exposed to as a kid. But I also enjoyed Sense and Sensibility and Emma, even though I found Emma Dashwood to be an extremely annoying character. She just couldn’t mind her own business and damned if there be consequences.”

“So if you’re not fond of classics, what do you read?”

I didn’t think I could say ‘fanfiction, mostly’, because I wasn’t sure if there were any fanfiction sights actually up yet. The internet was still in very rudimentary stages. “Tolkein’s works. I’m a fan.” I tried to say it as casually as possible and not like I had about fifteen unique pinterest boards devoted to different characters and movies, and like I hadn’t been in the process of writing a gargantuan fanfiction about the Hobbit before I’d somehow ended up here. I also wasn’t going to tell him that I also read a specific genre of romance novels.

“So you don’t like movies and you don’t read many books,” he surmised. 

Smiling at him, I leaned back in my chair and set my now empty tea bottle on the table. “You think I’m boring,” that was an interesting revelation, and for some reason, I was pleased. I was by no means a thrill-seeking person and I disliked being perceived as such. I liked my routines, I liked organization, and I liked to strategically set my life up for success as best I could. No need to let anyone think I’d enjoy going cliff jumping with them or anything drastic like that.

“I don’t think anyone could describe you as _boring,_ ” he replied, much to my disappointment. “I would rather label you as unorthodox.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment. I may not spend my days consuming western media, but I have my hands quite full at the moment with other diversions.”

“Such as?” he set the bottle cap back down on the table. 

I opened my mouth to say ‘journaling’ but quickly changed gears because at last minute I realized it would be like temping fate. “I’m a crafty person. I like creating things and honing skills I’ll never have the chance of making an actual career of.”

His lips curled into an amused smile. “What makes you think you can’t make a career out of it? There are plenty of artisans that make their income doing what they’re passionate about.”

“Well,” I took a deep breath and thought about it. “I’m passionate about too many things. I forever have a million hobbies and never have one thing I focusing all my time and effort into. It takes ten thousand hours of doing something to become a master at it. I have a few hundred hours in too many mediums. My life is just too short to devote to a single passion.”

The thing I believed I had the most mastery in was writing because I have been passionate about it since I was seven. But I was loath to give anything the particulars of my strengths and weaknesses. It was bad enough that my academic limits were all too clear to him. 

He hummed at that, seeming to be lost in thought. 

“So, am I finished for the day?” I aksed hopefully. I was getting awfully tired of talking about myself. It was getting embarrassing and I just knew I’d lose sleep over it. I cared too much about what other people thought. 

Looking up from the bland gray-blue table top, he smiled. “Sure. What would you rather talk about?”

“Anything but myself would be fantastic,” I pursed my lips together. “How about we talk about _you_ now.”

He shifted in his seat. “There’s not much to know.”

I barked out an incredulous laugh that drew the eyes of a group of students walking by. I paid them no mind. “Come now. I’m not asking to now you’re deepest darkest secrets. In fact, it would be better if you kept those to yourself. No, I’d rather know how the hell you get out of school so often.” I leaned forward, eye boring holes into him. “How is that allowed? How did you get that privilege? Teach me your ways, senpai.” 

I was surprised when he let out an actual, eye-crinkling laugh. His smile should have come with a warning sign with the same instructions that were given out before an eclipse: wear sunglasses and don’t ever look directly at it to prevent permanent vision damage.

“I’m being serious,” I grumbled, and I wondered if this was my equivalent of pouting. It felt more like being grouchy but maybe that’s just because I was tired. 

“I know you are; that’s why it’s funny.”

“So is it something Charlie could do? Is there at-home work you have to accomplish instead? How do you ask for that? Which faculty member is most likely to grant this request?”

“Alright, alright!” he held his hands up against my barrage of questions. “Yes, we have to do the equivalent of what we would do at school at home on our own, and we have to keep our grades up. We were allowed to do this because all of us have impeccable GPAs.”

I fell back against my plastic chair dramatically. “So you’re saying...it’s a lost cause?” I wobbled my lower lip as if I were truly in tears. I threw the back of my hand up to my forehead for good measure. Edward would out-drama just about anyone, but I stood with the best of them too. 

“You could ask,” he suggested, amused at my antics.

“I should,” I nodded. “I doubt every high schooler who has chosen to homeschool under the common core has kept up 4.0 GPAs.”

“Or 5.0s,” he added with a nod. 

I blinked at him. If I’d been holding something, I would have dropped it. “Excuse me, what?”

Edward seemed confused. “What?”

“Did you just say 5.0?” I asked, jaw tense and lips pursed.

“Yes?”

I stared off into space at that. _5.0?_ I thought over my internal screaming. _I thought the highest you could go is a 4.0!_

“Okay,” I said listlessly, standing up. “I’m going to go have an existential crisis now; it’s come early today. My whole life is a lie. See you later,” I gave him a lazy wave of a goodbye as I tottered off in the direction of outside. 

I heard his chuckles before I felt his hand close around my arm lightly, “Wait, wait,” he urged, still amused. “A 5.0 GPA is only possible with advanced courses and perfect grades.”

“Let me guess, you have all that?” I squinted.

“Isabella, you know I’m in your biology class, not an AP one,” he pointed out. 

That was true. “Well, I guess that makes sense. Can’t be a genius all the time,” I sighed. Then I looked down at his hand. He was holding my bag. “Oh, I forgot to grab that.”

“Which is why I brought it to you,” answered Edward, holding out the bag. 

I took it from him, our hands brushing. 

“Are you really going to go outside in this rain to have an existential crisis?”

I looked out the glass door to see what he was talking about. My eyes immediately brightened. “It’s pouring!” I enthused, running back to the table and grabbing my tea bottle. “I’ll be right back.”

Opening the door, the sound of the rain washing over me. I hadn’t heard it before because the eves prevented it from tapping against the window. Rushing out into the grass, I set my tea bottle out in the open where it could collect the rainwater. By the time I got back inside, I was well and truly damp. 

Edward was still there, regarding me curiously. “Why did you do that?”

“Why do you think? To collect rainwater, of course.”

He just shook his head at me in defeat because my answer was apparently unhelpful to him. Honestly, why else would I have done that? 

_I should really go moss-hunting,_ I thought, thinking of making a cute little terrarium. Bella’s room had a disturbing lack of plants in it. I’d had the black thumb of death before I came to this world but I had hopes that Bella would have better luck with it. I was pretty sure she’d taken a cactus from Phoenix when she came in canon. I hadn’t, but now I kind of wish I did.

“You’re going to be cold now,” he warned, voice tinged in disapproval. 

I shrugged. “I’ll just keep my coat on during class. It’s warm and dry.”

It occurred to me that I should have accomplished the task the other way around: first put on the coat, _then_ go outside. I had no doubt Edward was thinking the same thing. But my brain didn’t work that way. It made mistakes and then figured out how to fix them later. The first bell rang. 

“I suppose we should head to class, then,” he proposed. 

I nodded. “Sure. _God,_ I’m tired. I can’t wait for the school day to be over.”

Turning a concerned frown on me, he offered, “Would you rather postpone our tutoring session today?”

I thought about it. “Maybe just shorten it? Do you think we’ll be able to get anything done in about forty-five minutes?” 

“I’m sure we can figure it out.”

“Then let’s do that.”

“You must not get much sleep,” he observed, looking at my face. “You always seem tired.”

“Is this your way of telling me I have rings under my eyes? I’ll have you know I’m a very energetic person,” I informed him. It was a lie, but I didn’t want him to know that. I was carefully cultivating a persona for myself here. The closest I’d gotten to being more like _me_ were a few stolen moments with Jessica and Alice respectively. And that moment when I’d nearly broken down in front of Edward yesterday, but I was embarrassed about that so I tried not to think about it. 

“You are not,” he stated simply. 

“Well, believe whatever you’re going to,” I shrugged. 

We walked to the class in relative silence. We lacked the ease with which we conversed yesterday. I wasn’t sure what had changed, but it felt like there was a very distinct wall between us, invisible to the eye. 

It came as no surprise that we were the first two in the classroom. I hesitated. Were we allowed to be in there alone? I supposed whoever got there first would be alone in any event, so I just walked in behind him. I didn’t particularly want to stir trouble with Mr. Banner because I was ditching class tomorrow. 

“When do you go back to your gym class?” Edward wanted to know. 

“Mmm, Monday, probably. By then the inflammation will have gone down significantly.”

He nodded. “And you have art class directly following it.”

“I do, but I’d be willing to drop the elective in order to continue our sessions,” I admitted. “It’s not like I haven’t already learned what Mr. Rodriguez is teaching.”

“Alice will be sad.”

“No, she won’t. I’ll let her take me shopping and then I’ll be forgiven,” I smirked. “Maybe we can do art just the two of us some time, too.” That was a nice thought.

“You two seem to enjoy each other’s company,” he noticed, but he wasn’t looking at me anymore. Both of us were setting our bags on the desk and fishing out our textbooks.

“I’d like to think so, though I can only speak for myself.”

The first of the other students walked in, settling in across the room. It was a brown-haired boy. He was attempting to look like he wasn't listening, but occasionally his eyes flicked up to watch them. 

“You think correctly, then.”

I smiled. “You would know.”

It slipped out before I could check my words. He stiffened beside me, staring at me as though my thoughts would float out of the holes he was boring into my head with his gaze. But he didn’t say anything, all too aware of the boy across the room. I was suddenly very dizzy. My hands felt like icicles and the uncomfortable warm sensation in my neck was steadily edging toward burning. 

“I know my sister well,” he eventually acquiesced. 

“That’s good,” I replied, a bit unsteadily, trying to shove the panic that was licking up my spine back down into my subconscious where it belonged. I probably wasn’t getting enough oxygen. 

“Bella, are you okay?” he asked, sounding worried.

I cursed as my head lolled forward, the movement pulling on my spinal cord.

Edward wrapped one arm around my shoulders to steady me and used his other hand to prop my head up. “Bella, what’s wrong? Can you look at me?”

My temples throbbed and my head felt too heavy to hold up. It took me a long moment to recognize what this feeling was. Gray clouds were clouding in around my vision. My ears rang so loudly it was hard to hear whatever Edward was saying. I could feel his hands steadying me to help me balance. I knew what was coming, but my lungs felt empty and I was unable to speak. 

The stool I was sitting on clattered, tipping over as my body went slack and my vision darkened completely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact, I spelled 'serial killer' 'cereal killer' in the first draft XD Good thing I found that before I published it...
> 
> How do you think the characters will react to this? Poor Hallan...RIP, RIP.....
> 
> If you are enjoying the story, please consider subscribing, leaving kudos, and bookmarking! As always, your comments mean so so much to me and I love reading every single one. Thank you so much for reading! <3


	17. Hidden Depths

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAHA! I RETURN VICTORIOUS! I have completed a chapter in less than two weeks! And isn't that amazing? I feel proud of myself. Also, THANK YOU FOR 10,000 HITS!
> 
> So proud, in fact, that I rewarded myself by purchasing 20 sheets of paper for $32. 180lbs. hot press watercolor paper...So shmancy. We'll see if my plans for it pan out as well as I am hoping. If so, this story may or may not be getting a piece of art......

#  Chapter Sixteen: Hidden Depths 

“...And plie, two, three, and releve, two, three, and...” the ballet instructor called out, pacing in front of the mirrors and clapping in time with her counting. “Heads up and smile, girls!” she called. 

I straightened as best I could and did as I was instructed, rising and sinking in tandem with her verbal cues. The golden light that highlighted the gold in the dark hardwood floors in the dance studio was warm and familiar, but something niggled at me. I couldn’t remember how I’d gotten here. Sweat dripped down my back. The room was stiflingly hot. The mirrors that lined the walls reflected both the bright sunlight that streamed down from the windows high above and the heat that it brought. I tried not to think about the heat as I focused on the playful piano music playing in the background.

“...and finish,” the woman directed, smiling out over our heads as the music came to a close. 

We all stilled, holding First Position. The instructor clapped for us. “That was beautiful, girls, beautiful! Don’t forget to practice your routine at home this weekend. Class is dismissed.”

Smiling, I let out a relieved breath and followed the other girls in slicked-back buns and light pink leotards and white ballet tights as they scampered off to the corner and began talking with each other animatedly. I looked around for a friend, but I couldn’t find one. I fanned myself with my hand.

“Bella, I’m here!” 

My head turned without conscious thought to do so, and I smiled at Renee who stood in the archway that led out to the small lobby. I hadn’t remembered it being there before. What a weird dream. “Hi, mom!”

“Are you ready to go get some lunch?” she asked, picking up a miniature pink duffle bag. She seemed excited. “I’m starving! Here, hand me your shoes.”

I slipped off my soft ballet shoes and relinquished them to her. She placed them in the back and reached out for my hand. 

“Come on, let’s go get some grub! What do you feel like?”

“A chocolate milkshake!” I enthused, because oh my god that sounded so good right now. Something cold would be wonderful right now. It was too hot! Why wasn’t the AC on?

She laughed. “Oh? That’s unusual! You’re usually the one telling _me_ to eat dinner before dessert!”

Skating my head at her, I stated the obvious in a matter-of-fact voice. “Today is special.”

Her eyes crinkled with her radiant smile, and her laugh lines grew more pronounced under the shade of her straw cowboy hat. “You’re right. Today _is_ special. Today is…”

But I didn’t hear whatever she was going to say. Everything around me slowed to a crawl.

I reached out for her. “Mom?”

But my hands never reached her. Everything dropped. My stomach was left behind as the floorboard detached and dropped with me. Letting out a scream, I flailed my arms and legs, searching for perches. The bricks of the building separated and fell one by one, almost like the dance studio had turned to sand and was now letting gravity assert itself. 

“Mom!” I cried, craning my head to look for her. 

But no one was there. I was the only one here. They were all gone. My heartfelt like it was about to break out of my ribcage. Air whipped past me, making my long hair crack like tiny whips against my cheeks. I was falling, and there was nothing to catch me. That’s when my body hit something. It was the surface of a thick body of water. Pain radiated through me right before I went numb from the shock of the suddenness of it all. Or maybe it wasn’t numbness at all. Maybe I just didn’t have a body anymore. I sank. 

Down,

down, 

down.

Down to the deeper dark. There was no air, there was no pain, I had no body, I had nothing. Not even the stifling heat that had burned my body in the studio, nor the cold of Washington’s chilly winter rain. I wanted air so badly, though I no longer had lungs to breathe. The water had evaporated the building debris just as surely as it had disintegrated my body. With no mouth to open and no lungs to fill, I was left there to sink into the deeper depths. 

Submerged and quiet, I rested my mind. It was dark and peaceful. I was hidden where the sun could not reach me. Where nothing really could. It was oddly comforting for how horrifying it was. 

_Where am I?_ I wondered, though the thought was slow and sluggish. 

Somewhere deep. Somewhere dark. Somewhere where the water was thick with memories that had yet to be made. And all at once it occurred to me that I knew this place and knew it well. It was the in-between. I had stayed here for so long before I’d woken in Bella Swan’s body. 

If I’d had a heart to beat it would have pounded loudly. Did this mean I was going back? Emotion whirled around me, an odd mixture of fear and excitement and regret. Fear? Regret? But why? There was no way to shove those emotions aside. Guilt sat heavily beside them because I was ashamed. Because I should want it more. I’d been living a lie. Bella’s body wasn’t mine. I’d stolen it from her somehow. And I had to get back to my family. They were probably worried sick! So even _if_ I hypothetically wasn’t ready to go back to my body yet, it wouldn’t matter. 

_Of course, I want to go home, it’s home,_ I told myself sternly. Somehow it felt less like an acknowledgment of emotion and more like an instruction of motive.

“Bella, can you hear me?” an urgent voice pierced through the calm. 

That voice. I knew that voice. It grabbed me, caught me when I was unguarded, and somehow, someway, yanked me up and out of the peaceful gloom. Up, up, up to the surface.

“Come on, Bella,” he murmured urgently. “We’re almost there.”

Some part of me was aware that I knew that voice; could recognize the unmistakable cadence and smooth tones. But I didn’t want to listen to it. It was so peaceful here, in these strange waters. I didn’t have to make any decisions or strategize. I didn’t have to have all the answers. I could just rest here and think for a while. Or at least I could if that voice wasn’t dragging me away from these hidden depths whether I liked it or not. 

“How long has she been like this?” another voice, this time, it was unfamiliar. All I knew was the it was a woman’s and that it wasn’t as close as the voice I knew

“About two minutes. I brought her straight here after she lost consciousness,” the familiar voice murmured.

“Did she fall or hit her head?”

“No, I was able to catch her because she was sitting beside me.”

A sigh of relief. “That’s a good sign. Isabella? Sweetheart, can you hear me?” the woman asked gently. I could feel a hand pressing against my forehead and another jostling my shoulder lightly

_Too hot,_ I thought, curling into the comforting cold to my right. Someone was carrying me. They smelled good. Something light and sweet and soft. There was more underneath that scent, but I was too overwhelmed to seek it out. I was still here. I was still here, I was still here, I was still _here!_

“She doesn’t have a fever, thank goodness. Please set her down on the table, dear, I’ll take care of her from here.”

“Do you mind if I stay?” the lilting voice asked, in a honeyed voice.

The woman stuttered. “Well-well, if you like, I suppose that’s fine.”

Just as I was sinking back into something like sleep, I was set down on something cold, hard, and flat. I wanted to frown. Heavily. This was not conducive to sleep at all. The wrong kind of cold. Lifeless. Steril. Unyielding. 

I heard someone bustling around me until a pair of warm, slightly sweaty fingers pressed against the pulse point in my wrist. I wanted to shy away from the touch and roll over, but I just couldn’t get my body to receive the signals my brain was trying to send it yet. She pinched the tips of my fingers a few times and then the skin on my arm before she spoke.

“Her heart rate is a bit low and she’s dehydrated. If she doesn’t show signs of waking in the next few minutes, she may have to go to the hospital. Will you sit with her while I go call her father?”

“Of course.”

_The hospital? Oh hell, no,_ I thought, doubling my effort to move. I tried hard to open my eyes only to feel them flutter for all my effort. 

“Bella? Can you hear me?” he asked again, suddenly close once more.

_Edward,_ my mind supplied his name now that it’d had a minute to catch up. And I had smelled him. Fantastic.

Embarrassment flooded me so quickly I thought I might drown in it. Part of me just wanted to succumb to sleep once more just to escape it, but because I had been threatened with a trip to the hospital, I didn’t have that luxury, no matter how much I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. 

But it wasn’t just the fact that I’d basically been inhaling him when he’d been carrying me. That was, though humiliating, the least of my worries.

_He saw,_ I thought, feeling the blood leave my face. _He saw me faint. Oh god._

What better timing could I have? Obviously, the best time to be at your most vulnerable is in front of someone who only knows strength. My throat constricted. 

_Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry..._ I chanted internally. 

Once I was one-hundred percent sure I had it under control, I tried to open my eyes again. I supposed shame with a sprinkle of panic was just the right recipe to force yourself to full consciousness because my eyes cracked open. 

There was too much light in the room; bright, white-blue fluorescent lights burned my eyes. I startled when something dark moved toward my face, both hands jumping and shaking violently like they did whenever I was unable to stop my reaction. I was an easily startled person. Even if I knew whatever you were about to do, I would still be startled. Some sort of strange anomaly in my brain that didn’t allow it to process information quickly. Sometimes this was frightening, like when my dad had to tilt my wheelchair back onto the larger wheels to pull me up the stairs to get into our ADA-unfriendly house, or when someone thought it would be funny to yell ‘BOO!’ at me without warning. There was nothing like being twenty years old and still jumping when someone yelled ‘boo’. 

But this wasn’t frightening. They were sunglasses. They slid through my hair and back behind my ears easily. I swallowed. 

“Thank you,” I said, hoarsely. It had been such a thoughtful thing to do. 

“Did I frighten you?” he asked.

I remembered him asking Bella a similar question in the book, sounding amused; but he didn’t sound amused now. He sounded repentant. 

“I’m easily startled,” confessed, a bit unwillingly. I didn’t want him to feel like he had to walk around on eggshells with me but I also didn’t want him to feel guilty. 

He was kneeling beside the bed, so close to me, but I couldn’t look him in the eye yet. “What happened?”

It was such a straightforward question that I was a bit thrown. I knew he wasn’t referring to why I startled easily. He was asking about why I fainted.

I shrugged, smiling slightly to cover how uncomfortable I was. “I may or may not be sleep-deprived.”

When my eyes finally found his face, I saw that he wasn’t smiling in return. If anything he only looked more concerned. “Does this happen to you a lot?” he asked, dark brows furrowing. 

Panic lanced through me. “No,” I blurted out before I could think it through. 

Edward knew immediately that I was lying. Could hear it in the change in my heartbeat. How it thumbed erratically against my ribs like a bird beating its wings against a cage it could never leave.

“Bella,” he murmured, reproachfully. 

I clenched my jaw and felt illogical anger rising inside of me. He’d been nothing but thoughtful. That was true. But it wasn’t his place. He wasn’t my caregiver or one of my doctors. I didn’t need him to be. I didn’t need anyone to be that for me here. It was different here. _I_ was different here. 

“It’s no one’s business but mine,” I snapped, more forcefully than I’d meant to. Fear and regret immediately filled me. Would he be mad? Would he leave? Did he think I wanted him to leave? God, I was _never_ this stupid around anyone else! I was usually smart enough not to get angry at people. Or not to show them. He would leave. He would stop talking to me. He wouldn’t tutor me anymore. God, I was so—

“You’re right,” he murmured. “I’m sorry.”

Our eyes locked. I couldn’t speak for a moment. I was too off-kilter. This was not the sort of response I was used to. He didn’t back away, didn’t distance himself from me to punish me for not being vulnerable to him. He just knelt there beside me, a steady presence to let me know I wasn’t on my own.

“It’s—I mean, I’m—” I wanted to explain. I wasn’t angry with him but _god,_ I just felt so raw and open and it was terrifying and he had seen it. He had seen it and it had my bones shaking in fear because I hated being vulnerable. I hated when people saw me. 

Hesitantly, he covered my right hand with his. “I don’t...want you to answer me because you feel like you should.” It sounded like it was a revelation to him. His eyes were fixed on our hands as his thumb gently brushed back and forth. 

“What do you want from me, then?” I whispered, because any louder, and I was afraid my voice would crack. I was so useless.

His bright, topaz eyes fixed onto mine and he held my hand just a little tighter. “I don’t know,” he responded, sounding just as off-kilter as I felt. _“More,_ I guess. I don't know. You make me worry. I’ve never been this worried before.”

“It’s really nothing,” I attempted to assure him, but he fixed me with a disapproving look. 

“You don’t have to say anything right now, but don’t lie to me,” he insisted, his intense gaze pinning me in place.

I bit the inside of my cheek and let my head fall back against the pillow. I didn’t say anything, and neither did he; because we both knew I wouldn’t, _couldn’t_ say anything within those parameters. So we just sat there, together. 

“Oh, thank goodness, she’s awake!” 

We both turned when the woman spoke, but I knew Edward had been more aware of her presence than I had been. 

“She woke up about three minutes ago, ma’am,” he told her, not moving from my side. 

Had it really been such a short amount of time? For me, it had felt like so much longer. 

“How are you feeling?” the nurse asked me. 

Rallying all the energy I had left, I smiled at her with a nonchalance I definitely didn’t feel. “Exhausted,” I drew the word out. “I guess I shouldn’t have stayed up all night last night.”

The woman tsked in disapproval. “And what were you doing?”

Giving her my best innocent look, I told her, “Studying, of course.”

I had been, but I knew the nurse wouldn’t think so. She rolled her eyes and tsked at me. “You need at least eight hours of sleep a night,” she scolded. “You’re severely dehydrated and I wouldn’t be surprised if your blood sugar was low either, so once your dad comes and picks you up you need to get something to eat.”

Eight hours. Ha! Fat chance. What a nice thought. I nodded anyways. “Kay.”

“See that you do, young lady.”

And with that, the nurse walked back out, calling over her shoulder, “Your father should be here any minute. I’ll let your teachers know why you’re absent.”

“Thanks.”

When she was out of sight, I deflated like a balloon. Edward arched one eyebrow at me.

“What?” I asked. I’d meant it to sound defensive but it just sounded tired. 

“Showmanship,” he replied, referring to what he’d said after our first tutoring session. 

The small laugh I meant to let out came out more like a slightly amused groan. “You think you’re funny?” I asked him. 

“I think _you_ think you’re funny.”

“You’re not wrong.”

That earned me a smiled, but he turned his head slightly away so I couldn’t really see it. 

“Oi, that’s cheating,” I complained. “It’s not fun if I don’t get to see your reaction.”

He only gave me a look that said he knew what I was doing. I wouldn’t be able to hide my weak spots from him much longer. It was simply too natural to be vulnerable with him. And wasn’t that awful? He was my natural predator, I was his singer, and yet everything inside me told me that the _Cullens_ of all people were the only one truly safe. Perhaps because they were the only ones I could divulge my secret to. Edward was complicating my life in a way I hadn't anticipated. This couldn't go on. I didn’t have time to respond before Charlie burst into the room. 

“Bells, are you okay?” He looked frazzled. 

I immediately felt guilty. Staring into his frantic eyes, I found I couldn’t lie. “Not really,” I admitted quietly. “I’m really tired; can you take me back to the house?”

What I really wanted was to go home, but that wasn’t an option. Bella’s room where I could be alone and quiet would just have to do. 

“The nurse said to make sure she gets hydrated and eats something,” volunteered Edward.

If looks could kill I definitely would have murdered him. “I’ll do that later. I just need a few hours of sleep first.”

Charlie wasn’t going to drop it. “Have you been eating enough, Bella?”

I tried to think. “I ate with you this morning, didn’t I?”

The blue uniform bunched when he crossed his arms over his chest. “No,” he responded, sounding equally trite and irritated. 

“Probably dinner last night then.”

My answer did not satisfy him if the way he scrubbed his hand over his scraggly face was any indication. “We’ll swing by the diner and get you something to go, how ‘bout that?”

I was too tired to argue. 

“Are you okay to walk?” asked Edward quietly, but not quietly enough that Charlie didn’t hear. 

My eyes flicked to Bella’s father and I bit the inside of my cheek. Truth be told, I wasn’t sure what to expect when I sat up. How bad would the vertigo and nausea be? There was no telling. 

“I guess we’ll see,” I said, resolutely, steeling myself. 

I swung my legs over the side of the table and was about to sit up, but Edward was there and he caught my right hand and wrapped an arm around my left shoulder to steady me. He wasn’t breathing. I didn’t think I was either.

I was deeply thankful for his assistance once I was upright. My vision greyed at the sides slightly and my breathing because more shallow. Closing my eyes for a minute, I focused and drawing in deep, even breaths in an attempt to stave off the dizziness and calm the ringing in my ears. When I opened them again, I was staring directly into deep topaz. 

I felt like a bug trapped in a spider’s web. Not because I instinctively recognized him as a threat, but rather because his beauty was like a bear trap. Get too close and you’ll get caught up in it. And just like that, I was having trouble breathing again. His eyes were unwaveringly glued to mine, and I didn’t know why I liked it so much. I should _not_ like it so much. It wasn’t even _my_ eyes he was looking into. Though, I supposed that made more sense. My face was ‘interesting’ but it wasn’t that nice to look at. I was fine with that; made my peace with that. But more than that, I was grateful that I was in Bella’s body so that I could enjoy this for just this one, fleeting moment when he looked at her. I didn’t think anyone would ever look at me like this when I got back to my world. But this wasn’t my body, and this wasn’t my world. So I needed to treat this like what it was. 

A stolen moment. 

Charlie cleared his throat. “I’ll take her from here,” he said pointedly, edging in close to me to replace Edward as my support. 

Edward’s eyes left mine to glance at Charlie, and I took that moment to snap my gaze off him and to the floor as I stood under the guise of watching where my feet were going. 

“Thank you for all of your help,” I murmured to him without meeting his probing gaze. 

“It was my pleasure, Bella,” returned Edward, still not moving from the place he’d been, sitting beside me on that table. 

Charlie led me out the door then, and I let him. It wasn’t until I was tucked away safely in the cruiser and he was sitting in the driver’s seat that he spoke. 

“I thought you said he was only interested in tutoring you,” he said, trying to appear casual as he turned the key in the ignition and backed out of the parking space. 

“That’s right.”

Edward wasn’t interested in _me_ , he was interested in Bella. She was an intriguing unknown to him. Something inevitable. Something like fate.

Charlie looked at me like I was crazy, but didn’t push the subject. I was grateful. I was asleep before he’d even reached the diner. 

  
  
  


☽ ◯ ☾

  
  
  


If I had to guess, I’d say I’d been asleep for a few hours. It was still daylight outside by the time I peeled my eyes open. The gentle blue-green light of Forks streamed through the window and illuminated the room in a sorrowful sort of way. Basking in the mood lighting, I stretched and wondered what had woken me. I'd woken up a few times throughout the afternoon, mostly just to continue insisting that I did not, in fact, need to go to the hospital. I thought perhaps I'd been woken this time by a sound or something. I didn’t have to wait long to have my suspicions confirmed.

“She won’t go to the hospital,” Charlie explained, sounding agitated. He was in the kitchen on the landline. “Renee and I are really worried. Uh-huh, yeah.” His voice brightened. “Really? Yeah, that would be great!”

I understood he was talking about me, but who was he talking to?

“Okay,” he agreed. “See you in ten. Thanks for swinging by. Uh-huh, okay. Bye.”

The sound of the phone clicking back into its place on the wall had the rest of my grogginess fading. I pried my eyes open. Charlie was just entering the room.

“What’s going on?” I asked, voice heavy with sleep. 

“Sue and Harry Clearwater are coming by. Sue treats a lot of injuries on the rez,” he explained. 

I huffed out an exasperated breath but smiled at him. “Really, I’m _fine,_ ” I stressed. “I barely got any sleep last night and it caught up with me is all.”

“Yeah, well, I’d feel better if you’d at least let her check you out.”

“If that will make you happy,” I relented. 

He nodded firmly. “Good. You just stay put until they get here. I’m not crazy about the idea of you going to school tomorrow either.”

“You’re right,” I agreed quickly, thinking of that horrid dissection experiment Mr. Banner was going to inflict on us. “An extra day to rest would be a great idea.”

“Good thing Harry got a cell phone,” muttered Charlie. 

I blinked at him. “What do you mean?”

“Sue worries about Harry being out and about without a way to reach his doctors or a hospital when he’s away from home because of his medical problems so she took him to get a cellphone today. I’m lucky he decided to test it out or we’d have gone to the rez when they were already in town.”

“I don’t really feel up to going anywhere,” I warned him. 

Rolling his eyes he put his hands on his hips. “Yeah, I know. No hospitals.”

So long as we were clear. Charlie was good at catching onto things that went unsaid. Both an advantage and disadvantage at times.

“And Bella, you’re mother says you haven’t responded to her emails. You’d better do that tonight or tomorrow.”

Oh shit, I’d forgotten about Renee. Maybe that was why I had such a weird dream about her earlier; my subconscious telling me I needed to contact her. If I wasn’t careful or she was going to fly out. 

“What time is it?” I wanted to know. 

Charlie popped his head into the kitchen to get a look at the clock. “Four-twenty,” he answered. “You’ve been sleeping for a while, Bells. I got food from the diner, but it’s cold now.”

“Thanks. I’m sure I can reheat it after Sue takes a look at me. Food actually sounds really good right now.”

“About time.”

I ignored that in favor of dozing. It was still tired and the blue-green light coming in from the living room window was very peaceful. I always slept best in the day. Or rather, I’d always been better awake at night. But here, in this world, I’d been enjoying seeing daylight again. I assumed that was because I wasn’t as prone to sensory overload or light sensitivity. 

Charlie made his way over to his recliner and sat down, but didn’t lean back. His body language, the way he was leaning forward, elbows on his knees and his hands folded in front of him, told me he had something to say. 

“What?” I asked after he seemed to be unable to begin. There was no way I could sleep when he was being anxious over in his chair. It permeated the room with an acrid tang.

“Bella, I think it’s time we take you to see a doctor.”

That had me sitting up swiftly. “No, I’m fi—”

“You’re not fine,” he cut me off, face looking drawn and concerned. “People who are ‘fine’ don’t pass out or go days without eating or sleeping. This can’t continue, Bells. I've tried to be understanding, but...”

“I’ll do better,” I insisted, scrabbling at some sort of option. “I’ll make more effort. Really, I’m just adjusting to a new place and it’s taking a lot out of me.”

Charlie shook his head slowly. “No, Bella, I have to put my foot down about this. Renee and I are both agreed on this. You’re a minor, and it’s still our job to make these decisions for you.”

Panic laced through me. “I won’t go to the hospital. I won’t.”

He held up his hands as if to placate me. “Which is why I called Dr. Cullen. He’s a friend of him and he’s agreed that you need to be checked over and soon. Leaving it any longer and we could run the risk of escalating the problem.” 

“There’s no problem!”

“I guess we’ll see.”

I curled up in a ball. I didn’t want to do this. I _especially_ didn’t want to be vulnerable in front of the Cullens. I knew they were kind people. I didn’t doubt that. But I had to maintain a certain strength in front of them. Needed to remain untouchable. Autonomous. An entity outside of their knowledge. To give them more anything more than necessary could put me at the disadvantage, and here, in this world, I was already fighting against fate. It was bad enough that Edward had seen everything he had, but the others? There was no telling _what_ they’d do. I wasn’t Isabella. They would react to me differently. Possibly antagonistically.

If Carlisle found evidence that I wasn’t as cognitively functional as I presented myself to be, he could doubt my story when I finally told him, and if he doubted my story, he wouldn’t take me seriously and I may never get home. May never get back to the only place I had any possibility of actually belonging. Jasper may be able to tell him that I’m being sincere, but Dr. Cullen could easily write that off as a delusion I’d convinced myself of. After all, what solid proof did I have? 

A knock sounded at the door. I let myself uncurl so I was sitting in a more confident, less vulnerable way as Charlie went to open the door. 

“Come on in!” he greeted them cheerfully. 

Twisting around, I got my look at them while they chatted with Charlie. Harry was on the older side of middle-aged by the looks of it. A bit heavier set and distinct bags under his eyes. The wrinkles around his face made him look friendly like he smiled a lot. Sue was a well-built woman with a severe chop haircut. Her high cheekbones and sharp brown eyes made her face look bright and knowledgeable. They seemed to be quite friendly. 

“So, this is Bella,” said Harry, grinning and putting his hands on his hips.

I only managed a small smile in return. Sue watched me carefully. Her bright eyes lingered on me as Charlie spoke. 

“Yup. She’s grown a bit since you last saw her.”

Harry laughed and made a comment about how tall Bella had been the last time she’d been there. Years ago by the sound of it. 

“Alright, now let me do my work. I’m going to take Bella upstairs. You two stay out of trouble,” the woman warned, but was unable to keep a smile off her face. 

“Come on, Charlie,” Harry slung a plaid-covered arm over his shoulder and whispered loudly as he and Charlie headed for the kitchen. “You can show me your stash of beer.”

Sue didn’t bother to respond, only fixed her eyes back on me. “Hello,” she greeted. 

It was strange, the sensation I got when she stared at me; it felt like she was seeing more than I wanted her to. I swallowed. “Hello, Mrs. Clearwater.”

“Why don’t you come with me upstairs,” she suggested. “And we can talk there.”

I stood on trembling legs. I was still feeling raw and anxious from my conversation with Charlie. She didn’t try to touch me, for which I was grateful. Being unfamiliar to touch combined with being in an utterly unfamiliar world was already nervewracking enough. Add perfect strangers into the mix and it was an anxiety cocktail. 

Instead, she simply guided me up the stairs with her presence alone. Once we made it into Bella’s room, she gently shut the door behind her. 

“It will be easier to talk without those men sticking their noses in. They mean well but they’re trouble when combined. Comes with the territory of being childhood friends, I suppose,” she smiled ruefully, moving to turn the chair I used at Bella’s desk so it was facing the bed. She gestured for me to sit. “Why don’t you take a seat?”

Following her direction, I hesitantly sat down on the bed. I wasn’t sure what it was about this woman that made me feel so exposed; like she could look at me and guess everything I never wanted anyone to know. Whatever it was, I wasn’t comfortable with it.

“So,” she began, folding her hands in her lap. “You fainted at school today.”

“It really wasn’t a big deal,” I made known. “I’m just having a hard time adjusting to Forks and I haven’t been eating or sleeping well.”

“No, I imagine not,” agreed Sue, nodding slowly. “Forks is very different than Phoenix.”

I just nodded. “Yeah. So, if you could just tell Charlie I’m fine, I’d appreciate it. He and Renee are worrying over nothing, really.”

For a moment, she didn’t say anything, just stared at me. “You seem on edge.”

What was she, my therapist? “I don’t like doctors.” That was the simplest answer, but not an entirely truthful one. I didn’t dislike doctors. I disliked the notion that I needed them in order to live a fulfilled life. That had been true in my world but in _this_ world? In _this_ body? That was simply not the case.

“I’m not terribly fond of them myself.”

Shifting, I folded one leg up against my body, as though I could hide part of myself behind it. 

“And you think Charlie and Renee are making a big deal out of...what exactly?” her voice was irritatingly calm. She reminded me of my second therapist. We hadn’t been a good fit. 

“I’m a clumsy person. I fall and bump into things a lot, trip all the time, that sort of thing. A while back I had a nasty fall and bumped my head and for some reason, they’re more worried than they normally would be. It’s not like this sort of thing hasn’t happened before.”

“You don’t think they should worry if you’re injured?”

Yeah, that would make my life a hell of a lot simpler. “There’s no need. I’m honestly fine. I just need sleep and food and a long weekend.”

Her face was still smiling, but I saw sympathy there too. I didn’t know why. I didn’t _want_ to know why. I was fine. This body was better. I wasn’t pitiable anymore. I was strong, able, and I could walk and run and I didn’t have a feeding tube and I still had all my organs and everything. 

“Do you know if you hit your head today when you fainted?”

“I didn’t. A classmate caught me in time and took me to the nurse.”

She nodded thoughtfully. “If you have any headaches, light-headedness, or nausea, you should ask your father to bring you down to see me. I’ll give you some of my tinctures.”

“That’s very kind of you, thank you,” I told her, sincerely thanking her at the same time as knowing that I would not be taking her up on her offer. 

“You know there's only so much I can do if you're not willing to talk,” she sighed. 

I was counting on that. 

Instead of waiting for a response that wouldn't come, she simply stood. “Rest over the weekend, alright? I think I understand the situation. I’ll tell Charlie to let up a bit.”

“That would be great,” I responded slowly. I wasn't sure what she thought she understood but I wasn't about to ask. It seemed strange to me that she would help me get Charlie off my back about this, but I wouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth.

She walked to the doorway and paused there to look back at me. “You know, if you aren’t honest, no one can help you. If you ever need help, you know where to find me.”

If only it were that easy. Looking into her eyes felt like looking into the hidden depths. Like there was more there than I could hope to understand. As though I could only exist in tandem with it and not truly understand it. Instead of speaking, I swallowed around the anxiety building in me.

Sue seemed to understand I would answer. “In time, you may even find what you seek, if you are willing to pay the price.”

After casting one last lingering look at me and she was gone. I just sat there and stared after her. Having been left with ominous words still hanging in the air in Bella's room...I didn't think I could sleep anymore. And wasn't that just the icing on the cake?

I let myself fall back on the bed and stare at the no familiar ceiling of Bella's room. _What should I do?_

No one answered because I was on my own. I knew that. If only I could stop wishing for things that I could never allow to happen. The feeling of his arm supporting me and his steady hand steady in mine was like a phantom touch; something long gone but not forgotten. I stared at my hand and shook my head vehemently. I was going crazy.

I was _not_ Bella Swan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that was a trip. Trippy, trippy chapter. What an apt chapter title...
> 
> In any case, I really hope you are enjoying this story! I'd love it if you'd leave me kudos and left me a comment. If you want to know when I publish the next chapter, please feel free (and encouraged) to subscribe and bookmark to help me boost my stats!
> 
> Thank you all for reading! I know I tend to be a bit long-winded, so I'm so happy that I still have so many readers engaging and enjoying my work! Stay healthy and safe <3


	18. Manipulation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have returned! Not as victorious as last time, but still here so it's something. I'm so sorry for all the comments I didn't reply to in the past five days. Unfortunately, I've been in a really low place mentally and it's made it difficult to talk to people. So instead I poured out a lot of my emotions into this chapter. I hope that you all enjoy reading it <3 
> 
> Also, does anyone have some good twilight fics they would recommend? The longer the better. Escapism is my friend. We're VERY well acquainted.

#  Chapter Seventeen: Manipulation

The computer took an unprecedented amount of time to boot up. Good thing I wasn’t on a schedule. It reminded me of the barely functioning PC my dad had given me when I was six so I could type my ‘books’ on Word Document. My mouth twitched up into a slight smile as I remembered what I’d named it. I’d dubbed ‘the Dinosaur’. At least this machine could connect to the internet, albeit via a wire. No matter. It was a marked improvement to me.

Charlie had gone to bed an hour ago, and I’d found I was unable to sit in silence, agonizing over what Sue could have possibly meant for any longer. So I’d turned to a task I’d rather get out of the way as fast as possible. Renee. 

Renee was...interesting. Her personality was bubbly and excitable and she was easily distracted. I could resonate with her inability to stick with one interest for long periods of time, but I could not, however, understand her complete lack of maturity. I could only imagine how it must have impacted Bella growing up. Such a polar opposite to my own mother…

Not to say my mom was perfect; she’d done her best operating within the confines of the values her religion expected. So what if I may or may not have come out of childhood with more than a little trauma? We didn’t see eye to eye on many things, but I’d never stopped loving her even after I’d lost a lot of the unconditional trust I’d once had in her. When you were a kid, you could believe your parents would love you no matter what. I had learned the hard way that wasn’t really the case.

I heard the opening logo as the computer dawned awake. My eyes flicked to it, and I typed in the password to access my account. Clicking on ye-olden internet explorer, I clicked on the shortcut for my email. Charlie had been correct. Renee  _ had  _ been trying to contact me. Six times, give or take however many phone calls I hadn’t picked up. As far as I was concerned, that landline was Charlie’s phone and I didn’t pick up other people’s phones. There was no better way to jumpstart anxiety than to attempt to converse to a stranger who expected you to remember them over the phone. With no way to gauge their reaction to whatever response you’d rallied from within, it was a surefire way to send me into a state of panic. 

Setting aside those thoughts, I began reading. The first one was to check to make sure I arrived in Forks safely. I had called her on the phone instead of responding over email. It seemed like a long time ago to me, but in reality, it hadn’t even been two weeks, nothing in comparison to the time I’d spent with her before coming to Forks.

The next five emails were all panicky, concerned messages demanding I find a doctor to establish care with and wanting to know all about what happened with the car accident, the hospital afterward, and how I was feeling the days following. Of course, I hadn’t turned on the computer to read those emails so they had been left unread in my inbox. To be honest, technology that I didn’t understand was stressful and it was best to just ignore it. This outdated version of a computer was manageable, but still migraine-inducing. Things just weren’t the same and I felt like I could never find anything. As someone who memorized icons by color, it was basically hell for my poor neuro-atypical brain. Sighing, I opened the newest email and began to read it. It was from today. 

‘ _ Bella, _

_ You haven’t responded to any of my emails, are you okay? I heard you fainted at school today. Phil convinced me not to buy air tickets out there just yet. Have you seen a doctor? What did they say? Charlie said he’d handle it, but we both know he doesn’t like confrontation.  _

_ Honey, please tell me what’s going on with you. You’ve always been reserved but you’re being so vague about this! I don’t understand why. I know something’s wrong so just tell me. What is it? Did something happen to you that night when you hit your head? Did someone hurt you? Why haven’t you said anything? Phil and I are here for you Bella, I hope you know that. I don’t want to lose you! _

_ Call me soon or I really will fly out there.  _

_ Love, mom’ _

Guilt sat like a heavy stone in the pit of my stomach, threatening to drag me down through the floors and deep into the earth where I could just die the miserable, lonely death this email convinced me I deserved. I think the worst part was that this worry, this attentiveness...it was so very un-Renee-like in every way. She was acting completely out of character, and if that wasn’t a sign that I was messing everything up, I wasn’t sure what was. 

My plan to keep canon events reasonably on track was not going well. This was Bella’s life, after all. It wasn’t my intention to ruin it for her. Closing my eyes, I propped my head up on the desk with my hands. What should I do? What could I say? By now, Renee would be asleep, so I wouldn’t call her. In any case, if I emailed her, I had the advantage of her being a voiceless person on the other side of the screen; someone you could easily project your perception of Bella Swan onto. 

Taking a deep fortifying breath, I steadied myself for the process of writing and rewriting the email I would have to send. 

It was midnight before I settled on the fifth and final draft. 

‘ _ Sorry, I haven’t responded to any of your emails; I haven’t been online. Phil’s right, you should stay there. I came here so you guys could travel and so I could spend time with Charlie. It’s a good thing! So you go out there and have as much fun as you can and soak up some sun for me.’  _

Bella had liked the sun in the books. I hoped that by alluding to the idea that  _ I  _ wanted to soak up the sun, Renee would stress less about the sudden personality change in her daughter. I needed to reinforce Bella’s notable personality traits to re-establish some semblance of normality for Renee. 

_ ‘This week has been crazy. I’ve always been klutzy, but these past few days have really taken the cake. Forks is weird that way. It wasn’t what I expected it to be. I never had this many friends in Phoenix; it’s probably “new-girl-syndrome” or something. Or maybe it’s just because everyone is more noticeable in a school with such a small number of students. I guess anything new in Forks that isn’t rain or clouds could be considered a novelty, even if it’s just me.’ _

I stared at the paragraph and nodded. It would play into Renee’s perception of the town as well, which would work in my favor. When in doubt, imitate. It was a guiding principle I’d lived by. Manipulation didn’t sit very well with me on principle, but I couldn’t deny a small part of me that possessed a sense of pride that I was  _ able  _ to do this. Perhaps because I had always put too much stock into what other people thought of me, so the thought of controlling how they perceived me was akin to finding power in something I believed to be a weakness. 

_ ‘Did you know Charlie bought me a truck? It’s great. Big and red and clunky. If I were ever in an accident, I have no doubt that it would emerge no worse for wear. I think he’s really happy I’m here. Neither of us has much to say, so we don’t mind each other’s silences.’ _

That was a lie but I remembered it was one of the defining traits of Charlie and Bella’s relationship. Anything outside of the norm would arouse Renee’s heightened suspicions. The last thing I wanted was to come home from school one day only to find Renee here. Seeing as though Charlie was still hung up on her, it probably wouldn’t be healthy for him either. 

_ ‘Yes, I fainted at school today. To be honest, it was because Mr. Banner, my biology teacher, was doing a dissection lab today. I didn’t last very long.’ _

Try no time at all, since the class technically hadn’t even started yet. 

_ ‘I’m fine, really. I purposely skipped lunch because I didn’t want to lose it when we did the lab. It’s not the first time I’ve fainted in a lab. Remember when they blood-typed us last year? Thankfully, my lab partner was able to catch me so I didn’t get hurt. I was taken to the nurse’s office right away and she told me I needed to go home, eat something, drink lots of water, and get some sleep. _

_ Charlie knows a doctor who works at the hospital here in Forks. He’s made an appointment for me; Monday, if I’m not mistaken. I’ll let you know how it goes. They’ll probably tell me the same thing the school nurse did, so I plan to bring a book to read while we wait. I feel much better after getting sleep and eating dinner, so don’t worry too much, okay? I promise nothing like what’s probably running through your head happened ‘that night’ as you put it. I just fell. It happens all the time, so no need to be so worried this time around, right? It’s happened before and I’d bet anything it’ll happen again. _

_ Tell Phil I said hi and to keep you from impulsive purchases, namely that of tickets to Washington. We’ll see each other soon, I’m sure.  _

_ I’ll talk to you again soon, Bella’ _

The words stared up at me off the white computer screen. The mouse hovered over the send button, but I quickly moved it away to stare at it a while longer. I wasn’t sure what I accomplished by doing so. What was I looking for? Incongruencies? Potential contradictions? Anything out of character? I wasn’t sure. But it gave me peace of mind to know that I had read over it many times before I finally sent it. 

The email may have sped away, but the guilt remained. All the lies, omission, and manipulation wasn’t sitting well with me. I felt like I Was gaslighting Renee. As someone who had been on the receiving end of that maneuver, it made me feel ill to do it to someone else. But I had to weigh it against the bigger picture. Against the true Bella Swan’s future. I may not be her biggest fan, but I could admit that I was a bit jealous of her. 

Jealousy. What a horrible feeling to have.

And so, with the conclusion that I was, in fact, the human carnation of garbage, I fell asleep on my bed, tired and wrung out in more ways than one. 

Later, I would wonder how long I actually slept. I hadn’t looked at the clock before I’d fallen into the arms of slumber, but the gray-blue light that was pouring into my window told me it was morning. I stared at it, blinking and trying to figure out how I’d forgotten to close the curtain last night. Then I remembered how out of sort I’d felt after sending the email.

My senses slowly came into full awareness, penetrating through the haze of drowsiness and guilt. The textured feeling of the low thread count duvet cover under my fingers, the chill on my skin from forgetting to crawl beneath it, and the murmuring of conversation somewhere just outside my range of hearing. I was vaguely aware of my stinging eyes as I yawned and stretched, before rolling over to my stomach and doing it again. I hadn’t gotten enough sleep. 

_ The day’s still young,  _ I thought.  _ Give it time. _

I wasn’t sure who was downstairs with Charlie, but I couldn’t quite bring myself to care. Laziness drifted over me like a fluffy, self-indulgent cloud as I glared at the curtains half-heartedly, willing them to close for themselves. But alas, they did not. Sighing in resignation, I sluggishly let my feet fall off the bed and hit the floor heavily. They made little thumping noises against the cool hardwood floor that I paid little mind to. Once I’d heaved myself into a relatively upright position, I sat there for a minute to wait for the haze of gray to fade from my vision. The window wasn’t that far away. It’s just that anything outside of my immediate reach felt too far. I glared at the space between me and it. I just wanted to sleep, and the offending light from the windows was deterring me.

Resigned, I decided to heave myself up and go close the curtains. When I stood, I felt I was made of rubber. Stiff and tacky and leaning off to one side in a strange way. After much too much effort, the curtains were shut. I heard footsteps coming up the stairs. 

_ Oh no.  _ I thought. 

_ Two  _ footsteps. Charlie’s visitor was coming to say hello. I didn’t even have enough time to wonder if I could make it back to the bed in time to pretend I was asleep before the knock came. 

“Bella? I heard you moving around. You have a visitor.”

_ Nooooo!  _ I lamented inwardly. It was  _ not  _ visiting hours. 

“Um…”

Was ‘go away’ a good response? Judging by my exhausted brain’s enthusiastic response to the idea, I’d say it was a safe bet to say no.

“Bella? It’s me!” called Alice from somewhere beyond the door. 

Well, that explained it. Vampires had no concept of visiting hours, as was made utterly apparent by Edward’s nightly visits during the canon. 

“Hold on, let me throw on a sweater,” I requested, trudging toward the closet. I opened the soft cloth basket where I kept my sweaters and tugged one over my head as I dragged my feet heading back to the bed. The cami I’d been wearing wasn’t indecent, but frankly, it wasn’t my body to show off as I pleased even if I wanted to, and I wanted to make sure I respected the real Bella’s boundaries even if she wasn’t here to enforce them. 

Collapsing down onto the bed face first, I grumbled in the general direction of the door. “Come in…” My shoulder throbbed slightly from where I’d landed on it wrong. The door opened. I turned my head to look at her and then scowled. “Alice. Could you not look like you just came off the runway at this ungodly hour?” I grouched. 

She put a little pep in her step just for me and did a little turn. 

I buried my face in my pillow and groaned. “The rest of us mere mortals have yet to greet the day.”

“Hello to you too,” she greeted, her usual cheerfulness unaffected by my dour mood. “I just popped by to see how you’re doing.”

“I am the grumpy emoji.”

A bemused expression graced her delicate features. “I can see that. But really, how are you after yesterday?”

“Disoriented with a sprinkle of distress to add some flavor.” I rubbed my thumb and two first fingers together for her benefit. I let my hand drop to the bed. “I’m embarrassed your brother saw it,” I told her honestly, because my filter was at 5% functional capacity at this hour in the morning. What time was it anyways? Six? Seven?

A small frown marred her brow. “I don’t think you should be embarrassed, Bella. I would lean more toward ‘concerned’ if I were you.”

I grunted noncommittal, rolling over to my back so there was room for her to sit on the bed. She came over without my bidding, plopping all four foot ten of her onto the mattress. It barely moved under her weight. I wondered how the differing of a vampire’s body composition compared to a human’s affected their weight. Surely whatever they were made of weighed more or less than what made up human flesh and organs. I made a mental note to begin a list of things I would like to ask Carlisle if the opportunity presented itself. I doubted I was the first to wonder about these sorts of things. 

Charlie cleared his throat and I turned my head to look at him. I’d forgotten he was there. Honestly, my brain was much too tired to be awake right now. “I’ll just, uh, leave you two to chat. Bells, you want some coffee?”

“No thanks.” I was going to go back to sleep after he and Alice left if I had any luck. 

Charlie gave an awkward sort of nod before putting his hands on his hips and walked away to head downstairs. 

Turning my full attention back to Alice, I waited for her to start talking. Alice wouldn’t have come here for nothing, right?

“I heard you were thinking of quitting art class,” said she, twisting to face me more directly. She didn’t look upset. 

“I’m thinking about it,” I admitted, hoping she really wasn’t upset. “I need to make sure I have enough time and energy to study too; especially now that Mr. Mason has singled me out.” 

Her lips quirked. “Oh, Bella,” she waved my concern off. “I’m sure that he won’t fail you.”

Squinting, I regarded her. “You’re  _ sure? _ ” I asked, wondering if she’d seen it in a vision. That would be very handy to know. 

“I don’t think he can, by the school’s standards.”

That wasn’t the answer I was looking for but I’d take it. “Still. I’m not really sure I’m up for many extra-curriculars right now. This week has been a wee bit dramatic.”

Her eyes widened in agreement and she pursed her lips. “Have you always been so prone to danger?”

“I wouldn’t put it that way, no.” I didn’t consider myself prone to danger. There had been a few... _ interesting  _ events in my life, but nothing in comparison to Bella Swan’s track record when I thought about the two side by side. 

_ I’m in more danger of suffering  _ misfortune _ than any real threat,  _ I thought, thinking about my body’s health. I was literally the trifecta of my paternal and maternal families’ health problems. 

“This isn’t what I would have expected your room to look like,” she finally said, looking at the two sketches I had chosen to put up on the wall. One was a figure study drawing and the other was a rough sketch of a foggy forest. 

“Oh?” I was interested in what she had pictured for my space. A space often reflected one’s personality, and I was interested in knowing who Alice thought I was. 

Bella’s room hadn’t changed much since I’d arrived. The biggest changes had been to add the hideous but effective curtains to the window and box up the possessions Bella had left in Forks. I assumed that they had been assimilated into her room from the summers she’d spent there as a child. 

“I think it's missing your stamp,” she concluded. “I guess that’s normal. You’ve only just arrived and like you said, it’s been a rather distressing week.”

This room was barren, not unlike my own room back in my world; the only difference being that this room wasn’t crowded with medical equipment. I’d tried to place my ‘stamp’ on my room, but it was difficult for me to do so when I felt like every part of who I was was overshadowed by my condition. The fact that the medical equipment did the same thing to my personal space seemed fitting, in a distorted sort of way. 

With that thought floating around in my brain, I decided it was time to change the subject before I could get lost in anymore introspection. “Speaking of, how are  _ you _ ?”

When her eyes flicked to me, I could see a bit of hesitancy before it was replaced with her usual chipper attitude. “I’m great! But worried for you. You should come see Carlisle this weekend.”

“Oh, no,” I responded quickly, waving my hands in front of me. “I don’t want to interrupt your family time or his off days.” In truth, I wasn’t really ready to be confronted by any of this at all. It was becoming harder and harder to keep my story straight, and since I was so alone in the web of lies I was attempting to spin, I was beginning to feel less like the spider and more like her prey. 

“Nonsense!” she assured me. “Edward and Jazz are worried about you too. Carlisle heard us talking about it and was hoping we could convince you to go to the hospital for a check-up, but since I know you won’t, I’ll settle for you coming for a visit. He said it wouldn’t be a problem.”

I got the feeling she wanted me over at her house and that was why she was acting like she was doing  _ me  _ a favor. 

_ Nice try, Alice,  _ I thought wryly.  _ Unfortunately, it’s hard to manipulate a manipulator.  _ The thought scraped against me like road burn, but I ignored the emotional discomfort. 

“Alice…”

“Come one, it will be fine,” she pouted. “Besides. Charlie told me he was going to take you to the hospital this Monday. Just think, if you came to my house you wouldn’t have to fight with Charlie about going to the hospital.”

I scowled. “You make a decent point.”

“Of course I do. So, am I forgiven?”

Blinking, I was caught by surprise at the sudden one-eighty in conversation. “Forgiven?”

“For ‘throwing you to the wolves’, so to speak.”

I squinted at her. “How about this. You’re forgiven if you help me choose an outfit to go to Port Angelos in.”

Perhaps I shouldn’t have been surprised when she squealed and threw her arms around me.

“Yes, yes,” I indulged her, patting her back. “Physical affection and all that.”

Laughing she sprang up from the bed and ran to the closet a bit too quickly for a human. Maybe she didn’t notice, or maybe she just didn’t care. Either way, I didn’t comment. 

Throwing open the closet door, she folded her arms across her chest before bringing on hand up to tap a finger against her lower lip. “So, what will you be doing? Is it a date?”

“Don’t make me laugh.” The concept of someone being attracted to me was horrifying enough, though I supposed it was possible in Bella’s body. I winced at the thought. I would have  _ a lot  _ to unpack in therapy once I got back to my old world. “I’m going to go shopping with Jessica Stanley.”

Pursing her lips she turned to me.

“Oh don’t give me that look,” I ordered, sitting up and leaning back against the headboard. “She’s not that bad. I like her.”

“I didn’t say anything.”

“You didn’t have to,” I muttered, rolling my eyes. In all likelihood, Alice was more upset over the idea that I was shopping with someone else. “I’d invite you but I’m not sure you two would get along right at the moment.”

“She’s not my favorite person,” she agreed, but her voice sounded like she was ready to finegal her way into our outing. “But I could be cordial.”

“No dice. You and I can go shopping another time.”

Watching her eyes light up was fun. “Really? Can I choose where?”

“Within state borders, Alice,” I laughed at her enthusiasm. She looked like she was about to vibrate right out of her long black trench coat.

“I’m going to hold you to that,” she warned me, a twinkle in her eye. 

“And I’m going to pay for my stuff.”

“That wasn’t part of the bargain!” she sang, voice muffled now that she was in my closet. 

“Ugh, Alice! You can’t spend a fortune, okay?” I tried to wrack my brain. Who was best at keeping Alice in line? My mind drew a blank. “One outfit.  _ One. _ ”

“I can work with that.”

Somehow I knew that she would make sure every inch of me was outfitted. If she started mentioning jewelry I would have to put my foot down.

“Besides, you’d be doing  _ me  _ a favor,” she let me know from wherever she’d managed to disappear to inside the closet. Honestly. It wasn’t  _ that  _ big. 

“Ah yes,” I replied, sarcasm dripping from my voice. “The universal favor of spending someone else’s money for material gain.”

She popped her head out of the closet to give me a look. “Gift-giving is my love language, so just put up with it.”

But I felt odd about letting someone spend so much money on me. I already had a mountain of guilt that rivaled the mountain of medical debt I’d caused my parents to carry.

Sighing, I shook my head. “I don’t want to feel like I’m using you. I’m not going to lie, the thought of new clothing is appealing.”

“But?” 

“ _ But  _ I also need to make sure that I’m properly assessing my motivation for letting you shop for me. I’m a selfish person but that doesn’t mean I’m proud of it.”

“I’m not worried about it.”

That didn’t mean I wasn’t.

When she finally emerged from the closet, she came out toting a pair of black skinny jeans and a black turtleneck. She tossed them onto the bed. 

“Here. The best way to make something cheap look expensive is to go for monotone. You own more black than anything else, so I had to go with that,” she sighed. 

“I like black,” I defended my taste. “It’s perfect for any occasion.”

“I can think of forty-three right now that proves that statement wrong,” she replied, sounding put upon, but I knew from her grin that she was enjoying herself. “Here. Wear this my trench coat too. And use this belt on the outside. Do you have any gold necklaces?”

I didn’t have  _ any  _ necklaces. “No.”

“Well, this will have to do for now then! Pull your hair back into a low ponytail and you’ll be set.”

“Thanks,” I told her sincerely. “This suits my tastes really well.”

That earned me a wry look. “I know. So, what time do you want to come over to our house tomorrow?”

As tempting as it was to put it off until Sunday, I knew my anxiety wouldn’t let me get any rest until I got this over with. Not only that, but Charlie would be working tomorrow, so I wouldn’t have to worry about him hovering during the check-up. That was the last thing I needed. “Whenever, I guess. Sometime after noon?”

“Great! Don’t worry about getting a ride out there.”

“As long as you’re sure it won’t bother Dr. Cullen,” I warned her. 

Wincing, she grimaced. “Call him Carlisle, okay?”

I gave her an assessing look before I nodded, deciding not to address him by any name until he himself clarified what he would prefer. I wasn’t under any delusions. There was a high probability that I would be seen as a threat. Those that were threats to you were not entitled to being on a first-name basis. The Cullens were obviously aware that I knew something, thanks to my slip up the day of the accident. Maybe I’d be able to find out how much they knew during the appointment. I still wasn’t sure how to approach them about what I really needed to talk about. 

_ Hello, I’m a body-snatcher. I know all your secrets; don’t be scared. _

I wanted the snort at the thought. Yes, the perfect way to find an early grave. There was no way I could approach any of them yet. Maybe I should just start drip-feeding information to them until they come to their own conclusion. I wouldn’t have to worry about whether or not they found my story credible if that was the case. 

Alice made me try the outfit on and model it for her. It was fun to pose for her. I loved making her laugh by throwing saucy looks over my shoulder at her like a model would to a camera. 

Sighing, she came to stand in front of me, arranging the trenchcoat just so. “It’s really too bad about the lack of necklace. Won’t you let me lend you one for the night? The pop of color would look amazing and bring out the golden highlights in your hair. They’re subtle but they’re there.”

I made a face at her. “I’m as susceptible to the vices of wealth as the next person, Alice, but the thought of having valuable jewelry on me is a bit intimidating. What if I’m mugged or robbed or something?”

She flinched slightly. “Do me a favor and don’t say things like that around Edward.”

“What, is he sensitive to our monetary gap?” I asked, confused. That would be really weird considering Edward hadn’t struck me as someone who would care in the books, but in this world — this strange rendition of fiction — anything was possible. Maybe he was coming to think I was only getting closer to them because of their financial status.

She rolled her eyes. “No, silly, I’m talking about the mugging and robbing bit.”

“Oh. Oh!” Realization dawned. Then I laughed, loudly, because why would he care? She was probably thinking of how he would react to the real Bella that she’d probably seen in her visions. “I honestly don’t think it will be an issue.”

_ Not to worry,  _ I thought, taking a moment to close my eyes stretch my arms above my head, enjoying the painless little pops running down my spine.  _ I’ll take good care of the meat suit. _

Perhaps I shouldn’t have been surprised to see her glaring, but it still had me glancing away in discomfort. Alice rarely glared, and certainly not at Bella. “What?”

Instead of answering me, she just let out a breath I knew she didn’t need.

“I didn’t say that to upset you or anything.”

When she joined me on the bed, she sat across from me, cross-legged so we could face one another. “I know that. That’s not why I’m frustrated. I’m  _ frustrated  _ because you don’t value yourself more. That’s a serious issue.”

I thought about it. “No,” I decided after a minute. “I think I hold myself at fair value.”

“Bella, you have to remember that you aren’t the only one who gets to have an opinion. Other people care about you and it’s awful to hear someone you care about denounce their value so coldly.”

Ducking my head, I looked up at her. “Sorry,” I murmured, deciding to make an effort not to talk about my opinions of myself with Alice around. Her view on my value was skewed with her view of Bella’s value, which, in this universe, was significantly higher than mine. 

“Edward would be upset too.”

That was true. He hated it when Bella put herself down in the books. “Is he doing okay?” I asked her. “He seems like the type to drown in guilt and concern.”

Her lips twitched slightly. “Spot on,” she nodded, her smile a little sad at that thought. “He’s worried, but fine. This week’s been hard on him in more ways than one.”

I cringed. “I’m making things more difficult for him,” I stated, knowing it was more of a fact than a question. 

She tilted her head this way and that as if she were saying ‘maybe’, but when she spoke she said something else entirely. “It’s true that he is concerned about you. Though at the rate you’re going I’m not sure who  _ wouldn’t  _ be,” she hummed thoughtfully. “But that’s not the only reason this last week has been trying,” she told me. 

“If I asked, would you tell me?” I wasn’t sure why I wanted to know, but I asked anyways.

For a moment, I didn’t think she would oblige me; but her hesitation didn’t last long. “He was given this beautiful journal by his mother a long time ago,” she began slowly. “And he’s taken excellent care of it over the years. But this week, he filled the last page. I think it feels like the end of an era for him.”

My throat tightened as if I were the one experiencing the realization. “Something with such high sentimental value would be difficult to replace,” I thought aloud. “I would be really depressed.”

“Maybe,” allowed Alice. “There’s some of that there, but I think there’s a great deal of thoughtfulness as well. Now he has to think about what comes next.”

I shuddered. “Well, I can understand why that would be distressing.” 

On some level, I could resonate with it. Being sick for years, knowing there wasn’t a cure, knowing that your best shot at life would be to figure out how to manage your symptoms but never be able to truly alleviate them; knowing that you would probably die young...it was so terribly frightening. Frightening in the way that it plunged your entire view of yourself and the world into darkness until you can do nothing but attempt to swim through the void in search of some semblance of light. Now add on top of that this idea that you have to have a sort of life figured out for yourself. If you knew death was coming soon but never knew when it might decide to arrive, what kind of plan could you possibly make? What could you do that could make you happy? 

For vampires it was different. There was no threat of oncoming death from age or sickness. But they lived their lives in this state of unchanging, unmarked by the ravages of time or illness. For Edward, I wondered if the journal had significance to him because it tied him to his old life, to what he associated his humanity with, similar to how the arts had tied me to who I used to be before I was sick. 

The difference between us was that the journal was something finite. It would eventually be filled, or it would decay and fall apart over time, unable to stand the test of immortality. But if his tie with the journal was broken, to what then did he tie his idea of his humanity to? To Bella? To her humanity? Maybe I was reading too much into it. I could be completely off base. But something in my soul resonated with it. I wondered if Edward’s would too if he could hear my thoughts. 

“What are you thinking about?” murmured Alice, after I’d been in quiet contemplation for too long. 

“Things that tie us to who we used to be,” I whispered back. 

We didn’t have much more conversation before she left. I would have felt bad about sending her out into the rain without her coat, except she seemed insistent, telling me that it was the only way I could make my wardrobe ‘wearable’ for an outing. She was such a snob and I loved that about her. 

I fell asleep again easily, dreaming about leather journals and elegant script. The dream had me thinking about my meager experience with bookbinding. I had taken a vested interest in it in 2018 and had taken classes and devoured any youtube video on bookbinding that I could. I had created a few different ones, but nothing like the leather one I had in my mind. Hell, even if I went through with the idea and made it for him, I wasn’t even sure I would give it to him. Part of me felt like it was approximately 0% my business. Another part of me was blooming with excitement at the thought of putting the time and effort into such a sentimental gift that I knew the receiver would most likely treasure and value. I’d love to give him something in return for what he’s done for me. Another part of me, a more honest part, wanted to leave something of me behind in this world as if it would make me anymore real.

The only problem with my plan was that I knew it would take a long time to purchase the supplies and put it together. And even if I got past all that, I would still have to overcome my insecurities to give it to him. 

Growing up, I had been told constantly that I was too intense. I cared too deeply, did things too thoroughly, and agonized over perfecting the details. Hearing this as a kid when I put my heart and soul into everything I did had been hurtful because it felt like a rejection of the essence that made me who I was. For years, I’d wished I could be more ‘carefree’ like my peers. But that’s just not how I was built. By the time I was an adult, I’d come to terms with the fact that I cared too much about everything and had all the emotions all the time. The difference was that the older I became, the better I got at hiding it.

_ I don’t have to tell him I made it,  _ I realized as I stared into the abyss of the mostly empty fridge later that day.  _ I can just say I purchased it from an amateur artisan or something.  _

With that thought cheering me, it was decided. I would do my best and probably be embarrassed about it later. I wasn’t under any delusions that it would be completely perfect. To give something imperfect to someone who literally embodied the physical traits of perfect wasn’t something I would relish when the time came, which is where the embarrassment came into play. Because why hold yourself to attainable standards when you could spend your time agonizing over the inability to be flawless at everything all the time? I would just have to settle with knowing that it was made with my good intentions and great care.

_ If I feel like it’s too weird after it's finished, I can just not give it to him,  _ I decided.  _ He’d never know and no one would be the wiser.  _

I shut the fridge door with more force than necessary. There really was nothing to eat. There was beer, bacon, one egg, and an assortment of condiments on the door. I didn’t eat pork, so the bacon was out. The freezer was mostly just full of fresh fish fillets and expired freezer meals. I shuddered. I wasn’t big on eating in the first place. Food made me feel awful. But meat? It was worse. Once, my mother had told me that ‘meat’ was really just an animal’s ‘muscle’ and I was honestly traumatized. I had decided that in order to eat the meat my doctor required in my diet, meat grew on trees. For sure. Totally grew on trees. And were harvested ethically by workers who were paid well. 

_ Ring! Ring! Ring! _

My eyes caught on Charlie’s phone on the wall. I stared at it. 

_ Ring! Ring! Ring! _

I cringed. God, it could be Renee. Or Charlie. Both were bad. But the  _ phone.  _ I didn’t want to talk to anyone. Especially someone I didn’t know. And I didn’t know many people here. What were the chances that I knew whoever was on the phone? 

_ Ring! Ring! Ring! _

THERE WAS NO TIME! The incessant ringing was making my anxiety ratchet up. Racing to the phone, I yanked it off the wall, hoping that meant I had picked it up. 

“Swan residence,” I uttered, sounding tense even to my own ears. 

“Bella?”

I nearly collapsed with how much relief flowed through my body at the sound of Jessica’s voice. 

“Jess!” I wheezed. “Jesus, you scared me. I thought for sure I was going to pick up the phone and have to make awkward polite small talk with someone I didn’t know only to have them ask me to deliver a message to Charlie I would 100% forget before I even hung up the phone,” I said all in one breath. 

She laughed, but in a ‘is she okay’ sort of way. “Uhm, then why did you pick up the phone?”

“Because,” I groaned, leaning against the wall. “Renee is about this close to hopping on a plane to come out here and if she called and I didn’t answer, she’d do it without hesitation.” She couldn’t see how close my thumb and pointer fingers were together, but she could guess. 

“Yeah, I bet they’re worried. Speaking of, how are you doing today?”

I grunted. “Meh. You?”

“Good,” she drew the word out. “So, I was calling to see if you wanted to get dinner with me and Angela tonight in Port Angeles. You’re probably not up for shopping tonight, but that’s fine since my mom wants me to stop at this special little spice place up there. That’s why we’re going. I wasn’t sure I wanted to take two trips to Port Angeles this weekend. Does that work for you? If not we can reschedule for next.”

“Uhm, yeah, I think I’ll be up for dinner,” I nodded. “I’ll have to let Charlie know.”

“Good idea. We don’t want to be there after dark so we were thinking of leaving right after school.” 

I looked at the clock. Lunch break. That explained it. “Are you on a cellphone?” I asked. 

“Yeah, my parents got me one,” she said slowly.

I wasn’t sure how to respond to her tone. “That’s nice,” I ended up saying, wondering what this weird tension was.

“Yeah. Hey, listen, I’ve got to go eat,” Jessica stated, sounding apologetic. “Can we pick you up after school?”

“Sure, Jess, sounds good. I’ll see you guys then.”

She sounded more cheerful when she bid me goodbye. I hung the phone back up on the hook and let out a breath. Port Angeles, huh? Well. I was way behind those events in the timeline and I wasn’t headed for the bookstore, so I would probably be fine. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol.


	19. Port Angeles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: This chapter contains the depiction of an attempted sexual assault. Please proceed with caution. This scene begins after Hallan leaves the craft store. For those of you that choose not to read the actual scene, I will provide a short summary of what happens in the endnotes of all relevant information to the plot. The scene is very reliant on the emotions and thoughts Hallan is feeling at the time. This makes the scene less graphic, but by the same token may also impact you more deeply than you feel comfortable with. Also, please note that Hallan is particularly bloodthirsty in this chapter, and her desire for violence may disturb some readers. Please make the right decision for you regarding this chapter.
> 
> A/N: I'm quite nervous about posting this chapter because of how disturbing the contents are. I have changed the rating on this story from 'Teen & Up Audiences' to 'Mature Audiences' due to the events in this chapter.

#  Chapter Eighteen: Port Angeles

When I slid behind the driver’s seat of the dark green hatchback Subaru Jessica was driving, she craned her head around to look at me. “Hey, stranger,” she smiled. “Brought your homework.”

She held a stack of papers out to me and I begrudgingly took it. “You shouldn’t have,” I drawled. I had forgotten about homework. When I had said I wanted to skip school, it _included_ the homework. 

Jessica giggled. 

I set my homework on the seat beside me and peered around the beige interior of the car.“So where’s Angela?”

“She had to drive her car home first so we’re going to pick her up. Are you sure you don’t want shotgun?”

Shaking my head, I just smiled and looked at the light drops of rain hitting the windshield. “I’m good here,” I assured her, thinking of all the safety and driving statistics that my brain had filed. It was just before three and the clouds were a fairly bright shade of gray. I guessed that it would be closer to twilight by the time we made it into Port Angeles; nonetheless, it was better safe than sorry. 

“Whatever you say,” she shrugged and put the hatchback in drive. “Honestly I’m surprised your dad let you come.”

I groaned dramatically and slouched deeply into the seat. “Only just barely. He ended up needing to work late tonight so he wouldn’t have been able to bring dinner home. It was only after I told him we wouldn’t be clothes shopping that he agreed to let me out.”

“At least he let you come, though. I was afraid he’d say no. By the way, how are you holding up?”

“I pretty much slept all of yesterday and most of today, so I’m feeling great,” I told her, lying about the last bit. I was still exhausted, but it was a particular brand of exhaustion; the kind that you thought might be residing behind your eyes but really resides deep down in the marrow of your bones. So in other words, something sleep couldn’t fix.

“Good, you needed it.”

“So where are we going for dinner?”

“Ang and I were thinking Burgerville. Does that sound good to you?” She sent me a quick glance in the rearview mirror. 

“Yeah, I love Burgerville,” I told her in the most even tone I could manage. It was amazing how many things I never thought to look for existed here. Memories of family road trips around the northwest swirled around my mind like cheerful flurries of snow. The unfamiliar feeling of a craving arose in me as my mouth watered for the familiar tastes of their seasonings. Burgerville was exclusive to the northwest and was something of a staple in my childhood before it had gotten so expensive that we couldn’t eat there anymore. Something told me that wouldn’t be an issue in 2005. 

When we pulled up to a house that I presumed was Angela, she was waiting on the sidewalk, smiling at us. 

“Are you sure you don’t want the front, Bella?” she checked before she sat. 

I waved her off. “Have at it! Unless you’d rather sit back here with me. Car accident statistics would be more in your favor.”

“Hey!” protested Jessica, sending me a mock glare. “I’m a _great_ driver!”

Angela slid into the front passenger side with a small laugh at our expense as I responded. 

“I don’t care what kind of driver you are as long as you do it safely.”

The drive to Port Angeles was fun. Jess turned the radio up and they sang along to almost all the songs on what I assumed was a Pop channel. I knew none of them so I just smiled and enjoyed the air of excitement and odd sense of camaraderie teenagers got whenever they were hanging out outside of the house. Perhaps it was the taste of freedom. 

The drive flew by as I watched the landscape create a continuous abstract painting in blues and greens within the frame of the window. The car was a bit chilly but Alice’s trenchcoat kept me toasty. 

_Note to self,_ I thought, smiling down at where my hands were resting atop the dark fabric. _Buy a trenchcoat._ Because really, Alice was brilliant. 

Burgerville looked pretty much the same and my heart leapt in my chest just to know that. For whatever reason it made this place feel more real. 

Jessica parked the car and took the keys out of the engine. “Ugh, I can smell the calories from here,” she circled her hand under her nose as if to bring more of the scent closer. 

I grinned. “Smells good, huh?”

“Mmhmm,” Angela agreed full-heartedly. 

“God yes,” answered Jessica at the same time. “Let’s go in, I want that Burgerville sauce _yesterday_.”

On that note, we all scrambled out of the car with a mixture of mirth and anticipation. Thankfully, Jess reminded me to pop the lock down on the door before I closed it so I didn’t have to make a fool of myself forgetting that you couldn’t just use the remote. I stuck my hands into the deep pockets of the coat and walked through the light rain to get to the door. 

Once inside and out of the cold and wet air of late January, my companions took the hoods of their jackets off to peer up at the menu with me. My mouth watered. God, there were so many choices and they all looked pretty good; but I knew my eyes were bigger than my stomach. I could probably just order fries and feel full, but Charlie would kill me if he heard I wasn’t eating a balanced dinner tonight. Okay, he probably wouldn’t _kill_ me, but he’d call Renee so he might as well just do it himself and save her the plane ride out there.

“Hello, welcome to Burgerville; may I take your order?” the smiling woman asked, repeating a well-used phrase she likely repeated over a hundred times a shift.

Seeing Jessica and Angela hesitate, I fought the urge to roll my eyes at them. I didn’t know them well enough for them to understand it was playful. But honestly, you’d think servers were from another planet by the way teenagers acted around them sometimes. As someone who had worked in a fast-food restaurant before, I knew how odd it felt to have people react that way to you. 

Stepping forward, I returned her smile. “Hello, my friends and I will all be on separate tabs. I’ll take your quarter-pound Colossal Cheeseburger, with extra spread and no tomatoes.”

I waited for her to enter it into the outdated machine in front of her. “Okay, and would you like that in a meal? We now have seasonal milkshakes. Right now it’s Marionberry.”

Looking over my shoulder I glanced at my companions. “Anyone want to share it?”

“I would if you don’t mind,” Angela murmured, still sounding shy. She was a sweet girl. And willing to eat the food I wasn’t able to, apparently. This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship. 

“In that case, yes I’ll take it in the meal with the shoestring rosemary fries if you please.” God I just knew was going to regret ordering this much but it all sounded so good.

After she’d entered that, the woman looked back up at me, still smiling her service-ready smile. “Alright, anything else?”

“No, thank you, that’ll do it.”

“Alright, your total three dollars even.”

Damn, that was cheap food. I was beginning to like 2005. I handed her the debit card Renee had helped me set up so I could make ‘online purchases’. Little did she know I had moved the majority of Bella’s savings into her checking account and was busy investing her college fund. Ah the perks of being responsible. No one ever asked where the money was. Currently, it was accruing a decent amount of revenue and would only continue to do so. I was only willing to spend the money I’d made from investing, though. Bella’s college money was just that. Bella’s. Even if she would use it later to fix some beat-up bikes she would drive for just a few months. I made a mental note to leave all my information and passwords for the investments somewhere only Bella would find it so she could retrieve the money if she wanted to whenever she got back into her body.

Once I’d paid and stepped away from the cash register, Jessica sidled up to me while Angela ordered hers next. 

“Woah, you have your own credit card?” she asked, jealousy clear in her tone. 

I shook my head vehemently. “No, no, it’s debit,” I clarified quickly. I had a _very_ healthy fear of debt. It only crippled my ability to dream about the future a little. And by a little I meant entirely. “Renee got it for me because I do all the grocery shopping and she didn’t want to send me with hers all the time. It’s easier to keep track of the money I spent with the bank statements rather than with receipts.”

“I wish my parents would let me have a card,” she sighed, hand wandering down to her phone. 

I remembered how strange she’d sounded earlier that day over Charlie’s landline. When she’d mentioned her cell, she’d kind of shut down a bit. I might have asked her about it, but Angela was stepping away from the counter with her number and Jessica was up next. 

“Here, you forgot this,” the dark-haired girl unstacked the plastic numbers and handed me one. 

“Oh, thanks, I always forget to grab this. Shall we go grab a table?”

“Yeah, sounds good. I’m thinking a booth.”

“Perfect, that works for me too. Jess?” I put a hand on her shoulder. 

She paused to look at me and nod, letting me know she’d heard us. So we stepped away from her and headed back into the small seating area of the restaurant. Burgerville had a very distinct vibe to it. With its red, white, and yellow jukebox that matched the retro upholstery and its tables that were lined with grooved chrome, it said 50s burger joint. 

“I love this place,” I murmured off-handedly. 

“Really? I didn’t think they had these in Phoenix.”

If my heart stopped and tripped a bit with anxiety, no one would find me admitting it. “I spent summers up here with Charlie up until I was twelve.”

“Oh, I didn’t know that. I don’t think I ever saw you,” remarked Angela, watching as I pulled the brown eco-friendly napkins from the chrome dispenser and began wiping down the table in front of us. 

“Makes sense. I think I spent most of my time at Charlie’s or on the reservation. He likes to fish. What about your parents?” 

Next, I moved to wipe down the seat. Maybe the paper towels didn’t do much, but they got rid of the crumbs, and that was something if a very minimal something.

“My dad is a minister.”

“Oh?” I replied carefully, attempting to conceal any negative reaction that I had.

Nodding, she followed my suit as I unfolded a napkin and laid it out like a placemat. “Yeah. We like to take trips over here to the Feiro Marine Life Centre on weekends with the family. It’s why I first got interested in journalism.”

My interest piqued, I leaned forward. “Really? What got you interested?”

“Well,” she began, not seeming to know what to make of the attention. “Ever since I was little, we would visit beaches and aquariums as a family. My mom studied Marine Biology in college, so it’s a passion of hers. I guess she kind of passed it down.”

“So are you interested in writing research papers and such in the study of Marine Biology?”

“Maybe. To be honest, I don’t really know yet. But I know I love both subjects, I guess.”

Jessica returned then, and I could see Angela was grateful she wasn’t alone with me anymore. I immediately felt the familiar guilt. This happened frequently. I was just a bit _too_ interested. Not just interested in their likes and dislikes, but I had to know the _why_ and the _motive_ behind everything. I hadn’t even realized I was doing it. To me, it was just a normal, informative conversation. But I guessed to Angela it might have been a bit intrusive or over-eager. I wondered at what point I had crossed over the line. It was always so indistinct to me. I wished people would draw clear boundaries so I’d _know_ instead of having to rely on my instincts as they weren’t always to be trusted. I was embarrassed. There was nothing I could do about it now, though.

“I’m going to use the restroom before the food gets here,” Angela murmured, sliding out from across me. 

I smiled at her and Jessica told her to hurry back before sliding into the booth across from me.

“She sure left quickly,” observed Jessica, taking a sip of her soda. “What were you talking about?”

“Journalism and Marine Biology,” I told her honestly. 

“Really? She usually loves talking about that stuff. I can’t believe you managed to scare her away.”

Over-interest apparently did that to people. Hopefully, my smile wasn’t tight when I answered as smoothly as I could. “It’s a gift.”

Jess glanced quickly in the direction of the bathrooms as if to check to see if Angela was still gone before she leaned forward. “Hey, I wanted to talk to you about something really quick.”

Well, that didn’t sound ominous at all. “Yes?”

“Remember lunch on your first day?”

“Kind of? Why?” When in doubt, make the other party believe you have no idea what they’re talking about until you’re sure you’ve done nothing wrong.

Shifting and looking a bit uncomfortable, her jaw ticked for a minute. “Well, we had a conversation. About the Cullens. And I said something that upset you.”

Oh! Okay. I could stand by what I said. Feeling better, I easily nodded. “I remember the conversation you’re talking about, but I wouldn’t necessarily say I was _upset_.”

“Weren’t you? Nevermind. Don’t answer that. That’s not—” she huffed and appeared uncomfortable, unable to meet my gaze. “Look, I’m trying to say I’m sorry. I feel like a total bitch now.”

Now? What changed? “Uhm...I don’t know if it’s really my place to forgive you for what you said about Mrs. Cullen,” I remarked slowly, leaning back because now I wasn’t sure what she wanted from me. Unclear expectations made me uncomfortable. There were no boundaries around this conversation to help direct the flow. It felt like driving without a destination, and I hated that. 

“That’s not what I’m talking about. I mean about _you_ , Bella. I know you probably don’t want to talk about it and that’s like, fine and everything; I just wanted to say sorry. And if you ever _did_ want to talk about it, I swear I wouldn’t tell anyone.” She looked like she was trying to cover the vulnerability she felt with irritation. 

I understood then, what she was talking about. She thought I’d been upset about her remark about Mrs. Cullen because _I_ had health issues as well. “Oh, no, Jess. It’s not like that,” I attempted to assure her. This body was healthy.

Scowling slightly, she nodded. “Yeah, yeah, I get it. I’ll prove that I’m trustworthy, Bella, really.”

I felt frustrated because I didn’t _want_ her to feel like she was untrustworthy. It wasn’t that I believed that about her; it was just that I had too many secrets I couldn’t tell anyone. And even if I decided to be completely honest with her like what she appeared to want, I knew she would be hurt because my “truth” was so unbelievable it would sound like I was lying.

But her words haunted me. _Maybe...maybe we don’t have to lie so much to each other._

Angela came back, and this time I was the one who felt grateful. She saved me from the memory of the lie I’d unwittingly made. I’d meant ‘yes’ when I’d said ‘yes’. I hated myself for not realizing that I _couldn’t_ uphold that promise.

The food arrived and we all made quick work of tucking in. Both my companions seemed happy with their meals. Once I’d eaten a few bites of the violet-colored milkshake I pushed it over to Angela. 

“That’s all you want?” wondered Angela dubiously, staring at the mostly full cup.

“They’re really filling. I want to be able to eat my burger and fries too. After the week I’ve had, there’s no way Charlie won’t ask what I ate for dinner tonight. He’s being uncharacteristically attentive.” Which was a disturbing development in terms of the plot, but I didn’t have time to think about that right now. 

“If you say so,” she agreed, taking the milkshake and eating some of it herself. “If you want anymore just let me know.”

As it turned out, I wasn’t even able to finish my burger and fries. They were both delicious but it occurred to me halfway through the meal that I hadn’t been eating large enough portions recently, and my tolerance for larger amounts of calories had greatly diminished. Maybe it was a good idea that I went to see Carlisle. Bella’s body might be suffering because of my lack of personal management skills.

“So, the Girls’ Choice Dance is coming up in March,” began Jessica, through half a mouthful of fries. 

Resisting the urge to grimace at the sight, I quickly looked down at my food. 

“Yeah, that’s right,” remarked Angela, seeming to brighten.

“I’m thinking of asking Mike.”

I wasn’t surprised that was Jessica’s plan. She had seemed to cling to the idea of Mike in the canon. “Oh? Do you like him?” I asked her before taking a small nibble of my yummy sandwich.

“He’s probably one of the hottest guys in school next to the Cullens,” she listed off. “He’s easily one of the popular guys, he plays basketball, and he’s the boy-next-door type.”

To me, that sounded like code for ‘boring’, but I wasn’t Jessica, and honestly, I didn’t understand the patterns of what other people found attractive in someone anyways. What I _did_ understand was that Jessica, while sounding excited, had not actually answered my question. 

Setting my cheeseburger down, I looked at her, confused. “So, you _don’t_ like him?”

“No, I do. Out of everyone at school he’s my top pick.”

Angela frowned too. “I don’t really understand, but I think you should try to date someone that you like.”

“I agree with Angela, sorry Jess.”

Jessica looked frustrated. “There really isn’t anyone else, though.”

“Does there need to be? If no one is really catching your eye then why rush it?” I wondered, really trying to understand.

I had to laugh at myself internally a little though. _Spoken like a twenty-year-old virgin._

“Bella. No one wants to go to a school dance alone; that’s just _sad_.”

I really didn’t understand high school culture very well, but I did understand the desire for companionship. So I tilted my head at her. “Then how about we go together?”

Her eyes widened and she looked a bit shocked before something more sly slid across her features. “Well, Bella, I didn’t realize you batted for your own team,” she teased me with a faux salacious smile. 

I laughed at her over-exaggerated flirting. “Quit,” I scolded her, reaching across the table to flick her lightly on the forehead. “You’ll make the preacher’s kid uncomfortable.”

She pouted, rubbing the spot I’d flicked. “You’re no fun, Bella.”

“I’m tons of fun, but you won't know that unless you go to the dance with me~” I kept my tone light and coaxing. Because really, girls were so much more fun to dance with than guys. They were more beautiful, smelled really good, and unless there was a mutual understanding, you never had to worry about it becoming sexual. It would be a good time.

Angela was red in the face. “Are you two...I thought you and Edward...But you…”

Feeling bad for the poor girl, I put her out of her misery. “Just friends,” I chuckled. “Jess gives off big straight vibes.”

“And what about you and Edward?” Jessica asked eagerly, jumping onto that line of conversation. “You didn’t answer that question!”

“I actually have no idea how to define our interactions. We don’t really know each other well enough to consider the other a ‘friend’, and I do find him objectively attractive…”

Snorting, Jess rolled her eyes. _“Objectively.”_

I ignored her. “But I would say that at the moment we’re both sort of wary around each other.” _Like two stray cats deciding if the other is a threat or not._ I didn’t say that part out loud.

“Why would you two need to be wary of each other?” queried Angela, nibbling at her chicken tender. 

This was not an easy question to answer a human. “Let’s just say we didn’t start off on the right foot and we’re still recovering.”

“That’s right, the whole school was talking about it. Didn’t he glare at you all day in biology?”

“Yup. And I tried to awkwardly break the ice a few times. I don’t remember what I said but if I had to hazard a guess, I would say that I probably overshared.” And if that was the case it really was a crying shame that vampires in this universe had perfect recall. What a horrible thing to realize.

Angela hummed and then murmured. “I thought for sure you two were dating. He kind of...watches you.”

My face grimaced at her. “Thank you for not making that sound at all creepy,” I muttered sarcastically. 

“Oh, no, I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just that he always seems concerned for you. He’s not glaring or anything. That’s not really normal for Edward,” reassured Angela, trying to backtrack.

_He’s not concerned_ for _me, but rather_ about _me,_ I thought.

“Right? It’s so weird that he responded to you like that.”

Jessica and Angela were quickly getting too deeply invested in this situation and I needed to diffuse it. “I learned later that he was already having a rough day. I guess he was kind of used to working alone and he really wasn’t happy about gaining a lab partner.”

“That makes sense. He’s kind of a loner,” Jess nodded, seeming satisfied with that answer.

Angela just looked thoughtful. She was too observant. I needed to either avoid her entirely or be much more careful than I was being. I knew I wasn’t the best liar, so maybe avoidance would be key. 

“So, will you go with me to the dance?” I requested, doing my best to redirect the conversation back to safer grounds.

Jess sighed. “I’ll think about it. I still might ask Mike.”

“Ugh! The sting of rejection,” I clutched my chest dramatically. “I may never recover!”

Jessica snorted and I couldn’t help but grin in response. Even Angela seemed to be enjoying our banter by the time we’d finished our meal. As I had suspected, I wasn't able to eat all of mine. Neither girl commented, so I hoped they hadn't noticed.

“So, time to head down to the actual port area. That’s where the spice shop is,” said Jessica as we all climbed back into the car. I took the backseat again. 

Remembering my plans to begin making Edward a journal, I quickly leaned forward in my seat. “Hey, are there any craft stores near it?”

“Um,” she looked up, putting a finger to her chin as she tried to remember. “I think so? But it’s a couple blocks inland.”

“Great! If you guys don’t mind, can we go there after you pick up what Mrs. Stanley needs?”

Angela nodded, amenable as was her nature. 

But Jess shook her head. “Honestly, it will take me a while to find what my mom wants. She sent me with a list, but it will take some time. Why don’t you guys head down there first?”

“Actually, I was thinking I wanted to buy something from the spice shop too,” interjected Angela. 

The way her eyes flashed toward me but never met me told me I was probably the reason. She was avoiding spending more time with me alone. Embarrassment flooded me once more and I tried hard not to cringe at myself. Yikes. I’d really made a fool of myself, hadn’t I? I felt bad, but I was really looking forward to being back in my room, shut away from the world with naught but my art supplies to keep me company. 

“Really?” Jess seemed surprised. She didn’t get it. Poor Angela. 

The dark-haired girl’s cheeks flushed and she unzipped her purpled raincoat. “Yeah, uhm, it’s her birthday soon.”

“That’s cool,” I smiled in an attempt to look like I didn’t totally know what Angela was doing.

“Alright, then let’s go,” chirped Jessica, putting the car in reverse and pulling out of the lot. 

We all parted once we reached the spice shop. I had gone in long enough to be given directions to the craft store, and then I’d set off on my own, feeling a bit lonely but oddly powerful with the dramatic trench coat and my long hair tied into a low ponytail that swung back and forth as I walked. 

Twilight had just begun to cast its long but soft shadows on the street in front of me in dark grey with bluish tones. My thoughts were well-occupied as I thought about how I would mix the pigments if I were to try and paint this. The ten-minute walk left me a bit chilly and wind-chapped but it didn’t bother me because the smell of the salty ocean carried itself in with me as I stepped into the warm interior of the craft store. 

Someone called out an obligatory greeting as the bell chimed, and I stood there for a moment, thinking of where to start. I supposed I would get the supplies to create the textblock. The textblock was the bulk of a book; the paper and the spine. So I would purchase some decently weighted paper and a beginner’s bookbinding kit if they had one. That way I would have the awl, curved needle, and waxed thread all ready for me. It was the most economical way for me to do it. 

Craft stores truly were magical places. I tended to get lost in them. I swear they must have had Siren’s on staff somewhere because I could never resist their pulls. They had a small bookbinding section, luckily enough for me, but it was very limited. I knew right away that I would have to look elsewhere for the leather and embossing tools if I chose to go down that route. But they had what I needed, so I made the purchase. 

I ended up buying a pack of mixed-multi-media paper that was pre-cut into the dimensions that I wanted. I was pleased with the weight and grain of it, so it didn’t take much deliberation, no matter how much the parchment tempted me. Edward would be alive for eternity. This paper would eventually become aged and look authentic while it was at it. So it would have to do for now. 

I only made two other purchases that I probably shouldn’t have: the T3, T4, and T5 COPIC markers so I could work in greyscale, a drawing compass, a clear ruler, and a fine-liner pen. Oh boy, was I excited to use these bad boys. I resisted cackling as I left the shop, plastic bag in hand. 

What kind of drawings would I start doing? I loved doing drawings of buildings with these supplies, but which kinds? Modern houses or cute little fairytale cottages? So many choices and so little free time to explore them in! I felt like some sort of gremlin, gleefully prancing off into the night with its stolen goods. I grinned, peeking into my bag. 

I nearly tripped over a large crack in the sidewalk. Cursing, I caught myself and looked down to see the uneven pavement staring back up at me. My brows furrowed. The sidewalk hadn’t been uneven on my way up here. Jerking my head up, I began to look around. 

_Where the hell am I?_ I panicked. I was usually so aware of all the dangers around me, but I hadn’t counted on the Siren’s pull. Art supplies really would be the death of me. 

The scuff of someone’s footstep met my ears. A chill slithered down my spine. At most, they were behind me about twenty feet. I kept walking. I remember well what had happened to Bella in the book, but the timeline was different now. I couldn’t be sure that it would play out like Bella’s experience had because what she experienced wasn’t unique. It was possible that there would be no shiny-Volvo-owner to rescue me. But maybe it was nothing...or maybe it was something.

I listened for the sound of the ocean, breathing in the salty air. If I could just turn in its direction…

The buildings around me were industrial ones: warehouses and the occasional brick facade of an abandoned storefront. My guess was that there wasn’t much traffic here. I could see cars a few blocks down. The footsteps grew closer. I started walking faster. 

My heart pounded in my ears and I gritted my teeth. I didn’t dare look back, but I could hear them matching my stride. A desperate part of me hoped that I was wrong, that I wasn’t really being followed, but my instincts were screaming at me. I may not trust them to get me through a social interaction, but I sure as hell trusted them to tell me when I was in danger, and right now, I was in danger. 

I could hear a group of men around the corner from where I was walking. Every part of me screamed not to trust them. Not to acknowledge their presence. Unfortunately, it didn’t matter. They acknowledged mine. 

“There he is, Harley what took you so long?”

_Keep walking, keep walking, keep walking…_

Harley, who I supposed was the one following me replied with an amused tone. “I thought I’d bring along a friend.”

_Don’t talk to me, don’t look at me, don’t come near me…_

A hand gripped my shoulder and turned me around. “This her?” asked a guy in his twenties, dark eyes looking me up and down from beneath his knit hat. “Well aren’t you a pretty little thing?”

I tried to move away from them, but my back hit someone else, his warm breath smelling of smoke and grease as he breathed on my neck. “You’re not leaving yet, are you angel? I think we should get to know you a little better. What do you say?”

I jerked away from him, wanting to be out of the ring they were forming around me. “Leave me alone,” I ordered, but my voice came out shaky and frightened. 

“Damn, that ain’t friendly at all,” one of the four complained, smirking as he stuck his hands into the pockets of his black jacket. “I think someone should teach you some manners.”

Fear spiked in me at the words. 

“Let me do it,” Harley growled, hand closing around my upper arm.

“Let me go!” I cried, but he continued like I hadn’t spoken at all.

“I found her so I get to go first.”

Groans sounded in annoyance. “Come on, man!” protested the guy who’d breathed down my neck.

“That ain’t fair,” the man in the black jacket scowled. “You _always_ get them first! Let me have a turn. I can’t wait to...”

I fought not to gag at the words that proceed to come out of his mouth. I couldn’t even register them in my mind, though they floated in the air around me, threatening to suffocate me. It was filthy air. Thick with lust and violence and pain. They tattooed themselves on my ears like an echo that just kept going, drowning out the steady ringing. Terror rose up in me like a flush that just kept spreading. I needed to run. I needed to get away fast. By some miracle, or perhaps simply due to their distraction, I was able to dart between the one in the cap and Harley. As I did so, I broke out in a desperate break of speed I didn’t know Bella had. But her body wasn’t strong and fast. Stronger and faster than mine, yes, but in comparison to others, not fast. 

My sneakers pounded against the asphalt, loud and heavy. I was running into the wind and it was loud in my ears and made my hair flow like long streamers behind me. The muscles in my legs burned and my body was hot with panic. Besides the panic, the sensations were no completely dissimilar to that evening last week where I had played manhunt with the other teenagers on the reservation. Yet the stark contrast couldn’t be any more clear. That night, I had felt fast and strong and powerful then. Smart and cunning and confident.

I didn’t feel that way now. Because someone’s hand reached out and grabbed the ends of my hair. I let out a screech as my head jerked back. Unfortunately, my body continued its momentum and I landed on my ass on the cold, wet concrete, my hair fisted by one of my pursuers. 

“Don’t be like that, we just want to show you a good time, isn’t that right boys?” the man grinned, looking at his friends. They laughed with him like this was funny. Like it wasn’t horrible and dirty and disgusting. He loomed over me and his black jacket only served to further emphasize our differences in size.

Rage burned inside of me. How dare they. How dare they strip me of my autonomy. How dare they limit this body. This body was supposed to be limitless. Undamaged. Unbroken. _I was supposed to be unbroken now._

In one swift motion, I got my feet under me and swiveled, staying low. The guy still had a hold of my hair, now gnarled and knotted. 

“Oh, good news y'all, looks like the kitten has claws!” he laughed, looking down at me.

Harley, I thought, hooted in delight. “Good! I like it a little rough.”

What a talent these men had. I had never thought anything could disgust me more than I could disgust myself. I was wrong. They were surrounding me again, looming over me, nudging me with the toes of their wet shoes.

I stood up, and they didn’t stop me, cocky and confident as they were. And why shouldn’t they be? There were four of them and only one of me, and I was surrounding. 

Harley leered at me, looking at this body up and down like he had a right to. Like it was his. But it wasn’t his. It was Bella’s. It was _mine._

“Well, too bad for you, I like my men dead,” I bit out, lashing out as I spoke, my nails digging into his face. I was aiming for the eyes but I was so terrified and filled with rage. In that moment I would have sold my soul to be Medusa. Or maybe I wouldn’t. I didn’t want them to have the privilege of being immortalized by stone. I wanted them _dead_. Bloodied and broken beyond recognition, just like how they’d likely left their victims. I wanted to tear them apart. I didn’t want to be a victim. I didn’t want justice. I wanted _vengeance._ Bloody, savage vengeance. One of my nails caught on his eyelid and he let out a yelp.

“Fucking bitch!” he screamed, shoving me away. “I’ll kill you!”

Bringing back my fist, I shouted, “Bet!” I would break his goddamn teeth!

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I had to wonder at my stupidity. What a confounding mixture of terror and convoluted confidence. What is because I subconsciously didn’t believe this was real? But it was. It was so real. The fury that turned my veins to magma in my body, the filthiness of it all, the chilly air and the harsh wind against my chapped lips...all of it was so real. Too real. And I hated it for that.

My fist never connected. A clammy hand suddenly encircled my wrist and I was yanked back. I let out a howl of pain my left shoulder was gripped and squeezed. They couldn’t have known it was injured but it was and it hurt. My plastic bag dropped to the ground as the muscles in my arm spasmed painfully. I didn’t have the opportunity to respond before I was turned and shoved up against the side of the warehouse without warning. 

“Ugh!” I grunted, voice hoarse. I already knew my face was going to bruise. My brow bone pulsed with pain. I could feel their disgusting hands fumbling with my clothes.

“This fucking coat,” muttered the man holding me. I couldn’t tell which one he was but it ceased to matter because he managed to move it out of the way. 

If I could just get out from between the wall and this assailant...I brought up my leg and tried to kick his knee, but it was caught by another hand. “Not this time, sweetheart,” huffed a gruff voice. I could feel his breath through the leg of my skinny jeans. He was gripping my thigh painfully. I couldn’t move my leg. Feeling weaker than I ever had, I felt myself go weak as the horror and the inevitability of the situation set in.

I could hardly move. There were thick hands in the waistband now, trying to pull it down. I was trapped. I was trapped and alone and _please don’t let this happen to me, it can’t happen to me!_ But it was and it was terrifying and I felt smaller than I had ever felt. 

I let out a bloodcurdling scream for help. It died as quickly as it had risen because there was a hand over my mouth now. Hands. Hands everywhere. Too many. Too warm. Too disgusting. Get off, stay away, stop, stop, _stop, stop, stop!_

Their handprints felt like sizzling burns that would leave invisible scars marring this body, like a permanent reminder of what I was being debased to. My anger remained but the confidence I had found in it had fled as soon as I’d found myself pinned like a beetle on a board with no way to escape.

“You can’t do this! I don’t want this!” I screamed into the hand, feeling cold air hit my ass. “Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!” my internal litany spilled out of me. “HELP!” I screamed at the top of my lungs, but it was muffled by the sweaty hand over my mouth. 

They were talking, but I didn’t hear them my ears were ringing, screaming in a thousand different frequencies in a thousand different languages I couldn’t understand. Their breath smelled like smoke and beer and grease and filth. My heart felt like it was made of liquid lead, melting everything inside with burning, singing, all-consuming fire. Fire. Fire. Fire. Fire. Blood. Blood. Blood.

_Kill them,_ I thought viciously. _I’ll kill them. I’ll snap their necks. I’ll_ —

But I never got to finish the thought. The disgusting moist heat that I’d been trapped in suddenly disappeared from my body, and because they had been holding me, I fell backwards too as I felt their respective grips on me leave my body. 

I landed hard on the wet pavement. My hip was jostled, and I knew it was close to dislocating. Not quite though. I wish I could have held my breath, tried to stay still so I could make sure it stayed in, but I didn’t have that kind of presence of mind. I was terrified and dirty and furious and oh god, I had never felt this much anger before. I scrambled forward, trying in vain to get my feet beneath me.

“Bella, it’s just me, Alice, I’m right here, Bella!” her light voice, soft and comforting pierced through my haze. 

“Alice?” I whispered, shocked to see her. “You came. You came, oh my god,” I whispered. I was shaking. I didn’t think anyone would come.

“Yes, I came,” she whispered, voice strained. “Can I help you fix your clothing?” she requested, hands in front of her like she was approaching something unknown and dangerous. I felt unknown and dangerous. Broken and used. 

I looked down at myself. My turtleneck was still on, though it was bunched up under my breasts. My hands had been tugged down below my ass, but that was as far as they’d gotten. It was far enough. Far enough to make me feel stripped of my worth and my dignity. I choked on a sob and tried to pull my jeans up. 

“Please let me help,” my friend begged. 

I nodded, unable to speak at that moment. Alice gently lifted me so I was standing. I had no qualms about leaning on her as we righted my outfit; I knew she was strong enough to hold me. She tried to smile at me once she had finished, but it looked tremulous and unsteady. I swallowed and squeezed her shoulder before I released it and turned to look around me. 

Rosalie and Carlisle were both there standing over the four men. They were not who I would have expected to be here. Rosalie was sneering and holding one of them by the throat. I didn’t know which once. My eyes couldn’t seem to focus on anything.

“Rosalie, we should call the police,” Carlisle suggested softly, trying to assuage his daughter from murdering the man. 

_Or we could turn their skin inside out,_ I thought, wanting to stalk forward but only managing a wobbly shamble. 

I squared my shoulders as best I could and clenched my jaw against the pain radiating from my left side. This would haunt me. It would haunt me like a ghost of the past if I didn’t do this myself.

Rosalie’s furious black eyes left the man and focused on me. We stared at each other. I took a breath and lifted my chin so I was standing as straight as I could. I was limping slightly and I knew I had bruises and possibly a cut on my face. 

“Don’t call them,” I said firmly, but my voice was still a bit shaky. 

The men were terrified, staring between Rosalie and Carlisle. 

“Listen,” the one in a knit cap began. “We didn’t do anything, man! Let us go!”

“Yeah!” Harley agreed. “I swear she wanted to play too.”

My vision went red, and as though she was an extension of myself, Rosalie snarled and her hand shot out to grab him by his throat. 

_He treats this like it's a game,_ I realized with renewed horror and disgust. _It was a good thing I loved a good old fashioned murder mystery._ My voice was menacing when I spoke. I bent forward slightly to stare down at him. The game Clue came to mind. _I accuse myself, on the street, with my bare fucking hands._ I thought menacingly, the savagery satisfying something deep and dark inside of me. I was angry enough I could almost believe myself capable of it, though I was weak with shock and fear. My heart pounded against my chest at the thought of vindication. No guilt rose in me at all. I doubted I was their first victim. How many others had they done this to? I was one of the ‘lucky’ ones. They hadn’t succeeded. But I didn’t feel lucky.

“I should kill you,” I murmured, eyes drilling holes into Harley. The one who'd chased me. The one who'd coraled me.

I was still walking forward but a sudden stitch in my side had me crumpling in pain. I hadn't realized that I was hyperventilating. My head was cloudy and I was so angry I couldn't see straight. Cold arms steadied me and my eyes caught onto Carlisle’s golden gaze. Alice was suddenly at my right side and looped an arm around me to help hold me up. Their touch did not scare me. There was no suffocating heat. No anger. No lust. I was safe with them. Just cool, calm certainty. Safety. How strange.

“Bella, please, you’re not thinking clearly right now,” Carlisle began, releasing me once he was sure I wouldn’t fall. “The police can take care of this, I promise.”

And he didn’t know how triggering those words were to me, so I couldn’t blame him. My anger was as sharp as a whip when it came, but I kept it as reeled in as I could.

“You think I trust the justice system?” I demanded. “They won’t do diddly shit, Carlisle. Do you really believe they’ll serve a _single day_ of jail time if I reported them? Even if they could only be convicted of _attempted assault_ what about any of their other crimes they've committed _successfully?_ Do you know the statistics for rape? I sure as hell do. If I take the chance to let them walk free, who’s their next victim? Jessica? Angela?”

“I promise we won’t let that happen, Bella,” he soothed. His eyes were brimming with sincerity but I wasn't willing to risk it. Not when I could still feel their invisible handprints eating away at my flesh.

I shook my head and turned back to the men. Back to Rosalie. I stared her in the eyes. 

They were nearly glowing with understanding. With _eagerness._ “What do you want, Bella?” she asked, and it was the first time she had ever spoken to me. I knew she would kill them if I asked her to, but I also knew her family wouldn’t be happy with that outcome. 

So I compromised. “Make sure they can never attempt this again.”

Her smile was sinister and full of promises. 

Carlisle opened his mouth as though to say something, probably to try and convince us, but Alice cuts him off.

“Carlisle,” she called him, tone flat. 

The doctor turned to look at his daughter, and she shakes her head at him, eyes fixed on his. I thought maybe she said something too quickly and quietly for me to catch. Whatever she said had Carlisle closing his eyes for a moment, before he nodded and turned away to go stand beside her. He didn’t try to stop me or Rosalie again. 

“Any parting words for them?” Rosalie offered with a smile that looked like an excuse to bare her teeth. I appreciated it.

My eyes flicked down to them where they cowered on the ground like the disgusting worms they were. 

“Just a few,” I replied, leaning forward so they could look me dead in the eye. 

Only one managed it, while the others were looking toward Carlisle as if he would offer them help. Their salvation was not what we’d been arguing about, but rather, their lives. A pity they didn’t understand that. But perhaps Rosalie would teach them. 

Thanks to the protection of the three vampires, my words were clear, unwavering, and without hesitation when I spoke. “I hope you feel just as worthless and violated as you made your victims feel. I hope you lose your sense of self. But more than that, I hope you _never_ get it back.”

And then I turned from them and I didn’t look back as Rosalie dragged them away into the darkness of the ally, screaming, protesting, crying, and begging. Their pleas landed on deaf ears, just like mine had. 

“Let me go!”

“Where are you taking us?!”

“Please!”

“I promise I’ll never do this ever again!”

“I swear!”

I could hear the sounds of what happened next. Part of me wanted to cringe away from it so I didn’t have to listen. But I forced myself to stare into the inky blackness. One managed to claw his way out of the alley but no sooner had his hand popped out into the light of the buzzing street lamp as he dragged back. I relished his terror.

Closing my eyes I tilted my head up to the sky and let the rain pelt my face as though it could cleanse me from what had happened tonight, though I knew no amount of water or soap or scrubbing could ever erase the mark they had left behind on me. 

As their cries slowed and quieted to whimpers, I opened my eyes once again and stared into the darkness to spare one last thought for them.

_Rot in hell._

I felt no regret, so perhaps I should have wondered if I'd see them there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SUMMARY: A little while after leaving the craft store, Hallan realizes that someone is stalking her. She isn’t very street-smart, but she tries to act casual and get to a street with traffic on it as soon as possible. She fails in this attempt. There are four assailants. They attempt to sexually assault her and would have succeeded if Rosalie, Alice, and Carlisle hadn’t shown up in time to save her. Alice helps Hallan fix her clothing, while Rosalie and Carlisle keep the men from escaping. Carlisle wants to call the police but Hallan doesn’t trust the justice system and wants to take her own form of revenge. Rosalie asks what she wants and Hallan asks her to make sure they can never attempt to do what they did to her tonight again. Rosalie is all too happy to comply. Carlisle does not try to stop them this time and Hallan has no regrets.
> 
> A/N: That was a heavy chapter. It was really difficult to write, and I imagine difficult to read. I apologize for that. I think now would be a really good time for you to do a bit of self-care for yourself; whether that's drinking some water, eating something that makes you happy, or watching something that will make you smile or laugh. Stay safe and aware of your surroundings, my friends! Don't do like Hallan did. Also please note that I do not intend Hallan to be a role model on how to deal with things. Just remember that she is a flawed character and the choices she makes may be different than the choices someone else might. The best thing to remember is to make the best decision for YOU.
> 
> Here are some helpful resources like the [National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline](https://www.rainn.org/about-national-sexual-assault-telephone-hotline) (USA), the [National Sexual Assaul Resource Center](https://www.nsvrc.org) (USA), and these articles that contain information to help prevent a possible sexual assault ([article 1](https://www.thehopeline.com/sexual-assault-15-tips-to-protect-yourself/), [article 2](https://www.tbotech.com/50-ways-to-keep-yourself-safe-from-sexual-assault.htm)).


	20. The Aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: The following chapter is Hallan’s reaction to attempted sexual assault. She is in a very vulnerable place and isn’t feeling particularly safe around men at the moment. This is not an attack on males as a whole, but rather the depiction of a single individual’s reaction to such a traumatic experience. It is not intended to offend anyone. 
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: I'm still going to put a trigger warning on this chapter because Hallan is dealing with the aftermath of a very traumatic event. Keeping with how it was presented in the last chapter, her memories will be presented primarily through the emotions they rouse rather than graphic depictions. 
> 
> I'm sorry I took so long to write this! I needed to do some self-care myself. I hope everyone is doing well and in a healthy place. Please enjoy the chapter!

#  Chapter Nineteen: The Aftermath

I was numb. Perhaps that’s why I didn’t realize that my legs had given out from under me until Alice swept me up in a princess carry which probably looked comical considering the fact that she was well below five-feet to Bella’s five-four. When she turned, the darkness of the ally was hidden from my view, and the world seemed to be in motion again. Rain pelted us with heavy drops as we went. Paying them no heed, I sagged against her and didn’t resist her strength as she loped toward a vehicle I hadn’t noticed before. It was a black Mercedes that reminded me of my mother’s best friend who I’d lovingly called ‘Auntie’ as a child. It was nostalgic in so many ways. 

Carlisle opened the door to the backseat. “Lay her down, Alice, she’s likely going into shock.”

Was I? Bella hadn’t in this scene, but then, it hadn’t been this way for Bella. I could still feel their hands on me, hot and sticky...inescapable. Memories washed over me like a tide and I found myself drowning in it. Vision clouded and ears ringing, my body began to shake violently. 

“I think I need to lay down,” I slurred, head lolling forward and bouncing. 

Alice sucked in a breath and made a chocked sound. I heard her teeth grinding together as she maneuvered me into the car and helped me to lay me down. “I’m sorry, Bella,” she gritted out through clenched teeth. Not a moment later, I felt a small wave of welcome cold air wash over me. She was gone. Where had she gone? I wanted to look for her, but...

“Can’t see,” I muttered, trying to lift my head as though that would fix the gray haze that had settled over me. It wasn’t unfamiliar. It used to happen to me all the time.

“Okay, Bella, I’m right here. I need to check for a concussion and tend to your cut; may I touch your head?” Carlisle’s voice was somewhere above my head. 

“Not my neck,” I cried out, as though he would suddenly grab it. I could never let anyone touch my neck. Too much trauma. Logically I knew he wouldn’t, but I wasn’t logical right now. I was small and hurt and scared and blind and too hot and shaking and so many other things I had yet to assess.

“I promise I won’t touch your neck,” he soothed me, his words coming out with articulation and slow precision. “I just want to look at the cut on your face and at your eyes.”

My breathing calmed slightly. I nodded because there was a huge lump in my throat. I was going to start crying at any minute and I desperately wanted to be alone when it happened. If I was going to break I preferred there were no witnesses present to watch me come apart at the seams.

“Alright, Bella, I’m just going to touch your temples and forehead, okay?” he said in what I assumed was his professional bedside manner. Kind and gentle. That was okay. In general, I found it difficult to be comfortable around male doctors due to my personal experiences with them in the past. They were so much more likely to write off my pain or attribute very serious neurological distress symptoms to anxiety. But Carlisle was still a character to me, and he was a character that embodied certain values that wouldn’t allow that sort of indifference. I decided that I could be okay for a few minutes while he did what he needed to do. 

Cold fingers lightly brushed my temples to straighten my head. I held still in the position he placed me in. I could feel my eyes straining to see, jumping around as though if I looked in one direction over any of the others I would suddenly have my sight restored, but it had yet to receive. My body felt like heavy rubber. I couldn’t move even a little. I understood I was having a panic attack but that didn’t make it any better.

“Okay, the cut is minimal, your bruises will fade. It’s hard to tell if you’re concussed at the moment because you’re eyes don’t respond the same way when you experience panic-induced vision-loss.”

I let him clean the wound without protesting, not minding the sting of whatever he was using. I was just thankful there weren’t any needles involved. I began to feel very floaty, like a balloon that was hardly tethered. I remembered when I was a small child, I’d been looking out the window and the blinds in my room had suddenly fallen down on me, hitting my nose and splitting nearly a centimeter of skin there. My mother had wanted to take me to get stitches at the hospital but I had begged and cajoled until she agreed I could let it heal on its own. It had left a slight scar and irregularity, but it was better than getting stitches. 

Carlisle’s voice brought me back down to earth. “Did you get the cut from the wall of the warehouse, Bella?”

“Probably,” I croaked, unable to think of any other time it might have happened.

“Okay, I need to administer a tetanus shot, would you let me do that? I would deliver it in your upper arm.”

My breathing increased. “No, no, that’s okay,” I tried to sit up. I’d had enough trauma for one day. I didn’t think I could handle trying to be strong through yet  _ another  _ event. 

“Bella,” chastised Carlisle. He really had the ‘disappointed father voice’ down to a T. “This is very important. I can do it quickly and easily if you let me,” he assured me.

I swallowed, trying to calm my heart because I knew they could hear it frantically pounding. Gods but I wanted to cry. I could feel moister welling in my eyes. “My shirt,” I whispered, grasping at straws. The turtleneck I was wearing didn’t have sleeves that could be pulled up that high or a collar that would stretch that far.

“You’d have to take it off if you don’t want it cut,” he said, voice sympathetic. “So we’ll—”

But I was already scrabbling away. In my mind’s eye, I saw a flash of myself without a shirt. It was one thing to allow him to touch my forehead and look into my pupils with a light. It was an entirely  _ different  _ thing to take off what little armor I had and allow myself to be even  _ more  _ vulnerable in front of him. I shook my head vehemently as I reached the other open door, intent on climbing out. I could almost make out the shapes around me, but everything was still too hazy. Panic had me tripping out of the car. I would have fallen flat on my face, but I was caught once more.

Gasping, I reared back, unsure of who it was. 

“You aren’t going to take off your shirt,” Rosalie swore to me. “We’re going to cut it.”

I really didn’t want to do that. I liked this shirt and I didn’t like needles. ‘No’ plus ‘no’ did  _ not  _ equal yes. That math just didn’t add up for me. Nonetheless, I stopped struggling. Shivers still wracked my body, though. 

Sucking in a large breath, I swallowed. “Sorry,” I murmured, voice shaking as she helped me back into the car. I wasn’t usually so difficult. I had gotten past this. Or at least, I thought I had. But what little control I’d thought I’d had been stripped from me tonight. It made me want to erect walls to keep myself safe because my sense of security had been threatened. I was still  _ feeling  _ threatened, even though I didn’t fear them. “I’m sorry,” I said again, but this time it felt like the words fell from my mouth. 

“You don’t need to be sorry,” replied Rosalie sternly. 

“My daughter is right.”

As my vision slowly returned I gritted my teeth and stared off into the distance, wishing I couldn’t see again. Once that arm of Alice’s trenchcoat had been removed, I heard the snick of scissors as they cut the sleeve of my shirt. Rosalie sat down beside me in the car and I turned to push my face into her neck, wanting to hide from the needle. Another apology sat heavily on my tongue but I managed to keep it inside this time.

A cold, wet pad slipped over the skin, prepping the site for the needle. Grimacing I clenched my hand in my lap. Rosalie sat beside me, stoic as ever as I pressed close to her. I wished I could make myself stop. I couldn’t tell if she was uncomfortable with it. Maybe the smell of my blood was making it hard. But she didn’t move and she didn’t complain so I tried not the think about it. 

“Alright, this will be very fast, Bella.”

Then the pinch of the needle bit into my skin. My heart pounded faster as the heat exited the needle and entered my body. I hated heat. I swallowed around the lump in my throat and tried desperately not to move, but even willpower could not stop the shaking. The needle withdrew but I kept my eyes shut tightly. 

“It’s finished now. Everything’s been put away,” Carlisle informed me a few seconds later.

When I opened my eyes, I turned my gaze to him. “Thank you,” I tried to give him a smile but it came out a bit too tremulous for my liking. 

The golden-haired man offered a smile in return as he zipped his medical bag. Perhaps I should have been surprised that he had exactly what I needed on hand, but considering Alice’s talents, I couldn’t even muster the act. Exhausted and feeling drained, I slumped. 

“I was with Angela and Jessica,” I murmured, remembering that fact slowly but unable to drum up the energy to care. “I don’t want to talk to them about this. I don’t want anyone to know.”

“I see,” Carlisle hummed. “Would you be comfortable if I told them that you had a medical emergency? I’ll let them know you needed to be taken home.”

I didn’t even attempt to debate the lesser evil with myself, I just nodded. Really, I couldn’t care less what he told them at the moment. I was just desperate to get somewhere I could have a breakdown in peace and quiet. On the day-to-day, it was easy to make fun at the expense of my trauma. But something about this just wasn’t anything I could poke fun at. I couldn’t laugh it off.

Alice slid into the passenger seat and sent me a smile.

“Are you okay?” I asked her. She’d left rather quickly a few minutes ago. It was easier to focus on someone else at the moment. Perhaps that made my worry for her selfish. 

“I’m fine, Bella. I went to let Angela and Jessica know you were having a medical emergency and that Carlisle was taking care of you.”

“Wow,” I smiled slightly. “That’s incredibly efficient.”

A more genuine smile appeared on her face then, still small, but there. “I also when to grab this.”

The plastic bag crinkled when she held it up. I gasped reached for it. Once it was hugged to my chest, I tried to smile at her. “Thank you,” I whispered.

For whatever reason, it was the straw that broke the camel’s back because I felt silent tears falling down my face. I tilted my head down. I didn’t want anyone to see. I spent the entire ride breathing through it and leaning into Rosalie. 

Her cool hands petted my hair, gently detangling it as best she could. She was careful not to touch me anywhere else, and I was thankful. I could still feel their hands on me like glowing brands; and irrational fear filled me at the thought that when people looked at me, they might be able to see the glow too, even if I knew it was more of a sensation and not something you see. I lost my battle to be silent when I was startled by a hiccup that wracked my body and let a wounded cry fill the space. No one said anything about it. I crushed my plastic back closer to my chest.

When the car stopped, we were outside Charlie’s house. I looked up at it with a mixture of relief and dread. I didn’t want to go in. I didn’t want to face him. Didn’t want him to know. Maybe I could lie when he asked later and say I was out with Jessica. Before I had the chance to think about it anymore, the choice was taken from me when the door swung open. Charlie nearly tripped and fell running down the steps as he approached the car. 

Carlisle stepped out right away. I could hear him calling for his daughter, asking if she was okay, but I just shrunk down against Rosalie. I didn’t have it in me to pretend any more tonight. I was so tired of acting like I was okay, acting like I belonged here. I just wanted to be free to not belong. 

I watched as Carlisle gently took hold of Charlie’s shoulders and began talking to him. Charlie seemed to get more frantic rather than calmer and I felt apprehension coil in the pit of my stomach. 

“What is he telling Charlie?” I whispered, voice void of emotion even as my entire being was filled with horror. 

Rosalie wrapped her arm over my shoulder and rocked me slightly. “He won’t say any of the details,” she murmured. 

I swallowed the protest that tried to rise in my throat. “I didn’t want him to know.”

Alice turned in her seat so she could look back at me, an unreadable expression on her face. “This isn’t something you can just brush off, Bella,” she reminded me as if I didn’t already know. 

Anger rose in me but guilt automatically followed. Alice didn’t deserve my anger. I felt it twist inwards; a hurricane of self-disdain. “I’m used to handling things on my own.” I bit my lip because I could tell if it was the truth or a lie. I was used to shoving down negative reactions and feelings and dealing with them on my own, but as far as my physical health, I’d been rather helpless in my real body. 

“Could it have been any other way?” challenged Alice. 

And I wanted to say yes, I really did. But the cut, my bruises, and the PTSD I already knew I’d probably have would make it nearly impossible to hide, especially from someone I was living with. Perhaps I would have said more, but Carlisle and Charlie were turning toward the car. Carlisle motioned for Rosalie to roll the window down. Swallowing down my nerves, I watched as it slid away. 

Charlie looked like he was in distress, but he put on a brave face even if his eyes were hard. He was obviously in pain and I hated myself for being the cause of it. “Hey, Bells,” he knelt in front of the window and I was grateful because I didn’t want to be talking to anyone in a blue uniform at the moment. At least when he was kneeling I could barely tell. Somehow it made him less intimidating to me. Since I was in the middle seat, Rosalie was between us and I didn’t have to move from where I was leaning against her, drawing from her consistent strength. 

“Don’t tell Renee,” I half begged, half ordered. 

Frowning, he pursed his lips. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea, kid.”

I felt my panic begin to rise again. I opened my mouth to speak but Rosalie surprised the hell out of me when she spoke instead.

“Mr. Swan, please respect her choice,” Rosalie interjected quietly.

The poor man looked like he was caught between a rock and a hard place. “It’s not something I can just keep from her mother,” he explained in a frustrated tone, running a hand through his short hair. “I’m her father, so  _ I  _ have to make that decision.”

It was as good as telling her to back off, but she held firm. “Even so, I would ask that you respect her choice because I wasn’t given one.”

That had Charlie stilling. I looked at Rosalie in surprise. “You didn’t have to do that,” I whispered, barely audible. Rosalie might as well have revealed her past to him outright, as direct as her statement was. She just held me against her a bit more tightly in response to my words. 

Charlie regarded her with searching eyes before he turned to look up at Carlisle. “You’re family is familiar with what Bella is going through?”

The patriarch of the Cullen family nodded slowly, “Yes.”

Charlie swallowed hard and nodded. “Okay,” he breathed out slowly. Then he turned to me. “Do you want to go with them?”

I jerked slightly in surprise. “What do you mean?” I asked, trying to catch Carlisle’s eyes. 

“I know you won’t go to a hospital, but Dr. Cullen has offered to monitor you tonight in case you have a concussion. I think it might be a good idea, Bells.”

I did so want to look to someone else to make the decision, but I didn’t know who to turn to for reassurance. In the end, I wanted to feel safe. And no offense to Charlie, but being in a house full of preternaturally strong and alert vampires felt safer in an ironic sort of way. And beyond that, I trusted them. Maybe because I knew what Bella would become to them, or maybe because I knew what they were becoming to  _ me.  _ So in the end, it really didn’t matter either way. 

I nodded slowly. “Okay.”

I couldn’t blame Charlie for looking relieved. “Okay. I’m going to head into the station and make some calls. Don’t worry, kid. We’ll catch them.”

“I don’t want anyone to know.”

“Are you going to press charges?” he asked, voice sounding more like his officer persona. 

I had no idea what to say. What was the cover story? I didn’t know what the cover story was, though I was sure there was one.

“Mr. Swan, perhaps now isn’t the best time to ask these questions,” reminded Carlisle, sounding kind but firm. 

Looking sheepish, the chief nodded. “Sorry, Bella. We’ll talk about this later. I’ll call Dr. Cullen later tonight to see how you’re doing.”

I tried to smile at him. “‘Kay,”

Rosalie started rolling up the window. I glanced over at her. She looked mad. 

Once the window had been rolled up, I turned my gaze to her. “Rosalie?” I tilted my head, trying to figure out what was wrong. 

“Why is he asking that?” she hissed. “It’s not the time!”

“It’s how he’s dealing with the trauma,” I told her quietly. I didn’t feel one way or the other about it. 

“He’s your father!”

But he wasn’t. 

“Rose,” Alice called from where she’d been silent in the front seat. 

They both stared into each other’s eyes until Rosalie looked away with a huff. It was an interesting reaction. I wondered why it seemed like Alice had so much input. Was it truly only because of her vision or could it be more than that? Was there some sort of coven dynamic that Bella hadn’t been privy to because the Cullens operated more as a family and than a coven? Speculating was easier than trying to deal with everything that had happened tonight. Until a thought hit me.

“Charlie said he was going to be looking for them,” I started breathing a bit faster. “What if they find them?” Would they be able to track it back to Rosalie? Oh gods, would the Cullens be asked to testify in court? That would put them in the system and then—

“Bella, Bella, it’s okay!” Alice assured me from the front seat, reaching out a hesitant hand as though to place it on my knee. “The boys took care of it.”

Heart calming, it took a minute for her words to sink in. “So that’s where he was…” it wasn’t something I’d meant to say out loud. 

Nodding, she stared deeply into my eyes. “You thought Edward would be there.”

I shrugged noncommittally. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I was aware that it was a prelude to a conversation I wouldn’t be able to escape. But by the same token, it was something I was willing to put off as long as possible. I wasn’t in the right mindset to be thinking clearly enough to play that particular game of chess. 

“You have to talk to us eventually,” reminded Alice, not sounding worried. 

Sighing, I just leaned further into Rosalie’s support. She was giving off some maternal vibes right now and I was craving them like a drug. I missed my mom. “I know. It’s not exactly something you can just throw out into everyday conversation, though.”

“There will be time for that later, Alice, don’t pester her.” 

It seemed Rosalie would continue to surprise me. Rosalie, who was devoted to her family’s safety above all else. Hell, it might as well be her dominant function stack. 

Alice didn’t push for any more information and I was grateful.

“Who’s at your house at the moment?” I asked, hesitantly. I wasn’t sure I was ready for Edward to see me. I was so far behind the best version of myself and I hated being seen like this. Messy, unkempt, damp, feeling dirty and used and disgusting...there just wasn’t any way I could show this to him even if he’d likely see it in someone’s thoughts later. 

“Just Esme,” Carlisle replied as he opened the door and climbed in, obviously having heard me from outside of it. 

Interesting that they were no longer attempting to hide anything from me. Weren’t they afraid of the Voltuuri? But then, I supposed I’d given enough away that it was apparent I already knew about vampires, and so wasn’t a threat to the Cullens. 

_ Perhaps I should pretend to be exceptionally unobservant,  _ I mused. 

“The boys are still in Port Angeles. The girls will get you cleaned up and settled before they come home.”

I hated myself for how visible my relief was. Plastered onto me like an advertisement on a billboard. I tried to hide my reaction by looking down at my hands, but my body had slumped against the blond goddess and my heart had slowed from its gallop. 

I looked out the window to see Charlie watching us as we drove away. I could see more of his turmoil then. The way he kicked the tire of his car and gripped the open driver’s door too tightly when he made to climb into the driver’s seat making it obvious. I turned my head away, deciding that it wasn’t my business to watch him express his pain. Nonetheless, compassion filled me. He wouldn’t be able to take out his anger on my attackers as I had. 

Closing my eyes, I decided to sit and just listen to the rain for the duration of the ride. 

An indistinct amount of time passed. I was mostly caught in the crosshairs of nausea and panic, so I hardly noticed whether it had been mere minutes or over an hour. But the car came to a stop and I heard two car doors open. The panic bubbled a bit as I cracked open my eyes. We were here. 

“Are you ready to go inside? Esme has prepared a bath for you.”

I managed a weak smile. “That’s kind of her.”

Rosalie didn’t smile back. She seemed more concerned. “No one expects you to be a proper guest right now so you can cut that out now,” she informed me sternly. 

Ducking my head, I felt a flush crawl up my neck. I nodded anyways. “Sorry. Bad habit.”  _ Good habit?  _ I didn’t know anymore.

The blond only grumbled in agreement as she opened the door. “I’ll carry you in.”

It wasn’t a question, and honestly, I didn’t want to have to admit that I wasn’t strong enough to get into the house on my own two feet anyways, so I was relieved. Once she stepped out of the car, I slid toward her using my arms to create the momentum. As soon as I was close enough, she scooped me up and out of the Mercedes sedan. 

Then I turned my head to stare at the house. 

My mouth dropped open. “Wow,” was all I managed. 

I stared at the crisp clean lines of the modern architecture and the soft warm light spilling out of the windows in contrast. It was dark out, so it only made the light seem brighter. I’m not sure what I expected. In the books, I vaguely remembered something about them living in an old restored home but in the movies, it was a modern home similar to this one. I hoped I would get the chance to see it in the daylight; from what I could see its composition was really beautiful 

“Do you like architecture?” Rosalie asked to distract me. I knew she could feel my body locking up again. It seemed to be a chronic thing tonight. I wondered if it would continue. 

I nodded. “I considered studying it before I—” but I snapped my mouth shut. Before I realized my brain would never be cognitively capable of it. 

In the spirit of whatever kindness she was bestowing on me tonight, she didn’t question me further. My gratitude was infinite. She carried me up the few shallow steps to the interesting door that you could hardly tell from the windows around it. 

_ It’s really wide,  _ I noticed.  _ If not for the stairs I’d wonder if this floor was intended to be ADA approved. _

Alice zipped behind us and closed the door. Rosalie hissed at her and I jumped. It was the first time I’d seen any of them move that fast. But because of my delayed reaction, I could have been jumping at either Alice’s speed or Rosalie’s hiss. 

Alice rolled her eyes at her sister. I didn’t comment. I would just have to get used to it. If nothing else it confirmed I wasn’t crazy and I wasn’t just Bella having a really weird fever dream. 

Once I was brought up the stairs, I saw a woman standing in a living area, some distance away. My guess was that they were trying not to startle me. “Hello, dear,” she greeted kindly. 

“Hello,” I swallowed, wondering if I should call her by her name.

“I’m Esme, Carlisle’s wife.”

“She knows,” assured Alice as she stepped around Rose, moving a bit too quickly.

The blond scowled at her much shorter sister. “Alice,” she hissed, eyes warning her.

I lifted a hand to Rosalie’s shoulder tentatively. “It’s okay, Rosalie.”

She looked down at me, seeming conflicted. “Fine.” Then I was transferred to Esme and Rosalie was out of the room. I wondered what it was that had upset her. That I knew about their family or that I had no problem being near them. Whatever it was, I was sorry, but I just couldn’t deal with it tonight. 

“Don’t mind Rose; she means well,” Esme told me kindly, turning to walk toward a hallway on the other side of the open floor space. The hallway a warm wood on one side and a glass wall on the other. “We have a guest space on this floor. It offers a bit of privacy for visitors.”

While I appreciated her efforts I wasn’t under any delusion of privacy here. I just smiled at her. Looking over her shoulder, I saw Alice in the living area. She waved but made no move to join me. Part of me was grateful. 

The room was small, but as a guest room that was fine. The queen bed in the middle look fresh and clean and I yearned to climb into it and fall asleep for a few weeks. Honestly, I deserved that sleep. Hopefully when I woke I’d have the presence of mind to remember to change in the bathroom and not in front of the wall of glass just beyond the bed.

“It smells like lavender,” I observed already feeling myself relax at the familiar smell.

“Yes,” she agreed, smiling a bit sheepishly. “I hope you don’t mind it. I put some Epsom salts in the water for you.”

Nostalgia and desolation crept in in equal measure. That sounded like something my mom would do. When you were unable to leave your bed for anything besides doctor’s appointments and to use the restroom, you found enjoyment where you could in simple things. Baths like the one Esme had prepared were a favorite because not only was it was beneficial to my body and helped ease the aches and pains, but it was also a very pleasant and loving thing to do for oneself. Since it took little effort to add salts or oils to a bath, it had quickly become a staple; something I looked forward to whenever I had enough energy and my mom had enough time to help me through the bath. 

I felt the tears before I realized they were falling. I reached up and wiped them from my face, looking at the shiny tips of my fingers with confusion. Esme held me a little closer. 

“Poor dear,” fretted Esme as we entered the warm light of the bathroom. “Let’s get you cleaned up.”

“Thank you,” I choked out. I wanted to scrub my skin off. It felt dirty. 

“Hush,” she chided me. “I don’t want to hear any more of that tonight. There’s no need to thank me for taking care of you. Taking care of others is my joy in life.”

She sounded like a really lovely person. I was already afraid of disappointing her. Mentally, I pleaded to whatever deity or force of nature that would listen:  _ please don’t let her find out about what I asked Rosalie to do.  _

It was bright in the bathroom. My eyes had to adjust a bit to the light that flooded the space. Somehow it made the room feel safer. I could see every corner and every nook and cranny. I wondered if Esme had done that purposefully. Once my eyes adjusted, my eyes took in the bathroom. The wall behind the large white tub was a flat slate black and the cream ceiling had three modern sconces hanging at different levels off to the left. To the left, the wall to the right was a glass pane with two square vertical gardens that were bursting with greenery and life.

Esme set me down and my slightly damp sneakers squeaked against the warm white marble floor. It was opulent and elegant, like something I would see on Pinterest and dream about having in my house one day. Staring down at my shoes, I was hesitant to move; I didn’t want to get the sparkling floor dirty. I just felt so dirty. 

Movement to my right caught my eye and they flicked to the wall of glass beside the tub that looked out into the forest right as it was frosting over into a greenish opaque slate. 

“This way you’ll have some privacy,” explained Esme with a kind smile. “Can I help you with your clothes?”

I wanted to say no. I really did. But my shoulder was aching and angry and I still felt a bit like I was made of long rubber noodles. So I swallowed down my self-consciousness and nodded. 

Stepping in front of me, she moved slowly as she removed what was left of my shirt. Esme kept her eyes carefully averted the entire time, and I was grateful. 

“You’re chilled, dear,” she frowned as she helped me remove my jeans. I knew my feet and legs always felt like they’d just come out of a refrigerator to other people. Stiff and cold and just a bit strange. 

“They’re always that cold,” I assured her. “Nothing to worry about.”

The little crease between her eyebrows didn’t seem to agree, but soon enough I’d been divested my garments, covered only by a towel that I’d held up around my chest to keep me from exposing too much of Bella’s body. Not that I wanted to feel exposed right now either. As far as I was concerned, I’d really love to live in armor for the rest of my life. Or maybe just a really remote location with great internet access. 

“Alright, let’s get you into the tub. Don’t worry about getting the towel wet. Once you’re settled with everything you need I’ll leave and you can remove the towel.”

I bobbed my head again. A moment alone sounded wonderful.

Wincing as my feet stuck to the marble floor in a disconcerting way, I hobbled over to the bathtub. My shoulder was locking up and that meant my back was too. Of course, that meant it traveled down to my hips and made my legs stiff as well. The joys of a recently dislocated shoulder. 

Esme steadied me with both hands as I stepped over the tall side of the tub and into the warm water. It was heavenly. Somehow the water felt like soft silk against my skin as I was enveloped in its soothing embrace. Letting out a sigh, I leaned back against the wall of the tub. I could fit my entire body in it. That was amazing! Such a feat would not have been possible for my admittedly lanky body which was off doing who knows what in another world. Being tall had its advantages, but I was beginning to see that the smaller variety of humans also had their fair share of merit.

“I’m glad you like it,” Esme told me with a smile in her voice. 

I looked up at her with a weak return of one. “This bathroom gets a ten out of ten, Esme, and I haven’t even seen the rest of it yet.”

A strange look flitted across her features but it was gone before I could decipher it. “Well, I’m glad it meets your approval! Hopefully the food I’ll make you will as well.”

That had my eyes becoming more alert. “Oh, I can’t eat right now,” I informed her apologetically. There was no way I’d be able to keep it down and I was  _ not  _ going to expel the contents of my stomach in a house full of vampires with super senses. And even if I could, in a few hours I’d need to use the restroom and I wasn’t going to do  _ that  _ either. Thankfully I had a good excuse. “I had dinner not too long ago with Jessica and Angela.”

“If you’re sure,” she agreed, looking uncertain. Then she turned her body toward the door. “I’ll let you have some privacy. Just call if you need anything.”

“Thank you, I will.”

Once she stepped beyond the threshold, she slid the solid wooden door shut. My hands flew out and snatched the soap and washcloth before I’d even thought about it. Now that I wasn’t holding it up, the towel that’d been wrapped around my body fell away and revealed my skin, a gentle shade of pink from the warmth of the water. I scrubbed my body mercilessly, relishing the scrape and burn of each pass of the washcloth over my overly sensitized skin because  _ I  _ was the one creating the pain and the heat this time.  _ I  _ was controlling it. I was  _ choosing  _ it. 

_ Head to toe, shoulder to shoulder, back to front, head to toe, shoulder to shoulder, back to front, head to toe, shoulder to shoulder, back to front, head to toe, shoulder to shoulder, back to front… _

Cold hands reached out and gently clasped around my wrists. My eyes jerked to meet intense golden ones. Alice. 

“Stop,” she said simply. “You’ll break the skin if you continue like this.”

“Oh.”

How I’d managed to do that with a relatively soft cloth was beyond me, but I could see my skin was now red and irritated. She took the cloth from me with slow but firm movements. My eyes followed it until she dropped it onto the floor and out of sight. Sluggishly, my eyes crawled back up to meet hers. 

“I’ll wash your hair.”

I didn’t fight her. Everything inside me was telling me Alice was trustworthy; she wouldn’t betray me. I could leave the decisions up to her for the moment and I could be safe in the knowledge that she would make good ones. I relaxed into her hold as she dipped me backward and began working her fingers through my hair. 

Pulling the towel up and around me, I simply floated there in the water and enjoyed the feeling of being taken care of. It was not something I’d been privileged to since I came to this world, but something I’d been so dependent on in my own body. Amazing how you came to take for granted the things that you had, yearning for the opposite until the cycle repeated itself. Humans truly were fickle creatures. I wondered if the same could be true of vampires.

“There,” intoned Alice softly. “All finished. Would you like to rinse off?”

I nodded vigorously. Yes, yes I would like that. “Can I have the washcloth back?” 

I had been cleaning myself in the same water that was now infused with the filth of my evening. I didn’t want to be sticky with it anymore. 

But Alice shook her head with finality. “No, Bella. That’s not a good idea.”

Panic rose in my throat and I tried to swallow it down. “Please?”

Looking torn, she bit her lip and surveyed me. “How about this,” she began hesitantly. “I’ll wash you once more myself with soap that the washcloth. Would that be okay?”

If that was my only option I would take it. I was pretty sure I gave myself whiplash with my nod. I felt a headache forming. I wanted to sleep so badly, but without a doubt, I wanted to be clean more.

Alice was tender when she ran the washcloth on me, never pausing or focusing in on an area. Every time she needed to move somewhere new, she asked me again if it would be okay. Somehow having the constant option to say no made me feel better about being so naked in front of her. I was naked in more ways than one. 

The water from the tub was long gone and Alice had finished rinsing me with the showerhead that had been hidden between the tub and the slate black wall. She’d asked me if the water was too hot and I’d said no. It had been. But the burn of the water was better than the brand that the men had left behind, and I’d wanted the water to scald their invisible marks away. It hadn’t. 

With my tongue feeling like lead in my mouth and my throat feeling like sand, I was grateful that Alice hadn’t spoken much while she dried me off and helped me dress in sweatpants and a t-shirt that smelled suspiciously like a certain vampire I knew. If I’d pretended that I hadn’t noticed, I’d never own to it. 

Alice wouldn’t let me walk to the bed under my own power, but that was okay because my legs still seemed out of order anyways. The covers were already pulled back and waiting for me. So inviting. 

“Do you need anything?” she broke her silence as she began pulling the covers up around me. She paused when she saw my slight hesitance. “Just ask, Bella, I’ll get it for you.”

Logically, I knew the guilt inside me wasn’t right. The Cullens obviously  _ wanted  _ to help me. I had never requested it of them, it was something given freely. However, the thought of asking for more was hard. In the end, it was my anxiety’s need for familiarity and comfort that ultimately won out. 

“Do you...have more pillows?”

Eyebrows rising, she regarded me with an odd look on her face. “Of course. Why would you be nervous about asking for them?”

Because Esme had decorated this house in a certain way and in my frazzled state all my emotions were heightened and I felt like by asking for something that wasn’t already here I was insulting her ability to design a comfortable room for her guests. I didn’t say that out loud. 

“How many?” I hedged. 

For the first time tonight, a mischievous smile broke out across her face.  _ “Lots.” _

“Nine?”

She was already out the door. Staring at the open door with faint amusement, I shook my head slightly. She was so energetic. Most of the time it made me happy, but tonight it just made me more tired. 

_ Ohp,  _ I thought, a trifle sardonically.  _ Hey, look, more guilt.  _

A shadow from the doorway had my eyes tracking back to it. 

_ Edward.  _

I tried to sit up and muster a smile at the same time. Multitasking was not my strong suit, and I should have known that about myself, yet I was somehow surprised when I ended up collapsing back down  _ and  _ being unable to conjure any sort of pleasant expression. 

_ My attempt at duel wielding became a double-edged sword, _ I thought to myself, knowing I wasn’t really making sense now. 

“Don’t get up,” he told me quickly, immediately kneeling by my bedside. 

I turned on my side so I could see him better. “Hi.”

His tortured expression didn’t change at all. “I’m sorry, Bella,” he murmured, voice full of lament.

Irritation cracked through me like a whip. Apparently, it was energizing because before I knew it, my hand had snuck out from under the rumbled blankets and snatched him by his pretty boy nose while I scowled at him. 

“None of that,” I ordered, annoyed. “This wasn’t about you. You didn’t cause this and it wasn’t something you could have prevented from happening.”

After all, I wasn’t Bella, and while it seemed I was forced to experience her life’s most traumatizing moments, they were distinctly  _ mine  _ in the way that they didn’t match up with hers. So no. I don’t really think I’d expected anyone to show up and save me. Hoped, yes, but thought? No. 

His long pianist fingers captured my wrist and pried my fingers off his annoyingly perfect nose. “Do you really believe that?” he questioned, glaring at me with intensity. 

Yes, it was true Alice could see the future and yes, it was true Edward could read minds. But this world and I mixed like oil and water and I couldn’t even begin to navigate it myself, so how could I expect any of them to? 

“That’s right.”

He gritted his teeth. “Then you don’t know anything.”

“Tch. You know what, pretty boy?” I seethed. “At least I have the presence of mind not to find a way to blame myself for every situation that’s out of my control.”

Giving me an incredulous look, he ran one hand through his hair, touseling it. I curled my lip at the reddish-brown hair because it still managed to look artfully tousled. What, did vampirism come with perpetual good hair days? That was just too OP. He still looked miserable.

“Okay, I’m too tired for your martyr bullshit tonight. I’m going to sleep. You go write a sonnet or something to keep yourself occupied,” I waved him off with my free hand.

I could see him put a distinct effort into lightening the mood, but by the same took I could also see that it was a struggle for him to do so. Nonetheless, I was thankful for it even if I realized how selfish it was. I wondered why it felt okay to be selfish with Edward when I had such guilt over it with everyone else. Was it because I still disliked him due to the behavior he exhibited in the canon?

“Yes, your highness,” he baited me as he stood. His fingers were still entangled with mine.

“Now you have the right idea,” I replied back tipped my chin up so I was staring down my nose at him. 

Lips quirking, and eyes crinkling just slightly, he executed an overdramatic bow and performed a mock kiss on the backs of my fingers. I suspected his blood lust was still a very real concern and so shouldn’t have his teeth too close to me. I probably shouldn’t have grabbed his nose like that, come to think of it.

Thank goodness he stayed about eight inches away from my hand because my heart would  _ not  _ have been able to take it, and then while it was off prancing about, I would say something stupid that would haunt me forever like, “ _ Hey now, play fair, my heart’s been through enough trauma tonight no need to send it into orbit.”  _

Or I would have been sent into a panic attack because the thought of having anyone’s breath on my skin at the moment was so physically repulsive that I would have had to run into the bathroom and dry heave. But it was nice to imagine that my heart could go pitter-patter over someone pretty.

When he straightened, he mustered up a genuine, if small, smile. “Rest well, Bella. We’ll have our talk tomorrow.”

Then he turned and left. I could see his somber, tortured expression return in the reflection of the glass wall in the hallway before he was out of sight. I would have to address that later. Yes, later sounded good. Now was for sleeping. 

Alice appeared then with a mountain of pillows stacked in her arms. She was practically lost in them, looking like a tower of pillows with legs. Amused, I let her toss them down on top of me. 

“Thanks,” I called from deep beneath the mountain.

I heard a small, bell-like laugh that helped put me at ease a bit. Edward may be suffering, but Alice was doing alright and I would take a win where I could get it. She left me then, bidding a quick goodnight. Only after she had closed my door did I emerge from the depths of Mt. Pillows. 

After I’d created a layered barricade around me and snuggled into it, my heart felt a bit lighter, even if the brands still glowed hotly. Exhaustion overtook me soon after and I had never been so glad to escape into sleep as I was tonight and by the grace of the gods, I slipped into a deep and dreamless sleep. 

Perhaps I should have been thankful for my brain’s inability to comprehend much because if I’d been paying any real attention to Edward’s words, I would have honed into the last thing he said and ended up getting no sleep at all. 

_ We’ll have our talk tomorrow.  _

Yeah. I wouldn’t have been able to sleep a wink.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you haven't subscribed to this story yet, please consider doing so! It's my goal to have 1,000 subscribers on this story before it's finished. Right now, we're at 464. I think we can do it! What do you think? Also, if you've enjoyed the story so far, please leave kudos! I'm trying to keep my kudos above 5% of my hits so that my story gets more traffic and new readers. 
> 
> Thank you for reading! In the next chapter, Hallan and the Cullens will finally have the talk we've all been waiting for! Stay tuned!


	21. Theory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My brain has not been performing well lately, so I had my beta reader help me with this one. I really hope I'm not just imagining that it's comprehensible! I was feeling pretty discouraged for a while until I found a TREASURE. And that treasure is the note attached to Slyfoxgrin's bookmark. It MADE. MY. DAY. Oh my word, you are so funny. I LOST it reading your interpretation of the dialogue. Not going to lie, that's what the first draft of my chapters looks like sometimes. XD Thank you for the free endorphins! I had such a good time reading that, so thank you. It really helped me to push through and try to get this published! And thank you to all my other readers as well! I love hearing about how the characters, events, and relationships impact you guys. It is just so wonderful for me. But enough about how much fun I'm having. The story much to on!
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: Hallan has a panic attack at the beginning of this chapter. She's okay afterward, but it does happen. I'm going to add panic attacks and PTSD to the tags.

#  Chapter Twenty: Theory 

As sleep slowly receded from me like an outgoing tide, my eyes flickered open and stared at the wall across from me. Soft cool light was filtering in from the large glass windows behind the bed and illuminated the space. I was so cozy, nestled between two lines of pillows. There was a brief moment of solace; a sort of undefined peace before memories began filtering in. 

With a gasp, I snatched the pillow out from under my head and covered my face with it, hoping beyond hope that it would disguise my accelerated breathing. Warm, moist breath huffed against my neck, and phantom hands burned as they pressing into my skin. The pillows that had felt so safe and secure just moments before now felt constricting. Logically, I knew I wasn’t actually being boxed in, but that didn’t stop my body from breaking out in a cold sweat. 

Frozen, I laid there, vision blank and form shuddering so hard it made the bedframe shudder lightly. Somewhere far away, I heard the click of the door opening and closing. I tried to focus on it, but I still couldn’t move, trapped inside the memory that kept me bound to my panic. 

Cold air rushed over my heated skin as the blanket was ripped away in a torrent of speed I couldn’t track. The pillows were pushed off the bed, but I still clutched the one covering my head in my hands. I still felt too warm. 

“Bella,” her voice broke in through the static of fear. _Rosalie,_ I realized somewhere in the back of my mind. “You are safe, no one can hurt you, I won’t let anyone touch you.”

Swallowing, I released my grip on the pillow slightly and latched onto her words like they were a lifeline. But the pause grew too long and the anxiety began crowding me again. It clawed at me until whatever hazy understanding of the current moment was ripped away mercilessly. I could feel everything at once. Images, sensations, sounds, voices, warm breath ghosting against my ear, bitter alcohol on their foul breath, stop, stop, no! _My head is jerking back, my hair is in their hands, their hands are on my body, don’t-touch-me-don’t-touch-me-don’t-touch-me!_

It was like drinking from a fire hose until my damp hands which were lifted in an attempt to stave off my attackers were caught in two ice-cold ones. Suddenly I was dragged up and forwards until I was cradled into Rosalie’s lap like a small child. For the brief moment that I could see her face, she looked like she would be crying too if she could. But then her arms surrounded me and her cheek rested on top of my head. She rocked us back and forth, and I wasn’t sure who she was comforting more in that moment, me or herself. 

Words slipped from her lips then, and I turned so I could bury my face in her neck as her mouth spoke next to my ear like a serpent in the garden that I had invited in. She spoke softly, her words performing a beautiful dance as she weaved her web, spun her tale, and whispered to me exactly what she had done to the men that had hurt me. 

I was nauseated, relieved, horrified, jubilant, and so many other things I had no name for. I focused on them. On how they settled into my mind somewhere between the goodness and the rottenness and I carried with myself. My heart slowed and I listened deeply, both recoiling from them and relishing them like they were the last meal I’d ever eat. A forbidden fruit that I had savagely bitten into as I stared into God’s eyes with no regret. 

I searched for remorse then. Did I regret what happened to them? Regret the effects of what my choice was? If I hadn’t made that choice, would I have felt regret? Did I feel liberated, or was I still trapped in my fear and panic? I didn’t have all the answers, but I knew that there was no repentance to be found within me. I had made my bed, and now I had to lie in it; I just hadn’t expected to feel so conflicted over whether or not it was comfortable. But...it was okay that it wasn’t comfortable. I didn’t think it was supposed to be. 

“Can you still smell their blood?” I asked, staring at her white shirt. My imagination painted it with blood, making it appear splattered there like impressionistic flowers in bloom, spreading, spreading, spreading…

Like we were in a garden the two of us shared together, made of poetry, and justice, and vengeance, and blood. _A garden of thorns, a_ _garden of roses, w_ _here the water runs red, w_ _here the consequence we chose is._ The stanza came unbidden to my mind; my brains attempt to twist something horrific into something beautiful. Part of me wished I had my phone to write the words down, but another part of me knew I would never forget them.

“No,” she replied, bringing my back to the present.

“I can still feel their hands.”

Releasing the confession from the clutches of my insecurities felt like road burn. Raw and vulnerable, I avoided meeting her gaze. 

“I do too, sometimes.”

I muttered, “That’s not encouraging,” before leaning further against her. 

I felt her shrug against me. “I’m not going to lie to you. It’s rarer, now, but after it happened, I felt like it had been chiseled into every part of me. It was all I could think about.”

“I hadn’t even been thinking about them,” I whispered after a moment. “One moment I was just laying there and the next, I was in that ally again.”

“It’s not something that just goes away. Even if you feel like you got justice, it doesn’t leave you.”

I took a shuddering breath. “I want it to. But another part of me wants to burn in the heat they left behind, let it consume me until I’ve been forged in that fire…”

I felt her chuckle silently against me, and the tension in the air broke. I couldn’t help but smile in return and look up to meet her golden gaze. 

“What?”

“Nothing. It’s just that you told Edward to shove off and go write a sonnet last night, but here you are, nearly speaking in iambic pentameter.”

_Ha, what would she say if she knew of the parable I’ve been thinking of the two of us within that prose._ Hell, my brain had even conjured a creepy children’s song to go with it. It felt good to laugh at myself a little.

“I can’t help it,” I grinned now, feeling more myself and unrepentant. Then I whispered quietly. “It’s because I’m an INFJ. Tell no one.”

Her face was priceless. “There’s no way,” she denied. 

I smirked. “Swear to god.”

She shook her head. “You two are going to be insufferable.”

“Who?”

“Never mind that,” she flicked a hand dismissively. “Now. Let’s get you cleaned up. Everyone wants to talk to you.”

Sighing, I leaned away from her comfortingly cold form and stood. “I figured. Well, best to get it over with. I’m tired of keeping secrets from you guys anyways. I’m sure you understand how difficult _that_ is.”

She squinted at me and crossed her arms. “Don’t think I’m not suspicious too,” she warned. 

“Of course not, you’d never disappoint me like that,” I replied, amused. I could always trust Rosalie to be salty; she was dependable like that. My good mood was returning. I wasn’t naive enough to think I wouldn’t ever have a panic attack again, but I’d dealt with an anxiety disorder for the better part of my life, so I’d learned to take the good times where I could get them. 

“Just so we’re clear,” she huffed. 

“Yes, yes, you’re a bad bitch, trust me, I know.”

Her lips quirked and she uncrossed her arms in favor of standing up. “Then we’ll get along just fine, I think.”

I certainly hoped so. I liked her vibe. “Well, since there’s no point in avoiding the impending conversation, I won’t try; however, I refuse to have it before I’ve freshened up.”

“Alice told me to tell you ‘no shower’.”

I could see her eyeing my skin, which was still a bit red, splotchy, and angry from the night before. “Damn. You’d think _she_ was the mind reader.” The thought to shower hadn’t even entered my mind until just then. 

“Annoying, isn’t it?” Rosalie asked knowingly.

“Or incredibly convenient, depending on how you look at it. I was certainly grateful for it last night.”

Her eyebrows rose at that. “Interesting.” Before I could question what she meant by that, she continued on. “There are supplies in the vanity drawers. Feel free to use them. I think Esme wants to make you breakfast. Is there anything you can’t eat?”

Cringing, I nodded. “Quite a few things, actually. In fact, it would be easier if I just told you what I _could_ eat. If she wouldn’t mind making me a piece of plain toast and a cup of decaffeinated tea, that would be _divine._ ”

As much as I knew it was all my stomach would be able to handle, it wasn’t my only reason for choosing it. My hope was that it wouldn’t stink up their house with gross human-food smell. Hell, I didn’t like the smell of most food either, so best to have some compassion. The last thing I wanted was for them to be irritable while we had this conversation. Belatedly, I wish I’d had my notebook for reference. I tended to overperform when put under pressure, hence my behavior since waking up in this world, so it would have been nice to have a bit of a script or outline to work from. Unfortunately, it was buried deep inside the head of Bella’s mattress. I had no idea how to even begin telling them what they wanted to know. 

_I should make them ask me questions first or something,_ I decided. _That way I don’t have to rely on my bravado to carry me since my people skills are nonexistent and I am utter inept when it comes to social creativity._

“Is that really all you’re going to eat?” Rosalie’s voice brought me out of my ponderings. 

“Huh?” Oh. Yeah. “I can never eat much in the mornings,” I assured her. “And after last night, I just don’t have that large of an appetite.”

She didn’t question me any further after that. “I’ll go let Esme know. Take your time,” she asserted as she stood and began walking toward the door. “I may not be able to keep them from digging into your business, but I can keep them at bay long enough for you to prepare yourself.”

“It doesn’t bother me. I didn’t want to initiate this conversation, anyways. And, uh, thanks for coming to help me,” I ducked my head and stared at the floor, a bit ashamed. 

“Don’t worry about it.”

And then the door was clicking shut. It was interesting that she was asserting some distance between us now that the conversation was near. I appreciated her help this morning and last night, but I also understood that under no uncertain circumstances would she chose to protect me over her family. That made perfect sense to me. And because I didn’t expect anything different from her, it didn’t hurt like it might have overwise. 

I slowly made my way to the bathroom, frowning at how my joints protested. I was sore all over in ways that didn’t make sense. I had thought my memories of the previous night were crystal clear—etched into my consciousness in a way only trauma could be—but the strange aches, throbs, and pains in unexplainable places made me think otherwise. I shivered at the implication. 

Determinedly, I made it into the bathroom with heavy steps. Holding onto the wall made the track there quite a bit easier. Once I was through the short hallway where I assumed a closet and linen closet lived, I was in the bathroom. 

Somehow, it was even more beautiful in the daylight. I’d missed several things in my frazzled state last night. The bathtub and vertical terrarium were the main focal features of the room, but there was a small, subtle? alcove off to the left that was hidden with a clever use of material and shadow. It let into a small antechamber where there was a toilet, bidet, and a floating vanity.

The urge to relieve my bladder was there, but it thankfully wasn’t as strong as it was most mornings due to my purposeful lack of water intake the night before. There was no way in hell I was about to use the restroom in a house full of people with supersenses. Hearing it was already bad enough, but smelling it? Literally just throw me into traffic instead. It would be a more merciful death than the slow death of mortification. 

Making a mental note to drink my tea very, _very_ slowly, I made my way over to the vanity, my feet making softly disturbing fleshy sounds against the floor. I wanted socks right now. I knew the floor was probably the cleanest a bathroom floor could be, considering none of the occupants in the house actually had need to _use_ the bathroom, but I had weird texture issues and I didn’t like the fleshy sound of feet against flooring or the way they stuck to the cool surface with every step. 

I shook the thoughts out of my head and tried to tone down my odd tendencies. _Don’t be a bother,_ I scolded myself.

Just as Rosalie had promised, there were supplies in the vanity, waiting just for me as I opened the drawer. I hadn’t brushed my teeth last night, as as much as that bothered me, I decided I could satisfy my compulsive need to be clean by doing it twice this morning. Last night could be excused. 

My left shoulder ached as I went through my morning routine as best as I could without my own personal supplies. I carefully pulled the comb through my hair, doing my best to collect the lost ones and throwing them away as I went, but I knew I missed a few, and I just couldn’t bring myself to touch the floor. After last night, I needed to be clean more than ever. 

After brushing my teeth and flossing, I washed my face and used the expensive moisturizer. All in all, I spent about twenty minutes in the bathroom. By the time I was finished, I felt even more myself. With a clean face, new bandaid on my forehead, hair pulled up into a messy bun on top of my head, and mouth feeling fresh and minty, I was all set. The only thing left was to sinch the waist of the sweatpants to the smallest part of my waits and tuck the front of the t-shirt into it. 

“Well, you’ll do,” I told my reflection, not entirely satisfied. I would have much rather been wearing a sharp fit with make-up and hair to match the conversation, but this would just have to do. The sleek, severe ponytail look did nothing for Bella’s features and only served to accentuate the softness she had yet to grow out of, so though it would have been more appropriate, it wasn’t right for her features. 

I was much steadier leaving the bathroom than I had been going in, but I stayed close to the right side of the wall in case I needed to be steadied. Heading towards the door, I hadn’t even made it to the bed before I heard a knock. 

“Come in,” I called, still moving forward. 

Edward opened the door but stayed just beyond the threshold like he was barred from entering without being invited. Ironic, considering popular vampire myths. In any case, I appreciated it. 

“Good morning, Bella,” he greeted me in an odd tone. Something between intense and wary. 

I ignored it. “Good morning.” 

He scrutinized me for a few moments silently. 

“What? What is it? Why are you looking at me like that?” I asked, impatiently. It occurred to me that I sounded a bit like Edna Mode, but I couldn’t be made to care. 

Seeming to understand my discomfort, he rearranged his features into something more natural. “It’s nothing. Here, you forget this in the car last night.”

At those words, I could feel my face light up. “Ah! Thank you. I would have been really upset if I’d lost this. The gods know I went through enough trouble to get it,” I grumbled.

My fingers brushed his cold hands as I took hold of the handle. He frowned. “Your hands are cold,” he commented, looking down at them.

Snorting, I raised a brow. ‘This, coming from you?”

“ _Your_ hands should be warm; you have no excuse.”

“They were just in cold water,” I explained. I wasn’t an idiot, of course I washed my hands in warm water. It was just that I also had to wash them in cold water afterward to truly feel clean. 

His head tilted slightly, as though he were listening to someone. I figured that one of his family was probably speaking to him from somewhere in the house. Strange that they didn’t have to yell to hear one another. As a result, as the only human in the house, the space seemed eerily quiet to me considering the number of people currently in it. 

“Esme has your tea and toast waiting for you. May I accompany you?”

“Sure?” I smiled at him, bemused. I set my bag of art supplies on the bed.

I was fairly certain I wouldn’t lose my way from the bedroom to the living room which was just down the short hallway, but if it made him feel better to accompany me all fifteen feet there, I would let him. 

Stepping out of the threshold, he beckoned me into the hallway with a sweep of his arm. How oddly formal. I supposed I couldn’t complain since he wasn’t asking my to tuck my hand into the crook of his elbow. I wasn’t sure I was wanted to have any physical contact with anyone at the moment. Particularly those of the male variety. I found that at times like these, it was best to listen to what your soul needed in order to heal. If that was space, then I would make sure I got it. I didn’t want last night to have power over me. If I wanted to break free of it, then I needed to first recover, and then face my reservations. 

_Be kind to yourself,_ my dad’s voice reminded me. My throat clogged slightly, and I paused to look out the floor-to-ceiling windows in an effort to stave off the tears that wanted to rise. The view was breathtaking and reminded me of drives through the deeply wooded hills to the cold, wet beaches of Oregon. It made me miss my dad even more. 

I smiled. “I love evergreens,” I murmured, staring out at them. It felt like looking out the car window. I could almost hear my dad’s playlist in the background. 

Edward glanced at them. “Why is that?”

The answer was simple. “Fond memories of home.”

It was then that something sweet reached my nose. Fruity and light. That was my tea for sure. Shaking the last vestiges of melancholy off, I followed the sweet scent out of the hallway and into the living room. I ignored the heaviness in my limbs as I hurried forward, nearly tripping and falling as I reached it. In the end, I was kneeling on the floor in front of the coffee table where my prize sat. 

Sitting back on my heels I inhaled the scent wafting from the handcrafted sage green mug. I heard Edward come up behind me, but paid him no mind as he sat on the sofa kitty-corner to where I was kneeling. 

“You seem to enjoy tea,” he observed. 

“Astute of you,” I quipped in return, picking it up reverently and bringing it to my lips. The soft flavor danced around on my tastebuds and left a slightly tart aftertaste. 

“Mm, tastes like a Teavana blend I splurged on once,” I commented. “I approve.”

“Esme will be glad to hear that.”

Setting the cup back down, I released the warm mug and turned to look at him. For the first time that morning, I really made an effort to make out his expression. He was doing a good job of remaining neutral, but I could see how upset he was beneath the mask. 

“You’re doing it again,” I sighed. 

His golden eyes widened. “Doing what?” he asked, really seeming to be ignorant. 

“Blaming yourself. Don’t think I can’t see it. I may be stupid, but I’m not blind,” I stated flatly. He scowled, but I raised a hand to stop him from denying my last statement. “Don’t contest semantics, this isn’t about my self-image. This is about your martyr complex.”

“Excuse me, my _what?_ ” he demanded, in a mixture of surprise, offense, and bewilderment.

“You’re thinking ‘I could have stopped this from happening’, ‘if only I had done this’, ‘if only I had said that’.”

“And you’re so sure you know me?”

“Stop trying to redirect the conversation. I need to make a point here. If you don’t want to talk about it, fine, but I need to say something.”

Crossing his arms, he leaned back and waited for me to start talking. 

“First of all, thank you for caring. I’m dealing with a lot of different things from every angle right now, and I honestly didn’t think anyone would care yet.” After all, _‘Bella’_ hadn’t even technically come into the picture yet. I really hadn’t thought they’d come to care about me at all. “So it means a lot to me that you’ve gone out of your way to help me,” I told him sincerely. _Compliment sandwich, compliment sandwich,_ I reminded myself. “Now second of all, let me state that if I had a two-by-four right now I would smack you upside the head with it!”

Edward reared back slightly, looking confused at my change in topic and tone. I heard a loud laugh from somewhere else in the house. Emmett, if I had to guess, but I couldn’t be bothered to take much notice of it. 

“You have a terrible habit of taking on other people’s baggage like it’s yours. It’s not, so stop treating it like it is. It’s one thing to care about someone, but there’s a huge difference between _caring_ about someone and blaming yourself for everything that goes wrong in their lives!” I glared at him. “And you need to understand that there’s a difference if you’re ever going to be able to forge any sort non-toxic relationship of any kind with anyone.”

He remained silently defensive, and I sighed.

“Look, I’m not saying this in the right way. I don’t mean to insult you or make you feel defensive. I’m not perfect either, and I don’t mean to make it sound like I know everything because I don’t. This is just my perception. So let me tell you what _I_ feel when you take on the blame for something traumatic that happened to _me_ .” I took a deep breath before I started again, speaking slowly, and annunciating with care. “When you start acting like a martyr and like everything is your fault, you make the situation—what happened—about _you_.”

He looked troubled and opened his mouth as if to speak, but I cut him off because I didn’t think I’d be able to keep my train of thought if he derailed me. 

“I don’t think you mean to do that, but that’s what happens. At that point, it’s no longer about _me_ and what _I_ went through, but instead about how _you_ couldn’t stop it. That’s not healthy for either of us because it doesn’t allow me to process what happened independently of your complex, and it doesn’t allow you to have any sort of interpersonal relationship with me without taking on all my baggage. I can take care of my baggage myself, I’m a big girl. If I need help, then I’ll ask for it. Otherwise, just be someone I can talk to and take comfort in your company if I want to. I know you’re a good listener and I know you care a lot, but I also know that the flip side of that is that you care so much that it destroys you, and honestly I don’t want to be yet another reason why you perpetually hate yourself.”

He stared at me for a long time, mulling it over and looking troubled. “That wasn’t my intention at all,” he confessed, running a hand through his tousled hair. 

Reaching out, I placed one of my hands down onto his knee. “I know that. That’s why I’m only irritated and not angry.”

He let out half a laugh on a sigh. “Heh, hence the two-by-four?” he smiled ruefully. 

I patted him. “Hence the two-by-four,” I agreed. 

“I feel like I owe you an apology.”

I nodded, “You do,” I agreed again, returning his smile. “So as an apology, you can promise to stop trying to take other people’s burdens onto yourself. I don’t think you realize how much potential you have. Imagine the person you could be and the lives you could change if you didn’t have so much unnecessary weight weighing you down. You aren’t some sort of trauma pack mule.”

“I have potential?” Edward sounded surprised. 

I barked out a laugh. “You may think I’m a heathen, but if there’s anything I believe in, it’s potential. And Edward,” I threw up my hands helplessly. “You have such an incredible ability to _care_ , Edward. So much more deeply than others. That kind of potential rare. Really, _really_ rare. I admire that, and you should too.”

His smile turned a bit bashful and he looked down at his hands, seeming pleased. Then met my gaze once more. “I’ll take some time to think about what you said.”

Our conversation halted then, because othered were now streaming into the room. I glanced over at them. They were staring me. All of them. 

_Right,_ I thought, exasperated with myself. _I got caught up and forgot they could hear us. Actually, scratch that, maybe I just didn’t care? I was loud enough that a human probably could have heard what I said through most of it._

Esme smiled serenely, looking pleased and excited. Crossing the large room, she came over to me. To my surprise, she bent down and hugged me. It brought me to my feet. “Thank you, dear,” she murmured quietly.

“You’re welcome?”

Happy as can be, she pulled back and fussed at me until I took a seat in the beautiful armchair that had been behind where I’d knelt, too intent on my tea to notice. The velvet was soft under my fingers, and I enjoyed the texture. Esme sat down beside Edward and wrapped an arm around his shoulder. It was apparent to me that they were having some sort of conversation, but it wasn’t any of my business, so I looked away to give them a moment of privacy. 

My gaze caught on Emmett’s delighted one. “That was awesome,” he enthused. 

Unamused, I raised a sardonic brow at him. “It wasn’t a performance.”

He grinned and came to sit opposite Edward on the other couch. “Doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy it!”

Rose huffed and joined him. “I’ve been screaming that at him for years, yet you get him to listen in less than ten minutes?” she accused. 

“Well, I didn’t scream at him. Maybe that helped,” I suggested pointedly. 

She scowled. “You yelled at him.”

“I didn’t yell at him,” I corrected. “I gave an emotive and intense monologue.”

Alice sat down beside Rosalie and bumped her sister’s shoulder with hers. “You can’t expect the same results, Rose, Bella’s _different._ ”

I didn’t even want to know what she meant by that. 

Jasper offered me a knowing smile before he sat down in the armchair mirroring mine. “‘Mornin’, Bella.” He tipped his non-existent hat at me before reaching over to hold his wife’s hand.

“Good morning,” I returned, reaching down to grab my toast. I took a bite of the corner and then set it down again, contend to wash it down with the lovely tea. 

“How are you feeling today, Bella?” Carlisle questioned as he sat down next to his wife. 

Her name was beginning to grate on me. _All in good time,_ I reminded myself. 

After today I would get to hear my own name on occasion, hopefully. Taking a sip of my tea to give me a moment to figure out how to answer, I stared down at the pin liquid before I met his gaze again. “I slept really well,” I decided on. It was the only thing I could think of that wouldn’t be a lie. 

He nodded in understanding. “Any nausea, headaches, or vision disturbances?”

_Yes._ “Nothing outside of the norm,” I replied truthfully. I quickly directed my attention to Esme before he could ask anything else. “Esme, thank you for the tea and toast.”

The woman in question smiled at me, though not as widely as before. I got the sense that she was a bit dissatisfied. “You’re welcome. Are you sure that will be enough?” worried Esme. 

“If I’m still hungry, I’ll let you know,” I promised, raising the mug to take another sip. 

Then Emmett opened his mouth. “So, did you know you were going to be attacked last night?”

The tea went down the wrong hole. I choked, putting a hand to my mouth and cringing. I recovered as best I could. “Damn, I should have brought a two-by-four! What the hell, Emmett?” I glared at him. 

Alice climbed over Rosalie to smack him upside the head before I could ask her to. The sound was loud. Rosalie repeated the gesture soundly. 

“Ow! What did I say?” he demanded, seeming clueless. 

I pinched the bridge of my nose. Tact was not his strong suit. _He means no harm,_ I reminded myself. _He just doesn’t have a filter._

“Why would you start out with that?” hissed the pixie. 

His wife wasn’t about to let him off the hook either. “No, the real question is, why would you even ask her something like that in the first place?” she railed at him. 

I took another sip to soothe the burn in my throat and coughed softly in an effort to get more liquid out of my windpipe. Irritation gnawed at me. Not anger. Anger wasn’t something I felt very often. Annoyance, however? _A constant companion._ I could feel myself getting defensive and upset which was _not_ how I wanted to feel going into this conversation. 

Jasper seemed to safest Cullen to look at right then. “Yeah, so, I’m not going to be able to get through this conversation without a bit of help,” I pressed my lips together and inhaled through my nose. “I’m not really feeling my best today. Would you mind giving me a good dose of whatever you usually feel from me?”

Smirking slightly, he nodded. “I’d tell you not to let his lack of tact get to you, but somehow I don’t think that’d help.”

“Not even a little.”

He nodded in understanding, and then I felt him working his magic. I was pretty full of interesting emotions by the time he was done, so I felt like I didn’t have much room to feel the things I didn’t want to. What a wonderful thing.

“Huh,” I murmured to myself, assessing them. Then my gaze focused on him again. “ _This_ is what you usually get from me? Wow,” I laughed at myself. “I miss my therapist.” It felt good to laugh and mean it. Less held back by pain and panic that I’d known was there but had a hard time identifying outside of actual panic attacks. “This is a lot.”

“This is what I can make out on a regular basis.”

Tilting my head from side to side to stretch my neck, I felt the soft pops at the top of my spine. It helped relieve some of the tension in my body. “Well, I should be okay with this. Probably. But if you could take away the deeply embedded sense of shame, that would be fabulous.”

One blond eyebrow arched. “I’m not sending any of that toward you.”

I tsked. “Worth a shot. Fine,” I blew out a breath, looking around at the rest of the Cullens. They were all regarding me with some combination of anticipation and suspicion on their faces. “Let’s get on with it, then. Although I’m telling you right now that I’m not going to initiate this because honestly, I don’t even know where to start.” 

Especially without sounding insane, but I had been very careful not to use any language that might plant a seed in their minds that I could be delusional, insane, or lying, so I didn’t say that part out loud.

I took another bite of toast.

“Then how about _we_ start?” suggested Edward. 

I turned to look at him pensively. I highly doubted he would say anything I didn’t already know. 

“You see, we have a theory, Bella,” interjected Alice, sounding excited now. She bounced a little in her seat. 

“Yeah!” enthused Rosalie’s tactless husband. “We—”

Alice climbed over Rosalie again to slap a hand over his mouth. “ _You’re_ not allowed to talk anymore,” she hissed. 

Carlisle sighed and held out his palms. “Children, please.” 

He was giving off big tired-dad energy. I couldn’t help but chuckle into my cup. Their coven dynamics were interesting; they obviously weren’t the norm. It made me curious as to what ‘the norm’ was... 

“Alice, it’s fine. Don’t feel like you have to tailor yourselves to make me comfortable,” I said to the room at large. Then I focused on Emmett. “But a bit of tact would be appreciated.”

He ducked his head sheepishly. “Sorry, Bella.”

I nodded in acknowledgment. 

“Anyways,” began Jasper, sending a pointed look at his wife and Emmett. “What Edward was _about_ to say is that we have a theory.”

“How intriguing.” And convenient. That would make things much easier for me. I didn’t fail to see the irony in this situation, though, in the canon it had been Bella coming up with theories about the Cullens and not the other way around. I was honored to be on the flip side of it. And more than a little gleeful. I did so love to hear about other people’s perceptions of me. Until I didn’t. And then I’d go home and cry. But I had a feeling this was going to be good. “I’d love to hear it. Whose theory is it?”

“Alice, Jasper, and I took the reigns with it,” Edward informed me, staring at me intently. 

I met his gaze without hesitation. I was beginning to understand that the long stretches of silence and intense staring were just part of the package of being around Edward. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy the attention. It made me feel mysterious or something, and I was fairly certain I’d never been remotely mysterious in my entire life. 

“Well then, let’s start off by establishing what we based our theory from,” he suggested. 

Yes, that would be helpful to me. It was important that I understood what they knew. 

He continued. “Firstly, you are Bella Swan. At this time, you are seventeen years old and you live with your father, Charlie Swan.”

“Who you aren’t that close to,” Alice piped up. 

Edward nodded. 

I was a bit disappointed. It would be harder to convince them of something if they didn’t believe they’d come to the conclusion themselves, and I was already coming to the table with one of the most improbable stories I could possibly have.

“Secondly,” Jasper cut in, “you don’t behave like the humans around you.”

I squinted at him. “Excuse you, I’ll have you know I’m becoming excellent at regular social interaction. I don’t even have to create schedules or hypothetical scripts for them anymore.” Most of the time. I may be an INFJ, but I was also a Virgo with an anxiety disorder. “I hardly ever initiate debates with the teachers in class anymore _or_ make people uncomfortable accidentally.” Now I only did it on purpose. 

Offering me a small grin, he replied, “That’s not what I meant, but you are a bit of an oddball socially as well, now that you bring it up. You don’t mix well in groups. I was actually talking more about your habits and your response to us.”

Well, I already knew that I didn’t have much of a fear-based reaction towards them. That was probably what they were talking about. I frowned. “What habits are you talking about?”

Jasper spoke up next. “How about we start with your eating habits or lack thereof,” he nodded at the piece of plain toast I had yet to do anything but nibble on.

_How about we don’t?_

He continued as though he hadn’t felt my reluctance. “From what we’ve observed, you hardly eat anything. The most we’ve ever seen you consume has been tea, and now two bites of toast,” he gestured. “Most humans need more than that to survive.”

I grumbled incoherently. My mother had said the same thing. 

“And let’s not forget that your skin is never very warm,” chirped Alice, swinging her legs back and forth. 

I had poor circulation; so sue me. 

“Let’s move on to the third article,” Edward cleared his throat, drawing my attention back to him. “You’ve made a few slips in our conversations, Bella,” he told me, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees and steeple his long fingers. 

“I don’t doubt it.” 

His eyes stared directly into mine as he spoke. “From the first time we came into contact with you, it was apparent that you knew more about us than you should.”

I didn’t break eye contact with him. There was no denying it. I reached for my cup.

“The day I dislocated your shoulder—” of _course_ he remembered it like that “—you have a panic attack when the EMTs began working on you. It... _overwhelmed_ Jasper, so he sent a wave of calm to you. No one should know about his Gift, but you obviously do because you thanked him for it. You’ve implied enough to let on you know about Alice’s and mine as well.”

Yeah, that had been a mistake. Sometimes what felt like a good idea at the time caused massive amounts of sleep deprivation because I couldn’t stop agonizing over what I should have or should not have said. 

“Fast forward two weeks,” he stood and began to pace. I noticed the Cullens were not watching him, but rather, watching me. I didn’t like the scrutiny. Thankfully, they seemed to notice, and so redirected their attention to Edward. “We were studying in the library. I got to see a few examples of your writing. It _might_ be possible that a seventeen-year-old could have written what you did, but based on your school record from Phoenix, it’s not likely.” 

I sighed and took another sip of my tea. They definitely hacked into Bella’s old school to get information. 

Edward paused in his pacing to stare at me like he was trying to drill holes into my head. He should know by now that it wouldn’t work. No matter how hard he tried, he wouldn’t be able to read Bella’s mind. 

“Do you remember when I asked you about your favorite music the day before?” he asked. 

“You mean on the drive back to Charlie’s?” I wondered at the significance of bringing that up right now. 

He stopped again. “Yes. And that’s another point. You call him ‘Charlie’. That only further proves the statement I’m about to make. I was unsatisfied with the chaotic non-answers you gave me that day, so the next day at lunch I was determined to learn something of value.”

I did remember him being particularly eager to spending time with me, much to my dismay. “And did you?”

“I did. But only because you made two massive mistakes.”

I took a sip of my tea and tried to think back to what I’d said. Nothing was raising any red flags for me. I looked around at the faces of the other Cullens to see if I could find a clue. Emmett looked like he wanted to join in, but kept casting wary glances at his wife and Alice sitting on the other side of her. Esme looked unbothered, seeming interested, but not as much as Carlisle. Carlisle was watching Edward with questions in his gaze. His eyes occasionally flicked to mine, but I avoided meeting his eyes as much as possible. The silence stretched and soon I felt all their attention return to me. 

“Don’t even look at me,” I grumbled. “I have no idea what alleged ‘mistakes’ he’s talking about.” _I_ didn’t have perfect recall. My memory was already unreliable by human standards, so they could _forget_ about vampire ones.

Snorting, Edward shook his head. “ _Alleged,”_ he repeated derisively. 

“Jasper, Rosalie, and I heard the conversation too.” Alice cut in, speaking for the first time in several minutes. “You _did_ slip up, Bella.”

Enough to be so noticeable? I looked at Rosalie. She lifted her shoulders in what managed to be an elegant shrug.

“Well,” I prompted, losing a bit of my patience. Someone needed to hurry up and tell me.“Don’t keep me in suspense. Tell me the rest.”

Jasper was the one to finally speak. “You told him about your favorite movies to watch with your parents. Only, your parents have been divorced since you were a baby.”

“That’s right, I double-checked,” Alice nodded, biting her lip and looking at me. 

_Just another average, ordinary day of being stalked by vampires,_ I thought. Maybe I should have been upset, but there was nothing to hide in Bella’s history so I really wasn’t worried about it. It wasn’t like they could access my medical record or anything because they weren’t even in this world. 

“So? Renee got remarried,” I took a sip of my tea. 

Edward gestured at me. “But you specify when you talk about Charlie and Renee versus your parents,” he stressed. 

That was true. It was something I did unconsciously because I wanted to differentiate them. They weren’t the same. Charlie and Renee didn’t belong to me. They weren’t in the sphere of me and mine. They belonged to Bella. 

“You said I made two mistakes,” I quickly deflected because I wasn’t prepared to start spilling my insides out of that particular wound. I needed the right moment to begin, the right intro...

Edward smiled, his grin looking like the cat that ate the canary. “You told me about the different versions of Pride and Prejudice you and your parents like to watch with each other. Your favorite is the Colin Firth version, but you don’t mind the 1980 one because it amuses you that Mr. Collins looks like a frog in it.”

Esme’s eyes widened and she tried to stifle a small laugh. “Oh my, you’re right, he does!” she said, face lighting up with mirth. Carlisle smiled softly at her. I’d nearly forgotten they were there, so intent on what Edward was saying. He seemed to be the primary spokesman for this conversation. Since he didn’t yet have a unique relationship with ‘Bella’, I wasn’t sure why that was. Perhaps something to do with coven dynamics?

Edward continued, and I set aside my train of thought for later. “The only version you mentioned having anything negative to say about was the Keira Knightly version because the colors were ‘too dark’ for you to see clearly.”

“I fail to see how that’s relevant,” I responded, frustrated that I wasn’t tracking well. I really needed my brain to kick in if I was going to have this conversation. 

When he spoke, he did so slowly. “Bella, the Keira Knightly version doesn’t come out until November 11th this year.”

I felt the blood drain from my face. And it wasn’t even March. Shit.

My heart pounded against my chest and it took a moment for me to calm myself down. I could feel Jasper’s influence and I was grateful for it. He had all the permission because I was about to have a meltdown. No matter that I was going to come clean to them about all this today anyways; this set up, this _family meeting_ sort of vibe I was getting here was trampling all over my triggers that I’d carried with me from childhood. Feeling called out for something on top of all that felt like the nail in my coffin. Like I’d been found out for something and I was about to be punished for it. But Jasper’s Gift was working and I focused on differentiating. This was not that. This was _not_ that. 

“So what’s your theory?” I finally asked, voice sounding a bit choked, much to my embarrassment. 

Rosalie stood up quickly to come around and stand beside me. She hissed at Edward warningly. I let her take the tea from my slightly trembling hands and set it on the coffee table. Her protective presence was strangely soothing.

Esme looked concerned. Jasper and Alice looked determined, though the latter seemed a bit more nervous than I could account for. Carlisle was staring at me deeply, taking in all my reactions with practiced eyes. And Emmett...well, he was looking terribly excited for whatever Edward was going to say next. 

Looking contrite for upsetting me, Edward continued. “Bella Swan, our theory is that you are a part of our family from the future and that, like us, you are not human.”

All the vampires stilled all at once and it felt like the air had been sucked right out of the room. Silence reigned supreme for nearly a full minute while I comprehended what he had just said. My hands suddenly became very interesting to look at, even as I remained as still as a human could be. 

_Oh, how I will disappoint them,_ I thought, a small hysterical titter welling up inside me and then bubbling over in a sad sort of way. 

“So close, yet so far,” I murmured, staring down at my cup of tea. 

Alice frowned then, seeming to reanimate. “What did we get wrong?”

Another tiny laugh tumbled out of me, sounding tired and a bit dejected. “Well,” I began with a self-deprecating smirk. I reached for my cup and downed my tea like it was alcohol. I put it back on its coaster with a bit more force than I’d meant to. “How about we start with this,” I looked up to meet Edward’s gaze. “My name is not Isabella Marie Swan.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pls don't kill me for stopping there...


	22. The Tea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter kicked my ass. I beg forgiveness for how long this took me. Two weeks was WAY longer than I thought it would take. While writing this chapter, I wrote almost 40,000 words worth of drafts and edits OF those drafts. NOTHING was turning out like I wanted it to. To give you an idea, what I am publishing right now is the 4th edit 7th complete rewrite. EACH REWRITE HAD IT'S OWN RESPECTIVE EDITS *SOBS* I think I can't fiddle with it anymore, even if the perfectionist in my is having an anxiety attack just THINKING about posting it. It is just as good as it's going to get and I need to be able to move on with the story. Anyways. I'm so so sorry that this is coming out so late, but in any case, I hope you enjoy it!
> 
> NOTE: There are a few times in this chapter where Hallan flips around her words but doesn't realize it. They're not typos, it has to do with where she is cognitively right now. The Cullens don't mention it out of politeness. I hope this will stop any confusion.

#  Chapter Twenty-One: The Tea 

At first, the only sound in the tastefully furnished living room was the rain gently falling against the window. Silence weighed the room down like an anchor, making the air thick with tension. Even though I expected it, I was still startled when everyone seemed to start talking all at once, their words toppling over each others’ in an effort to be heard.

“What the hell?” Emmett muttered, obviously confused if the way he was staring at her was anything to go by. 

“That’s impossible,” denied Alice. “Charlie wouldn’t confuse someone else for his daughter!”

Jasper only sat back in his sage suede armchair and crossed his arms, tilting his head to the side speculatively. 

“I’m afraid we’ll need more information,” began Carlisle, ever the diplomat. 

Even Esme had something to say. “I don’t understand.”

Rosalie glared at me, but it was a weak glare so I paid it little mind. It spoke more of her concern and caution than of any hostility. 

“How would that be possible?” Edward’s asked, and my mind honed in on his distinctive voice, bringing it to the forefront in an attempt to organize the voluminous chaos. “Alice?” he turned towards her with dark furrowed brows and a slight scowl.

“I have no idea!” she told him, shaking her head and looking troubled. “You know I’m at as much at a loss here as you are.”

“Maybe we’re missing something here,” suggested Jasper. “Something tells me there’s something else at play.”

Still appearing disconcerted, Edward ran a hand through his hair and began pacing. At the rate he’d been going at it today, I worried he’d pace a hole through the luxurious white pelt the served as a rug. “Did we miss anything?”

Allowing their words to pass me by like a strong breeze, I took that moment to catch my breath. I could do this. I really could. Objectively, I’d been through worse. If I could just pull myself together and get my brain to work in an orderly fashion—preferably chronologically—that would be great.

When I focused back onto the room at large, I could see the trio was still engrossed in tossing suggestions and ideas back and forth while Carlisle and Esme attempted to get their attention. The coven leader and his wife kept sending worried glances my way. Emmett seemed content to watch his siblings argue, his eyes bounding between them like he was watching some sort of three-way ping pong match. 

It was only when Rosalie stood abruptly that the room fell quiet once more. She gave them all a quelling look as she marched over to where I was sitting and perched on the back of my chair, her soft cream-colored cardigan brushed against my arm as she did so. “If you all are quite done, we might actually hear what she has to say,” she remarked pointedly, glaring daggers at Edward in particular.

I was immediately the beholder of several sheepish and apologetic glances. 

“Forgive us, dear,” Esme smiled, as though she had been the one at fault in any sort of way. “I think we got a bit too excited.”

“It’s fine,” I replied, surprising myself with how steady my voice was even when I felt anxiety snaking up and around my body. Smoothing my palms against the soft sweatshirt material covering the tops of my thighs, I stared at my now empty teacup. “I’m not exactly sure where to start,” I confessed after a moment.

“Why don’t you start from the beginning?”

_Thank you, Carlisle, for that very unhelpful suggestion,_ I grumbled inwardly. 

Taking a fortifying breath, I crossed one leg over the other and folded my hands in my lap. “Disclaimer,” I began, “My brain is functioning at about 10% capacity right now and I’m fluctuating between feeling dead inside and feeling like an emotional time-bomb; apologies in advance.” They had been warned. 

Esme gave me an encouraging smile, and I saw a few of the others nod in acknowledgment of what I’d just said. 

“No or never,” I muttered, curling my fingers into the material of my sweatpants. Then I spoke up. “On November 26th last year, I woke up in Bella Swan’s body,” the words finally came, and I was relieved. I sounded sure of myself, even if I was staring at my empty cup of tea and nibbled-on piece of toast because I wasn’t sure who to look at. “When I came to, I was on the ground on a little dead-end street tucked away from the main neighborhood. The environment was unfamiliar to me, but I wasn’t scared because I thought I couldn’t be anything but dreaming or in a coma. There wasn’t other explanation.” The last of my words came out a bit too softly, and I cursed myself for being incapable of being anything but transparent. 

“Why not?” wondered Emmett, sounding curious rather than skeptical. Neither Rosalie nor Alice reprimanded him for speaking this time. “Was there a mirror or something?”

“I'd like to know as well,” agreed Edward.

My leg began to bounce. I very much wanted to lie, but I had to choose carefully what I omitted from them and what chose to tell them. To chose to omit my ill health would be the height of selfishness when the trade-off would be to tell them that in my world, they were all fictional characters. 

_What would it be like to be told that I was a fictional character and that my life, my thoughts, my hopes and dreams, moments of strength, moments of weakness, and all my mistakes had been turned into media to be devoured by millions all over the world?_ I wondered. But I knew exactly what it would be like. It would be trauma-inducing. 

Wrapping my arms around my legs, I dug my nails into the flesh of my calves to keep from bouncing it anymore. “Because I…” I gritted my teeth together for a moment, hating myself for showing how difficult this was for me. _Hating_ how I had to tell them about this part. Then I forced myself to unclench my jaw and relax my hands. “Because I could walk.” 

I stared at my teacup. I didn’t want to look at them. I could feel their respective shock, sympathy, and suspicion in equal measure, but the last was what stood out to me most because it triggered horrible memories and emotions that I never wanted to recount again. Never mind that I likely would have had the same reaction to my story if I were being told it. But there was no logic in this fear. There was only the fear because fear could not be logical anymore than I could be healthy. 

“I, um,” I tried to pull my thoughts together, narrowing my eyes as I concentrated. My leg bounced again, jarring my body a bit. “The street—” _Shit._ “I couldn’t — ” _Fuck._

Shaking my head violently didn’t help to organize the thoughts any better, it just made my ears have a strange whooshing sound and my brain feel heavy. I hated that they were seeing me this way. I didn’t have the words. Communication was breaking down and embarrassment and shame were crowding in. This was _not_ how I wanted to be perceived! I bit my tongue hard against the panic that wanted to crowd in. I wished I could teleport away from here to somewhere far away and alone, just for a little while so I could pull myself together. The ebbed slightly my muscles relaxed. I hadn’t even been aware that I’d been tense. A lump formed in my throat and I desperately willed it to go down. I had to close my eyes tightly for a moment in order to fight off the tears that wanted to fall. 

“Damn, why is this so hard?” I demanded, not really asking anyone in particular. _I am functional, I am functional, I am functional!_ I shouted at myself inwardly, hoping that if I drilled it into my brain enough it would manifest so I could get through this conversation.

Rosalie placed her cold hand on my shoulder in silent support, and I tried to draw strength from it. Small, wiry arms surprised me when they wrapped around me, and I recognized them right away as belonging to Alice. I buried my face in her shoulder for a moment, drawing in a shaky breath and clutching the front of her shirt. She smelled like the lilac garden my mother adored to visit in early June. Like summer and magnolias and sun, of all things. It fit her perfectly. 

Taking in a deep, stuttering breath, I released it as evenly as I could.

“You were disabled,” Carlisle surmised. Edward's gaze snapped to his, eyes wide, and I wondered what Carlisle must be thinking for him to react that way. Was Carlisle referring to the cognitive issues I was having a hard time hiding, or from the confession that I couldn’t walk? I didn't know. I wished Edward couldn't read Carlisle's thoughts in that moment.

Leaning heavily on Alice, I nodded, turning my face into her shoulder because it took me out of everyone’s line of sight. For just a moment, I let my face scrunch up with the tears that wanted to fall before I forced myself to relax and pull myself together.

“Yeah,” I replied quietly, still pressing my forehead into my pixie friend’s collarbone. “It wasn’t terminal or anything, but it wasn’t something that can be cured either.” That had been a particularly hard blow to come to terms with as a teenager. Pulling back from Alice, I murmured, “Sorry, but I really don’t want to talk about it. Not today.” Maybe not ever. I could feel Edward’s eyes boring into me, but I couldn’t look at him while I was feeling this vulnerable. I wasn’t weak, dammit!

“They will respect your choice,” stated Rosalie firmly, a hint of warning in her tone. “In fact, if you don’t want to continue this conversation at all, that would b _perfectly understandable_. It’s not like you just went through something horrible traumatic or anything,” she said sarcastically. And damn, she just _had_ to tempt me like that. 

Esme looked contrite, and even Carlisle seemed uncomfortable.

“Rose,” began Alice as she moved to sit on the other arm of my chair, but she was cut off from whatever she was going to say. 

“No, Alice, it isn’t right! You’re asking her to relinquish deeply personal and obviously traumatizing information while she’s feeling beaten down and vulnerable!” ranted Rosalie, glaring over my head at Alice. 

“Rose, it’s fine!” I tried to cajole her, facing her with both hands out in front of me in an effort to calm her but she wasn’t having it. Her argument helped to pull me out of my state of panic a bit and gave me a minute to let me get myself together.

“It’s not fine,” she snapped. “Why today, Alice? _Why today?_ ”

Emmet tried to calm her. “Babe, calm down for a minute—”

“Because she isn’t safe until we figure this out!”

Not safe? Right now? “Hold on, why am I not safe?” I demanded, frowning at her.

“Rosalie, we wouldn’t be asking this of her if it wasn’t important,” said Edward in a soothing voice. 

I looked at him in alarm. _How important?_

If looks could kill, he would have been dead on the spot. “Don’t talk like you know what she needs; you don’t! You have no idea! You just _think_ you know, you arrogant son of a bitch!”

“Rosalie!” Esme said sharply, causing the blonde goddess to fall silent. 

“Enough,” barked Jasper, silencing the room when he stood and swiped the air with both hands. “Now’s not the time to argue over old wounds. Either deal with your issues with each other later or do it somewhere else.”

The air was tense for a moment before Edward visibly relaxed. “Jasper’s right,” he relented after a moment. “I apologize,” he murmured, looking at me from beneath the hair that had fallen down into his face, though he hadn’t technically said anything warranting an apology. 

Perhaps that’s why Rosalie only seemed to get angrier because when he apologized, it made _her_ appear as the one at fault. Their dynamic truly confused me. There was a lot of hurt and anger there. One crisis at a time. I inclined my head in acceptance of his words before I turned back to his dark-haired sister. 

“Why do you think I’m in danger?” I asked, finally able to get Alice’s attention. 

Alice turned her gold eyes to me, looking hesitant. “You know about my Gift, right?”

The hairs on the back of my neck stood up and I stilled completely. “What did you see, Alice?” my voice was quiet, my entire focus on her. Anxiety simmered in my belly and clouded my mind a bit.

“Nothing, and that’s the problem. If I can't see you, I can't know you're safe. And you're not safe if you know what we are.”

Her words took a moment to register. That was...better than what I'd originally thought she was going to say. I had thought she might say something horrid like the nomads were in town or something.

When I spoke, I chose my words carefully. “My future disappeared?” I asked for clarification.

_That’s not so bad,_ I thought, slowly, trying to look on the bright side for once because I honestly just couldn’t handle _one. more. thing_. _It’s probably just the werewolves. Not that the Cullen’s are aware of that little trick of theirs yet._ And I’d like to keep it that way... 

“No, not exactly” hedged Alice, shaking her head at me slowly, and her voice was soft and full of intent like she was telling me something that would cause me grief or shock. “There have only ever been three times I’ve seen you in my visions.”

“Alice,” I huffed, feeling a bit of exasperation. “What does that even mean? I’ve seen your Gift in action before. Remember, Tyler’s truck? And last night. I doubt you guys were just wandering around looking for possible rape victims.”

Edward flinched at my blunt choice of words. “No, we weren’t,” he agreed. “Those events were two of the three.”

“Let me straight this get,” I began, bringing both hands up to rub my temples while I spoke. “You’ve only seen me three times and two of those times have been when I’ve been in likely life-or-death circumstances? Why? I don’t show up in your day-to-day visions? How did you know I’d need your trenchcoat, then?” 

The trenchcoat had proved to be rather difficult for my assailants to maneuver around when they’d been trying to... My heart speeds up as the memories filtered through like snap-shots. I took a shuddering breath and squeezed my eyes shut for a moment. Got I wanted to be alone. Anywhere. Anywhere and alone.

“I didn’t,” she shook her head. “When I look into the futures of one of us—” she gestured around at her siblings meaningfully. “I can see visions where I know you are there, even hear conversations we have, but I can only ever hear or see _us_ in the visions. Obviously, you’re speaking to us in return, but it’s like we’re having a conversation with a ghost.”

I clutched my biceps. “Damn, that’s not ominous at all,” I tried to quip, but it didn’t make me any less uneasy. 

“I honestly thought you knew,” she returned, seeming a bit surprised. “So this isn’t normal?”

I had no idea if it was normal or not! “Nothing about this situation is normal,” I groaned, letting my forehead fall down onto my knees. I felt the uncomfortable stretch down my spine, so I picked my head back up and leaned it against the back of the couch. “What was the third vision? When will it happen?”

“The ‘third vision’ was actually the first. I saw Bella Swan decide to move to Forks. But now that I know there’s a difference between you and her, I’m not sure I can classify that as _‘you’_ , per se. Was it _‘you’_ who made that choice?”

“No, it was Bella. I arrived sometime after that, I think.”

Carlisle broke into our conversation then, and I realized I’d been more or less ignoring the rest of them unintentionally. It was just too difficult to keep up with all seven of them. “And you _‘arrived’_ on November 26th?” he confirmed, glancing between me and Alice.

“That’s right.”

“Does that coincide with your first vision, Alice?” asked Jasper, completely in strategist mode now. I wasn’t sure what he thought, but I doubted he would just blindly believe. Until he had solid proof that I was who I said I was, or rather _wasn’t_ , I doubted he would completely buy my story, no matter how honest it was.

His wife nodded. “I never saw her after November 26th until the van accident, while she was throwing Jessica.”

I winced. “You make me sound like the Hulk.” Which was comical, seeing as Bella was a tiny, malnourished teenager who looked like she could blow away in the wind at any moment. Though come to think of it, that was probably my fault. 

Emmett brightened, “You're into comic books?”

Oh boy, did he have a lot to look forward to...

“Later, Emmett,” Edward told him. “You didn’t come here intentionally, did you?”

“Nope. I thought I was in a coma or something,” I admitted. 

“Can you tell us a bit more about what happened after you woke up? It might help to give us some clues,” suggested Esme. 

“For as crazy as all this is,” I waved my hand around to indicate the everything about this situation. “My actual arrival wasn’t all that interesting. I just ‘woke up’ and couldn’t recognize my surroundings. I didn’t panic right away because I thought I was dreaming.”

Jasper appeared thoughtful. “What did you do once you realized it wasn’t a dream?”

I let out a small bark of laughter, hoping it didn’t sound as hysterical as I thought it did. “I didn’t come to terms with the idea that this probably wasn’t an extremely vivid dream until like, a week ago, so there’s that, but I _did_ realize I wasn’t waking up fairly quickly.” I tapped my fingers against the suede fabric next to my hip and stared up at the gold and glass light fixture above the coffee table. The rain was a steady pitter-patter against the window. “At first, I just sort of wandered around some neighborhoods; I had no idea that I was actually in someone else’s body, I thought that I was in some sort of idealized version of my own that my brain had come up with for me to use while I was dreaming. I started wandering around for a while, but this body eventually got hungry.”

Esme twisted her hands together, looking worried. “What did you do?”

“Ugh, something stupid,” I admitted, feeling a slight flush. This was worse than that time I’d accidentally almost stolen water from a minimart in an airport because my surroundings caused too much auditory and visual stimulation, resulting in a stressful lapse in cognitive abilities. Thankfully, I had only gotten as far as the map outside the store before I’d noticed… I was getting distracted. My exhaustion was catching up to me so I needed to finish this conversation quickly. “I thought it was a dream, so I kind of just wandered into a minimarket and asked if I could have something to eat. The cashier said I had to pay, but I didn’t have any money. I was pretty out of it so I thought that money might sort of _appear_ if I stuck around, so I wandered the aisles. Well, I must have accidentally freaked the cashier out, because she called the cops.”

“Did you run?”

I turned to glance at Rosalie with a shake of my head. “I had no idea she called them until they showed up. They roughed me up a bit when they searched me for stolen goods, but all they found was a wallet I hadn’t known I had on me. It had Bella’s student ID on it, so they took me back to the station and contacted her emergency contact.” I’d only just barely managed to pull myself together by the time Renee Dwyer Neé Swan arrived to pick me up. “Bella didn’t get in trouble since she tested negative for drugs and alcohol at the station, but because of my obvious confusion, lack of awareness, and anxiety, they suggested Renee take me to the hospital for a possible head injury. Thankfully, I was able to assure her that I was fine, so I got out of it before they could take me into that god-awful place.” I gleaned at Carlisle. “No offense.”

“Hospitals aren’t popular with most people, it’s completely understandable,” the doctor replied with his professional smile. 

Edward put a hand to his chin thoughtfully, looking concerned. “Was this the head injury Charlie mentioned while you were using my phone last week at school?”

“Unfortunately,” I grumbled. “I’m not a great actor and I can’t lie for shit, so Renee caught on pretty fast. Pile on top of that diminishing grades, quote-unquote _‘bad behavior at school’_ ,” I quirked my eyebrow and pursed my lips so they knew what kind of bullshit I thought that was, “and a complete personality switch, and she was bound to be worried. If she wasn’t, then I would probably be concerned about _her_ mental capabilities.”

“What kind of trouble?” Jasper’s lip twitched. 

“I’ve never had to abide by a dress code before so I didn’t know I had to,” I replied flatly, throwing my arms up. “The teacher was a vile, sexist pig with big pedo energy so it’s on sight if I see him again. My only regret in moving here was that I couldn’t either get him fired or castrated before I transferred.” It was _Phoenix_ for god’s sake, basically the right armpit of America. I hadn’t realized cuffing my shorts was a crime. Sheer nonsense.

“I would have paid to watch you ruin that man’s career,” enthused Emmet, with a grin. 

The thought of doing just that was so appealing, so I shared a slightly sinister smile with him that was all teeth. “I’m pretty sure I was singled out.” I'd been homeschooled, and highschool had been largely self-paced and taught. I was raised to be a free-thinker even if my parents didn't particularly appreciate the conclusions I'd drawn in adulthood. ‘Question everything’ had been something drilled into me during my schooling. Apparently, the American education system didn't appreciate that very much.

“Speaking of your departure from Pheonix,” Carlisle’s voice broke into my thoughts, so I turned to look at him where he was leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees. “Why _did_ you come here?”

“Because this was the choice that Bella made. You and your family are her future.” Far be it from me to destroy one of the twenty-first century’s most notable and infamous love stories. Also, I wanted to go home. So many things were not a vibe in 2005, particularly the government-sanctioned homophobia, transphobia, and the unaddressed pandemic that was racism.

“That’s what I saw in my vision of her,” Alice confirmed, glancing down at me while she crossed one leg over the other. “I saw a vision of her early last fall. She was one of us. Then she disappeared. I thought she’d died or made a decision that wouldn’t lead her into our lives, but now I know why that happened.”

Rosalie’s scowling gaze jumped to Alice and she hissed in warning.

“Is no one else wondering why Bella was sleeping on the street in a strange neighborhood?” asked Emmett, scrunching his face in confusion.

I blinked at him for a minute while I caught up with where his brain was at. “Not really. Bella has a natural tripping for talent over absolutely nothing. I honestly haven’t put much time into wondering about that because based on the headache I had when I woke up, she probably fell and hit her head on the asphalt,” I told him with a wry grin. “It took Charlie exactly no time at all to notice how weird it was that his daughter was less awkward and prone to injury. I’m botching this up pretty horrendously.”

“Does he suspect something?”

Looking up at Jasper and shook my head at him. “He thinks Bella hit her head and needs to be checked out for damage. But I can’t underestimate him. He’s an astute man with good instincts, so I have to try not to slip up in front of him.” It was as much a warning to them as it was to me. “You’d have to ask Edward to listen for anything, but he won’t be able to hear much from him,” I let the mind-reader know. He frowned in contemplation.

Jasper nodded. “So, what do you want from us?”

I returned the gazes that were bestowed upon me from every corner of the room. “I want to go back, and I was hoping that one of you would have some inkling on how I might do that. A source of information, an inkling of what might have happened, a Gift—really, I’ll take just about anything.” Even though I hadn’t been able to give them all the information surrounding the circumstances. “It’s my hope that Bella will return to her body once I am no longer in it.”

I saw looks exchanged. Sadness, suspicion, curiosity, frustration… I tried not to let them get to me. This world wasn’t meant for me. It was meant for Bella, and so was this place I was currently occupying within the Cullen’s home. I needed to remember that nothing here was mine. I was a visitor. A passerby. An observer even. But nothing more than a temporary stand-in. 

“I’m afraid I’ve never come across or heard of anyone in your situation,” confessed Carlisle.

I looked around hopefully at the others. No luck. Damn. Back to the drawing board. Maybe the wolves would know something. Whether or not they did didn’t matter because I wasn’t ready to go sticking my nose into their business just yet. The Cullens had been correct about them in the book. The werewolves _were_ volatile, and I was _very_ aware of dogs’ general dislike of me and it was returned two-fold.

“What do you think happened to poor Isabella?” murmured Esme, looking a bit distraught. 

“Could she be in your body now?” Rosalie wondered. 

“Don’t even put that out into the universe,” I said firmly. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. “I want her to be okay.”

The rain increased in intensity and it was loud against the glass as the Cullen’s contemplated this. 

“I think I will have to do some research,” Carlisle eventually said.

Brightening, I looked at him hopefully. “I would really appreciate that,” I breathed, collapsing against the couch. “Really, I never meant to come here and I didn’t mean to intrude on the timeline,” I closed my eyes. “I’m trying to keep everything on track, but it sucks to know what’s going to happen and then just have to let it.”

Alice slid off the arm of the chair and down into the seat, squishing me. “I know exactly what you mean,” she sighed, leaning her head against my shoulder. “Only I can’t see what you.”

“I’m just glad you’ve seen me when you did,” I sighed in relief, closing my eyes and enjoying the sound of the rain as it increased in intensity. It was so much louder now. “Come to think of it, you’ve seen me each time the timeline needed you to. Maybe that’s why.”

“Maybe,” replied Jasper from across the room. I opened my eyes to look at him curiously. He was holding his shoulder.

“You never told us your name,” Edward observed, pointedly.

Turning my attention to him, I stared for a moment. Our eyes locked and the air seemed to still around us, heavy with anticipation. My gaze never wavered, and when I spoke, I found that my voice didn't either. “Hallan. My name is Hallan.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp. I think that's about all Hallan can handle for one sitting atm. More questions will be asked and answered in upcoming chapters!
> 
> I know a lot of you were looking forward to hearing the Cullens use her name in this chapter, but since this draft turned out to be the most natural version of this conversation I could write, that ended up being cut. However, they will begin familiarizing themselves with her true name. Sorry about that!
> 
> I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! I'm so relieved to have it finished. I'm so done. *cries* I need a break. 
> 
> Wish me luck! I'm going in for a second-opinion consultation tomorrow at the neurosurgeon's.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! If you like this story, please bookmark and leave kudos. If you want to see more, subscribe! And of course, comments are always a joy to receive. 
> 
> Cheers!


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